You'll only get that title if you jammed out to Britney Spears. And turn around if you think it's wrong to be tongue in cheek regarding mommy culture.
To be perfectly honest, when Brian and I struggled with conceiving, I grew bitter towards pregnant women. I didn't hate them. I had friends who were pregnant, and I was happy for them. But I grew a bitterness in general towards pregnant women/women with small children. When any woman acted like having children was the "be all, end all", I'd bitch my face off to Brian about how stupid women were. I knew that if I couldn't have kids, my life wouldn't have been meaningless. And I know there are plenty of women out there who choose not to have kids, and their lives certainly are not meaningless.
So during my pregnancy, I have struggled greatly with crossing over to what has, at many points, seemed like the dark side. For years, women without children have embraced me as the cool, non-kid having woman that I am. While a lot of women with kids asked me when Brian and I planned on having kids. Didn't we want them? Why did we move into such a kid-friendly neighborhood and not contribute a brood to match the neighbors?
But now I AM pregnant. I will be leaving the club of the not kid havers and entering the kid having world in February. And to be honest, it was a world I felt very alienated from for quite some time.
I think most women will never exactly know what this feels like but it has been very hard for me.
I have learned so much about myself and about people as a whole through the eyes of an infertile woman. I learned I never wanted to become the mom who is just about my kids and other people having kids. And I am constantly terrified, I mean - terrified, of becoming one. So I resist completely connecting with my pregnancy. I always hope that people will ask me questions other than questions about the baby so that I can still be "me".
And yet there's a maternal part of me (which I've always had - motherhood doesn't make you maternal, non-kid having women can be very maternal) that feels guilty for not being more about my pregnancy. I feel guilty that this pregnancy isn't and likely will never become my "be all, end all". I want my baby to know I love it to pieces. I love it's big-headed gummi bear self just hanging out inside of me, growing leaps and bounds every single day. Just because I'm not all about my pregnancy and my baby 24/7, doesn't mean I love or treasure him or her any less.
It's hard to be a woman. We want to be everything to everyone. I want to love my pregnancy. I want to feel like a pregnant woman. But I don't want to lose myself to motherhood. I don't want to join a club that thinks having a child ranks right up there with curing cancer (my perception from years of moms asking if I planned on helping populate the world).
This is actually something I struggle with every damn day. I had a mini breakdown the other night and just cried to Brian. I don't really quite know where I fit in yet.
In conclusion let me tell you what I DO know:
1. You don't HAVE to love pregnancy. For me it's been zits, barf, nausea, dizziness, tiredness and more barf. It doesn't mean I'll be a bad mom, it just means I don't like feeling sick.
2. You could be a glowing preggo or a not so glowing preggo, you are still beautiful. And you're beautiful for more reasons than the baby growing one.
3. No matter what club you are a part of, try to have friends in the other club. It helps to know your life is not the only way of life.
Now let's see if I can get my shit together and write a freaking baby blog! Disclaimer: the blog might get pretty fucking mommy up in here. However, to the non-kid havers, please know I already have baby sitters in my pocket and will happily attend you're non-baby friendly events. And if you don't want to hear about a bunch of baby stuff, I totally get if you stop reading.
Tomorrow's blog idea: The Nursery Decisions Dilemma
No comments:
Post a Comment