Thankful

Last night we were sitting in bed and Brian mentioned to me that it's been a long time since I'vewritten a blog. It's crazy how much we think alike because I was actually struck with inspiration yesterday afternoon when I was outside with the babies.

For weeks I'd wanted to do a "life lately" post. The truth is October was hectic. Between going to New Orleans for a weekend for my brother's wedding and then Brian traveling and doing recruiting events for work, it's been a little different from our previous months of adjusting to life as a family of four. I could write about what it's like to juggle a 2 month old and a 20 month old all by myself but honestly, summarizing it in one word is simple enough: tough. 

I'd love to sit down and write about all the amazing places the babies (but more so Hartley, as she goes places with Nana and Poppy) have been but I'd easily be writing all day long. In the spirit of quickness a list should suffice: Stribling Orchard, Pumpkin Village, Great Country Farms, Meadowlark Bontanical Gardens, Cox Farms, Frying Pan Farm Park, Chuckie Cheese, visiting the great grandparents in Maryand, and every playground Reston has to offer. Yes, October has been busy but wonderfully fun.

Anyhow, back to Brian and I talking last night, he told me he was proud of me. He told me lately I've had a positive attitude and a great handle on things. Honestly, I have my bad days just like everyone else but he's kind of right about being more positive. I think it's Hartley's age and the glorious weather and all the help I've received from my parents, it's working for me. And yesterday afternoon, the sun was cast in such a beautiful way on everything, Hartley crunched around in the fall leaves while a Patrick snoozed in his stroller - and I wanted to freeze time and stay in that moment. I felt exactly how we're told to feel in November; I felt incredibly thankful. 

A few months ago, I was terrified at the thought of having two small children to care for - every moment of every day. And maybe there was something stronger than just the smell of leaves in the air yesterday but I realized, I am so incredibly lucky. I have two beautiful, healthy children, and to say I'm thankful is probably the biggest understatement of all time. Every day I get to hold the most important beings in my life. I get to watch them grow and learn. And yesterday, I got to watch Hartley give her baby brother a kiss before he was whisked away by Brian for bath time. It's cheesy and cliche but the three of them melt my heart, and the fact that we're all here and healthy is the greatest gift. 

While I absolutely love my boys, Hartley is the one who teaches me the most about thankfulness. It may just be her age but everything through her eyes is amazing and fascinating. Yesterday I was so thankful to get to watch her. We were walking to the playground and she found all sorts of treasures: sticks, leaves, rocks and acorns (which she calls corns). Everything was so beautiful; it all had to be explored and studied. When we finally got to the playground, there was a dog, which meant I had to ask if Hartley could play with the dog. I always hold her back until I get I get the green light. I let her loose and she immediately went in for kisses and she pet him. Then once they established they were friends, she hugged the dog. The owner smiled from ear to ear because there really isn't a cuter sight than a 1 year old snuggling a dog. Hartley laughed hysterically at the dog wagging its tail. She popped her face in front of his, laughing so hard, almost to tell him, "you know that thing behind you is really silly, right?" 

In that moment, my heart felt like it could burst. I'm so thankful for this girl who has the very best spirit. She always wants to run wildly and yet she needs to stop to soak in her surroundings. 

She found her way to the playground where she greeted these cute, older girls with a sweet "hi". She marveled at them, and I was so relieved when they gave her the time of day. They were so nice and very maternal with her. It's amazing how as a mother you just want the world to be kind to your babies even when they are very little and don't fully understand things yet. 

She crawled up the slide. She teased me as I tried to get her to come down but she was more interested in doing "fake outs". 

There is not a thing in the world that compares to watching your children smile and laugh. This is what I am most thankful for. I'm thankful that even on our worst days I know I can get smiles and laughs out of them. 

I'm thankful to hear Hartley's soft voice say "mommy". She says "mommy" more than any other person. I'm thankful to feel her arms around my neck when she hugs me as I carry her. I'm thankful for Patrick still nuzzling and sleeping on his mom. I'm thankful to feel his warmth on my neck when he falls asleep on my chest. I'm thankful for his adorable, healthy rolls and his sweet gummy smile.

I could write on but I'm being summoned by these sweeties for which I'm so thankful.

I will return before the month is out to reflect on what I'm thankful for outside of my babies. Until then, enjoy all this cuteness. Babies in fall. It doesn't get better. 

Adjusting

Recently I've been asked a lot how are we adjusting to being a family of four. I need to find a quick answer that I can easily dispense to any audience because right now I keep fumbling over what to say. I think it partially has to do with my mom brain. I can't remember anything you told me 5 minutes ago. When Brian asks me how my day was you'd think he was asking me for a plan to solve the national debt crisis. He gets a blank stare followed by a couple minutes of me figuring out how to say the word, "good". Something about keeping track of feeds and poops turns my brain to total mush. Then there's the fact that I don't really know how to answer the question. I think we're adjusting relatively well but I don't really know what to compare it to. 

I decided to blog about it to the best of my mombie ability. 

When Patrick came home from the hospital, Hartley didn't notice him. I'm totally not kidding. She didn't run to him, say "baby" and kiss him. She just basically walked all over the house like usual, and he was just kind of there. It was kind of funny. I would say it was a tad concerning but it wasn't really because it was so easy. Brian usually did "Hartley duty", aka carrying her, changing her, wrangling her and playing with her. I was recovering so I was on "Patrick duty" (hate to break it to new moms but newborns require no physical exertion compared to a toddler). This was actually pretty easy.

The weekend Patrick turned two weeks, we finally really started to be a four person unit. We went to the playground as a family of four (now our weekend ritual). Brian chased Hartley. I sat on my inflatable donut on the park bench with Patrick. It felt natural and easy, honestly. 

Brian returned back to work, and I braced myself for my new existence. 

The first week he went back, my mom came over every day for 3-4 hours a day to help me. I was still in recovery mode so when we went out places she did all things Hartley, and I did all things Patrick. 

This has evolved a little bit. Now my parents help about 2-3 hours a day (sometimes longer if there's a field trip involved), about 3-4 days a week. It is a tremendous help to me. Hartley absolutely loves it; when they come in the morning she completely lights up. My parents enjoy it, and she can now say "Nana" and "Poppy". If it weren't for this help, our lives would not be what they are. We would not be as well adjusted and happy - I'm sure of that. They are the best. 

Generally our schedule goes like this:

7-7:30 am: wake up time (Brian wakes earlier to shower). Brian gets Hartley, changes her diaper, puts her in her high chair with milk and breakfast. Depending on Patrick's schedule, I eat my breakfast before or after he gets his bottle but we both eat around now also. Brian takes Winnie out. 

Around 8: Brian leaves for work. Hartley watches Sesame Street while I finish and clean up breakfast. 

Between 8:30-10: a variety of things happen. I get them dressed. I read/play with Hartley if Patrick is content. I might turn on tv or music if I need to focus on Patrick (change, feed or soothe him). I've been making an effort to make sure Patrick does tummy time and uses the play mat. A few times we squeeze in a walk or grocery trip in the morning.

10ish: usually either my parents come over, they/we take them out or we schedule a play date.  If my parents take Hartley out, this is when I do laundry, shower, get random things done like birth announcements, thank you notes, take Winnie out, etc. Sometimes I just relax and hold Patrick; he usually eats while they're gone, too. 

Around 12:30pm: Hartley eats lunch. I eat lunch. She sometimes gets to watch tv while I clean up lunch. 

Around 1: Hartley naps. Patrick joins me in my room. He might sleep, we might snuggle, he might feed, but we relax and decompress. 

Around 3: we're ready to go again. So here it all depends on weather. If its rainy or too hot, I do afternoon baths for Hartley while Patrick is in his rock n play. We make it more of a playtime than just a quick bath time. We'll play upstairs in Hartley's room. If the weather is nice, we'll go outside. We'll do indoor playtime - more books, toys, tummy time, exercise mat. 

Lately I try to start on dinner before Brian gets home, this means Hartley gets either Pandora or tv and Patrick chills in the rock n play. Sometimes I'd rather play with them (like last night), and I make dinner when he gets home instead. 

Brian usually gets home around 6ish. We eat dinner. We clean up dinner. 

We hang out as a family, maybe do a family walk. If it was a rough day or Brian gets home later, I usually go upstairs to get a break to shower if I couldn't earlier.

At 7:30ish, Brian starts Hartley's bedtime. I take Patrick.

8 pm: Hartley is down for bed. Patrick is up with us. We take care of whatever we need to take care of around the house (taking out trash, recycling, washing bottles, moving or folding laundry, putting away toys, etc.)

We usually are relaxing around 8:30 pm. Sometimes Brian does work.

Patrick has been taking his last feed around 9:30 pm. 

Sometimes we get 30 minutes alone together but more often one of us will crash right after Patrick does.

Brian does Patrick's night feed. God bless him. 

We start all over again the next day :)

It is tiring. There can be a couple hours at a time where I'm bouncing back and forth between my two children and it feels like everyone needs something simultaneously (this includes Winnie who often wants something just as I'm sitting down to feed Patrick or I'm changing a poopy diaper). Sometimes I feel like I'm crappy at it but mainly I feel pretty good about knowing I'm doing everything I can.

I can't complain. My babies are pretty easy, adorable and so worth it. My husband and my parents are rock stars. They are so helpful and supportive. I've never had a single day where I felt alone or without support. 

I think I'm adjusting beautifully to being a mom of two but I'm sure there are moms out there who get it done with zero tv and zero hot dog lunches. I tip my cap to them but that's certainly not my personal goal. My goal is to see as many smiles and hear as many laughs as I can in a day without getting overly exhausted. I don't mind shortcuts as long as everyone is healthy and happy. I try to keep the house from getting too disasterous looking but it definitely happens and I roll with it, goldfish crumbs and all. 

Our routine isn't without hiccups. Yes, there is "jealously" as Hartley adjusts to sharing attention. This happens when it's me alone with the two of them, and Hartley wants mom to herself. We get through it, and I try really hard to make sure Hartley feels as loved as ever. It's a balance - she needs to feel secure and loved while learning how to share the spotlight. I think it's actually going to serve her really well in life. It does bother me when people gravitate to the new baby and forget about her so I try really hard to compensate when it happens. 

I feel like everyday all of the feels more normal. All of a sudden, life with one sounds like a breeze, which is pretty funny. 

That's the long answer to the question though! 

Updates on these cuties to follow... Someday! 

Patrick's birth story

I'll never forget the day I learned I was pregnant with Patrick. It was, without a doubt, the most surprised I have ever been. So I guess it would only be fitting that I was counting down to his induction day but he decided to surprise me with plans of his own.

Sunday, August 9th at 1:45 am, I woke up thinking I was wetting the bed. I turned to Brian and told him how embarrassed I was but I was wetting the bed, and I physically couldn't get to the bathroom. He told me not to be embarrassed; he said at 9 months pregnant these type of things probably happen all the time. Sounds ridiculous but it took us both a few minutes to piece together that maybe it was actually my water breaking. 

I called my OB's emergency line. Brian began dialing my parents.

My doctor told me it sounded like my water had broken and to head to the hospital. Brian got a hold of my mom, and she drove right over to spend the night at our house with Hartley.

We arrived to the hospital probably a little before 3am, and they wheeled me up to Labor and Delivery. 

They checked me out and confirmed that yes, my water had broken. I was 2 cm dialated and having irregular contractions. I was told I should try to lay back and get rest. Brian actually fell back asleep, and I laid there, too excited to sleep. After an exhausting pregnancy, I was finally going to meet my baby boy. 

Nurses changed shift at 7 am, and the new nurse told me that my doctor would be there soon to check me out. Around 8 am, I saw my doctor, and I was dialated 4cm. She advised me not to wait too long for my epidural because things can progress very quickly with the 2nd baby. I told her I wanted to hold off longer. 

My mom joined us in the delivery room a little bit later. She was crying when she came in; she said she was emotional about Patrick coming. We listened to a Garth Brooks song about meeting your mom for the first time, and we both bawled. 

Around 10:30 am my contractions were about 5 minutes apart, and I was feeling them. I still didn't really want the epidural but I didn't want to miss the window. The nurse got the anesthiologist and by 11 am, I wasn't feeling much of anything. 

Then my dad joined the delivery room party. I started feeling a little sick from the epidural, probably low blood sugar, so I got to enjoy my first cup of juice in 4 months. 

Around noon, I learned my grandmother had passed away in her sleep early that morning. I was already emotional and this news really hit in such a weird way. I felt guilty that my mom was with me. I felt sad to hear of my grandma's passing but I was also overjoyed to be having my baby. I didn't really know quite what to feel or more importantly - what to say to my mom. I was also thinking there was some sort of meaning to all of this. She was likely taking her last breaths as Patrick had decided it was time to enter this world. My mom said to me that now my grandma could be here with us when he entered the world. And even now when I tear up about her passing, I remind myself she's a guardian angel to Patrick, and she's been watching him from up in heaven since the moment he was born.

We all cried. It was crying on and off throughout the day really. 

We learned I was progressing slowly so Brian went home to take care of a few work emails and get a little nap. I knew I wanted to change Patrick's middle name to honor my grandma but I didn't want to have the conversation in front of my mom so I texted Brian while he was out. I told him I wanted to change Patrick's name to Patrick Frank. Brian loved the idea and thought it was a great way to honor Yaya. I love that Patrick will live with a piece of her always - even though he just missed meeting her.

My progress was very slow so they decided to start giving me pitocin. 

Brian came back. They bumped up the pit about every 30 minutes. 

We got this amazing nurse named Laura who began rotating me to get Patrick to descend more. This is pretty much Hartley's story - only with a functioning epidural. I felt lots of pressure but no real pain. 

After a while I started to come a little unglued. Again, a long labor, and I saw no end in sight anytime soon. I began to cry - and one minor outburst about 2nd labor being fast being a "fucking lie". 

But eventually I hit a point where I felt things happening. My dad sat next to me while I held the railing of the hospital bed and tried to breathe through things. My mom and Brian took turns getting me drinks and ice packs. 

Then I finally hit a point around 6:15 when I told everyone I was ready to push. I was finally 10 cm, and it was go time. 

I pushed for 45 minutes. I remember my mom crying, and saying, "oh my God, he's here!" That last push got him out so much faster than Hartley so I think we were all shocked at quick the very end was. 

They put him on my chest, and I just cried uncontrollably. 

After Hartley's labor, I was too exhausted to cry. This time, I couldn't stop crying. I actually remember someone in the delivery room asking my doctor why I was crying so much. 

They let me hold Patrick for a few minutes before they took him away. I remember telling him how much I loved him and how perfect he was. Delivering at 7 pm was also far easier than 2 am so I didn't want to stop holding him. 

But that was how our beautiful boy arrived. 

7 lbs, 12 ounces, 20.5 inches long, 17 hours of labor, and named after one of the most amazing women this world has ever known, my grandmother, Carryl Page Frank.

I honestly look back at Hartley's birthday and remember the level of fear and agonizing pain. While it was worth it, that day still scares me. I will never forget that pain. But this experience was so much different - less painful for sure but far more emotional. Experiencing death and birth in the same day was very strange.

A few days before she died, my mom showed her pictures of Hartley pushing a baby stroller, and my grandma told her that Hartley was going to be a great big sister. I hope my grandma is enjoying watching it from up above. 

I will add more pictures eventually, but here is the perfectly real (no make up or  labor hair do) moment I met my so for the first time: 

 

29 weeks pregnant, tired and blessed.

Today I scheduled Patrick's induction date. I went as late as they will possibly let me go with my gestational diabetes, which is 39 weeks, 5 days assuming I'm able to keep my levels under control. That means he will likely be arriving on Thursday, August 13th (unless he has other plans to surprise us earlier).

This whole pregnancy has flown by. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. There has been a lot of nervousness, excitement and anxiety. Though I mainly just describe myself as exhausted. I am always tired. Always. 

Life seems to continue on, business as usual despite the exhaustion. Dishes and laundry pile up, and then get done. Grocery lists grow and meals get made. High chair trays are washed and so are sippy cups, after they've been hurled across the room a dozen times a day. The dishwasher is run almost daily and unloaded in the same manner. Cheerios find there way everywhere. Walks and playground adventures and play dates happen but so does Sesame Street when I'm too tired for that. Cars get dropped off for oil changes or repairs. Vacation bags get packed and unpacked. Dog sitting gets arranged. Doctor's appointments get made and then doctor's bills pile up and get paid. Errands are run. To Do lists get somewhat completed. My response time to friend's invites or texts or emails lags. We just keep hitting repeat like all the other parents of young children. And we just keep feeling tired. And we will add to this list come August. 

 It's not easy being 7 months pregnant and caring for a 16 month old, a dog, a husband and a home. I fall behind. I beat myself up. And I'm never quite as on top of things as I wish I was. 

All of this said, I know we are blessed. I know we are fortunate to have such a healthy, active daughter. We're lucky to be in a neighborhood that allows Hartley to get to run around and play at the playground or with neighborhood buddies. I'm also thanking my lucky stars for my neighbor who is watching Winnie again because finding a dog sitter has been one of my least favorite things to do over the last 5.5 years. We're lucky to be able to pay for the car repairs and the doctor's bills. 

I cut this short as naptime has ended and my 45 minute hiatus from responsibility is over. 

So many things I wanted to say but as always, never enough time. 

 But there aren't many updates here anyway, we just keep pushing on while mixing in whatever fun we can. 

My partner in crime and the girl who makes all of this tired worth it: 

28 weeks.

How far along? 28 weeks. The 3rd trimester is here!
Weight gain? 10 pounds
Maternity clothes? Yep, and my non maternity yoga pants. 
Stretch marks? Weirdest thing ever, I got tons of stretch marks with Hartley (and early) but none this pregnancy (yet).
Best moment of the week? Getting to lay in bed after waking up yesterday morning. Hartley keeps waking up earlier, and I keep waking up more exhausted, so whenever Brian does weekend mornings with her, I'm basically in heaven. 
Miss anything? Oh yes, I miss a lot of non pregnant things. I miss having energy and being able to bend over with ease. I'd miss alcohol but I'm mainly too tired to even want to drink. Crazy, huh? Oh, and I miss sleep.
Movement? Yep. Though I feel he's slowed down since I've stopped eating as much sugar. 
Cravings? Well, that's the epitome of a sore spot! I miss pregnant eating. I crave my mom's chocolate chip cookies, which are my comfort craving for sure. 
Have you started to show? Yep! In the last week I've started having strangers feel confident enough to ask me pregnancy questions (ie: what am I having, when am I due). As bizarre as it sounds, I always kind of like this point because I actually think I look pretty cute rocking a baby bump, and I genuinely enjoy getting kind words and well wishes from strangers. 
Gender: boy. 
Belly button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? I've worn my band a few times recently and it fits fine. 
Happy or moody? Mainly moody this week but there were still happy moments. I feel like my hormones did a number on me this week, and I was freaking out about pretty much everything. Oh the tears that invaded our house! 
Looking forward to: honestly, I'm not rushing time to get anywhere right now. I'm happy to have Brian home for a long weekend this weekend and another long weekend next weekend. It nice to have him around and it helps me a lot not to do everything solo. I am looking forward to seeing Patrick at the sonogram this week to make sure he's baking ok. I haven't seen him since I was diagnosed with diabetes, and even if I don't say it, it's been something that stresses me out. (This is not a routine sonogram; they need to take another look at his kidneys.)

This pregnancy has been a very weird one. In a lot of ways I describe it as a "non event". I know how awful that sounds but we're so busy that there's not much time to stop and think about being pregnant or adding a member to our family. Every now and then Brian and I will say to each other, "has it hit you yet?" And the answer is always, "not really". 

When we had quiet time in Lansdowne, we finally stopped to talk about the baby. It was probably the first time we really talked about him (and I was 26 weeks along). The 2nd pregnancy thing is nothing like the first. Add in the extreme of going from a meticulously planned and anticipated IVF pregnancy to a surprise pregnancy? Our minds haven't fully gotten completely around this whole thing.

Today we're going to look at a model home, so that's exciting. Last night Brian told me we're outgrowing our house. I'm constantly telling people, "we have enough space". I might be in denial of my quickly growing family but after having seen a bunch of single family homes online lately, I'm pretty sold on moving next year if we can pull it off. I'm just day dreaming of the possibility of converting a first floor living room in to a playroom while still having a family room that's not constantly cluttered with baby/toddler stuff. And I constantly dream of having a yard; it doesn't need to be huge but a good, safe yard for the kids would be perfect. I so badly want them to get a play set in the backyard like I always had as a kid. 

That's life right now. I guess it's been a lot to get my pregnant head around but I know all of these big changes will end up being great changes! I'm also embracing tears and mixed emotions. I feel no need to fake being together. I'm scared and nervous and excited and happy. I'm entering the third trimester very proud of myself though. Even though I'm certainly not perfect, I'm so proud of keeping up with Hartley even when my pregnancy hasn't been smooth sailing. I'm ready to knock out these next 12 weeks and ready to take on the next challenge level! 

Oh, and totally unrelated, I have found boy clothes to be a little more challenging than girl clothes. But how could a sweet, teeny little mint whale outfit not get a person excited for baby time? My mom bought him the matching receiving blanket, and this may have to either be his first outfit ever or his "take home" outfit. Insert the smiley emoticon with the heart eyes: 

Life lately.

That's a picture of the Crane crew lately. Hartley after running around the National Zoo like she owned the joint, Patrick making his presence known, and 2 happy, tired parents. 

Life lately has truly been something else. I never knew a person could feel such a differing emotions throughout a week or even a single day. 

Everyday I feel challenged physically and drained emotionally. 

There is something that comes with hauling around a big pregnant belly and a flailing, tantrumming 25 pound toddler that makes me simultaneously think "I must be nuts" and "I must be superwoman in yoga pants". 

There are a couple tough things I'm muddling through currently: exhaustion and some not cool toddler antics. 

The exhaustion should probably be less surprising than it is to me. My goal everyday is to get out and play with my very active litte girl. I am a rock star at this most days. Since she has no idea how to stop or not walk into the street or follow me, it often involves a lot of bending over to pick up and carry an unwilling 25 pound weight. Often times by the time we're done playing, I usually feel a little lightheaded and a few hours later, very sore. Once the day is done and my body feels beyond ready to rest, my mind begins to race. My whole life I've been somewhat of an insomniac, and it's awful even when I'm not pregnant. But there is something pretty brutal about feeling physically sore and tired, unable to sleep at night, dealing with toddler tantrums and toddler wrangling, all while your belly bulges out as you grow human life. I now understand why doctors talk about 3 years of spacing in between children being the golden amount of time. And when Brian jokes about me being pregnant again in 2016, I let him know that joke is far from funny. 

Yesterday it all caught up with me, and I cried periodically throughout the day. I finally decided I couldn't hide my tears any longer. I let myself think about how afraid I am of all the different things that will be happening in the next handful of months. I thought about how bad that last month of pregnancy is, how uncomfortable you get. I thought about how painful childbirth is. I thought about the newborn stage, the terrible sleep deprivation. And I thought about how I'd be going through all of that and struggling to still be a good mom to Hartley. I thought how I might just be the worst boy mom in the world because I hate sports and know jackshit about that stuff. 

But today I woke up feeling very zen. Beautiful weather, new day, I can do this. 

I did my little diabetes test and ate my diabetes friendly breakfast, and I remembered to record them in my log. By the way, the whole gestational diabetes thing is a giant pain in the ass in addition to everything else. 

I did decide to screw being home for the next finger prick test and walk Hartley over to the soccer field instead. We made a pit stop at Starbucks, which is the epitome of an awesome Friday treat. We went to the field and Hartley ran to everything she wasn't supposed to: a man we didn't know (who definitely creeped me out) and the busy street a few times. So I put her in the stroller and headed to do outdoor time beside our house. Again, there was stranger chasing and running away from me and running into the parking lot. So after saying "stop"/"follow me"/"we don't go in the street" a dozen times, I took her inside and did our first ever time out. She was tantrumming from having to go inside, and I put her in the living room to cool down and have quiet time. After a while the fist clenching, foot stomping and wailing subsided, and she cooled down. 

I love my daughter to pieces, and I hate being the tough mom but we're running into some issues that need to stop for her own safety. Sometimes I feel guilt over me being slow or us not having a proper yard for her because then she wouldn't need my "rules". But I know at the end of the day, that she is a very loved and lucky little lady. She's getting a sibling (let's get real, that's the best gift I'll ever give her), and more than likely, she's getting a real yard next year. Then that kid will basically be living the life, and she'll be well versed in her listening skills, which she'll need anyway. 

I also feel for her because her body is more like a 2 year old's. She's not a small kid, and that makes her stronger and faster than her age. She also has more energy than her age. She seems to do best with her 2 year old playmates. But her cognitive skills are that of a 15 month old, so it makes things tough. I notice when a 2 year old hears "stop", they will stop. Hartley won't, which is probably typical of her age but I forget how old she is as our running speeds are now the same. My mom came up with this theory actually (because she has spent enough time with Hartley to know what I'm talking about), and it really clicked for me. I can't lie, before my mom said that I actually had started to worry Hartley had something really wrong with her. I was honestly thinking maybe it's an attention disorder or some form or autism, not kidding. But now I'm pretty convinced her body might just be advanced in comparison to her typically developing brain.

That's not the easiest combination. It's hard for me, and probably very frustrating for her as well. However, it's one of those things that will totally even out over time, and in a year, it will (knock on wood) be a distant memory. It does suck right now though, and trust me, I have browsed child leashes online. Sorry I'm not sorry. 

This blog might have been long but it barely scratches the surface of our lives lately. And before I wrap this up, I must mention that my husband is super husband/dad. As I continue to grow more tired/cranky/emotional, he just keeps stepping up to the plate and being our family all star. Whether its coming from work a little early and taking Hartley out to play or fixing my pregnant lady blues by taking us out to dinner, he's the best. He's constantly helping with tidying the house and picking up toys, which used to be the job of yours truly until bending over started to get the best of me recently. And the people at the grocery store know him and Hartley by name because they do all the big trips. I don't know how he does it. I don't know how a person can work as hard as he does at work and manage to be such a huge help at home but I'm incredibly grateful for it because without him, I'd be even crazier than I already am ;) 

So this is a bit of what's going on in the Cranes' nest for now but we're about to take on a 3 day weekend, and soon after that, a trip to the beach and a trip to Raleigh, so there are fun adventures ahead for us. Hope everyone enjoys the long weekend and tackles it with a Hartley level of energy ;) 

Mother's Day

This blog is pretty late but this mothers' day was wonderful. 

A while ago, my brother and his fiancé offered to host mothers' day at their new house. So I suggested to Brian that he offer to take his mom out for mothers' day brunch. And I probably hinted that he could plan something for me the day before actual mothers' day ;)

It sounds dumb but I wanted this mother's day to surpass last year's. Last year we learned you can't go out to eat without reservations... unless you go to Red Robin. Hartley woke up as soon as we got there, and I remember praying for her to not cry. Of course she wailed, so I wolfed down a chicken finger, chugged my margarita, and we left speedily. I remember feeling like the worst mother ever because I could not get my baby to stop crying. I remember saying to Brian, "people call this a holiday?!"

This year I just wanted there to be no tears - from Hartley or myself. 

Well, there were tears alright - but they were happy ones. 

Our weekend plans were to see the Avengers movie on Friday night, my Mother's Day would be Saturday, and Sunday we would spend with our mothers. 

Brian came home from work early on Friday so I could "get ready for our date". That should've tipped me off but I thought that maybe Brian could tell I was really tired lately, and he wanted to give me a little extra me time. My mom called while I was getting ready, and I told her even though I had no desire to see the Avengers, I was so happy to be getting out of the house for a break. 

My dad came over to baby sit, and Hartley lit up as she always goes nuts when she sees my dad. I was feeling like it was a win win for all. 

When we were in the car, Brian passed the exit for the movie theatre so I told him he just missed it. He told me he'd turn around but could I grab him a tissue out of the glove compartment. So I opened it and out fell a couple envelopes. 

I opened the first one, and this is what it said: 

"If all has gone according to plan, I just 'accidentally' passed the exit for the Alamo Drafthouse. Did you really think I'd drag you to Avengers on Mother's Day weekend? Ok... I can see why you'd think that but alas - we are going to spend the night at Lansdowne!! Your parents are in on it, so don't worry about Hartley! You are an amazing mother, wife, friend and woman. I'm so grateful for all you do, and I'm constantly in awe of you. So let's have a fun, relaxing night because lord knows you deserve it. I love you." 

Cue the pregnant lady tears.

In 8.5 years, Brian has never pulled off a surprise. It's cute, he usually gets excited about gifts and spills the beans before he even gives them. But this was such an incredible surprise, and it was perfect. 

The second envelope was a gift certificate to the nail place down the street. I told him all I wanted for Mother's Day was a pedicure - he listened but got me one for a manicure and pedicure. Most thoughtful gift ever for a pregnant mom who can hardly reach her own toes. 

When we arrived, he surprised me with various little treats including chocolate covered strawberries (which I obviously 'cheated' and ate a couple) and a framed picture of Hartley and I. 

Obviously, at 15 months in, I'm still new to motherhood. I love it but somedays it's a little hard that the person I care for 24/7 can't say, "thank you". She can't say, "I love you". So sometimes I feel like all the things I do aren't really noticed. So when my husband stops to recognize and show me how grateful he is, it definitely tugs on the old heart strings. 

We went out to dinner, and I even ordered a mocktail. We talked about non kid things. It was so nice. No high chair. No food chopping. No crayon throwing. No mess. Just two parents kicking back enjoying food and each other's company! 

In the morning, we ordered room service and enjoyed breakfast in bed. Then we went for a walk around the resort and enjoyed the beautiful weather. I actually got to SIP my coffee. Not guzzle it or play keep away from Hartley! Sip!!

When we returned, Hartley even seemed happy to see me. She reached out her arms when she saw me for a hug. I never get that because I very rarely leave her. That felt like the cherry on top.

Brian also cooked me a special dinner of crab legs on Saturday and gave me the most beautiful hot pink roses (my absolute favorite). 

It was total perfection. 

Sorry that this sounds like a total wife brag. But if you'd lived the couple weeks in our house leading up to Mother's Day, you'd understand just exactly how much this meant to me. 

I saw a funny buzzfeed pie chart floating around of "What Mothers Really Want For Mother's Day". Well, Buzzfeed, my husband is pretty hip to what this mama wanted. He hit it out of the park! 

Perspective

Lately life has been wonderful. There is something amazingly powerful about fresh air and sunshine. Once we started seeing days consistently in the 50's and above I felt like I was reborn. I actually think spring might be my new favorite season.

I've stopped blogging for the most part. The truth is there's not much to say. Every entry would look the same. Life is good. We spend a lot of time on walks, on the soccer field or at the playground. And while Brian and I are finding every damn thing Hartley does to be adorable beyond words, I'm sure most of the world doesn't share our same fascination. 

But yesterday I finally felt inspired to write a blog. 

While life has been absolutely wonderful lately, I still carry around a lot of minuscule worries. They are pretty silly things to worry about but they're the things that are big in my life currently. 

I'm scared for Patrick's arrival. I'm scared to go through child birth. I now know what to expect, and it isn't easy. I'm scared for the post partum period. I'm scared for the newborn phase. I'm scared to attempt breastfeeding again. I'm scared to juggle two very young children. I'm scared for how everything will affect Hartley. I'm scared that it will be a long time before life feels easy again. Like I said, I know these fears will strike many as trivial but they are still the fears I have. Ok, trivial isn't the correct word here. They aren't trival worries as much as they are good worries to have because they are the worries that accompany a baby. 

Brian and I have also been talking about making a big change in about a year. It's not another baby so don't even go there! I'm not putting it on the blog since it's still very far away. My close friends and family have heard us talk about it, and they're probably laughing at how silly I am. I truly worry about changes that aren't even that crazy of changes - and changes that are far away. I second guess and think of all the hard parts. So yeah, I'm worried about something we've discussed doing in a year, that's a very happy, positive, exciting thing. 

So like I said, life has been great but even still I'm not totally living worry-free. 

But yesterday things clicked for me.

We were going to visit my grandparents in Maryland. I'm very fortunate to still have 3 of my grandparents still living, which means H has met 3 of her great grandparents. Pretty amazing. 

As we were driving out, we were running late. We left about 5 minutes later than my latest cut off time. Hartley had napped long even though I purposely put her down for her nap very early. I was already stressed about that but then I was sitting in the car worrying more. What if she poops, and we have to take a diaper change detour? What if she starts flipping out and cries the whole way? What if she melts down when we get there or she makes a total mess? If you're the parent of a small child, these fears may sound familiar. Of course, we missed our exit. It wasn't a big deal but I worried that we were going to be even later. 

Well guess what happened? We got there a little late. But guess what else? My grandparents weren't mad or disappointed. There were just happy to see us. Even though Hartley was running around like a whirling dervish, they just lit up watching her. Hartley smiled, laughed and had fun. So did they and so did we. Everything was fine. Then she left and visited my grandma in her rehab center (she just suffered a stroke). Again, everything went wonderfully. Hartley ran around and danced and chased bubbles, putting on her little show. My grandma smiled and lit up watching her. And nothing went awry. 

Everyone had fun. All went well. And Hartley even slept in her carseat on the way home. But I wasted an hour on the drive over worrying. 

On the way home I looked back and thought, "how silly am I?" 

We spent time with 4 generations under the same roof. It was a beautiful thing. Everyone was happy. My grandparents were happy to see us, and we enjoyed seeing them. I think they truly treasure getting to see a baby toddle about since it's been a very long time since my cousins and I have been that small. They weren't sweating the small stuff in that moment - so why the hell was I? The beautiful wisdom that comes with age.

It's hard but I need to let the little stuff go. Things will sometimes slip around me. That's ok. I need to stop worrying about the bad parts of things. The truth is, Patrick is a miracle in the truest sense of the word. I am beyond blessed to be pregnant, especially because it was very difficult (understatement) for me to conceive Hartley. I'm growing human life. I'll be welcoming my son. And it will be difficult but someday these baby days will be gone. While they can be exhausting, they are fleeting, and I will one day miss them. 

As long as life can be, it will still always be too short. 

So I took Hartley for a walk this morning - both in our pajamas. I savored being able to push that big stroller with my big babe. Even though my pregnant back can get achy, I remembered to savor what I was doing. I was breathing in misty rain soaked air and listening to Hartley kick her feet around and laugh about nothing. Life is wonderful. It's never perfect but wonderful. These days of just her and I are numbered so I'll soak them up and appreciate them and try not to live in fear of what is to come.

I realize this entry is a little cheesy but I'm hoping it reminds others (especially on a Monday) not to sweat the small stuff and appreciate the good stuff. If we could all focus more on the positive and less on the negative, what a wonderful world it would be. I'm constantly trying to be the best person I can be. I will inevitably fail at times (that's life) but today I'm motivated not to take things for granted. 

Hartley has brought me a copius amount of perspective on life. But sometimes it slips away in the doldrums of the day to day. Seeing the joy she brings to those much closer to the end of life than the beginning refreshes that perspective. These are the days, and it's time to enjoy them without getting bogged down in worries. 

14 months.

Dear Hartley,

You've been here for 14 months now but I've gotten to the point where I can't remember life without you. As usual, this has become my favorite age! 

You have blossomed so much. This past month has really be defined by lots of playing outside. It's your favorite thing. You love to run. You love to find sticks and rocks. You also love pulling these little warning flags out of the ground that are in the ground on the pipeline. Of course you loved "hunting" for Easter eggs, too.

You've also gotten really into bouncing your ball and even trying to dribble it. 

You are constantly babbling. It's adorable. You prefer babbling to speaking with your words but you have quite a few under your belt now. You can say the following words: hi, bye, yeah, no, dada, mama, woah, baa (sheep noise). You also know quack and moo (which sounds like "oooo") but you're more shy about saying them in front of people. Lately I've also thought I've heard you say "ball" a couple times. 

You're very proud of your skills, as you should be! You often bring your sheep to me so I'll ask you what a sheep says. You'll say "baa" and smile from ear to eat with pride. Sometimes you even clap for yourself. 

You've mastered stacking rings on your ring stacker. You're starting to get how to use your shape sorter. You have the most success with getting the circle in it. 

You still love to dance. I have so many videos on my phone of you dancing and you're continuing to get new moves. I think your current favorite song is Uptown Funk. I have a cute video of that one! 

On Easter you liked playing with chalk but crayons haven't really taken off here yet. When I give you crayons you color on everything that isn't paper. 

You love being read to and have started sitting in my lap for story time. You love The Biggest Kiss and The Belly Button Book. Dad reads you Tacky The Penguin almost every morning, and I love to sneak in and watch you guys. 

Since I'm pregnant with your little brother, we definitely need tv chill out time sometimes (especially today because I have a nasty cold). You love Sesame Street. You love Elmo. You love to dance, clap and stomp along to the songs. It's so cute. Dad got you a Cookie Monster doll, and you give the Cookie Monster doll hugs. 

Your favorite foods are basically all fruits. The top two are grapes and blueberries. You're definitely in a toddler phase of only wanting to eat what you like so we often save fruit for dessert. You also love hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets and green beans. Total toddler palette! 

You also love to make music with your xylophone and piano. You're starting to get wood puzzles like the one of your name. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting lots of things but in summary, you are an amazing little person. You have a very sweet, happy go lucky personality. You have little fear. You are wild, active and adventurous. Your dad and I love seeing you smile, laugh and explore.

I love you so much, lovey. 

Happy 14 months! 

Love, Mama

Easter

I think this Easter takes the cake for the favorite holiday of my adult life. 

Hartley is still at an age where she definitely doesn't "get" the Easter bunny coming and bringing her a basket of goodies yet. I'm thinking each holiday after this one it will start to click a little more. 

As awful as it makes me sound, I missed her Easter morning expression when she got to see her gifts. The night before Easter I was up from 1:30-5:30 and slept in to a whopping 7:30, just long enough to miss the basket time. I'm told she was pretty excited though!

The truth is we hardly bought Hartley anything for her birthday (a puzzle and a small little people set), and we really just bought her one big gift (a bunny rocker) for Christmas. So as Easter approached we both were having the itch to buy her specific toys that were bigger than traditional Easter gifts. So we went for it. Brian bought her a little tikes basketball hoop, and I bought her an easel with a magnetic white board and chalkboard. The room we once called a family room is now a full on playroom. As my mom would say when she had small children, "my interior decorator is fisher price". I swore I'd never let that happen but I kind of love it actually. 

After Hartley's morning nap, we went to my parents' house for brunch. My mom outdid herself this year. I swear that woman gives Martha Stewart a run for her money. It was heaven for a pregnant woman. I'm pretty sure my favorites were her egg & sausage casserole, cheesy "funeral" potato casserole, monkey bread and strawberry fields salad.

After eating we went outside to "hunt eggs". Basically we all went to the backyard so Hartley could run around picking up empty eggs. And my envy over my parents' backyard grew exponentially. It's completely perfect for Hartley who just loves to cover as much ground as possible. She could toddle all over that yard all day, which meant Brian and I actually got to kick back. Normally taking her places means chasing after her to make she she avoids scary furniture and uncovered outlets. An acre of grass for the win! She also got to chase the dogs, which is totally hilarious to her and pretty funny to watch. 

My parents also installed a baby swing under their back deck so she totally got a kick out of that. It's so much nicer than the ones at the neighborhood playground so she was probably feeling like the princess of the day. They got her a cabbage patch doll and stroller for Easter so she can "practice" having a baby around. She slammed into into the floor a couple times so I'm sure she's going to be a natural ;)

Honestly, I say it was my favorite holiday because it was Hartley's favorite holiday. Watching her get to have a fun day totally in her element was so nice. And I'll selfishly admit, her getting to be outside and have tons of space to roam really makes my job insanely easy. It was like an Easter gift all around. 

At the end, even Hartley was yawning. And since my dad was laying on the grass (and Hartley is over the moon about him), he made the perfect piece of lawn furniture for her to climb up on for a little rest. 

When we got home, of course the afternoon nap was off the table. The party couldn't stop! So we took her to a soccer field next to our house and let her run free. We thought ahead to being balls for her to kick around, and I swear she dribbled (and not just talking about the dribbling drool) for the first time. Side note: if you have a toddler who likes to cover area and you don't have a yard - soccer fields are amazing. 

By the end of the day, we were all insanely exhausted. Of course yours truly is getting sick (a sore throat and sneezing crept in Easter night). But my last time being sick was my birthday last year so I've had a good run. My sore throat and I were up at 4:30 am, hence the quick turnaround on an Easter blog. 

And today, as the one woman show I am, won't be as much fun for Hartley as it was yesterday but at least we have Easter goodies laying around for some Monday fun! Hope everyone else had a nice Easter, too. Hope your bellies got filled with good eats and candy and you got to enjoy that amazing sunshine!