the most honest blog ever.

This blog will be the most honest one I've ever written.

In a lot of ways, I hope no one reads it because they won't like what I'm going to say.

I hate fertility treatment. I hate that over 90% of women will never have to go through it and that I do. I hate that I grow more bitter as I travel through this endless maze of absolute shit. I hate that so many people say, "it will happen." Or, "you'll be fine." I hate that I can't have my kid the normal way. I hate that I had to stop thinking I could have three kids. I hate feeling broken. I hate feeling like less of a woman than ever other woman around me.

I hate that I have a mechanism that makes me put on a smile when on the inside I feel like one giant frown. I hate that we as women love to make things look easier than they are.

I hate that (with the exception of a couple good friends) I've unsubscribed to people posting bump or baby photos on Facebook.

I hate when I feel resentful. I hate when I feel jealous. I hate when I think, "I wish people understood."

I hate that people think all fertility treatments result in babies. I hate when people tell me this will all be worth it. I hate when people say you'll just do IVF, like it were a jumping jack or a lunge.

I hate when I can't sleep at night because I can't stop wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I hate that I'm fighting nature.

I hate that I want kids.

I hate thinking I might be the best mother that never gets to be one.

I hate that I have to have surgery. I hate that it's because I have another abnormal lady part.

I hate when people ask if my having my surgery earlier would've made 1 of my 3 IUIs work. I hate that people can ask that and not realize it makes me feel awful.

I hate that most people will get to look at "baby-making" as the fun part. I hate when people tell me babies are tough, when the majority of the people can do it, unlike fertility treatment.

I hate that other infertile women say this experience will scar you. I hate it because I think it's true.

Most of all, I hate that I hate so many things.

I want to give up. I keep drawing imaginary lines of where we'll stop. I think after 2 cycles of IVF I could "give up" and be more than content with myself.

If you are reading this, you will innately judge me and think you'd be better than I am in my situation. Trust me, you wouldn't be. I'm saying things that infertile women feel but we will never tell you.