I sometimes think women have the tendency to judge the shit out of other women for no reason. So there are things I think that I can never phrase correctly to other ladies without them taking it the wrong way.
I've had something on my mind lately that I can't articulate without sounding ungrateful. So I've buried it, and I mull it over when I'm alone.
I'm very lucky to have been able to not work for most of this year. I'm very lucky that when Hartley is born, I don't have to return to work. I'm very lucky that my husband is very supportive of me staying home and taking care of our daughter.
He has worked extremely hard at climbing the ranks at his job for the past 6.5 years. And we have been very good about building a giant savings cushion.
I guess I just want it all because lately I question just staying at home. I am so completely torn. I want to be the one to spend the day with Hartley. I want to be the one who comforts her when she's crying. I want to be the one who puts her down for her naps, snuggles her, takes her for walks, changes her diapers, plays with her and reads to her. I know, being her mom, I am the one who can take care of her the best. Hell, I'm equipped with her feeding sources literally attached to my chest.
I want to organize play dates for her. I want to do mommy and me yoga with her in tow. I want her to be in our comfortable home with her furry big sister. The three of us are just a walk across the street to the tot lot. And it all sounds like the right thing for our family.
But I sometimes wonder if I'm giving up on myself. People don't always know this about me but I'm actually very smart and hard working. You might be thrown by my blonde hair and beauty shop banter, but I am a very capable woman. And I wonder if I choose to stay home and not work at all these first couple years, am I not challenging myself?
Then I wonder, does that even matter if I'm doing what's right for our family collectively? Does it matter if I don't work until I feel truly comfortable passing off my little girl to someone else?
I get it, this is a nice problem to have. Woe is me. My husband does so well I don't have to work. But I'm so smart and capable that I feel like I should.
But I won't lie, I worry about these decisions. It will have an impact on Brian, Hartley and I - not just me.
The truth is, if in 8 days we find out that Hartley might have special needs, well, the decision is made. I won't go back to work for a long time. I've cried a lot about this possibility but I have decided that if she has extra needs, I will dedicate my life to making sure they get met.
But I will continue to mull this over. Yesterday my boss and I talked about me coming back, and I was excited at the thought. Then I spent an hour online researching child care and immediately started second guessing the going back idea. There's nothing wrong with daycare centers but I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of that right now. We have no time limit on this decision, and we can make the decision well after Hartley arrives. But like I've said before, sometimes you just wish you had a crystal ball. But that's life, right?
Tomorrow is 31 weeks. That means 9 weeks until her due date, 6 weeks until she's full term. It feels like forever until I get to see her again. This is by far my most anticipated sonogram, and I'm very thankful that Brian will be there.
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