30 weeks.

How far along: 30 weeks, 1 day

Weight gain: 10 pounds!

Maternity clothes? Yes, and I make them look good :)

Stretch marks: Yes. But my friend's mom mailed me some Josie Maran Argon Oil to help. Loving that sweet gift.

Best moment of the week: Getting my nails done with my mom.

Miss anything? ALCOHOL. Period. Seriously.

Movement? Kicks are getting strong enough that Brian got to feel her twice. He thought it was very cool. And I'm so happy 30 weeks seemed to be the magic number there.

Food cravings? Everything. My in laws hosted Thanksgiving around lunch time and were completely dumbfounded that we planned on eating a Thanksgiving dinner too (Brian and I visit up to 3 house per holiday, I'm from a BIG family - so we have experience). Thanksgiving dinner I cleared a huge plate with no shame. Fried turkey happens once a year so I made that turkey my bitch.

Anything making you queasy or sick? This week after our ultrasound news I felt nauseous a lot but it was anxiety. 

Have you started to show? Yes.

Gender: girl

Belly button in? Yes

Wedding rings on? Nope, off.

Happy or Moody? Mostly just a little sad, confused, occasionally moody - but getting better

Looking forward to: not entirely sure. I'd say the shower because I am looking forward to it. But more than anything I'm eagerly awaiting our next sonogram. I am still worried about my little one, and nothing will quite be the same until I hear some good news.

Every day gets a little easier since our news on Tuesday. Only 3 days and it's felt like forever. I'm cautiously optimistic. I haven't cried today.

Last night I couldn't sleep to save my life. A combination of being uncomfortable and a racing mind. I thought about Hartley's brain. I thought about finances. I thought about what the next few months were going to be like. I thought about what a big change is happening in our lives. I think being around immediate and extended family/family friends made me realize how much the "family" demographic is going to change. I thought about the fact that I'm going to be the mom and Brian will be the dad in our little family. I thought about how I will be responsible (Brian too - but let's face it, really me) for starting our traditions with our daughter. I thought about how that Thanksgiving would be the last one like it. 

I thought about the pancake tradition I'm going to start with Hartley next year. About how we'll watch the parade and the dog show in our pajamas. I thought about how, when Hartley is old enough, I'm going to convince Brian to trek up to NYC so we can go to the parade, our little fam.

I thought about brains. I thought about how fragile life really is. I thought about the moment H will get here. I thought about how even though there will be a moment of relief to see her safe and healthy, all new worries will start.

My body is changing. The baby is growing. And we're now just less than 10 weeks away from Hartley's due date. She'll actually be a full term, fully baked little baby in just 48 days. That is sinking in too.

I have an urge to speed it up, and sometimes I feel like it can't speed up because there's a lot to still be done. 

Oh Hartley, you have been on my mind non stop lately. I worry about you. I can't wait to meet you. And I love you so much already :)

Some relief.

I was so relieved that the doctor called me back today. The radiologist hasn't reviewed the pictures yet but the doctor was very reassuring. She said because Hartley is always breech and this was her first head down sonogram that that could have changed the appearance. The angle could've been a little off. All the good previous scans make them very optimistic. Also her ventricle is only mildly enlarged. And if it doesn't change, she should be born without complications. She said this was nothing my infection caused. It's not my fault. She said I need to wait two weeks to get an accurate scan to disprove this one. So while we're not completely in the clear yet, I feel better. And as always, they're watching me closely.

My mom was also champion of the day. She stepped up like nobody's business. Offering to go to the doctor with me. Offering to go grocery shopping for me. Keeping me entertained all day. She told me she and my dad lost sleep over this last night. And even though they're thinking positive, if anything is wrong, I won't be alone. They'd pitch in and help. She said the news is a relief but we'll all just pray and breath the official sigh of relief in 15 days. It hit me that maybe she really is going to ace the grandma thing. She is the busiest woman ever, and she dropped everything to take care of Hartley and I.

My mother in law seemed really concerned about us going to Thanksgiving. So that was interesting. I guess I had other things on my mind and keep forgetting tomorrow is a holiday. But Brian said he's felt the same way. Hard to think turkey when you're worried about a baby. 

Now I think I can mentally prepare for a holiday. And not be too distracted.

Off to return to some normalcy. Time to think the best and enjoy this extra time with the husband.

Waiting

So I woke up at 5 am. I had a couple little tears rolling down my cheek as I came to. I didn't even realize that was possible. 

Looking at the clock I thought "4 hours until I call the doctor".

Brian just slept away. He actually sleeps when he's stressed out so he fell asleep yesterday at 7 pm as I was sitting on the couch crying. I debated for a while if there was anyone I could talk to that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I have a lot of well meaning people in my life who usually just make me feel worse. 

I decided to call my mom. I got through about my first sentence before I just bawled like a baby. She stayed very calm but let me know I was justified in being concerned. A brain anomaly is concerning. She pushed me to go out and get answers from my doctor. She said she'd go with me to be an extra set of ears. We talked a while and when I hung up I genuinely felt better. She called me back an hour later to tell me two things. She said she thought the baby looks so perfect on her ultrasound photos that she didn't look like she could possibly have a problem. And she told me no matter what happens, not to blame myself.

It's weird how even if you don't always know it, your mom knows you so well. How she knows that I had sat around all day beating myself up about my infection is beyond me. When I learned that infections cause this to happen, all I could think about was the bacterial infection I had between last ultrasound and this ultrasound. If I found out an infection caused this, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. 

I talked to my friend Kasie who knows about all this stuff. She even contacted a genetic counselor friend of hers to give some insight. And I talked to my amazing friend Sabrina. Who is one of the rare people who has that gift of always saying the right things at the right time. 

At 5 o'clock, I decided to sit and watch the clock. I decided to worry and to cry. (Side note: if people tell you to shut off worry like it's a light switch, make sure you don't use them as a source of comfort. I actually find the biggest worriers tend to use the "don't worry/it'll all be ok" line on others even though they are the worst ones. Worrying about this stuff is normal, so worry I will. Yoda style.)

I eventually fell back asleep. I woke up at 8:30 and watched until the clock hit 9:02 to call the doctor. I was armed with a list of questions. But the nurse told me that they can't talk to me about it until the radiologist reviews it. She said she'd call the radiologist to get a preliminary report and get back to me as soon as possible. I hope they call. Going in to a 4 day holiday weekend not knowing sounds like a fucking nightmare. Let me tell you I have already decided tomorrow will go down in the books as my least favorite Thanksgiving of all time.

I've decided I can likely fly under the radar at my in laws. I'm not one of the big talkers anyway and there will be enough people that I can get away with eating quietly. At my family's it will be such a small group that it should be easy. Plus, I don't remotely mind crying in front of them if tears accidentally slip out. Let me tell you, pregnancy hormones, first time mom status, plus upsetting news = tears like you would not believe.

Today my mom is coming to be with me. Which is really very nice of her. I didn't ask. She texted me this morning that she'd be over in two hours. Instead of fighting it and pretending I was ok, I decided maybe I should just let someone help me. She offered to go out and buy ingredients for my sweet potato dish, which B and I did yesterday. She offered to take me to get my nails done. 

Brian yesterday spouted off all this "you're such a strong woman" stuff. The toughest he knows. But sometimes I just want people to let me be the imperfect person I am. The woman who breaks down temporarily. I'm not a robot. I'm not a martyr. I'm a soon to be mom worried about my little girl. And I'm not trying to be anything else.

On a positive note. Baby girl stuck her face right into the 3D ultrasound thingy. Guess who she looks Iike? That's right, yours truly. The tech raved about how gorgeous she is. Meanwhile I was thinking, "that girl has mama's lips and nose". Brian noticed on the pictures I brought home. Incredible.

29 weeks, 5 days - our 30 week appointment

So it makes sense that it would rain today. After my appointment I just want to lay in bed and hibernate.

Disclaimer: I know everything will be okay. But I'm writing this to help me process things. And I don't want to talk to anyone right now. It was hard enough for me to talk to Brian.

The appointment started off great. Baby girl is looking gorgeous. You can see her facial features very well now. She has beautiful lips. A very sweet looking button nose. I actually got a decent profile shot of her. She is estimated to weigh 3 pounds, 2 ounces, and she is measuring at the 30 week mark. She is head down. Yay! She moved during the ultrasound. Usually she's as lazy as can be!

We got to my part of the appointment. They asked how I was feeling. I said I was tired and lightheaded but I knew that was normal. The nurse said, "it's a little early for that". In my head I just thought, "another bitch telling me I'm a wuss". How's this for wussy? My 24 hour urine test came back that I'm anemic, even with the iron I'm taking. No one told me that. So for the past 6 weeks my chart said that I'm anemic. No one told me. And this is why I get so tired and dizzy after being on my feet. I got bumped up to a higher dose of iron. They said it will take a while for it to take effect and to get me back to normal.

So I figured, ok, cool. I asked if I was good to go, and the doctor said no. 

She couldn't lecture me about my weight. I'm up 10 pounds. Wonder what this is about.

She wanted to talk about my ultrasound. She asked if I knew about anatomy. I kind of know that stuff actually so I told her that I know a little. Then she tells me that something didn't look right with the baby's brain. She said her left ventricle was prominent. She looked at me to see my response but I just stared and looked blankly at her. What else was I supposed to do. I asked what this meant and what was going on. She told me a radiologist would review it. They want me to come back in two weeks to check again, unless the radiologist thinks it needs to be sooner. She said it is likely nothing - a 10% chance. The fact that it has only shown on one scan is good. She said if it is abnormal in two weeks, they will pass me off to a specialist who can help. I decided I wouldn't cry in front of her. But it was painfully obvious that she and I were both uncomfortable.

She walked me up to the receptionist to help me make the appointment. Right before she began talking about the appointment, she turned to me and asked if I was comfortable with waiting a full two weeks. I said yes. I didn't want to say no, even though no is the real answer.

She looked at me with a very sweet look and told me to rest, to take it easy. And I told her I would.

I walked on to the elevator to be greeted by the perkiest pregnant woman. She too is due with a little girl in the beginning of February. She was all smiles. I tried to be too. Secretly wondering, how are your baby's ventricles?

As soon as I got in my car, I cried. I'm not dumb. I know statistics. I know 10% isn't much. But I also know its still easy to fall in to that 10% group. I cried because I just saw my beautiful daughter then had a doctor tell me she might have a problem. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. There's nothing I can do to help my baby. 

I needed to cry on that car ride home. I needed to not talk to anyone about it. 

Then I got home and had to tell Brian. He asked if he could call. I told him no, I'd text him the details. I hate people seeing or hearing me cry. We're both processing this.

And no, we're not over reacting. We're letting it sink in. Then staying optimistic. 

But as I write this, the walls are spinning a little. I'm having a little trouble taking deep breaths.

I know it will be ok but I can't hear that from anyone right now. This blog might turn back in to my therapist over the next few days. 

7 years ago today.

7 years ago today I met the man I would marry.

When I first saw him I thought, "this guy is so handsome." If you ask him what he thought when he first saw me he'd tell you he thought I was really short. 

He was extremely shy. He would look down when he talked and seemed extremely nervous. I thought it was funny because I'm not the kind of person that people get nervous around. I pretty desperately wanted him to be at ease around me. So at the end when he seemed to be debating whether or not to give me a good bye handshake, I just gave him a big hug.

At a foot taller than me, it was like hugging a big bear.

That day was like any other day for me really. At 21, I went out on lots of dates, and I had no idea that would be the one where I met my husband. 

I sometimes think we're those same two college kids. But the truth is we met at a funny time in life. Because even though seven years may not sound like all that long to some, we actually grew up a lot.

When we met we were living at home with our parents. Brian had just turned 22. Our lives were those of normal college kids. Brian studied a lot. I should have been studying more. I remember the cold December day Brian interviewed for his job, and he's been working there for 6.5 years... now as a manager. He was funny about not going to his commencement ceremony but he bought me a Georgetown sweatshirt from the bookstore on one of his last days on campus. When I graduated he was there. There are pictures of us holding my book at my senior art show and pictures of him with his arm around me in my cap and gown at graduation. He made some big purchases: a condo and then a ring. I moved out of my parents house and in with Brian. Which at first felt like we were just playing house - I was 23! We had our wedding. We patched leaks. We celebrated anniversaries. We had lots of fun, easy days, and then we had some challenging ones. We sold the condo and bought a family friendly townhouse. I got pregnant. And in a couple months, we're going to be parents. 

It seems like forever and the blink of an eye at the same time. It sounds so ordinary yet looking back feels kind of extraordinary. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

And when I think about how much love we have for each other and how well we do as a couple, I know that Hartley is going to be a very lucky girl. We are so lucky to get to be her parents, and she is so lucky to have us as her parents. 

Brian told me this morning that he's so excited for our eighth year. It will certainly be one of the big ones. It can go slowly. I'd love to savor our little family as long as we can. But undoubtedly next year, I'll tell you how it flew. How the baby that grew in my belly during Thanksgiving 2013 might be trying some of her first Thanksgiving foods in a few days. And how it goes too fast. 

7 years. No itch. But some amazing memories and lots to look forward to.

Welcome to Hartley's Nursery (so far)

So a shout out to Brian for figuring out what I clearly couldn't: how to add pictures here!

Lets face it, when Hartley arrives my life is going to change big time. I'm not remotely assuming this parenting thing will be easy (especially the whole keeping an infant alive part). But between all the not-so-fun preparations, the nursery has been a blast to work on.

Obviously the nursery is not done. I have a bit over 10 weeks of baby growing left, and my baby shower in 2 weeks. Obviously I'm not going out and buying linens off my registry just to stage a blogpost for you, so use your "potential goggles" here please. 

Without further adieu, I give you (unfiltered cell phone/not the best quality) pictures. And since you might not want to read captions, I give you numbers so you can read captions below if you choose!

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1. Welcome to the nursery! This is the view as you walk in. The walls are Behr paint but in Sherwin William's "Mountain Air", a very light grayish blue. And yes, we did the less expensive paint in a designer color route. Cut corners where you can, right?

2. This is my homemade cotton ball wreath. I completely copied it from a PB Kids catalog. I did add gold glitter dots that I cut out of glitter paper to give it extra oomph.

3. This is the corner where her crib is. I absolutely love this Jenny Lind crib from Target. Probably should toss up a just crib picture. It's adorable spindles and vintage inspired design give it a lot of charm... For less than $200. I bought it before we knew gender because I loved it that much.

4. As you can see in the "corner picture" this little guy is perched on a shelf. If you read this blog from the beginning you might remember this was our first baby purchase, which we bought the day we found out I was pregnant. But this shelf is also where the video baby monitor will perch to peer in our girl. The shelf is amazing. A container store find. At $30 it wasn't particularly cheap but it's sturdy and gorgeous.

5. My homemade wall art. I made this a couple days after learning her gender. I looked online and found tons of amazing artwork for her room, only to realize I'm not Miss Moneybags, and blowing a ton of money on wall art would just be stupid. So I bought these frames at Michaels, buy 2, get 1 free. I used scrap paper and my thin tipped sharpie and went to town. It reads "We love you... With all our Harts." Cheesy. But I'm cheesy.

6. The splurge of the nursery! This glider was a gift from my in laws. It actually is a Pottery Barn splurge. It is the most comfortable glider in the world. And the wingback design? Amazing. When it's done it's nursery use, it will grace another room in our house with it's presence. I love the lamp too. The lamp is Target - I mean, where else? 

7. The bunny picture I made. I bought this obscenely expensive paper - $8 for a 2 by 3 foot bunny print paper. I had no purpose for it. And I knew Brian wasn't going to be happy. So I ran to Michael's, fished a $12 frame out of the clearance bin and slapped this together using about 1/3 the bunny paper I bought. I just cut out a bunny silhouette from some white paper I had and voila, instant artwork. At less than $16, it's one of my favorite things in this nursery. 

8. Fell in love with a gorgeous Land of Nod version. Reminded myself again that I'm not Miss Moneybags. Bought this curtain rod for less than half the expensive version. Target find. The curtains are Simply Shabby Chic from Target. Have loved SSC for the past 10 years.

9. Here's the dresser slash changing table from Value City furniture. It is amazingly sturdy and appears to be a very quality piece. Bought it on sale - $100 off. Paid $0 to have it delivered because Brian and my brother are two very strong guys and my dad has a truck. Still on the hunt for a mirror for over the dresser...

10. The plastic bins I bought looked majorly cheesy... But they were a lot less expensive than the baskets I liked. Hello, bunny paper, gold glitter ribbon and double sided tape. Looks like boutiquey drawers but they are just some of my "fake it til you make it" creations.

11. Adorable socks gifted to me from my mom's friend. And this little glittery box? $1.79 at the container store. Can use to hold small hygiene products like diaper rash cream, q tips, cotton balls, hair accessories, etc. Might buy 1 or 2 more once we see what she needs at her changing/grooming station. 

12. So this basket isn't perfect for holding books but I had it laying around my house so I figured why not. We'll keep 8-10 books in this basket at a time and the rest will be in a bin in the closet to rotate out when we need them. I'm not one for cluttering a small space with book shelves. Too much. Maybe some day I'll go all out and get a basket with a chalkboard label but for now, the free one works.

13. Not exactly a nursery picture but this is her planned take home outfit. I know it might not be feasible or could be the wrong size but for now I'm hoping it works because I LOVE it. And yes, it's from Target. 

By the way, I felt compelled to disclose some sources and prices here. In a world where we are all pinning well staged, expensive, designer nurseries, I think it's important to remember that we don't have to have those nurseries in order to love the ones we make. My thoughts: splurge when you really want to, save whenever you can, and remember your baby isn't going to remotely care how much you spend on that first room. Oh, and don't let people tell you blue walls aren't a girl nursery thing.

29 weeks.

Last week in the 20's! And for the math geeks - 1 week away from being 75% done. Baby is full term in 8 weeks.

How far along: 29 weeks

Weight gain: 7.5 pounds (doesn't make sense if you saw how many donuts and chocolate crossiants I've been consuming)

Maternity clothes? Yes. I added 4 maternity sweaters to my collection last week as a Christmas gift to myself. Thank goodness for Motherhood Maternity's prices. 4 sweaters and a pair of maternity hose for $120. Still shocked Brian though.

Stretch marks? Yes. But best husband ever says they make us twins, and I love him for that.

Best moment of the week: Anytime I've laid in bed or eaten out. Those are the two things that make me happiest and most comfortable now.

Miss anything? Alcohol. To all the people posting pictures of Christmas cocktails on Facebook, I like your style but I hate you right now.

Movement? Lots of kicks that can't be felt from the outside.

Food cravings: Sweets! Cookies, chocolate, pastries. Today I cut down on it because I've been eating them like nobody's business. But I can't lie, I basically day dream about Christmas cookies non stop.

Anything making you queasy or sick: over eating donuts and some antibiotics I've been taking. But it feels funny to even mention in comparison to the morning sickness from hell!

Have you started to show? Yes.

Gender: sassy little girl

Belly button in? Yes. Please stay that way.

Wedding rings on? Nope. Basically I walk around looking like an unwed mother. 

Happy or moody? Mostly happy.

Looking forward to: seeing her again in just 5 days. Learning her weight update.

29 weeks. I really can't believe it. 

I am on top of the moon almost all the time. Then this little, "uh oh I'm not ready yet" feeling creeps on in. Last Friday, I had a little spaz attack, so Brian and I wrote a checklist. AND started working on it. He changed the outlets in the nursery. They looked pretty awful so there are now new white outlets and new white faceplates. I registered for childbirth and childcare classes. He ordered dreft detergent off amazon so we could wash clothes and linens after the baby shower. We ordered the nursery lamp. Never been so in love with a lamp before. It's a white candlestick floor lamp with a soft pink shade from Target. Target has become a go to place for a lot of the nursery needs. 

He got all the tools and extra junk out of the nursery. I made a cottonball wreath (sounds ugly so this is a time where a picture would be nice so I could prove I'm not crazy).

The crib mattress was delivered yesterday (a gift from my parents since they knew no one wanted to buy us a mattress as a shower gift) so now the basics of the room are taken care of.

I researched how to get pictures up here because I have a million cute ones to share but to be honest, I'm not savvy enough to do it on this iPad.

I have also thought about printing some nursery pictures to bring to the baby shower. Which sounds silly. But here's the reason why as illustrated in conversation form:

Random person: What color is her nursery? What's the theme?

Me: Oh, I think it's really cute. It's blue. There's no real theme - just a very whimsical vibe and the linens and accessories will be all different shades of pink.

Then I get a weird look like I clearly am the worst mother ever for not picking a jungle theme and lugging home a bed in a bag set from my local babies r us. 

Look my parents didn't pay for my art degree for completely nothing, people. (Thank God they didnt just read that) Trust me, I think I know how to decorate a cute nursery. It might not be Pottery Barn Kids or Land of Nod everything but I'm an awesome budget buyer, crafty lady - I got this. 

Well, enough of my random ramblings. It's time for some eggs, turkey bacon, and dunkin coffee. Lucky little girl is actually getting protein instead of straight sugar for breakfast! Then I'm visiting little baby Molly, aka Hartley's future buddy. 

The Question I Can't Answer

Brian told me the other day how creepy I am because I walk through life making conversations with almost everyone I come in to contact with. It came up because while I was at the dermatologist I ended up sitting next to this sweet girl who is due with a boy 4 weeks before I'm due with Hartley. We exchanged numbers and were conversing over Facebook. Brian, looking on, was telling me how much of a weirdo I am. I am weird. But it's so nice to talk to a person my age, due roughly when I'm due.

We actually were in the waiting room for a while so we talked about quite a few pregnancy things. One things we touched on was how funny it is that people ask us both how many kids we're going to have or when we're planning on the next one. She completely shared my sentiments: "Um, can I finish this one first, please?"

I actually don't mind questions like this; I used to ask people stuff like that. And in my case, most of the time, only strangers ask me, and occasionally close friends that think I'll let them in on the mystical secret answer. 

The truth is, over the years, I got comfortable sharing my infertility with the world because I got a little tired of people asking when Brian and I were going to have kids. I could write a whole long blog entry about the evolution of my response to that question over the almost 4 years of marriage before announcing my pregnancy but I digress. 

My new question is one I'm beyond ill-equipped to answer.

For about the first 21/22 weeks of pregnancy I was pretty sick, and I felt pretty miserable. I repeatedly told Brian he better love whatever he gets this pregnancy because it was all I would do. I mean, imagine 7 months of grueling fertility treatment, basically starting pregnancy tired, only to have severe morning sickness. There were days I cried when the light at the end of the tunnel (actually feeling decent) started to sound like a myth. 

Also, after not knowing if we'd ever have one child, I fell in love with the idea of having my one miracle baby. I just basked in that thought and threw away the idea of another baby. I couldn't see ever feeling like I needed anything else. And I usually still feel this way (95% of the time).

But lately as the awfulness seems to have fully exited, I've started to think about having another. I see dads with their sons, and I have this urge to give that to Brian too. So I started researching spontaneous pregnancy after IVF. It does happen. It's certainly not what usually happens but it's not impossible. They see it more often in women with unexplained infertility. Where as my infertility is very explained. Obviously, if we were able to achieve a spontaneous pregnancy, we would be thrilled to have more than one.

We are both very apprehensive about doing fertility treatment again. We are forever grateful for it, and we plan on storing our embryos until we are 100% ready to close that door forever. But neither of us can imagine going through it again. And neither of us wants Hartley to see it. Yes, moms drag their toddlers to their monitoring appointments. It's almost unavoidable. And I don't think I could ever have my daughter know about all that stuff until later, when I think she's ready. And I don't want her to see my weaknesses. I want her to always feel like her mom is a strong lady who can do anything. I don't want her to ever know the women who needed syringes and pills every day and couldn't keep her shit together.

Though I threw out to Brian the other day, "what if they transferred two, we had twins and actually had three kids total?" He seemed thrown through a loop by my question. We hadn't even thought about the possiblity of 3 kids in a long, long time. Yes, as newlyweds we thought we were going to have 3 or 4! Insert boisterous evil laugh here.

So when people ask, I've started with my very vague response of, "we're not sure yet." People give me the same weird looks as they did when I used to tell them Brian and I weren't sure when we'd start our family. Wondering in their minds, "don't you morons discuss these things?"

Somedays I want to say, "depends if this pregnancy fixes my fucked up lady parts." But I have to remember how uncomfortable everyone else in this world is with that kind of honesty.

I think over time my stock answer will evolve. But Brian and I know the true answer. The true answer is that we have no idea. We don't know what life has in store for us. We know that ultimately how many kids we have won't entirely be our decision. And it's taken me years to realize that's the right way to approach things. Yes, hardest life lesson ever. Sometimes you just need to let go of the set numbers and expectations. You say "fuck it". And you let life take you where you need to be when you're supposed to be there. 

Over 70% done with this pregnancy - how the hell did that happen?

Wow, I am 28 weeks, 4 days. That means there are less than 12 weeks until baby's due date. She will be a full term baby in just under two months. Absolutely crazy.

It has hit me like a freight train. This is no longer a dream, and the baby is no longer so far off in the distance that I can't even imagine her getting here. I started panicking a little on Friday. So we did the things that always make me feel better. We went on a dinner date, bought some crafting supplies and a notebook. I crafted. We wrote the third trimester checklist. It started with cleaning tools and extra junk out of the nursery and goes all the way to packing the hospital bag. 

Now,you're thinking, "girlfriend, you aren't working - how are you not ready?" First I say, touché. But to explain myself a little, I won't feel 100% ready until my little nest is perfect. I'm so happy that my dad completely renovated (like gutted and completely redid) Hartley's/the guest bathroom. However, imagine clearing out a bathroom full of medicine and hygiene products and tossing them in your guest room. Then purchase a vanity and toss that in your guest room. The new tub and toilet get thrown in the nursery. Scatter your upstairs hallway in tools. And that's been our upstairs for the past 6 weeks. 

Every time my off balanced pregnant ass would hop over tools, tiles and random construction materials, I decided my only option was to nest when construction was complete.

Well as of Friday, the bathroom is completely done. Completely gorgeous. Ah, beautiful and less stressful. 

So this weekend began the clean up, begin sorting, begin tossing and donating process. 

I can't figure out how to post photos here for the life of me but I am so incredibly in love with how the nursery looks. I know I'm biased but it is the most adorable nursery I have ever seen in my life. I'm just going to say it, I think I've outdone myself. This was something I literally had dreamt of since we began trying to conceive, and though it's not done, it currently exceeds my dream vision. 

We also had some maternity/fall/early Christmas photos taken this weekend. My friend Erin did them for us, and she did a beautiful job. I love that we have these memories in the form of lovely photos and even a little video. I already have picked one for the Christmas card. I've picked another to print for Hartley's room. 

Yesterday I helped my mom order stuff off my registry for my shower gift. I had her get the crib quilt, nice fitted sheet and nice changing pad cover from The Land Of Nod. Since I did opt to get Hartley some nice/more expensive linens I felt like a snob asking for them from my shower guests. She also bought us the crib mattress. A very nice gift of all things I really wanted and a crib mattress which we obviously really needed. And so many people have bought so many amazing things off the registry. I can't believe how much everyone is spoiling this little girl already! 

I see Hartley again in 8 days. She will likely have surpassed the 3 pound mark by then (I'm guessing she even could by the end of this week). She is no longer "the size of a lemon". She is about 15 inches long, getting close to that 3 pound mark (2 pounds, 10 ounces as of 5 days ago) and looking like a skinny little baby. And let me tell you, this breech little girl is definitely in there. I used to ask Brian, "is she still there?" Let me tell you, when I bend over, when I sit up from laying, when I try to walk really fast - she is definitely in there. And she loves to kick my bladder - loves it. And I look pregnant. If a person can't tell by now, then there might be something wrong with their vision. Both Brian and Winnie love touching the belly. I will be the most awkward pregnant lady ever when I tell you, I 100% do not mind people touching it, I kind of love it. I wish people could feel her kick but for now the kicks are mine and Hartley's little secret. Though I think Winnie has felt a couple! 

This entry has just been random ramble but I will close with the latest third trimester development: insane tiredness. I fall asleep usually between 9:30 and 10, and have been known to sleep until 8. Yes, your favorite insomniac has slept 10 hours a night averaging just one potty break a night. Thank you, third trimester and big baby girl. Don't mind if I do! 

A post I never wrote: the transfer

I was thinking the other day about c sections. Why am I the only first time mom who is 100% not weirded out at the prospect of having a c section? Right now our plan is for me to deliver vaginally but I won't lie, I can't see being disappointed about having to have a c section. I wondered why I was so strange. And then it hit me.

I think as women we idealize a lot of things. We have a way we picture our lives will go. 

One of the biggest challenges during infertility was letting go my dream of conceiving "the normal way". And never having that, "oh wait, I'm late, let me take a pregnancy test" moment. And you want to know the weirdest thing? If I could, I would not change a single thing about how Hartley came to be or how we found out about her. Not a single damn thing.

I realized I never wrote about the transfer (since we kept the date a secret). I wish I had revisited this memory sooner to remember even better but I'm still pretty clear on all of it. So here it goes. Our maybe not so typical but still amazingly beautiful conception of our daughter.

It was Friday, May 24th. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend. We made almost zero plans that weekend so I could stay in bed, even if some people say bed rest after the transfer is a myth, we weren't taking any chances.

We woke up. I made us a special breakfast of pancakes and bacon. I do this every birthday or holiday in our house. I took a nice long shower because I planned not to shower the day after the transfer. I decorated our chalkboard and had Brian take a picture of my bump. Basically a little bloat I was carrying around after several weeks straight of injections preparing my uterus. I had on a little make up (not much because I wanted to be a sterile as possible). I was in my Mason Nation t shirt from when the patriots made the final four and a pair of Boston College sweat pants from one of our Boston trips. 

We left insanely early on purpose. No traffic jam on 66 was going to stop us from getting our baby. In turn, we got there super early. We sat in the waiting room while I held a too full bladder. Minutes felt like hours. My in laws were in Ireland and had forgotten some things they needed to have shipped over. Brian was busy emailing them and figuring out tracking numbers and things. I sat next to him just refreshing Facebook and gmail on my phone. Praying for someone to post an interesting article I could read. No such luck so I looked at the clock just watching time pass.

By the time they called us back, I thought my bladder would explode. Brian then told the nurse he had to pee. He asked if he could go before we got started. The nurse said yes but told me I should've had him hold it out of solidarity. 

We walked back to the "special room". It's a sterile room where special procedures take place. My egg retrieval happened there. We wore special sterile attire. The hospital booties barely fit over Brian's shoes. I laid on the table, my knees slung over the leg holders and a drape hiding my lady parts that everyone had already seen a hundred times. 

The embryologist came in, and gave us the first picture we would ever see of Hartley. 5 days old. An embryo. He said, "hopefully that will be your very first baby picture, kids." Brian and I both teared up. 

It was time to get started. The speculum they use is big. It clicks as it opens you wider and wider, and when it stops clicking it locks into place with the turn of a couple screws. It does hurt. The doctor kept telling me to relax. "Relax. Don't lift you butt, keep it on the table. Relax. Good job." In my head I think I was muttering "fuckity fuck fuck ow". But it locked and I felt like I could finally breath and relax a little.

The doctor sent the nurse to tell the embryologist that I was ready. This is all done very quickly by the way. The embryologist basically runs out of the lab next door, and without any pause they empty a catheter filled with some fluid and little baby Hartley into my uterus. It was so beautiful. I held Brian's hand, and we both watched it happen on the screen. Amazing. Transferring human life into a person's womb. People think this is weird or science fiction shit. But it's really just incredibly amazing and beautiful.

They quickly take the catheter to the lab and inspect it to make sure the embryo is in fact gone.

They turn down the lights and let you lay a little while. Brian was still holding my hand and gave me a sweet kiss. There is a picture of a Parisian street stuck to the ceiling. So random but I remembered looking at the same picture as I drifted to sleep while they extracted eggs. 

I got dressed and we left the room. The doctors and nurses were chatting in the hallway, and they all wished us luck. 

I stared at the picture of Hartley the whole way home. Thinking all sorts of things. Is this our baby? Is it a boy or a girl? Should I tell people what we just did? I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. Instead, Brian and I talked about the baby non stop the whole way home. When we got home we took turns just staring at that picture. 

I got in to bed, where I stayed horizontal all day. Brian worked from home but came up every 30 minutes to check on me. He'd bring me snacks and drinks. I had magazines and tv and comfy sweatpants and was extraordinarily at peace. I felt like she had implanted. I felt all sorts of feelings in my uterus. 

I pretty much stayed in bed all weekend. At the time I wished I had told people so I could've had a visitor or two. But looking back, it was such an amazing weekend. My husband, my dog and I just laying low and hoping to grow our family. I only had to wait 8 days to learn we had.

When people conceive their babies the normal way, it is pretty amazing. But in hindsight, I can't imagine our moment being any more amazing than it was. After all, it was just two people, very much in love, making a baby - just different logistics :)

When you bring a baby into the world it's amazing. Even if it takes different logistics for different people. It's just a happy beginning no matter how it happens.

Today is also a special anniversary. A year ago today was our first meeting with the fertility clinic. I met the doctor who would literally make our baby and make our dreams a reality. What a truly incredible year. 

Hartley, in the words of the rascal flatts, "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

When the daughter becomes a mother.

So I debated writing this blog but I know the chances of my mom reading it are zero.

My entire adult life I've always noticed how tough it seemed to be for my mom to watch me grow up. I think some parents genuinely enjoy watching their children become adults and are overwhelmed with pride as their kids hit adult milestones. I'm not entirely sure that my mom is one of them.

I think she loves me; after all, she is my one and only mom. But I'll never forget my first "adult milestone" of getting married. I don't think she hated my choice of husband. But I think I was young, so in turn, she was a very young mother of the bride, and she might not have been completely ready for it. We shared the same hairdresser, and she told me my mom just felt robbed of me not living at home for the last five months of my engagement that led up to the wedding. 

I would go on to watch others marry and their moms would be overjoyed. I kind of felt robbed that I never really got that feeling from my mom. 

When Brian and I began trying to conceive, my mom was sometimes on board, sometimes not. By the time we got to the fertility clinic, she was on board. She had trouble talking to me about it. It was something she never fully understood because it was so vastly different from her experience. She would often talk about how a bitter infertile neighbor was awful to her because she found herself pregnant on accident... twice. She seemed to lump me in with this bitter woman that was seemingly awful to her, instead of showing empathy. It was tough going through infertility without always feeling like I had a mom to run to. But it also taught me a lot, and I learned more about the type of mother I wanted to become if I ever had a daughter.

When I got pregnant, her reaction wasn't sad, it wasn't particularly happy. It just kind of was what it was. And I knew that's how it would be because it's how my mom is. She had trouble watching us get excited and start to prepare because to her it was too early. I often thought she thought I was going to lose the baby, and it's why she wanted me to slow down with my excitement. And I cried whenever I voiced that out loud to Brian.

She will sporadically call the baby "her baby". Through time, I've concluded is is her coping mechanism. She's going to become a grandma just short of her 52nd birthday. I know that's young, so again it's hard for her. I used to feel so hurt. How did my mom not realize I fought like hell to have my own baby? How does she not know to a woman who needed IVF, it's hard as hell to hear the child I fought so hard for can't even be referred to as mine? But then I remember, as unfair as that if for me, she's having a tough time, too.

At a point, I have to let go of hoping my mom will change and love being a mom to an adult daughter with a baby on the way. I have to realize it's nothing I did wrong. And I can't make her feel and act a way that she doesn't want to.

I am blessed. I have a mother in law who seems always on a mission to help me enjoy is time of my life, and who showed a great deal of empathy during our infertility struggle. Our relationship hasn't always been perfect but somehow her being very maternal to me throughout treatment and pregnancy has really bonded us. And I'll be forever grateful that she and my sister in law are throwing me a fabulous baby shower. Their excitement makes me very happy.

But there is still a piece of me that wishes my mom would be okay with being a 52 year old grandma. That she could be proud of her daughter who didn't have the easiest go at becoming a parent. I hope she becomes one of those women who lovingly talks about how amazing becoming a grandparent is. But at the end of the day, I'm cautious to hold my breath. I'm scared I'll follow that pattern if Hartley decides to become a mom some day (aren't we all trying to avoid becoming our parents only to become more like them each day?).

I needed to write this. I can't change my mom. I can't always change my disappointment in her. But I can write this to remember how it feels. I can write it to hopefully revisit when Hart grows up. Time is brutal. But if I am lucky enough to watch my daughter grow into an adult and become a grandmother myself someday, I need to remember to cherish that time as much as her first steps or first words. Because isn't that what being a mother is? When there are no more bedtime stories to be read or homework help to be given, there's that everlasting lifelong unconditional love and commitment, right?

Loving pregnancy. Really?

So this is going to be in lieu of my 27 week post (27 weeks tomorrow!).

Tomorrow my goal is to not spend time goofing off on my computer. But today is my day of fun so I'm doing it!

Day of fun includes making myself pancakes for breakfast, taking the dogs for a walk with my friend Danielle then going out to lunch together, and tonight going to The Alamo to see Aliens with Brian, my brother and his girlfriend Caroline. Also crazy added bonus, was bumping in to my friend Jill who I had lost touch with over the past couple years! 

Oh and The Alamo? Way to go Ashburn. Not to hate on Ashburn, but I feel like this is the first time they did something spectacular. They just decided to put every other movie theatre in northern Virginia to shame. Boom, Tyson's, you now look like slumming it.

Oh, but what you want to know about is the title. Loving pregnancy. 

So get this, I'm 27 weeks. I'm big. I've got crazy stretch marks. But I FINALLY like pregnancy. I feel so at home in my new body. I am always hungry. Always game for stuffing my face. I haven't thrown up in well over a week. I sleep like you would not believe. I seriously sleep like I'm dead - just put a pillow between my legs and lay me on the bed and I'm done for. My only complaint is that I get a little light headed and dizzy from time to time. I've read that's very typical for this part of pregnancy because the uterus is now so big it's limiting blood flow from the heart to the legs. My simple solution is be lazy and lay around :)

I bought Hartley a couple sweet onesies off the sale rack at baby gap. They look perfect for some snuggling. Oh yes, the two weeks where Brian will be home with us - I've been daydreaming about that. Just hibernating for two weeks and snuggling as a new little family. No sleep but together. 

But I've also been savoring the last bit of couple time we have. Waking up next to my husband, snuggling up close to him and just laying in bed with no baby to tend to. Trail walks together. Baking together. Watching holiday movies together (Thanks, Hallmark channel!) 

Hard to believe later this month we celebrate SEVEN years together. Holy moly. You'd never guess it with the lovey dovey honeymoon vibe going on in our house lately. Our house hasn't had this vibe in quite a while. Maybe it was my husband watching doctors shove wands in my hoohah, getting the "have intercourse tonight" phone call from the nurses, showing us pictures of bloody polyps on my lady parts or a pregnant wife projectile vomiting but we weren't always in a snuggle up with each other mood. I think we both know in a few months the dynamic will never quite be the same so we need to live up our last bit of "just the two of us" time.

I think pregnancy has been on a crazy upswing lately. I know this isn't supposed to last much longer. I've heard the third trimester is the worst. But for this bit... As little or as long as it is... I'm going to enjoy this.

Oh and I'm going to eat! 3 months of crazy eating! Yesterday I even had a craving: ritz crackers with cream cheese and jalapeño jelly spread on top. Yum. Tonight I'm eating fried pickles. Poor Brian has to share with me... Hopefully I can be a good sharer :)

Getting the baptism ball rolling...

That's right, the decision has been made.

I first called the closest Catholic Church to us. It's in a very uppity area. They were.... errrr... as welcoming as a very conservative Catholic Church in a wealthy spot could be? But the lady was nice enough to give me the low down on other churches in the area. She told me about one about 15 minutes from us that has lots of young families and has a more relaxed feel. So I decided to have Brian and I go to mass to try it out last Sunday.

I really liked it. It was very welcoming. They even had an altar girl (1st time I've seen that in a catholic church!) and laminated "follow along with mass" guide in the pews. The homily was great; it was very digestible and a wonderful message about not judging. 

I met with a woman from the church today, and we sat and talked for about an hour. She talked to me about having our marriage validated by the church. She talked to me about having Hartley baptized. She talked to me about the young mother's group; they do moms night out, play groups and bible study. She introduced me to the person who organizes the young adult activities. She was a very sweet lady who put me at ease and was genuinely thrilled to be welcoming us to her church.

So Brian and I are officially members. We are registered for baptism class next Thursday. And I'm hoping the community feel she advertised so well will be a great way of meeting some  young moms with babies in the area.

I was so nervous about this whole thing. I haven't regularly attended church in 10 years! Obviously, we didn't get married in a church. I felt like I was going to walk in the church with my six month belly asking to baptize my baby, and they would laugh in my face. 

Instead they told us all our options. If Brian wanted to complete his sacraments, they would welcome him to but would not pressure him to. They told me I was welcome to come to their "welcome back Catholics" class if I wanted but again, no pressure. They said because neither of us have been divorced and we have been married for a while, that having our marriage validated would be "easy". I need to set up a meeting with the priest, and we'll be required to show our marriage license and baptism certificates and fill out paperwork. Then we'll set something up to actually be married. Kind of funny. Apparently people do this though and they'll even schedule their church ceremony on their wedding anniversary to remember both.

Miss Hartley's baptism sounds like a piece of cake - only 1 class! We need to discuss godparents. One has to be a practicing Catholic. The other could just be a good Christian but needs to be the opposite gender of the Catholic godparent. 

Feels so strange to me that I'm doing all this. I'm going to be the mom dragging her kid to church instead of the kid being dragged! Before I left for the meeting, I looked at myself in the mirror thinking I looked like a girl who got herself in to a little trouble (then shoved my wedding ring on to my fat ass finger... snug as can be). Now I'm reading my church bulletin and looking at baptismal gowns for my daughter, feeling so grown up. And kind of wondering how that happened. 

Technically the last day of the 2nd trimester.

So I'm counting the 27 week mark (Thursday) as the first day of the third trimester. But if you're a math geek and can figure out how to divide 40 weeks into thirds, you might call tomorrow (26 weeks, 5 days) the beginning of the third trimester.

It has gone so fast; it's truly scary. I feel like I'll blink and be in labor and blink and she'll be graduating. 

People told us, "now that you're pregnant, you'll see how long the 9 month wait is." We'll, we're not at 9 months yet but 6 months flew. Trying to conceive dragged. We didn't know if we'd have a 2011 baby or never get one at all. Once I had that February 2014 to look forward to, everything went crazy fast. 

And little things happen these days that just make it hit me even more. Seeing my baby shower invitation. Watching gifts be purchased off the registry and visitors sign the virtual guest book. I met my friends' gorgeous 6 day old daughter yesterday and when I held her I couldn't stop thinking that I'd be holding my own daughter in only a few months. I've never held a new baby knowing that I'd be getting one!

I had Brian take a fall, 6 month bump picture of me. Every month from here out gets a picture. And we're incorporating my belly in our Christmas card photo. 

Some outfits I think I look huge; some outfits I feel like I still just have a beer gut look. Today's scale reading said I'm up 6 pounds but I feel like its got to be more than that! I've been eating... And eating.

Brian and I were at Target and he just started scooping all these sweet baby girl clothes off the clearance rack. I thought that would be me, and Brian would be dragging his feet. But here's my manly husband surrounded by purple leggings and pink polka dot onesies, just going to town picking out things for Hartley. It completely fills every corner of my heart with love for him and our growing little girl. 

He still hasn't gotten to feel her kick :( It makes me a little sad because here's my guy, reading baby books, regurgitating the facts he's learning, and picking out baby girl clothes, and in true crane style, he has to wait longer than other men. Come on, Miss Hart! Your dad is watching dads and their daughters when we're out for walks and idealizing all the activities you two are going to do together, and you're holding out! 

Brian was watching his friend Colin hold his little girl on Sunday. He said he was watching to learn the best way to hold the baby. He talked about how he loved watching the baby's face, how her expressions were so sweet. He's morphing into a dad.

I'm morphing into a mom but also getting nervous for labor. Getting nervous for what happens to your body afterward and keeping Hartley alive! But I'll soak in the holidays and the baby shower, and worry about that stuff in January :)

The baby is about 80-90% viable (but like I always say, we're not trying out that statistic). Now girlie's organs need to keep maturing and starting to get a little practice. She needs to pack on those pounds. But she's only 10 weeks and 3 days from being full term! Wowza. 

Bring it in third tri! I've heard you're a beast but I'm ready for you!