When I was 25 and learned I would likely have fertility issues, I never fully believed doctors. I never thought I would need fertility drugs, let alone treatment, and certainly not IVF. The first time I heard that even with 3 rounds of Clomid it was suspected I ovulated twice in 2 years, I didn't buy that. Then when I actually saw my ovaries not produce follicles at multiple monitoring sessions, I started to think maybe the doctors were on to something. I was at the peak of my fertile years, and my ovaries couldn't do something that almost every woman's seem to be able to do. I took the gold standard of fertility medications - 80% of women respond to it, 10% of those even have twins - and at the highest dose my doctor would prescribe, it barely did anything. I never ever got a "mature" follicle.
It was discovered my uterus was covered in polyps, which happens to almost 10% of women - almost all perimenopausal or menopausal women, not women my age. I was told that if I did ovulate, this could be a secondary cause of my infertility. They were surgically removed but will likely return again.
I was 27. I could have sex with my husband, and it didn't make a lick of a difference.
I am beyond blessed to be pregnant with an IVF baby.
When I first became pregnant, and after the doctor heard her sweet little heartbeat, I was told I graduated from the fertility clinic. Only to be called the next day and told my body still wasn't producing the appropriate amount of hormones on it's own. No more graduation day for me. It took a few additional weeks for my body to begin producing the appropriate amounts of estrogen and progesterone. Thank god for syringes, suppositories and pills, right? Because what my body couldn't make could be engineered in a lab.
Then severe morning sickness followed. Almost every meal was thrown up. A pound might be gained but it would just as quickly be lost. And I was told I was one of the rare women to have a loss of appetite during pregnancy and difficulty gaining weight.
I couldn't feel my baby kick for the longest time. I not only had an anterior placenta but also placenta previa (which just recently corrected itself so I can feel her more).
I was told I had an iron deficiency so I was given special prenatals with extra iron. And Brian and I were fine with spending $60 a month on these special ones while my friends spent not even 10 bucks a month on theirs. Then, I learn there is still not enough iron for my anemic ass in these very expensive vitamins. Now we're buying super extreme pre natal vitamins. When I go fill the prescription I might just not even look when I sign the charge slip.
I'm all of a sudden lacking any energy. My formerly high blood pressure has dropped over 25 points to the point they actually consider it too low. I have trouble eating, so in turn trouble gaining weight.
I just don't feel well at all.
And then I let myself realize what I've fought for years, I am not biologically meant to be a mother. My body is not meant for this. A thought that once brought tears to my eyes, now comforts me. Women can say I'm a wuss or it's a low tolerance for pain. But I truly believe my body is not meant to be pregnant. I will never be the woman who just got knocked up, sailed through pregnancy and then just did it again. That used to break my heart. That thought used to feel like a sucker punch every time I let it enter my head. But I am not meant for this. At 27 years old, getting pregnant was tough. And then at 28, pregnancy hasn't been a cake walk. And I'm starting to realize, that while I'm proud of myself for pushing myself to do this, I don't think I will again.
I think I need to accept that this is not what my body was designed for. I think I need to embrace the beautiful, amazing gift I've been given. My miracle of a daughter. I will be the best mom I can be to her. And then I need to move on with my life and put the ideas of more children behind me. I can use my heart to nurture my husband, my sweet girl, and my dog - along with our friends and family. And I can accept something I denied for a long time.
I talked to Brian about these feelings last night. He actually said he completely understood where I was coming from. After all, he's watched all of this play out and watched it wear me down.
As I write this, the fan is blasting. I'm sweating profusely. I feel like I just ran a million miles even though I just slept a solid 5.5 hours - my best sleep in over a week. And I feel somehow calmed by putting this out there.
I am the girl who always wanted to be a mom, who didn't listen when I was told it would be tough for me to become one. I have become the woman, who after my baby is born never needs to prove anyone wrong again. I fought nature. But thank God there's only two months more of being reminded.
And please realize, I'm not writing this with tears in my eyes. I just speaking frankly like I usually do.
I am thrilled to be in the homestretch. I am excited to have my baby shower on Sunday. And I am over the moon to meet our sweet babe. And amazed always by how far we've come.
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