Friday, March 29, 2013

the most honest blog ever.

This blog will be the most honest one I've ever written.

In a lot of ways, I hope no one reads it because they won't like what I'm going to say.

I hate fertility treatment. I hate that over 90% of women will never have to go through it and that I do. I hate that I grow more bitter as I travel through this endless maze of absolute shit. I hate that so many people say, "it will happen." Or, "you'll be fine." I hate that I can't have my kid the normal way. I hate that I had to stop thinking I could have three kids. I hate feeling broken. I hate feeling like less of a woman than ever other woman around me.

I hate that I have a mechanism that makes me put on a smile when on the inside I feel like one giant frown. I hate that we as women love to make things look easier than they are.

I hate that (with the exception of a couple good friends) I've unsubscribed to people posting bump or baby photos on Facebook.

I hate when I feel resentful. I hate when I feel jealous. I hate when I think, "I wish people understood."

I hate that people think all fertility treatments result in babies. I hate when people tell me this will all be worth it. I hate when people say you'll just do IVF, like it were a jumping jack or a lunge.

I hate when I can't sleep at night because I can't stop wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I hate that I'm fighting nature.

I hate that I want kids.

I hate thinking I might be the best mother that never gets to be one.

I hate that I have to have surgery. I hate that it's because I have another abnormal lady part.

I hate when people ask if my having my surgery earlier would've made 1 of my 3 IUIs work. I hate that people can ask that and not realize it makes me feel awful.

I hate that most people will get to look at "baby-making" as the fun part. I hate when people tell me babies are tough, when the majority of the people can do it, unlike fertility treatment.

I hate that other infertile women say this experience will scar you. I hate it because I think it's true.

Most of all, I hate that I hate so many things.

I want to give up. I keep drawing imaginary lines of where we'll stop. I think after 2 cycles of IVF I could "give up" and be more than content with myself.

If you are reading this, you will innately judge me and think you'd be better than I am in my situation. Trust me, you wouldn't be. I'm saying things that infertile women feel but we will never tell you.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

SIS abnormal

This morning I had a Saline Injected Sonogram (SIS). This is a test done to examine the condition of the uterus, to look for scar tissue or polyps.

Last night in preparation I took antibiotics. I took 4 daily doses in one sitting. My stomach blew up like a balloon. I walked around the house dry heaving because all I wanted to do was throw up; I felt so incredibly nauseous.

I thought, "is this happening because I'm anxious?" Turns out taking 4 doses of an antibiotic in 1 sitting actually just makes people feel really sick.

This was the first test they were running where I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that it would come back abnormal.

I've had an endometrial biopsy in the past for endometrial hyperplasia. That was when I bargained with God. I told him if he didn't give me endometrial cancer that he didn't need to give me kids. When you're 25 years old and you're told you could have an invasive form of cancer, you pray like you've never prayed in your life.

After that experience, I knew my uterine lining was not "normal". When they told me a couple days ago they were checking it, I told Brian I was scared because I knew the test would show abnormal findings.

This morning I took my 3 ibuprofen and got to the office 30 minutes early. They took me back 15 minutes early and had me empty my bladder. They cranked me open with the speculum and used a catheter to inject saline solution. They kept saying I'd feel cramping or pressure but honestly, I think I have a relatively high pain tolerance so I felt nothing. When they started doing the sonogram portion I knew something was wrong. I looked at the doctor and nurse's faces, and they looked pensive. One thing I've learned is when a doctor looks pensive, that means something isn't normal.

They had me sit up so "we could talk". Fuck. That's not good. Anytime you need to talk about something, chances are they're not telling you everything looks great.

"Well, Page, you have polyps. See how your uterus looks like this *shows sonogram picture of a jagged blob*? It's supposed to look like this *doctor draws a nice smooth oval*. We're going to need to do surgery to get rid of those polyps..."

I kind of got nervous so I deflected my fear by pretending to be excited at getting painkillers. God, I'm so fucking awkward sometimes. I swear.

Here are the things I picked up on:

- they are not worried about my polyps being cancerous
- surgery to be done next week at fair oaks hospital, will call to schedule
- will be put under for surgery and have cramping afterwards
- will start injectables a couple weeks after my surgery delaying the IVF procedure a little
- this should not affect my acceptance into the money back guarantee program (though lately I am rethinking whether or not to do that route as I don't know if I can physically or mentally do 4 cycles...)

I'm in decent spirits. I'm not happy but I'm not devastated.

I have learned that I have not only do I have problematic ovaries but also a problematic uterus.

I'm currently debating only doing 2 IVF cycles and then being done.

I'm hoping the surgery goes well. I hope Brian gets to be there when they put me to sleep.

I hope that no matter the outcome of all of this that soon I get to feel a little more at peace.








Wednesday, March 27, 2013

IVF and religion

So I write this entry today for 2 reasons:

1. I have some fun antibiotics and a Saline Injected Sonogram tomorrow that I'm so nervous about that I can't even write a blog about it

2. All of the talk of gay marriage exploding in every facet of the media and social networks

I'm not going to get up on my soapbox and talk about gay marriage. This is not a political blog. I've stated it before, and you can easily draw this conclusion after reading this blog - I am pro gay marriage. Always have been, always will be.

I write this particular entry as someone who is a confirmed Catholic. My holy sacraments ended when I didn't get married in a Catholic church; I figured God could see me just fine outside in the most beautiful place I know. However, I always thought I'd go back to church someday, have a proper Catholic mass, and have my child baptized. I now struggle with whether or not to do that.

The reason I struggle with that is because the Catholic church's stance on IVF is that it is immoral and evil. The reason IVF is believed to be immoral is very similar to why gay marriage is considered immoral. It is thought that procreation should only result from conjugal acts between man and wife. After all, it is how we were designed - like puzzle pieces, a man and a woman. If you google this issue, you'll read quotes from all sorts of church officials stating as such. The most popular quotation that sums it up seems to be this:

"Children are gifts, not products that are the result of a manufacturing process." - Rev. Richard Benson

Our IVF paperwork suggested speaking with a religious clergyman of whatever our faith may be.

I thought for a few minutes, "is what I'm doing wrong? I know it's unnatural but is it really wrong?"

It's not. I'm not going to provide some fancy argument here but it's not wrong. It is not wrong to want to be a biological mother. It's not immoral or evil.

Brian and I bought a book of 1000 questions to ask before you get married. We read it before our wedding. We agreed on every single issue - though to be fair we only asked the several hundred questions we deemed important.

We thought we had all the answers. Turns out, there are questions not even covered in that book:

- Is the destruction of embryos abortion?
- What if that embryo wouldn't be a viable pregnancy or create a healthy child?
- Is medically necessary selective termination (generally multiple gestations) considered abortion?
- Is it wrong to donate our unused embryos to research?
- Is it wrong to biopsy an embryo?

Obviously, IVF to begin with could be considered immoral so these questions are a moot point if you are super religious.

From the way it sounds, Brian and I will likely lose a few embryos in the process. Some are unfit to use, some don't survive the thawing process, etc. We discussed how the doctor will pick the healthiest embryo. I'm hoping we don't need to go this route but if we continue to be unsuccessful, there is an option to biopsy the embryos to dictate the best one. People say that is wrong because it is taking a small piece of that embryo's make up away. I just don't want to do it because it's costly; to me, there's no moral issue there.

I signed that if the doctor recommends it medically necessary to selectively terminate, I will comply or assume all risk. We signed in the event of my death that we choose to donate our embryos to another infertile couple. If and when we decide we are no longer interested in keeping our embryos, we will donate them to an infertile couple.

There is an option to destroy your embryos or donate them for research. Some people consider it "weird" to have your  biological child be someone else's child. But there is nothing else I would rather see happen with my unused embryos than making someone else's dream become a reality.

I don't know where I stood on all of these issues a year ago, even 5 or 10 years ago. Being an intelligent woman I can see the points to each side of the argument. Many people can only see their side but you never know where you stand until you've walked in someone else's shoes.

16 year old me wrote a persuasive essay for an advanced English class saying abortion was wrong. 27 year old me can't agree with that paper any more. I know too much about life to agree with younger me. When you're 16 your parents have taught you right from wrong, life is very black and white. When you grow up you realize so much of life is grey, and the only thing you can do is try to do your best.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

cycle day 5

The best thing that has come out of undergoing infertility treatment is learning just how incredible my marriage is. When I say that, I don't mean to brag. And I'm not saying every minute has been easy; we've had moments of frustration with one another.

But I have to say, I've never seen a love like ours. 

When the last IUI didn't work, Brian said to me, "This makes no sense; we love each other so much."

The truth is, the fact that we love each other means jack shit in the world of infertility. In fact, there have been times where I've thought, "maybe we can't have kids because we already got too lucky when we found each other." (Ok, I think that almost daily.)

When Brian and I went away together this weekend I realized just how strong we are together.

We went to my Saturday morning blood draw together. About 6 hours later, we were on the beach, and it felt like a separate day. We didn't talk too much about IVF stuff this weekend. To be honest, I don't know if we talked about it at all. We talked about being tiny specs in a giant world. We tried to guess how far out in the ocean we could see. Of course, Brian googled the answer.

We did talk about how if none of this works we're going to live amazing lives together. We talked about how we'd spoil our future nieces and nephews and our friends' kids. About how we'd borrow them for the weekend, do all sorts of fun things, and then give them back to their parents. We talked about the places we'd travel to and my next car being a sports car as I'd have no need for a mini-van. 

Brian timed his jogs at the same time as my bubble baths so we could "maximize our time together." His exact words.

We sang together in the car. We played early morning Scrabble. We laughed at each other's off color humor over dirty bananas.

There is so much irony in the fact that a few days earlier we signed consent forms that spoke to the contrary. We signed that we acknowledge that infertility treatments could put stress on our marriage. We signed that while going through IVF we must notify the clinic if we get separated or divorced.

The truth is, if I saw my marriage moving in that direction, I wouldn't do infertility treatments. My relationship with my husband is the most important thing in the world to me because at the end of the day, it's the two of us. 

I wouldn't place any bets on whether or not we'll have a child.

I would bet every cent I have that our marriage won't be broken. 

I'm not just eggs, and he's not just sperm. I'm Page and he's Brian - and we're the stuff modern day fairy tales are made of. As we get ready to board yet another wild ride, I know there's no one else I'd rather have by my side. 














Friday, March 22, 2013

IVF cycle day 1

It's here, kids. The beginning of our IVF journey officially starts today.

I'm going to dedicate this entry to the wonderful people in my life who have been the best cheerleaders to Brian and I.

Let's move on to the amazingly, awesome, feel-good-about-yourself lovefest that's about to happen. I actually save every positive thing that is written to me. People probably never knew how much their words mattered to me but this shows you how powerful words can be. Here are the AMAZING things people have said to me over the years:

- "God hands challenges to the women who are strong enough to face them."

- "I'm absolutely amazed at your continued strength and know it will pay off. No one deserves it more than you and Brian."

- "You always have the best outlook. You're so strong."

- "I want you to know how much I admire you for all you're going (and have been) through. I think you're amazing.

- "You have an amazing attitude - keep that."

- "Know that you're thought of every day!"

- "You're Teflon tough."

- "You have always been a postive person and it's one of the things I admire about you."

- "Stay strong future mama Crane. However it happens, whenever it happens, I'll be ready to go shopping for tiny person footy jammies with you."

- "Way to not sink when a few rocks were thrown in your boat." 

- "Keep your chin up girl, I'm thinking about you! One day you'll make an amazing mother - I'm sure of it."

- "More positive energy your way!!"

- "I will say some prayers for you and Brian that soon you'll have the family you want!"

- A friend quoting A.A. Milne: "Promise me you'll remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think."

- And for the finale, and I think this is something that sounds best coming from your own mother:"It's not your fault."  

***The day my mother told me this wasn't my fault broke through to me. From that day forward I stopped blaming myself for everything that wasn't working. I finally allowed myself to be at peace that very day and moving forward. If any infertile women ever read this, please, please know - it is absolutely NOT your fault.***

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friends. Every positive thing said to us, prayer made said for us, pair of fingers crossed for us have allowed me to keep going. I always believed that babies were made from the love between two people. How lucky are Brian and I that we get to have a baby made from the love of many.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

IVF consult & first steps.

Long entry but this was covered over a couple hours of consults & about 50 pages of reading.

Our IVF consult went well. When we sat down with the doctor, she was able to clearly explain how the process works. However, the process is complex and differs a bit from person to person.

I'm doing stimulated IVF, meaning I'll be taking injectable medications to stimulate egg production. At 27 years old, my age works very strongly in our favor. At the practice we go to, less than 20% of the patients who undergo IVF are under the age of 30 but they have significantly higher success rates than their older counterparts. It is estimated that my success rate is between 50-60% per cycle. For anyone who's been through infertility treatments, you know that is extremely, extremely high. The average woman has about a 15-20% chance of conceiving naturally each cycle. During the IUIs, I basically had achieved "normal woman status" and was quoted a 60% chance of success after 4 IUI cycles. After the 3rd IUI cycle, I'm fairly sure the doctors would probably lower that percentage seeing as they realized my body was not properly responding to the medication.

Brian said to the doctor, "Since she doesn't do well at growing eggs why are we assuming she'll grow a lot of eggs now?" The doctor explained to Brian there is a huge difference in the strength of Clomid vs. injectables. They have no reason to believe my body will not do well on injectables.

We learned we will be doing a single embryo transfer. There are ethical guidelines which doctors follow to determine this. The guidelines are based off a patient's age. In the world of IVF, 27 is very young so only 1 egg will be transferred to avoid multiple gestations.

We will be doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET); the doctor choose this route for us. The hot topic in the IVF world is fresh vs. frozen. Different doctors have different beliefs. It's possible we'll do fresh in  the future but frozen is supposed to be easier on the body. They doctor is also giving my a Lupron trigger as opposed to an HCG trigger because it will allow my body to recover more quickly.

Here is a rough step by step of our plan:

1. Administrative/"getting ducks in a row" part.
- Read and sign consent forms (about 36 pages - took roughly 2 hours).
- Call insurance company to see if they will cover my injectables (price range $2.5K - $6.5K)
- Brian's chromosomal blood screening
- Fill birth control prescription
- Attend a "Cycle Review", an hour long class in which a nurse will teach me about my medications and how to use them
- Waiting to find out if I get approved for Money Back Guarantee program (23K) & of course, payment

2. 3 days after getting my period I begin taking a week of birth control. This is in an effort to "normalize" my hormones because of the imbalance I have.

3. After the birth control is finished, I begin injecting myself. I go to monitoring every other day or every few days, just like with IUI. Monitoring is the same: it includes a blood draw and transvaginal ultrasound. This "growing eggs" part takes roughly 2 weeks. I should expect to be in the office more than with the IUI.

4. Once the eggs are ready, no smaller than 17mm - hopefully 20-24 mm, I will be given a Lupron trigger injection.

5. Right before my body would ovulate them on my own (like with IUI), I will have a retrieval. This is done under anesthesia and most patients have zero recollection of it taking place. At the same time, Brian will be giving them his sperm. They will immediately mix his sperm with my egg.

-There are two methods that can be done: ISCI (where 1 sperm is injected into the egg, good for low motility) or conventional (his sperm will fight for the egg). We'd like to do conventional. It has a lower rate of congenital abnormalities because the strongest sperm has found the egg.

-The egg and sperm are grown for about 5 days, bringing it to "embryo" stage. Then it will be frozen.

- Remaining healthy embryos will be frozen for future use.

6. Following the procedure, I will be on bed rest for 24 hours. And after that, I will need to not over exert myself or do any heavy lifting. I will get a period about 2 weeks after retrieval.

7. Once I begin my period I begin a new round of injections. This will thicken my uterine lining to get it ready for implantation. I am routinely monitored during this stage, just as with the egg growing stage. It should take about 3 weeks to get the uterus ready.

8. Transfer. It is done much like the IUI and should be fairly easy.

We wait for 2 weeks and see if we've made a baby.

Clearly, that was probably boring to read but that is how it works in pretty easy to understand steps. Today I will continue to work on the "getting ducks in a row" portion.

My to-do list:

- get birth control
- call insurance company
- schedule cycle review
- exercise (this is my new job as this process is going to be very stressful and tough physically)

We read that some women find it helpful to talk to a mental health professional while undergoing treatment because of the depression and anxiety associated with IVF. Whelp, this blog is my mental health professional. It helps me greatly to talk about what I'm going through. At this point, I am overwhelmed and a little scared. But I am also very excited and optimistic. Please realize that this process is not all rainbows and butterflies and at times, my blog will reflect that.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

our road to IVF

When I found out I had PCOS in September 2010, the doctor told me not to think of it as "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome". He told me what I needed to take away from the diagnosis is that I had a hormone imbalance that rendered me anovulatory and that having a baby might be difficult for me. Also, I needed to closely monitor my periods because with them being far apart I ran a much higher risk of endometrial cancer. 

I'm not sure which piece of information upset me more. I cried for days, which turned into weeks. As time passed, I began to cry less and less. 

I think I eventually choose not to give myself the PCOS label, though technically I do have it. I was diagnosed by my old gyno. It was confirmed by an endocrinologist, then again by the fertility clinic. While I acknowledge this and know it to be true, I decided let myself visualize getting pregnant naturally. I knew that if there were ever a woman who would beat the odds, it would be me. 

That thinking got me through a year and a half of trying to conceive. 

When I finally went in to talk to a new gyno (our insurance had changed), she said a year and a half was a long time to try on our own, especially with my having PCOS. It was time to start Clomid. I had not a single doubt in my mind that taking the Clomid cocktail was going to be how I would conceive.

It seemed I only ovulated once of my 3 Clomid cycles. Clomid alone, and at the lowest dose, was not going to be enough for me. 

When we began meeting with the fertility specialist, I was convinced the Clomid IUI process would work for us.

As time went on I began to realize the Clomid IUIs were not going well. Brian noticed too. They had me on a high dose of Clomid but I had a lot of trouble growing follicles. We started to notice this last cycle that they were scratching their heads over us. My ovaries had them stumped.

Yesterday was the first time the doctor flat out told us that the Clomid was not working as it should have been. It was the first time she told me she thought we needed to do IVF.

I never ever thought in a million years that we'd be where we are. If this doesn't work, which I believe it will, we will have exhausted all options.

IVF is the granddaddy of fertility treatments; it doesn't get much more amazing than this. I am researching as much as I can. What I have already learned is absolutely incredible.

We will meet with the doctor tomorrow, and she seemed to think we could jump right in to the process after that.

I don't think many 27 year old woman need to go the IVF route. It turns out instead of beating the odds, I ended up defying them. 

But I truly do believe this is it. I believe in my heart that this will bring us the baby we've been hoping and praying for for a very long time. I am thankful ever day for the absolutely amazing opportunities we have been given. I am so thankful for modern medicine and this extraordinary technology. I am so grateful for every prayer that has been said for us and every pair of fingers crossed for us.

Baby Crane, you have no idea how many people love you already. You are one lucky kid. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

14 dpiui

It has been an extraordinary couple of days. My emotions have ridden the ultimate roller coaster. As have Brian's.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. 

12 dpiui - I test in the morning, and the test is negative. That day, I pleaded with God to let my luck turnaround. I told him I wasn't strong enough for IVF.

13 dpiui - St.Patrick's day, I test at 6 am and get another negative. I leave the test in my bathroom and a few hours later when I take another look at it -  there's a line. It's very, very faint but it's there.

I take another test a few hours later, an even fainter line but still something.

Brian and I think we've finally done it; we've made a baby crane. We decide not to tell my parents at family dinner because the line is so faint. I cried happy tears the entire drive to their house. Brian had done he same thing when he drove to the gym a couple hours prior. This is what it feels like, I thought. I can't believe I'm growing human life, a mixture of Brian and I. I'm going to be a mom.

14 dpiui - I test before going to the doctor, line is the same as yesterday. It's very, very faint. I bring the test to the doctor, and they won't draw any conclusions from this crazy light pink line. They draw blood. 

2:30 pm - The doctor calls. I brace myself. She starts with, "I'm sorry but I'm calling with bad news." I held back every ounce of emotion. I listened to exactly what she had to say. I didn't cry a single tear on the phone with her.

My beta level was a 2, likely indicating a slight bit of hcg left over from my trigger shot. The doctor said even if it weren't the shot, this would not be a viable pregnancy. She said that Clomid hasn't been getting us the results they'd like to see. They wouldn't want to go higher because the dosage is already so high. She said she recommends we begin IVF.

I am impressed with how composed I was on the phone. This was one of the hardest moments of my life. Yet, I pulled every bit of myself together to listen and ask questions. 

I finished with, "Thank you, doctor. This is not the news I was hoping for but I appreciate that we're on the same page, and we have a good plan. I feel very confident we'll have luck with IVF."

When I hung up the phone, I gave myself a huge pat on the back. I was so proud of myself. 

Yesterday when I thought I was pregnant, I realized that every single shitty moment of heartbreak or struggle was worth it. Now, I just need to add this one to the list and continue to try my best. 

Not many women know what this feels like. I guarantee to anyone reading this, you don't want to know what this feels like. But our character is defined by how we handle the unfortunate moments in our lives. I will cry. I'll give myself a few days to feel sorry for myself if I need them. I will mourn the end of another unsuccessful cycle. But I will not let this define me. I will keep trying and fighting harder than I ever have before. I will keep thinking positive thoughts. I will not give up hope. 

Friday, March 15, 2013

11 dpiui.

STATS:

point in cycle: 11 days past IUI

symptoms: absolutely none, feel 100% not pregnant

emotional state: calm, relaxed, eager to test

premonitions: unsure + or  -, gut says negative, boy

I have made it to 11 dpiui without a single pregnancy test in my house. I had the urge to pee on one all day but not having any saved me. 

I don't "feel pregnant". Women describe feeling lousy, being tired or "just knowing" during very early pregnancy. None of that applies to me. I have even returned to my normal sleep habits of waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I'm a true insomniac like my dad. 

I have been cleaning my house like a crazy person to manage any stress or anxiety. Thank God for yoga on Monday if this cycle ends up being negative because it's the best for managing stress. I'm not doing much yoga at home right now other than laying around in goddess pose; I'm terribly afraid of doing anything that could affect implantation. 

Every freaking cycle I say to Brian, "I feel pregnant". Today I told him, I just don't feel it. I have no cause to think I'm not pregnant either - but I just don't feel it. Maybe we've been let down so many times that I'm finally catching on to the not pregnant pattern.  Maybe since I've been under the affect of synthetic hormones for close to 11 months and my body feels weird regularly, I wouldn't even notice pregnancy symptoms.

I'm proud of myself this cycle. I've been very strong, so I just gotta keep it together now that the end is in sight. I had one bad day, which ended up being a horrible funk on 9 dpiui after posting my blog. I had decided if this cycle was negative I was giving up and going back to work. Brian talked me off the ledge.

It's the Ides of March, which would be an awful day to take a pregnancy test. Trying to hang in to get some good old Irish luck!


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

9 dpiui

I've decided to start recording stats. I wish I had done this all along. And I'll change to a pregnancy stats format once baby crane is baking.

STATS:

point in cycle: 9 days past IUI

symptoms: slightly tired but that could be from not getting much sleep last night or the progesterone

emotional state: calm, optimistic, relaxed

premonitions: positive test, boy

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

8 dpiui.

Back when I was a crazy person I would probably be peeing on a stick today or tomorrow.

How's this for willpower - I haven't even bought pregnancy tests. Nope, not keeping those bad boys in the house.

I feel no different than normal. Every now and then I think I feel a twinge but I seem to always feel twinges around this time.

The calmness continues.

This is by far the easiest 2 week wait.

 I actually can't imagine what it would be like to get a positive pregnancy test. I hope I find out in 6 days.


Monday, March 11, 2013

7 dpiui

On Saturday, my friend Erin and I went to get pedicures. She's taught me about temperature charting, introduced me to the book Taking Charge Of Your Fertility and the gummy prenatal vitamins I take, and showed my how to use fertilityfriend.com. She's awesome to talk to about my trying to conceive trials and tribulations. She was surprised when I told her it was 5 dpiui. She, like me, felt like time was flying.

It really is. Today is 7 dpiui. I had the IUI a week ago!

I'm not testing any time soon.

As the test date approaches, I have no "gut feeling" any longer. I think this is my way of preparing myself for either outcome.

I feel very zen, calm and happy.

I sleep like it's my job. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap. And usually, I NEVER nap.

Brian says how nice it is that I finally can follow my body's lead and just nap when I need to. It is really nice; I'm not fighting any of my body's urges.

Also, it was so gorgeous this weekend that I got to do a fun trail walk with my friend, Sabrina. Brian and I took a trail walk with Winnie yesterday. The fresh air and sunshine were so nice.

My stress level is a 0.

My patience level is a 10.

I hope this calmness lasts. I hope this nice weather sticks around. I hope a week from today I'll get a call from my doctor letting me know baby crane is finally baking.


Friday, March 8, 2013

4 dpiui

Brian and I hung out in the nursery a couple days ago. We decided where the crib, changing table and glider would go. I looked out the window and loved the baby's view of the world.

I remember last spring thinking we'd be taking our baby home from the hospital to a leaky, 1 bedroom condo. No space. No view.

This is so much better.

It felt amazing to buy this place. We were picking out a house not only for ourselves but for our future family.

Everyday I walk into the baby's room and try to imagine what it will look like when it's a real nursery. That room gives me hope.

I had a client once tell me if you make room for something in your life, it will happen.

We made room. Lots of it. You can come whenever you're ready, baby. But just know we're always ready for you.



Thursday, March 7, 2013

3 dpiui

By the way, DPIUI = days past IUI. I hate that I know all the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo but of course, I do.

This morning I started my twice daily progesterone suppositories. My first one was glorious.

I took it at 7 am as to not forget, and it put me back to sleep. It was a nice deep sleep that made me feel super warm and toasty.

I kind of like progesterone. It's better than any sleeping pills you'll ever try.

I used to hate them because I'd feel sleepy or off balance during the day. Now I've learned to embrace them as warm, fuzzy, relaxing, sleepy pills. The one I take at night is awesome. If I get pregnant, I continue to take these for the first trimester. I'll be a sleepy beast.

Here's how the different hormones make me feel:

Provera - used to induce a period or bleed. I felt so side effects, and it was extremely effective for me in the past. At this point in time I don't need it.

Clomid - used to induce ovulation. This is probably my least favorite. I've gotten a rash, anxiety attacks, hot flashes, night sweats, moodiness, headaches, and dizziness from Clomid. While taking it and for a few days after, I sweat through my sheets at night. It's starting dose is 50 mg, and I got less side effects at that dose. Now, at 150 mg, I'm at one of the highest doses they prescribe; my doctor rarely prescribes 150 mg and only goes up to 200 mg.

HCG/trigger shot- used to rapidly mature the egg and cause the egg to rupture through the ovary (ovulation). Ovulation occurs roughly 36-40 hours post trigger shot. It causes pregnancy symptoms. It will yield a positive pregnancy test. It does make many women sick. I do pretty well with it. I seem to get a little "pregnant-feeling". Mainly I get emotional, bloated and want to eat olives and cheddar cheese... together.

Prometrium/Progesterone - miracle pill. Basically, in short, it helps maintain a pregnancy. For the Provera/Clomid cocktail or a Clomid IUI cycle, it's used 3 days past ovulation to get the womb ready. It makes you sleepy and warm.

This is my favorite part of the cycle. Most women hate the 2 week wait but it's a nice time to relax and have hope that you'll be getting a positive pregnancy test soon.

At 3 dpiui, I have no symptoms. I feel very relaxed and happy. Here's to maintaining that until I POAS (pee on a stick)!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

1 dpiui

Yesterday was quite the day. It was extremely draining.

It started out very zen. I tried to make it like Christmas morning in our house; I made pancakes and turkey bacon for breakfast. Then I took a nice long shower, making sure to shave my legs so I wouldn't look like Chewbacca in the stirrups. 

We got in the car at 11:20 am for our noon appointment in Arlington. I picked 11:20 the night before when Brian asked when I thought we should leave. 

Well, we get in the car, and we're driving along with no traffic in sight. Brian starts freaking out about being late. He always gets anxious over "his part" of the IUI. It seemed to then set the tone for the rest of the day.

He was already stressed, and when we got to the doctor at 11:49 it took a few minutes to find parking. 

We waited about 10 minutes in the waiting room for him to be called back. While I waited for him, minutes seemed like hours. The magazine selection was beyond terrible. I had nothing to browse or read on my phone. I mainly sat there waiting and hoping for time to pass.

When he came out, we headed to lunch. And it was delicious. Brian calmed down, and I got nervous for my part. Yes, I'd done 1 mock IUI and 2 actual IUIs prior to yesterday's IUI but you always get a little nervous. It doesn't exactly hurt but it's uncomfortable. Keep in mind, I say that as someone who is probed regularly. 

The IUI was late because they were still treating Brian's sperm. So I laid on the table, with a very full bladder, and I told Brian that I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere else rather than laying on a table, feet in stirrups, exposed and vulnerable. 

After the 2 nurses performed the IUI, one said "hopefully we made a baby today." And they both wished me luck before they left the room. I suddenly remembered, that's why we're doing this.

I laid on the bed for the extra 15 minutes as instructed, and Brian pulled up Harlem Shake videos for me to watch while I laid there. 

When we left, my toughness started to crumble. For the first time, I physically felt things after the IUI. I felt soreness and pressure in my lower abdomen and lower back. My stomach bloated up. I think it might have been the first time I felt ovulation. I was optimistic yet had the overwhelming urge to cry.

I was drained: mentally, emotionally and physically. It was hard to lean on Brian because he was drained, too. So I put myself in bed and watched tv until we left for my mom's birthday dinner. 

I had promised to bring dessert but hadn't gotten a chance to make anything - the late notice of the IUI foiled my Monday grocery shopping and baking plans. So we went to Wegman's to pick up dessert. Walking though the store was tough. I felt so much heaviness that it was just uncomfortable. Once we bought an amazing peanut butter pie, we got back in the car, and I saw a poster about gay marriage on Facebook. I started to tear up. Gay people should be able to get married, too. All these crazy hormones were making me actually cry about it though. You take an HCG shot and see how you feel!

We got to my parents' house, and at this point I wanted to curl up in a ball. I didn't feel like being around anyone. But it was such a fun group and such a great dinner that it pulled me out of the funk I thought was indestructible. 

By the time we got home close to 11, I was exhausted. I made sure to make a wish at 11:11, and then I zonked out. I woke up tired this morning. 

I'm convinced this is the story of how I conceived my child. I think this was it. I think roughly 9 months from now I'll give birth to a baby boy. Brian and I love to assign percent chances. He said 94.5%. I said 100%. 

I have the nursery and nursery closet emptied out and ready to go. I found the chalkboard I'll use to record my bump pictures. Both of our families are so ready for this new addition.

Now we wait. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Day of the IUI

Today is the day for IUI #3! I am excited and skeptical at the same time.

Here's how our cycle progressed:

Cycle Days 5-9: 150 mg Clomid
Cycle Day 12: 1st monitoring showed no follicles that had matured
Cycle Day 14: 2 follicles appear about 12mm each in size
Cycle Day 16: follicles do not appear to have grown (in this past this indicated a cyst)
Cycle Day 19: follicles disappeared, empty ovaries
Cycle Day 21: something appears but there's a lot of confusion of what is showing on the ultrasound
Cycle Day 22: it looks like it's an egg or possibly two that are converged. it measures between 16-16.5mm, doctor tells us she'll try to give us tomorrow off going to monitoring because the follicle has a bit of growing to do

Cycle Day 22: Later that day, 3:30 pm call instructing us to trigger as soon as possible

I trigger at roughly 4:30 pm

We are scheduled for a cycle day 23 IUI: Brian's part at noon and my IUI at 2 pm.

This cycle would actually be a miracle but hey, I believe in those.

I feel sore in the spot of my trigger shot and freakishly tired. I've heard of women feeling horrible after the HCG shot (dizzy, nauseous, moody, etc.) but I'm very lucky because I've felt good each time.  The only real side effects for the HCG shot and progesterone suppositories seems to be tiredness like I've never known. Sometimes the progesterone suppositories make my brain extremely foggy, which is common. I would drive to work and when I'd think back about my drive, it would be a complete blur. Things like that.

The thing I want most out of this cycle is a healthy, happy baby. But secondly, I vote for a girl. Not saying I wouldn't be thrilled to have a boy but I have so many cute girl nursery ideas. Plus, my girl name is pretty awesome, and I've prayed for years to use it! Though I love my boy name, and it's extremely appropriate for the day I plan on testing ;)

My favorite things things about the day of the IUI are newfound hope, spending some extra time with my husband, and going out to eat. Our IUI is in Arlington so we're going to Union Jack's in between appointments. I got to pick since it's my day!

Wish us the luck of the Irish as we wrap up our St.Patty's day cycle!