Still Waiting. Last post until I have news.

After today, I'll take a little break from blogging. I love writing about my feelings but I'll try to keep them in check on my own until the day we get results. Then I'll blog away - either way.

As the transfer continues to get closer (let me tell ya - this IVF stuff is full of preparation for every part), my doubts begin to creep in.

I thought about it all as I drove home from work yesterday. I thought about how if it doesn't work, I'm going to break. Then I thought, look at how many times I said I was breaking when in fact I just kept getting stronger and pushing on even harder than before. I've drawn so many imaginary lines I said I couldn't cross but then when it came down to it, I made that imaginary line my bitch.

I told God not to make me do IVF because I wasn't strong enough. And here I am, almost completely done a full round - bruised (literally...) but even not close to broken.

I told Brian the other day how it is absolutely incredible that there are days where I just feel like I can't keep going. Those are the days it feels like I keep trying to climb a mountain and someone keeps kicking me down. I decide I've had enough failure, I can't take any more, and I'm going to quit. Then this extreme desire to be a mother just overcomes me, and I decide there's not a damn thing that will stop me.

Baby Crane, you are not even baking yet. You're sitting in a freezer in Arlington. I've never seen you even as a little bean on a sonogram. I've never heard the words "you're pregnant" from the doctor's mouth.  All the mothers I know around me can look into their children's eyes and tell them there's nothing they wouldn't do for them. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I don't know anyone who worked harder to bring a child into their life than I have. Just know that I'm trying my very best, and I'll always try my very best with you. And you, your dad, Winnie and I are gonna have one hell of a party when you get here.

In a few weeks, I'll know whether or not this has worked. Until then, there will likely be the sound of crickets when you visit my blog...

Medications for an FET

I'm so tired of taking all sorts of medications. And I'm also just plain tired.

Today's Regimen:

1 Progesterone in Oil injection in the morning (given by Brian)
Estrace pills - 3 times a day
1 baby aspirin
1 pre natal vitamin
1 daily dose from my Z-pack
1 progesterone suppository before bed

The progesterone in oil shot seemed to make me dizzy for about 5 hours. It has also made me incredibly tired. The Estrace is giving me major hot flashes and moodiness. The z pack makes me feel queasy. The progesterone suppository makes me sleepy. And the baby aspirin regimen makes me bruise like a peach and any time I cut myself shaving it takes 15 minutes to clot.

Hilarious because I unknowingly thought the FET cycle was a break from medication.

We are still awaiting transfer. It's possible some of these dosages will be increased post transfer.

The last few days it's started to occur to me this cycle might not work. Trying not to go there often but it's natural as things get closer to adjust to that thought.

I am so tired of medicine. After all is said and done, and I've given birth to a healthy baby, I'm done with taking all this crap. Truly, I'm going to try to convert to a healthier, more natural way of life.

Here's a list of what I've taken over the past 6 months:

- Clomid
- HCG trigger shots
- Progesterone suppositories
- birth control pills
- Z-packs
- Tylenol with Codeine
- Vicodin
- Keflex
- Gonal F injections
- Menopur injections
- Ganerelix injections
- A Lupron trigger
- Pre-Natal Vitamins
- Baby Aspirin Regimen
- Estrace
- Progesterone in Oil injections

I'm relieved to have been pretty busy lately so all this fertility stuff has been somewhere way deep in the back of my mind but I don't think about it as often as I used to. Brian told me he thinks about it every day. We still have several weeks before we get any big news so maybe it just hasn't hit me yet...

Mother's Day

Ironically enough, I celebrated my six month anniversary of being at the fertility clinic on Mother's Day. The most challenging half year in my entire life, and it was marked by a day where we celebrate what I can't do on my own.

I'm not down on Mother's Day. I have an extraordinary mother, and she deserves to have a day completely dedicated to my siblings and I recognizing that.

But let me tell you, a fertility clinic on Mother's Day morning is a sad place to be. I looked around at all the other women in the waiting room and felt sorry for all of us all at once. On a day where everyone celebrates all those who've bore children, I silently celebrated that little group of us spending our morning at a fertility clinic desperately trying to.

And I also celebrated my own mother.

I could write a million blogs my whole life about how much I appreciate my own mother. I'm almost certain I'll never be anywhere close to the mother she's been to me, my brother and sister. The woman is the closest thing to superwoman that I've ever seen. By the time she was 25, she had 3 kids under the age of 2, and she rose to the occasion. She was a girl scout leader, a room mom, a Hands On Science leader, a field trip chaperone, a chauffeur in every carpool, a party planner. She'd buy us ridiculously cute matching outfits, documented every ounce of our childhood, took us on her own field trips, and made sure we went on an annual family vacation. The woman stenciled bears on our bedroom walls and made pinatas for our birthdays. She stayed up with us all night when we were sick. She packed our lunches and did our laundry. She always cooked us delicious dinner but would let us splurge and order pizza when we had our friends sleepover. She's been the kind of mom that I'll strive to be.

At the start of my fertility treatments, it seemed hard for my mom to talk to me about my infertility. It is a foreign concept to her as she never dealt with it herself. And it was hard for me because it was the first time she couldn't fix something for me. That no matter what she would say, it didn't always make me feel better and it didn't magically fix things.

But we hit a point sometime where that changed, and she became one of the best people to talk to. She told me it wasn't my fault. She said would support if we adopted. She would support whenever I decided to stop trying. She doesn't try to belittle or sugarcoat the hell out of things like other people sometimes do. My family did our Easter Egg Hunt the day after my polyp removal surgery. Yeah, the woman still does egg hunts for us. And my mom ran around the backyard hunting eggs for me like her life depended on it - since I couldn't run myself.

Motherhood just comes naturally to my own mom. I feel like I got that trait from her, despite my not being a mother. I think all the effort my mom put in to raising me has allowed to become the person I am today. I think without her making me play the Pollyanna game when I was little, I would've given up on having a baby a long time ago.

So thank you to my awesome mother. And thank you to all the doctors and nurses who continue to work very hard on helping me become one, too.

Waiting to Transfer

I have a nice little break from doctor's appointments. I went last Sunday and don't have to go again until this upcoming Sunday. 6 days of no doctor's appointments is sweet!

I found out on Monday that we have 8 little embryos just hanging out in the freezer. One of those sweeties is going to be transferred in several weeks. We know the exact date of the transfer but have decided to keep it quiet.

I didn't want people to ask me whether or not I'm pregnant the day I find out. Or ask me throughout the waiting period if I'm excited or anxious or give me a countdown.

I actually want to get my positive test result and just hold my husband. And enjoy our secret for a day or two. We'll have one little moment of the creation of our baby that was just ours.

Brian and I are both positive this is the cycle.

I seriously almost bought the boon grass drying rack at Target the other day. I'm terrified they'll stop making it by the time I'm stocking up on baby goods! I have the same feelings towards the Baby Gap Peter Rabbit collection. I am on a total bunny kick. Nursery will most likely be neutral colors with a bunny rabbit theme - found the cutest gender neutral bunny bedding at Pottery Barn Kids. Since it works for a boy or girl we could reuse it for future baby cranes to come.

Yeah, I'm obviously pretty positive this is the cycle.

And good Lord, it'll take every ounce of me not to buy all things baby before my shower. I've got the itch to buy this kiddo some seriously awesome baby stuff.

I've got to watch that. I've read women who undergo infertility treatment have the tendency to spoil their kids because they view them as these huge gifts. But you really can't spoil a baby so I think my fabulous nursery and baby wardrobe are okay.

Until we get the yes or no in mid June, I'm going to daydream of all these fun parts of pregnancy and having a little babe!

The Thing That People Ask Me Most

The question I most often get from people when I give them an "IVF update" is "Wow! Aren't you so excited?"

It's a question that always makes me cringe.

It's meant of out genuine enthusiasm and excitement on the end of the person posing the question.

But I really don't like being asked it because I don't have a good answer.

I usually lie and say that I'm so excited. I've realized throughout fertility treatment what a good liar I am. I generally lie to most people about how I'm feeling to comfort them - the exceptions being when I talk to Brian or to my mom. It's too hard to hide it from Brian and my mom.

The truth is I'm more exhausted than excited. I know no one wants to hear that. I am so incredibly tired of medications and doctor's appointments and testing and procedures and blood draws. The emotional toll this takes on a person is extreme to say the least. The physical is starting to really catch up with me, too.

This is my blog so I can get TMI. The past six weeks I've had maybe two days where I didn't have to wear a maxi pad. I have taken some sort of medication every day. In fact, as of yesterday, I've started more hormones - twice daily Estrace tablets. My boobs hurt every single day, to the point where I usually don't let Brian touch them, and if he does, it hurts like hell. I'm too afraid to try on my skinny jeans; I can't seem to get rid of constant PMS bloat (though I am currently on my period so right now I guess that's ok?) I'm always terrified to have sex - it could either be a time where we're not allowed to or my body is recovering from something. Mainly, I am just plain exhausted - no matter how much I rest. And it's really annoying.

I'm 6 days away from my 6 month anniversary of starting with the fertility clinic. My last count was 32 appointments with them and that was weeks ago so I'm sure we've hit 40 appointments. Those 6 months did not fly by for me. Though if you ask me, I'll lie to you and say they did.

People can't get why I'm not constantly excited. And sometimes I feel really guilty not constantly being excited.

I'm genuinely excited sometimes. I have days where I brainstorm nursery ideas and baby registry must haves. I read the things I should have ready for my first days home from the hospital and different moms' tips and tricks for caring for their babies.

Then I have other days where I see a cute baby in Target, and I go home and cry my eyes out because I don't have one, and I can't get pregnant. I have days where I feel the darkest emotions I've ever felt - actual, true despair. Sometimes I feel like pregnant friends and friends with children feel weird around me. It's those moments/hours/days where I'm not excited. I feel uncomfortable in my own body and an overwhelming sense helplessness.

I'm so glad I don't have any friends or family members who have had to go through what I've been through. And I don't wish it upon anyone. But sometimes I wish people could embrace the times when I'm not excited and treat that as a valid response to the crazy roller coaster I ride.

32 eggs = 17 fertilized eggs.

Ah-mazing.

So of the 32 eggs retrieved, 17 were fertilized. That is a good ratio. The average is about 50% of retrieved eggs will fertilize. Way to go, Brian's swimmers!

On average 50% of fertilized eggs will grow to the blastocyst/embryo stage.

So we're realistically expecting 8 embryos, which would be great. Our more lofty goal would be 9 or 10 embryos.

We'll find out on Sunday how many embabies (oh, fertility lingo) we got, and then the teeny cranelings will enter freezerville until transfer time.

My body seems to be recovering fairly well. I get winded easily and twisting and bending make me remember my ovaries are pissed off. But I'm not in pain and my bloated belly is getting a little smaller.

I'm VERY emotional. Way more emotional than I thought I'd be.

I feel very selfish saying this but there's a small part of me that's sad that my baby is starting to grow in a petri dish instead of inside of me. I cringe even typing that because I am insanely grateful for how well things are going.

It's absolutely incredible that my baby is growing over in Arlington, and I want it to be closer. It's an odd innate instinct to want to be the one keeping my baby safe. I know he or she is in great hands; they're probably doing more for baby crane than my body could on it's own.

Baby crane, I know you're one of the 17. Keep growing... and growing. Won't be long before you're safe and sound in casa de mama :)