Looking at the clock I thought "4 hours until I call the doctor".
Brian just slept away. He actually sleeps when he's stressed out so he fell asleep yesterday at 7 pm as I was sitting on the couch crying. I debated for a while if there was anyone I could talk to that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I have a lot of well meaning people in my life who usually just make me feel worse.
I decided to call my mom. I got through about my first sentence before I just bawled like a baby. She stayed very calm but let me know I was justified in being concerned. A brain anomaly is concerning. She pushed me to go out and get answers from my doctor. She said she'd go with me to be an extra set of ears. We talked a while and when I hung up I genuinely felt better. She called me back an hour later to tell me two things. She said she thought the baby looks so perfect on her ultrasound photos that she didn't look like she could possibly have a problem. And she told me no matter what happens, not to blame myself.
It's weird how even if you don't always know it, your mom knows you so well. How she knows that I had sat around all day beating myself up about my infection is beyond me. When I learned that infections cause this to happen, all I could think about was the bacterial infection I had between last ultrasound and this ultrasound. If I found out an infection caused this, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I talked to my friend Kasie who knows about all this stuff. She even contacted a genetic counselor friend of hers to give some insight. And I talked to my amazing friend Sabrina. Who is one of the rare people who has that gift of always saying the right things at the right time.
At 5 o'clock, I decided to sit and watch the clock. I decided to worry and to cry. (Side note: if people tell you to shut off worry like it's a light switch, make sure you don't use them as a source of comfort. I actually find the biggest worriers tend to use the "don't worry/it'll all be ok" line on others even though they are the worst ones. Worrying about this stuff is normal, so worry I will. Yoda style.)
I eventually fell back asleep. I woke up at 8:30 and watched until the clock hit 9:02 to call the doctor. I was armed with a list of questions. But the nurse told me that they can't talk to me about it until the radiologist reviews it. She said she'd call the radiologist to get a preliminary report and get back to me as soon as possible. I hope they call. Going in to a 4 day holiday weekend not knowing sounds like a fucking nightmare. Let me tell you I have already decided tomorrow will go down in the books as my least favorite Thanksgiving of all time.
I've decided I can likely fly under the radar at my in laws. I'm not one of the big talkers anyway and there will be enough people that I can get away with eating quietly. At my family's it will be such a small group that it should be easy. Plus, I don't remotely mind crying in front of them if tears accidentally slip out. Let me tell you, pregnancy hormones, first time mom status, plus upsetting news = tears like you would not believe.
Today my mom is coming to be with me. Which is really very nice of her. I didn't ask. She texted me this morning that she'd be over in two hours. Instead of fighting it and pretending I was ok, I decided maybe I should just let someone help me. She offered to go out and buy ingredients for my sweet potato dish, which B and I did yesterday. She offered to take me to get my nails done.
Brian yesterday spouted off all this "you're such a strong woman" stuff. The toughest he knows. But sometimes I just want people to let me be the imperfect person I am. The woman who breaks down temporarily. I'm not a robot. I'm not a martyr. I'm a soon to be mom worried about my little girl. And I'm not trying to be anything else.
On a positive note. Baby girl stuck her face right into the 3D ultrasound thingy. Guess who she looks Iike? That's right, yours truly. The tech raved about how gorgeous she is. Meanwhile I was thinking, "that girl has mama's lips and nose". Brian noticed on the pictures I brought home. Incredible.
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