July 31st

These are soft animals like I describe, more soothing than in your face. These are the sweet things I bought from
 Dawn Price Baby in Reston Town Center.

The first cloth dipes to our stash. They accidentally sent us a Bum Genius One Size 4.0, and it seems like the coolest diaper on the planet. This will be a lot of work but they seem so comfy for a baby's bottom.

These are a couple of the baby's first outfits. The ducky outfit is from my friend, Johanna, and the elephant onesie is from my friend, Erin. 

The crib all boxed up in the nursery. Soon I'll find a picture of this baby to share. It's my all time favorite crib out there!

Now, I put a few pictures of baby things on here since this blog only loosely relates to the baby today.

Today, July 31st, is a very special day to me.

First and foremost, it is Winnie's FOURTH birthday. Winnie is the sweetest dogter in the world. I'm not sure if she's going to love sharing the attention with a baby but I have a feeling she's going to be a great big sister.

For people who say pets are not people's children, shame on them. Brian and I got Winnie exactly 3 weeks after we got married. We'd had enough of married life as just the two of us and wanted a fur baby. We got her when she was 8 weeks old and not even weighing in at 3 pounds yet. She was sweet and playful but helpless as puppy's are.

I felt guilty that we'd snatched this tiny thing away from her siblings and her mama. So I decided to be the best dog mom I could be. It's much like having a baby, you watch their pee and poop patterns, make sure they don't put weird stuff in their mouth, and try desperately to let them know how loved they are. When she's sad, my heart breaks a little. And when she's happy, I'm happy. I know a baby will be harder because they have more immediate and constant needs than a dog but if I feel all the love for the baby that I do for my dog, I know I will rock motherhood.

Can't believe my baby is 4!! Happy 4th Birthday, Winnie Bear!

Today is also special because it marks the 1 year anniversary of us living in our home.

It's so hard to believe that a little over a year ago, we walked through here for the first time. While the place wasn't exactly a dump, it wasn't much to look at. But Brian and I both knew it was exactly right for us. It was a big, fat diamond in the rough. (My dad knew it to - based on the amazing location and his incredible handyman ability.)

We also new it would be the PERFECT place to start a family. The walking/jogging trails, the playgrounds, the pools, the sports fields, and the large number of small children = the perfect place for a kid. Reston Town Center does concerts and food festivals, and there's all these little kiddos just living it up.

And even though we've only been here a year, one of the most amazing days of my life took place in this house. I peed on the pregnancy test in the guest bathroom and watched that pink line appear. Brian parked his car in his spot and ran up our walkway to see the test. And in our remodeled kitchen, we clung to each other crying happy tears, both knowing that our lives had just completely changed. And I know the day we move from here, they'll be prying me out of that kitchen with the jaws of life because that's a place that will be so hard to leave behind.

Adios, Morning Sickness! Thank you, Zofran!

I had mentioned my morning sickness on here before. I had actually written a few blog entries on it but never had the nerve to publish them.

Let's rewind. While we were doing IVF, and I was loading my body up on all sorts of artificial crap, I talked to Brian about how I couldn't wait to be done with living life that way. After I was cleared to go off my medications, I was going to buy natural household cleaners and hygiene products and go to the farmer's market for my produce. And I would OF COURSE I'd go medication free during my pregnancy.

Fast forward from that to a woman who couldn't keep a meal down to save her life. I certainly wasn't eating fruits and vegetables. I was proud of myself for eating popsicles, chicken noodle soup from a can and saltines. They would always come back up but they were the easiest to take in. Whenever I'd eat in front of people, I'd eat as slowly as possible to avoid the embarrassment of running straight to the bathroom afterwards.

It wasn't just throwing up though. It was staying in bed for literally days at a time. I was crying because I felt weak, nauseous, exhausted, and on top of that, guilty that my baby might not be getting what it needed from me. I noticed myself praying for the day to fly by so I could go to sleep because it was the only time I didn't feel miserable.

But I wasn't going to cave and get medicine. Well, thank goodness a couple people convinced me it might be time to call my doctor and at least ask about my options.

When I called I told the nurse exactly what I was experiencing. No exaggeration - just how exactly the past few weeks had gone. And if anyone doesn't believe me, just ask Brian aka Mr.Holds My Hair Back While I Puke and Cleans Out My Barf Bucket.

I told her, "I don't think it's severe because my vomiting is not violent, nor is it in horribly huge amounts". But apparently at 12 weeks, I shouldn't be throwing up after every meal. My pee should not be the color of apple cider vinegar, which is a sign of dehydration (even though I drink at least 10 glasses of water a day). They prescribed me Zofran and a carbohydrate diet. They recommended a sea sickness wrist band, too.

I left my house for the first time in days to pick up my medicine. Ah, sweet sunlight and fresh air - I had missed those so much. I popped the first tablet as soon as I got home, and 30 minutes later, I was already feeling better. I felt well all last night. I took a tablet before breakfast this morning, and my anxiety about eating went away. I walked into my kitchen without throwing up. I ate without tasting soury stomach acid in my mouth immediately afterward. I took Winnie for a walk which felt so incredibly good. I felt some nastiness creep in a few minutes ago and just popped a second tablet.

I feel like a new woman. I no longer detest pregnancy! Thank you, sweet Zofran.

I'm sure some women think it's weak or wrong to take medicine like this while pregnant but those women can hug a toilet for me. I prefer my ability to function over the pride of saying I toughed it out in bed for months.

Survey time!

How far along? 12 weeks, 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs - holding strong at my pre-pregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? Nope. I just wear yoga pants and summer dresses.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping wonderfully. I probably sleep 10 hours a night on average.
Best moment this week: Announcing my pregnancy on Facebook! Ordering our gender reveal invites.
Miss Anything? I miss feeling well, having energy and my old appetite! 
Movement: Not yet. Placenta is in the front so I shouldn't feel much until later in the game.
Food cravings: None. But I love water, ice, fruit juice, and popsicles.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Almost everything, except popsicles.
Have you started to show yet: I think I'm showing but just a little.

Gender: Don't know yet! My guess is boy.
Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On 

Happy or Moody most of the time:Moody :(

Looking forward to: The official end of the first trimester in 5 days. Our gender reveal party in September. Shopping for baby once we know the gender. And ditching the queasy/sick part of pregnancy!

I desperately need to take a bump picture. If you're wondering what is so tough about taking a silly picture - it's more of the getting dressed and putting on a little make up part. 

My "morning sickness" is keeping me in bed almost all the time, and it's actually getting really depressing. I see my doctor in a week, and if this continues I'm going to ask if there's medication for this. I don't think my morning sickness is quite "severe". 1% of women have severe morning sickness, and it's defined by violent vomiting that leads to dehydration. While I am vomiting after each meal, it is usually a small amount. I am very careful to drink enough water. It's hard for me to eat though so my body is in a very weak/achey state. I'd compare it to a mild version of a stomach flu.

I desperately want to be done with this part so I can return to a more normal version of my life.

I also notice I'm very emotional. Brian wanted to run out and buy a dresser for the nursery this weekend, and I couldn't do it. And I cried about it. I cried about the nursery needing to be perfect. Oh the crying!

On a happy note, we bought the crib and the first few cloth diapers to start our stash! I'm so excited for these goodies to arrive in the next few days. We also ordered our gender reveal invites, and I'm going to review the proof today! Thank goodness for the wonderful world of online shopping; even though I can't indulge in a delicious pregnancy craving, I can indulge in a shopping craving.

Goal for the next blog: incorporating pictures!

12ish Weeks.

So according to the doctors I am 12 weeks, 2 days. I don't know why I think I'm a little behind that but I do. Maybe it's just my usual denial.

I totally need to find a cute survey format and will post a 12 week version of said format this weekend. Brian is also all about my finally taking a bump pic so I'll (hopefully) do that too.

Today's goal is for me to crawl out of my hole aka my bedroom and live a day almost like I did before I was pregnant. Brian and I are hosting dinner for 6 of our friends, and this means I will have to face the dreaded smells of my kitchen. My kitchen is relatively clean, and I did a deep clean of it a couple weeks ago so it really should not smell. However, before I was pregnant I could smell whatever I had cooked in my kitchen for weeks. Granite is actually a little porous and my sense of smell is so good I can smell what people cooked last if they have granite countertops. Now that I'm pregnant, any time I walk in to my kitchen, I throw up in to the sink.

I'm going to try to find a natural, lemon-scented counter cleaner (specifically looking for the Mrs.Meyer's brand) to use on my countertops and perhaps a lemon scented candle. A friend of mine told me the scent of lemon is supposed to help morning sickness. And at this point, I am desperate and would love to be able to walk freely in to my kitchen.

My morning sickness holds very strong. I thought I had gained a pound but in weighing myself today I lost my sole pregnancy pound I had gained. I'm happy in these 12 weeks that I have not lost weight due to the morning sickness. My doctor's goal for me was not to lose weight during this time, and it's definitely the first time in my life where I feel like I have to work not to lose weight.

The constant sickness seems to make my exhaustion worse, and it's been hard to leave bed most of the time. Yesterday I was kind of depressed about it so Brian did an amazing husband thing.

My husband who is not at all a fan of shopping/buying things, actually wanted us to do a little online retail therapy from the comfort of our bed. He bought the crib I have been eyeing for forever (gender neutral) and some cloth diapers. He let me mull over the cloth diaper colors like the insane person I am. My kid is just going to poop in it but lord knows it has to be a cute cantaloupe or a sweet mint color. I even got a kelly green for a good St.Patrick's Day dipe. This actually worked in cheering me up. Amazing how buying baby things can ease an upset stomach.

Then I settled into my snoogle and have been in bed ever since! Well, this blog was an excuse to stay in bed but now that's over with, and I need to get my butt up and do stuff.

Once things get delivered I'll update with pictures of my purchases, and my goal is to find a survey I like so I can tell people things they probably don't care to know :)

Happy Saturday!

A Letter to my Baby

Baby Crane,

Some day, when you're old enough to understand, I'm going to explain to you how you were made. I'll tell you how you are so special because people prayed for you before you existed. They crossed their fingers, and they helped support your mom and dad in bringing you in to this world.

I knew you earlier than most mothers get to know their children. I knew you when you were 1 of 32 eggs, 1 of 17 fertilized eggs, and lastly, 1 of 8 little embryos. I knew in my heart you would be in that group of 8. For your first 5 days of existence, you grew in a lab, miles and miles away from me. And I desperately wished you were inside of me so I could keep safe.

On May 24, 2013, I got my very first picture of you. You were a beautiful little collection of cells. The embryologist picked you because you looked the healthiest and the strongest. I got to see you well before most mothers see their baby for the first time.

Then I saw you when you were 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 10 weeks and now, today, at 12 weeks.

You have grown by leaps and bounds.

You have little hands and little feet. You apparently love to pose in a thinkers pose. And even though I don't feel you move yet, I've seen you dance like a crazy person in there.

Today your grandma and grandpa got to see you move and shake in real time for the first time. And let me tell ya, I have a feeling you'll be one spoiled little grand baby.

The thing I hoped most for you in the world was to be healthy. And today, from our little appointment, it sounds like you will be.

You have been making mama feel nice and sick. It doesn't surprise me. You had to come on your own time, in your own special way. And I have a feeling you're just making your sassy little presence known.

Your dad and I continue to love you very much.

Keep growing. And growing. And feeling all the love so many have for you.

Love,

Your landlord and Mama

Mom TV & the Holidays

So normally when I think of "mom TV" I think of the Today Show and Ellen. I'm not hating on either of these; in fact, I do love me some Today Show and some awesome Ellen dancing.

But my mom shows are a little more literal: Dance Moms and Pretty Wicked Moms. I don't even know moms who watch these shows, other than my aunt who introduced me to Dance Moms. I shouldn't even admit it but those seem like really fun moms. Moms who can have a glass or two of wine at a play date and can leave their kids with their husbands for girls' nights seem like my speed. While I never wish time away, there's a part of me that thinks it'll be fun when baby crane hits the 2 or 3 year old mark because it'll be easier to cut the strings and leave him or her with a non-family member babysitter. Yay for lots of winery dates, grown up double dates and girls nights, circa 2016!

Speaking of wishing time away, Pretty Wicked Moms was a holiday episode last night. Holy Christmas, Batman! I am so excited for fall and winter.

It's our last holiday season as a family of 2 humans and a puppy. This will be the 5th one we rock as a married couple and puppy parents. As excited as I am to add our next member, I want to make sure I treasure this Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't know if it'll be easy to host the holiday parties we usually host after the baby, and yes, I have already thought about that.  And it will be the last holiday of romantic couple magic. Next year will be magical as well but family magical.

I have already thought about baby Crane's first Christmas. In fact, last Christmas I browsed outfits and photo ideas. Brian and I already asked his mom if we could have their copy of "A Night Before Christmas" so the baby can have the copy we grew up with. I know my mom won't part with hers. Just in case Bunty can't find hers, I've already tracked down the book on Amazon.

And even in my getting ahead of myself, I'm getting even more ahead of myself. Good lord, baby Crane's first Halloween. Coordinating puppy and baby costumes are my goal. And I seriously can not wait until I deem my little crane old enough to eat some candy corn and watch Hocus Pocus. No pumpkin beer this year for mama though. I'll probably be doing some pump and dump next October because I'll have some catching up to do.

Oh baby Crane, you have no idea the life that is in store for you. You will be one holiday decorated baby and child... and probably adult, too. I can't wait to make all of your holidays and birthdays super special.

I've been feeling so sick lately and in need of cheering up. I actually asked my mom to come over and bake cookies with me. She's a champion Christmas cookie baker... I mean, hands down my mom's cookies will kick your mom's cookies ass any day of the week. I hope my kiddo thinks I'm a champion with my holiday style. Guess I should learn how to make some badass snowball and wreath cookies before the little one arrives... add that to my big long list of things to do...

And by the way, look at me just blogging up a storm! And even if this one is just an excuse to day dream about holidays, I'm doing it. Tomorrow I have my NT scan. Fingers crossed for good findings. Both of my parents are coming to see the baby. Will update soon!

Time to Start Planning the Nursery

baby Crane's goodies in his or her closet

the future nursery

"white mint" for a mint nursery

"mountain air" or one of these bad boys for a blue grey nursery

random beiges for a neutral nursery

Oh hey, a blog with pictures! I hate putting pictures on blogger. Royal pain in the ass. But anytime I put pictures in you know it's something I care about.

Now, if you read yesterday's blog you thought, "why are nursery decisions a dilemma?"

Two background points to answer your very relevant question:

1. I am that girl who takes an hour to pick out her pedicure color; I act like I'm making the world's most life altering decision. I do the same thing with menus when I go to restaurants I don't frequent. Brian thinks it's hilarious... and annoying.

2. There was a time when Brian and I thought we might have zero kids. So I always decided if I could just have the one, it would likely be the only one, and I'd go all out on making everything as perfect as humanly possible. And Brian got a taste for that when we took months to find the perfect chalkboard for bump updates.

Now, the first picture you see is some goodies the baby already has. There's something in that picture you've seen before if you read my blog: the bunny. When I was busting my hump to get the bump, I fell in love with a beige-walled, very whimsical bunny nursery. I have since tossed out the idea of a theme. The more I look at themed nurseries, the more I notice a cheesy quality that seems really though to avoid. So, no matter the color, the more-or-less theme will be soft animals. The kind that make you think sleep: bunnies, puppies, bears, sheep, etc. And no matter the colors of the walls, I'm adding a few pops of color to define gender: pink for girl, blue for boy. If we do blueish walls, however, the boy's accents will likely be green.

The next picture is the lovely "before" nursery. Now, it's nothing fancy BUT this room is very special to us. I asked Brian if we should swap the guest room with the nursery, and he said, "no way, no how." When we moved in to our home, I left this room purposely empty. A client of mine told me a proverb: you make room in your life for the things you desire, and they will come true. Kind of Field Of Dreams
now that I stop to think about it. But I decided to take it literally and leave it empty. And on days where we didn't have much hope, we'd sit and talk in that room about all the grand nursery plans we had. We ended up converting it to a makeshift "medication station" when I started my IVF injections because we literally needed a room dedicated to the vast plethora of medications, literature and paperwork.

The room is 10 feet by 10 feet. There's one nice sized window with a view of the beautiful woods behind our house. And it feels bigger than it is because it has a nice vaulted ceiling.

Now, the dilemma: what color to paint it?!

1. MINT - ah, sweet mint. I, hands down, think it is the most beautiful nursery color out there. Fresh, clean, inviting - and just shreeks, "a beautiful, sweet baby resides here". The tough part is, I'm not a huge "color" fan for walls. I only like colors that are practically neutrals. So the mint will be a challenge with finding decor that matches and doesn't creep into cheeseball territory.

2. A BLUE THAT'S PRACTICALLY GREY - this is just my favorite color for a room. There is nothing cleaner and nothing more calming than a tranquil almost-grey-blue. This is sort of what I mean by a color that's almost a neutral. Not to mention, it will be a nice backdrop for soft, sweet beige-colored animals. And it would be so fun to do pops of light pink for a girl, and minty green for a boy. The only detractor from this color is inevitably people will say it's weird if I have a girl and paint her nursery blue. The reason that doesn't bother me much is because for the rest of her tutu wearing life she'll want pink, so a couple years without it won't be the biggest crime.

3. BEIGE - I love beige for so many reasons. First, every holiday I can change out toys and books to fit the holiday and teach this kid early the joys of holidays. You really can't go wrong with beige, and I could really make statements through the decor in the room. It's warm and comforting. AND when Brian and I decided we were cool with the fact we might just have the one kiddo, I wanted neither of us to feel left out. So if he never got a blue boy nursery, I would never get a pink girl nursery and vice versa.

I know whatever choice we make, I'll rock it. It's not like baby Crane will bitch and moan about it so I guess we really can't lose! Looks like I have a lot of nursery day dreaming to do now...

not a free-spirited girl, not yet a mom

You'll only get that title if you jammed out to Britney Spears. And turn around if you think it's wrong to be tongue in cheek regarding mommy culture. 

I know I need to get better about updating my blog. I love looking back on my pre-pregnancy entries. I'm so proud of them for some reason. I think the reason I'm having trouble about blogging about my pregnancy is because I'm having a hard time with it. And I don't just mean physically, though that aspect certainly hasn't been a picnic.

To be perfectly honest, when Brian and I struggled with conceiving, I grew bitter towards pregnant women. I didn't hate them. I had friends who were pregnant, and I was happy for them. But I grew a bitterness in general towards pregnant women/women with small children. When any woman acted like having children was the "be all, end all", I'd bitch my face off to Brian about how stupid women were. I knew that if I couldn't have kids, my life wouldn't have been meaningless. And I know there are plenty of women out there who choose not to have kids, and their lives certainly are not meaningless.

So during my pregnancy, I have struggled greatly with crossing over to what has, at many points, seemed like the dark side. For years, women without children have embraced me as the cool, non-kid having woman that I am. While a lot of women with kids asked me when Brian and I planned on having kids. Didn't we want them? Why did we move into such a kid-friendly neighborhood and not contribute a brood to match the neighbors?

But now I AM pregnant. I will be leaving the club of the not kid havers and entering the kid having world in February. And to be honest, it was a world I felt very alienated from for quite some time. 

I think most women will never exactly know what this feels like but it has been very hard for me.

I have learned so much about myself and about people as a whole through the eyes of an infertile woman. I learned I never wanted to become the mom who is just about my kids and other people having kids. And I am constantly terrified, I mean - terrified, of becoming one. So I resist completely connecting with my pregnancy. I always hope that people will ask me questions other than questions about the baby so that I can still be "me".

And yet there's a maternal part of me (which I've always had - motherhood doesn't make you maternal, non-kid having women can be very maternal) that feels guilty for not being more about my pregnancy. I feel guilty that this pregnancy isn't and likely will never become my "be all, end all". I want my baby to know I love it to pieces. I love it's big-headed gummi bear self just hanging out inside of me, growing leaps and bounds every single day. Just because I'm not all about my pregnancy and my baby 24/7, doesn't mean I love or treasure him or her any less. 

It's hard to be a woman. We want to be everything to everyone. I want to love my pregnancy. I want to feel like a pregnant woman. But I don't want to lose myself to motherhood. I don't want to join a club that thinks having a child ranks right up there with curing cancer (my perception from years of moms asking if I planned on helping populate the world). 

This is actually something I struggle with every damn day. I had a mini breakdown the other night and just cried to Brian. I don't really quite know where I fit in yet.

In conclusion let me tell you what I DO know:

1. You don't HAVE to love pregnancy. For me it's been zits, barf, nausea, dizziness, tiredness and more barf. It doesn't mean I'll be a bad mom, it just means I don't like feeling sick.

2. You could be a glowing preggo or a not so glowing preggo, you are still beautiful. And you're beautiful for more reasons than the baby growing one.

3. No matter what club you are a part of, try to have friends in the other club. It helps to know your life is not the only way of life. 

Now let's see if I can get my shit together and write a freaking baby blog! Disclaimer: the blog might get pretty fucking mommy up in here. However, to the non-kid havers, please know I already have baby sitters in my pocket and will happily attend you're non-baby friendly events. And if you don't want to hear about a bunch of baby stuff, I totally get if you stop reading.

Tomorrow's blog idea: The Nursery Decisions Dilemma

9 weeks.

So I will be taking a bump picture for the nine week mark. It's early in the day, and I'm laying around sans pants in bed so now is probably not the right time. It's pretty fun I'm hitting the 9 week mark (still don't believe that fully) on a holiday. I hope my week marks always fall on holidays; that'd be too cool.

Today's goal is to eat 6 smallish meals that have some protein. Both my RE and my OB nurse have told me my not eating correctly could me affecting my "morning" sickness. During this stage of pregnancy I don't want to eat. So I don't eat and then the nausea gets worse and then I force stuff in and it's bad. I'm supposed to eat small meals every 2-3 hours (before I even feel hungry) and try to add protein where I can. Major challenge as 99% of the time meat or poultry sound awful, unless we're talking about a cheeseburger. But I desperately want to do the right thing for me and for baby crane so I'll do whatever the hell they tell me to do.

The hubby ran out to get some turkey bacon and is making me bacon and eggs for breakfast. Yum. I immediately asked if we could get patriotic dunkin' donuts for breakfast when I woke up but luckily Brian is always a good voice of reason. Yummy protein galore vs. a ball of sugar that will have me feeling like crap all day? Thank goodness someone can help me make good choices. Though if anyone says they don't love dunkin' donuts, especially decorated for the holiday, they have got to be lying.

I think in a couple weeks I will start the "survey format". The truth is I love looking back and reading my old blogs so it'll be super cool to some day look back at my pregnancy stats (minus weight because who really wants to look back at that shit? Do skinny people even want to see that?).

Whelp gotta go eat my protein and decorate my chalkboard.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY! It's so wonderful to be from the US of A :)

8 weeks 6 days?! Whattt?!

Eeek, I need to get better about blogging.

Now that I know for sure that I am pregnant and baby crane is in fact in there with a little beating heart I guess I can write more about my pregnancy.

Today was my first meeting with my OB. Well, really I just met with the nurse. They took down all my medical history. They asked some questions about my infertility journey. Which I'm learning that even some strangers think my story is endearing. The nurses, who I had never met, kept talking about how they knew the fertility clinic I came from and how they were so excited when they heard I was coming. Pregnant celebrity over here!

We also reviewed some don'ts. They hilariously acted like I was a pro with everything since I already have a set of instructions that are specific to me from my RE. 

The nurse treated me to a pregnant woman's bag of halloween candy aka a giant bag filled to the brim with tons of prenatal vitamins to sample.

I was shocked when she told me I'll be 9 weeks tomorrow and that my due date was February 6th, not the 8th. How the hack can I be 9 weeks as of tomorrow?! I swear the IVF math is the craziest thing you'll ever see. And it's weird as hell to skip a little part of pregnancy so you get bumped ahead of the regular preggos. 

So far pregnancy isn't bad with the exception of these things:

1. Not morning sickness... ALL DAY SICKNESS. 

    "Hi Page. This is your stomach talking. Think cereal is a safe bet? WRONG! I can fuck with you no matter what you eat." Yep, my own body drops the f bomb while it plays nasty tricks on my formerly unshakeable tummy.

2. I'm tired but oh wait, I have insomnia.

    This takes turns with the nausea as my least favorite symptom. I will be so tired from doing nothing. Nothing = my body thinks I ran a marathon so it's super sleepy. I fall asleep. Then I wake up a couple hours later, and I have little kid energy. I poke Brian to see if he'll hang out with me. He says no so I start snuggling Winnie. Then she leaves me and walks over to Brian. I'm pretty sure she whispers, "Mom is on crack" in his ear. 

3. They're not tears... it's allergies... I swear.

    OK, they are major tears. Everything makes me cry. A squirrel that looks too skinny = tears. 

My doctor told me all these things are super normal and are even signs of a healthy pregnancy. I guess if you're having the proper hormones surging through your body, they are causing this. I also continue to supplement my hormones which she said could also be a culprit. 

My pregnancy remains very British. When the nurse said, "wow, 2.5 years of trying - you must be so excited!" I was like, "oh yeah." I should be dancing around all the time but I can't quite yet. And I'm starting to realize, there might not be a magical point where I can. I can't throw away all of my syringes, needles and IVF medications. There's still a drawer in my fridge labeled "Page's Meds". I want more than anything to have the strength to part with them but I can't. I think, "if I lose the baby, I'll need these again." I don't think I will lose the baby but I just can't help letting go of my security blanket. Funny to think I was so terrified of all those needles and now I just can't let them go. 

And even though I get to vent on here - I have maintained my promise to myself. I can remember every day how lucky I am. There was a time, not too long ago, when I didn't know if I'd get to be here.  And wow, how amazing it is I am. Once I'm "out" about my pregnancy and just telling the whole world, I'm proud to tell people I'm pregnant with a baby via IVF. Miracles happen... even if they make you want to set up shop right next to your toilet.