The Thing That People Ask Me Most

The question I most often get from people when I give them an "IVF update" is "Wow! Aren't you so excited?"

It's a question that always makes me cringe.

It's meant of out genuine enthusiasm and excitement on the end of the person posing the question.

But I really don't like being asked it because I don't have a good answer.

I usually lie and say that I'm so excited. I've realized throughout fertility treatment what a good liar I am. I generally lie to most people about how I'm feeling to comfort them - the exceptions being when I talk to Brian or to my mom. It's too hard to hide it from Brian and my mom.

The truth is I'm more exhausted than excited. I know no one wants to hear that. I am so incredibly tired of medications and doctor's appointments and testing and procedures and blood draws. The emotional toll this takes on a person is extreme to say the least. The physical is starting to really catch up with me, too.

This is my blog so I can get TMI. The past six weeks I've had maybe two days where I didn't have to wear a maxi pad. I have taken some sort of medication every day. In fact, as of yesterday, I've started more hormones - twice daily Estrace tablets. My boobs hurt every single day, to the point where I usually don't let Brian touch them, and if he does, it hurts like hell. I'm too afraid to try on my skinny jeans; I can't seem to get rid of constant PMS bloat (though I am currently on my period so right now I guess that's ok?) I'm always terrified to have sex - it could either be a time where we're not allowed to or my body is recovering from something. Mainly, I am just plain exhausted - no matter how much I rest. And it's really annoying.

I'm 6 days away from my 6 month anniversary of starting with the fertility clinic. My last count was 32 appointments with them and that was weeks ago so I'm sure we've hit 40 appointments. Those 6 months did not fly by for me. Though if you ask me, I'll lie to you and say they did.

People can't get why I'm not constantly excited. And sometimes I feel really guilty not constantly being excited.

I'm genuinely excited sometimes. I have days where I brainstorm nursery ideas and baby registry must haves. I read the things I should have ready for my first days home from the hospital and different moms' tips and tricks for caring for their babies.

Then I have other days where I see a cute baby in Target, and I go home and cry my eyes out because I don't have one, and I can't get pregnant. I have days where I feel the darkest emotions I've ever felt - actual, true despair. Sometimes I feel like pregnant friends and friends with children feel weird around me. It's those moments/hours/days where I'm not excited. I feel uncomfortable in my own body and an overwhelming sense helplessness.

I'm so glad I don't have any friends or family members who have had to go through what I've been through. And I don't wish it upon anyone. But sometimes I wish people could embrace the times when I'm not excited and treat that as a valid response to the crazy roller coaster I ride.