A Very Crane Christmas

We're driving home from Sesame Place, and Christmas feels officially over. I always purposefully "start" Christmas around Thanksgiving so we don't feel like it came and went too quickly. We actually did our first Christmas thing, Meadowlark Walk of Lights, a week before Thanksgiving because we had a day in the 60's, and I knew we had to take advantage! 

I don't know if I have the energy to write out details on all of the Christmas things, nor do I think anyone has the interest or stamina to read that long of an entry. I'm going to try to remember and include as much as I can though. 

So a laundry list of how we celebrated. Please excuse the choppiness but here it goes:

We walked through Meadowlark's Walk of Lights (twice, actually). This was such a big hit with Hartley, our Christmas light aficionado. Patrick got to walk a bit the first time we went because it wasn't crowded but on Christmas Eve Eve he enjoyed it from his wagon. 

We went to the Reston Holiday Parade the day after Thanksgiving. It was absolutely fantastic! We sat on the curb in a little section right before the route officially started. It was perfect because we still got to see the parade pass through without it being super crowded. Plus all the performers hooked Hartley up with candy ;) This year's parade was actually ranked in the top 10 in the country! 

We took the kids to Cox Farms to meet Santa. Of course, in true Crane fashion, the picture didn't do the experience justice. Patrick was cool with it but Hartley really loved meeting Santa. I was so proud when she said (completely unprompted), "Merry Christmas, Santa!" That was the kick off to hearing her sweetly say those words all month long. 

We went and bought our tree at the same lot we went to for Hartley's first Christmas. We attempted decorating it together. Hartley's speciality was just placing ornaments on top of branches, and Patrick's was taking them off the tree. They really loved playing with the strands of lights so we kept one off the tree for the sole purpose! They hung around outside with us when the strung the lights on the house. And every evening Hartley would ask to go outside to see them. 

We read Christmas books. Patrick's favorite was Pete The Cat Saves Christmas, and Hartley's was 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. We watched Christmas movies (I watched the Hallmark ones almost nightly). Patrick's favorite was Elmo's Countdown to Christmas, and Hartley's was Mickey's Twice Upon A Christmas. Hartley did lots of cute holiday crafts in school. She was a pro at singing Jingle Bells (that was probably my favorite thing this Christmas). 

Hartley and I hosted some friends for a gingerbread house making play date. Hartley loved decorating and eating. Afterwards she kept talking about "Gingerbread man's house". Patrick enjoyed eating pieces, too. The kids went to my parents house to decorate their felt Christmas tree and to decorate Christmas cookies. 

We celebrated Christmas over several days. Christmas Eve Eve with my side of the family. We did present opening, pizza, and a stroll through Meadowlark's Walk of Lights. Hartley lucked out with her aunts and uncles taking turns holding her hand or hoisting her up into the sky. Christmas Eve we did Brian's side of the family for present opening and dinner. Then Christmas morning we hosted my parents, my sister, brother in law and niece for Christmas brunch. I was actually really happy to get to host Christmas morning because pajama brunches are my favorite holiday tradition! Later on in the day, Brian's friend/Patrick's godfather came to visit, and it was really nice to see him. 

The morning after Christmas we went to Maryland to see my grandparents. After Hartley was born I decided doing the shuffle to Maryland on Christmas Day was a little too much for us but I love our tradition of visiting them around Christmas. The kids relish in all the individual attention, and my grandparents really light up seeing the kids. 

Then the day after that we left for Sesame Place in Langhorne, PA. They decorate for the holidays for their "Very Furry Christmas" and do all sorts of neat little events. It was a fabulous trip that couldn't have gone any better. Even though we took three successful little road trips earlier in the year with the kids (two to Ocean City, one to Raleigh), trips with a 2 year old and 1 year old can be a little unpredictable. But it went better than I could've imagined. 

The kids loved Sesame Place. They enjoyed meeting all the characters; Elmo was the most popular. They loved all the Christmas decorations (they do a little Festival of Lights at night). They loved watching a live Sesame Christmas musical. But the part that most surprised me was how much they both loved the rides. I thought Hartley might be scared or Patrick would just be too young. But nope! Hartley begged to go on the rides again and again. By the end my head was spinning!! Patrick was also so brave and smiley. It was so funny to see my one year old in the mix with all the big kids on the rides! Who knows if it was even really allowed but he sat in his own seat on Oscar's Trashcan Rocketship ride! He cracks me up with how much he wants to keep up with Hartley and do whatever she does. 

It has been a fantastic Christmas Break, and it's still not even over yet. Tomorrow is actually my day to catch up with friends & family without the kids in tow, which I'm looking forward to.

I hope everyone else had a Merry Christmas & Happy Holiday Season! As we wind down 2016, I hope everyone is able to count their blessings from this year and get excited for 2017. The best is yet to come!

What Autism Looks Like

I saw an info graphic on Facebook the other day that I shared, and it got me thinking about a blog entry I've really been wanting to write. Please keep in mind what I'm about to share is pretty personal to me so please bear with me and understand I'm not speaking collectively, these are my own thoughts.

Back when I was in school, there was no such thing as the autism spectrum. There were kids who were autistic, and there were a couple "subsets" so to speak of autism. But when you thought of a kid with autism you thought of a child who was pretty severely impaired socially and cognitively, maybe not even speaking at all. 

Well, in recent years, this definition has changed. Autism has become a spectrum that encompasses a group people with a wide range of strengths and weaknesses of different measures in various areas. I read a quote once that I loved. It said, "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." I think if there is one thing that all people should understand about ASD, it's exactly that. 

Hartley is often very difficult to describe or explain to people. She is not severely autistic. In fact, if you met her and weren't familiar with how other kids her age act, you might not even really notice that she's atypical. 

I've had people ask me how or when I knew that something was different, and that's actually something I've wanted to share for a while but haven't been sure quite how to say it.

If you read my blog regularly, you might remember how this process all got started. Shortly before Hartley's second birthday, Brian took her to the doctor for a cold, and the doctor mentioned Hartley's language was "behind". In hindsight, this wasn't the most accurate way of describing what was going on. At the appointment, Hartley was jargoning, the fancy autism community lingo for speaking in gibberish. It's more atypical than it is "behind". 

But that is what basically got the ball rolling. From there she was evaluated by the county to see if she qualified to receive speech therapy services. Then shortly after the speech therapist began working with her, our service coordinator said we should look into having Hartley evaluated for special ed preschool. They would go on to suggest that Hartley should also see a developmental pediatrician. Her regular pediatrician referred us to Children's hospital. The school system said that Hartley qualified for services under the label "developmental delay" but they also strongly felt she could qualify under the "autism" label. Then at our meeting with the developmental pediatrician she said Hartley was on the autism spectrum, and that she would notify that school system that Hartley was in need of early intervention preschool services. 

But the strange thing was, I knew ages ago that Hartley was unique. 

When Hartley was a newborn, she didn't like to be held. I remember telling seasoned mothers this, and they looked at me like I had 5 heads. My mom noticed it too, though. Hartley would cry for hours for no reason. People would say, "oh Page, babies cry". But she could cry for a couple hours straight for no apparent reason. I'd never seen any of my friends' babies do that. 

That's when at 2 months, Hartley's doctor gave me an answer. "She's a very sensitive baby". 

So as a new mom, I felt validated. I had an answer. When I took Hartley new places, she would scream and cry endlessly. Nothing worked to soothe her. She didn't like being out of our house. Again, seasoned moms had advice: "well, if you just take her out places, she'll just have to get used to it". Only she never did. Honestly, it was agony. It was isolating. I could only stay in my house or go out for walks just the two of us. In hindsight, I'm sure it contributed to how lousy I felt when she was a baby. 

The older she grew, she became more okay with being out. She was still very much a sensitive baby, though.

I'll always remember my mom buying Hartley a bunch of hats because she absolutely despised the sun in her eyes. I'd drive places and if the sun were in her eyes, she'd scream until I fixed it.

She was constantly moving. To this day, I've never seen a baby who moves half as much as she did. She would never sit in my lap to read a book. I had to stop doing her "chair pictures" after her 7 month picture because she would throw herself off the chair faster than I could even snap a picture. 

She was an early walker (10 months) but she was so clumsy. She face planted into cement right around her first birthday; it didn't occur to her to catch herself. To this day her legs are constantly bruised from falling. 

The first time she finger-painted , she absolutely hated it. Just touching the paint threw her through a loop. She grew to love painting once we began using brushes, and she didn't have to touch the paint. 

She has always been a horrible napper (and now, sleeper). She would just bounce in her crib for an hour until her "nap time" was over. She went through a phase where she'd head butt the wall, which wasn't as dramatic as it sounds but I hated it so much. I kind of just thought other kids did these things, honestly. And as Patrick grows older I realize how these things weren't that normal. 

Hartley also did advanced things. She knew the alphabet at 18 months, out of context and in context. She was counting to ten at her 2nd birthday which is a 3rd birthday skill. I just thought, "wow! I'm awesome at teaching my kid things!" That bubble has burst ;)

My big indicator though that pushed me to do these various assessments was Hartley not responding to her name. I think as a parent this has been one of the hardest parts of this. It's actually far more challenging than it sounds but one day she got away from me outside. I kept calling her name, and she never came because she didn't respond to her name. It sounds so silly but it's really scary and sad when your child can't "hear" you. And as Patrick grows and he listens to me and comes when he's called, I'm relieved but I'm also a little sad that Hartley hasn't been able to naturally develop like that. She's definitely getting better but it's not the same. 

One of the first screenings Hartley had was with an audiologist to make sure it wasn't a hearing issue causing things. 

These things in hindsight were clues that something was "off". The developmental pediatrician told us that Hartley was born this way. And she comforted us by saying that even though Hartley has autism, she's got a lot going for her. Some children with autism don't speak; Hartley can speak. Some children with autism tend to be really unhappy; Hartley is happy. Some children with autism have impaired cognitive abilities; Hartley's cognitive abilities are actually "mature". 

But sometimes people don't realize what it is exactly about Hartley that is different. She is very sensitive and very intense (people think all toddlers are but this is next level). She can be pretty obsessive (this actually has gotten worse lately. An example being needing to sleep with a bunch of specific Christmas ornaments). She has a hard time transitioning from one activity to another, and she isn't easy to redirect. Once she is in meltdown mode, she's almost impossible to reason with. She is pretty literal. She can be aloof, and she can check out from time to time. A lot of social nuances that come naturally to kids her age, don't come naturally to her. She has trouble answering simple questions where she has to do more than label. When she talks her speech is a little funny. It's choppy and backwards sometimes. She's echolailic so she often echoes the last couple words of a question back instead of answering. 

Sometimes people who aren't around her often might say these types of things sound like just a different personality. I thought that for the longest time but as time goes on, Brian and I have both realized it goes deeper than that. It's actually difficult because we're trying to figure out the balance of how much to "correct" and how much to embrace as who she is. I let her sleep with ornaments but do I draw the line when she wakes up at 2 am and asks for a specific one that's downstairs on the tree? There's no manual for this. 

My mom has said a lot of things that make Hartley different actually make her cuter. I completely agree with this. My girl has the absolute sweetest, kindest heart. She says and does so many quirky and endearing things. A lot of girls her age are sassy but she actually doesn't have it in her to be that way. 

As time goes on, I've really evolved a lot to embrace and celebrate Hartley's brain just working differently. And sometimes, on my weaker days, I cry because I wish the hard parts were easier. Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life just trying to do whatever makes her happy, and it's an exhausting way to live. 

I've written various entries referencing Hartley's ASD. But honestly I felt this urge to write this the other day. I sometimes feel like there's a great deal of confusion on autism. People don't fully understand it because it is so different for everyone affected. But this is what it is in my family. 

Hartley & Patrick, the latest & greatest

Back in the day I used to blog what Hartley was up to basically each month: the new skills she was learning, the toys or activities she was loving. The wheels definitely fell off that one, which I can't say I feel bad about - that's life. I don't really have any desire to go back to those types of entries. They were always relatively forced. We were at a certain date on the calendar, so I had to chart where she was. 

With the said, however, I do want to talk a little about where each of the kids are at the moment. Not because of a date of the calendar but because, quite frankly, I'm feeling really happy and excited about their stages.

 
This is random, laundry list style so Godspeed if you choose to accept the challenge!

Hartley is a couple months away from turning 3. She is now sleeping in a "big girl bed", which is a twin mattress on the floor. She's probably the most clumsy kid I've ever known (she can thank her dad for that!) so having a mattress on the floor feels like the right speed for now. But she loves her big girl bed, especially her ballerina sheets and her floral quilt. Plus, there's enough room for the dozen stuffed animals she must sleep with every night. Her top ranked sleep companion currently is a Mickey Mouse ornament. Basically I need to invest in a back up ;)

It takes Hartley a while to actually fall asleep (I'd say an hour on average), and she probably only naps once or twice a week. I guess she can thank her mom for her not-awesome sleep skills! 

Hartley can now take off her coat; she can unzip and zip but usually needs help getting started with zipping. She is starting to walk upright while holding the railing going up and down the stairs. As of the past few days she can put on her own rain boots since they just slide on. She is starting to have opinions about what she'd like to wear. She loves tutus, probably because she loves ballet. Sometimes she insists on wearing her ballet slippers if she's wearing a tutu. 

She continues to be a picky eater but her current favorite food is a "jelly-bunga" sandwich. This is her own term for a sandwich that's light on peanut butter and heavy on jelly. She stole Cookie Monster's saying, "COWABUNGA!" and made it her own, I guess. She also loves pizza, fruit, orange juice, and teddy crackers (teddy grahams). She likes to eat icing off of donuts and cupcakes but doesn't care for the cake part. She'll hand Brian or I the leftover cake portion and tell us, "that's trash". Though we actually are working on having her put things in the trash can on her own, and she's doing well with that! Oh, and she LOVES Chik-fil-a, especially the lemonade. She will always "cheers" you when she's drinking her chik-fil-a lemonade. So obviously we've raised a health nut, right? We try for healthy foods too but we are parents who pick and choose our battles, and food is not one we push too hard. And she doesn't eat this junk daily - it's just a list of her favorite things that she would eat daily if we let her!

She loves to count. For a while over the summer we discouraged counting at the advice of professionals because we didn't want her to get fixated. But as she expands on what she knows and becomes more engaging, we've let counting creep back in. She can count past 20, and I've seen her identify much larger numbers than that. She loves to count Christmas lights.

She is becoming much more engaging; she is starting to seek us out to show us things on occasion, which is a huge milestone in our home. She is also starting to ask us questions which is an even bigger milestone for us. This morning she looked out the window and my car wasn't in the driveway so she turned to me and asked, "where's mama's car?" Just such a huge thing for us because she's curious and engaging us. 

She's also starting to use prepositions. The other day she told me "Wook! A dog on stocking!" (Her stocking has a dog on it)

She is also starting to say "mine" and sometimes even "I". This is one of the goals on her IEP, and I'm amazed at how she's already getting it. I brought this up to her teacher, and she said they practice it at school pretty intensely so she was pleased it was being carried over to home. 

She's starting to answer questions outside of just labeling questions. It's shaky, and it's definitely in the early stages but it's happening! She is starting to tell me more of what she needs/wants, and how she is feeling. She can tell me "hurt" when she's hurt and can sometimes pinpoint where. Today was the first day ever where she was extremely tired, and she recognized that she needed to nap. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said, "sad". I asked her if she wanted to nap, and she said, "yes". 

She is very affectionate with me. She often asks for "mama cozy couch", which means she wants to sit on the couch with me under a blanket. Feet must be fully covered by the blanket ;)

Her big thing lately has been her fascination with all things Christmas. She enjoyed meeting Santa, and she told him, "Merry Christmas, Santa!" She loves Christmas lights. She unfortunately has learned how to plug them into the wall so she's been known to plug in the lights for us. When we drive past Christmas lights, she always wants to get out of he car to see them. We did Meadowlark walk of lights weeks ago but we'll definitely need to repeat it for her. And she loves Christmas trees and ornaments. It's been so magical celebrating Christmas this month. She could care less about the presents, she just loves all the beautiful, little things about Christmas, and I love that. 

She can sing a little bit of Jingle Bells (I haven't ever even sung this to her). We also have learned that her extraordinary memory has been working overdrive learning words to almost every song on the radio. It's honestly nothing short of amazing. Brian and I both were just completely in awe the other day in the car. The other day the Daya song Sit Still, Look Pretty came on, and she sang it word for word. I literally started to get teary because even though she didn't know it, she was singing such a cool girl anthem.

The other skill that she's doing that's mind boggling is sight reading. I bought a sign that says SANTA STOPS HERE and has a chalkboard for a countdown. I held her up to ask her to read me the number I had written, and she said, "Santa Stops". I'd never read her the sign before; I was floored. 

She really is so brilliant. It's funny how we struggle with the "easy" stuff that comes naturally to others but her mind really is constantly moving. I never fully shared her assessment from Children's Hospital but it read that Hartley was "adorable but aloof" with "mature cognitive abilities". She can't always tell you if she had a good day at school but she'll correct you if you call teal blue. She's pretty amazing. 

And all the little things she says are the best. Today when Brian left for work she told him, "bye, Dad! Have great day at school!"

Patrick is still a giant, easy going guy. He just turned 16 months but at his 15 month appointment he was 99th percentile for height and 100th percentile for weight. He has most, if not all, of his teeth. He actually got 8 teeth in about a two week span in November. That was joyous. (Insert sarcastic face here) He also got his first hair cut and did really well. I'm always paranoid when people ask me if I think his hair color will change. I definitely hope it doesn't change! 

People always think he is older than he is but he is still such a sweet, snuggle bug! I'll probably be calling him my baby until he's 50 ;)

He's been crawling up the stairs for at least several months (before he could walk) but we're just now tackling going down a couple stairs at a time. He can do about 2-3 but it's by far my least favorite thing "to teach", and I'm not pushing it. Though I sometimes do daydream of the day that I'm not carrying 33 pounds of big boy baby down the stairs.

His favorite things are cars, hands down, no question. It's all he really wants to play with. Every vehicle is "car". Trains are cars. Buses are cars. You get the gist. He easily says "car" at least 50 times a day. It is his most used word followed closely by "mama". 

He plays a game with me where he says, "mama", and I say back to him "baby". It can go on for a veryyyy long time: him calling me mama and me calling him baby. 

He likes to dance. He likes to wave. He likes to just do a lot of random babbling.

The words he has said: car, mama, dada, hi, bye, pumpkin, pizza, banana, apple, cupcake, ball, dog, and Winnie. He is starting to learn his animal sounds and I've heard him say "moo" and "baa". He picked up the toy phone a couple days ago and said, "hi!" Don't ask me why but that is always one of my favorite things. 

He can climb onto the couch (terrifying). 

He loves crawling into Hartley's big girl bed. They love to wrestle each other on it. 

Hartley has learned that Patrick is her "little brudder", and that she is his sister. She is bossy to him at times but also loves him fiercely. She has no problem telling him, "no, stop, Pattick!" But if he drops something, she'll get it for him. If he cries, she'll come to comfort him, and tell him, "it's okay, Pattick". She'll notify me when, "Pattick's crying" or "Pattick's sad". She still calls him "Pattick", no R, which I've actually started doing, too! Poor guy will be nice and confused by the time us girls are done with him. Hartley calls herself "hart-wee". She'll tell me, "I Hartwee!" It's adorable! 

Wow, I just wrote a novel! But I've been meaning to write this. I want to remember this stage. It is honestly my favorite so far. It is the most exhausting but it's also the most rewarding. I know I'm not supposed to say this but I'm more of a kid-person than a baby-person. So I've been enjoying seeing my kids run around together, hearing them talk, and seeing them light up over all things Christmas. I can't lie, it hasn't been a sobby emoticon chapter for me - it's been more like I'm seeing the real fun beginning to start! 

2016

Last night I asked Brian to wake me up before the kids got up so I could take a shower and start my day off bright eyed and bushy tailed. But in sticking with the current trend in our house it was another night of broken sleep. This is due to a very picky 2 year old who wakes unable to find one of her dozens of stuffed friends whose lost under a sea of blankets. Brian and I both have some OCD tendencies so our genes have meddled together to make the ultimate "everything must be just so" toddler. And it must be just so at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am. You get the gist ;)

I digress as sleeplessness continues to eat away at my brain. 

I was too lazy and tired to drag my butt into the shower. I rolled over and grabbed my phone off the charger and clicked open Facebook. A horrible habit but maybe something broke overnight that I absolutely must know about. But today right at the top of my newsfeed is my year in review. I watch it to see what Facebook deems the highlights. I'm assuming they are based on likes because the pictures aren't ones that mean a great deal to me. Then my mind drifts as to what defined this year for me. 

All in all, it was a good year. But it was one of those mixed years. I entered into it blissfully unaware of the challenges that would be faced. Though I will say, I also got to experience immeasurable joys and triumphs, too. I felt like it was a rather defining year. I learned a lot about myself, along with the other people in my life. I got to meet warriors through my volunteer work. I got to meet real life heroes through our journey with Hartley. 

I actually saw that TIME magazine came out with their person of the year for 2016. My person of the year for this year was a tie between a few people! 

Brian was one of them. This year we celebrated a decade since our very first date. An anniversary on a calendar that went celebrated at the Reston Holiday parade with our kids. But he didn't earn person of the year for some date on the calendar. He won person of the year because as we muddled through more uncharted life territory this year, we came out the other side stronger, with our bond strengthened. We had moments this year where we fell to pieces and picked each other up. He also wins because of how hard-working he is. He excelled this year as a first year Senior Manager. And even as work piled up, almost every single night this year (a few exceptions for work events or travel) he managed to come home and help with the kids' baths and bedtime routine. He gave me "nights off" where I heard laughter just pour out of my children and echo through the hallway. Spoiler alert, I anticipate him being my person of the year every year but this year was extra special. I saw him grow and flourish in his role of world's greatest dad, and he held my hand tighter than anybody when we got Hartley's ASD diagnosis. This year reaffirmed him as my life choice because I realized together we can handle whatever curveball life throws our way.

Secondly, another "person of the year" is Hartley's teachers, along with her speech therapist and the other various professionals who have been of immense support to us this year. Her school truly has made an incredible positive impact on our lives. As I brainstorm the words to use on her teachers holiday cards, there will never be words I can find to adequately describe my gratitude. They have given my daughter a voice. She speaks so much more clearly and purposefully and is so much more engaging. This holiday season I am getting to enjoy my daughter in a way I never could've imagined even a mere few months ago, and I know it is because of these incredible women who have truly found their calling in life. I thought sending Hartley to preschool would be hard but seeing her light up at drop and make phenomenal progress, I feel so lucky and blessed on what a great change it has been for us. Her speech therapist, who we used to see all the time, became such a source of comfort and support. I swear sometimes I felt like she was my therapist more than Hartley's!

I made some great new friends this year. I'm so thankful for these new friends and old friends. Thankful for the moments we've gotten to laugh together, high five eachother or just help keep one another afloat. I've also learned who is there when the chips are down, which is always a good and bad thing. 

ASD certainly didn't define our year but I entered into a world I knew very little about. I took it to my blog because a lot of days I didn't know where else to turn. And I feel very lucky at the kind reception and helpful words passed mine and my family's way. 

Then there were all those amazing milestones that happened in 2016. First foods. First words. First crawls. First holidays. First steps. Birthdays. Vacations. Field trips. I got to watch my childrens' sibling relationship blossom and grow. I got to hear my daughter tell me she loves me for the first time. I got to see pool splashing, ballerina twirling and crayon masterpiece creation. Even on they days where it was applying boo boo busters, breaking up fights, and picking up 57 thousand Cheerios, it truly has been a blessing. Because even through the tiredness fog and exhaustion, at the end of the day I know we are beyond blessed. We are happy, healthy and thriving, and we get to have eachother. 

I'm rolling into 2017, my mind flurried with resolutions I swear I'll keep this year ;) I've decided to forever give up on keeping my house cleaner or losing 20 pounds. But I have thoughts of how to bring more calm and peace into my life.

I'm getting away from myself! We still have several more weeks to 2016. I'll brag - we Cranes are kicking ass at celebrating Christmas. Eventually a photo diary entry perhaps. I'm LOVING Christmas will little ones. We're not even to the big day yet, and I'm already feeling like this is my favorite Christmas ever! 

But to my Facebook year in review, I'm not sure you hit the nail on the head in your little depiction of my 2016 so I decided to get all wordy with my own version ;) it's been a good year, a growing year and I'm pretty excited to see what 2017 has in store! 

Pushing

It's kind of crazy that we're more than halfway through November. This month has been very good to our family. We've seen two noteworthy changes/milestones: Hartley moving into her "big girl bed" and Patrick getting his first haircut. We've had a lot of fun enjoying the nice weather though we're not loving how early it now gets dark out! The kids and I have been battling gross colds - 'tis the season. And we've been greatly anticipating the upcoming holidays! 

I've come to my space today to talk a little bit about a new goal we have for Hartley. 

Brian, Patrick and I all had the pleasure of attending Hartley's Thanksgiving luncheon at school. Brian and I had really been looking forward to it. We'd been so eager to see her in her environment with her new friends. The teachers definitely told us it would be more chaotic than their typical day so I was expecting pure craziness but I was amazed at how orderly the class is!

That morning before we left, I was out with Winnie and got to talking to my neighbor. She was telling me to treasure these school events because they really are such special times. We definitely did treasure it. Brian took off work for it. We brought Patrick along. Our whole little family enjoyed the exciting first! 

We did come to realize that Hartley had the most difficulty sitting still and staying in her seat out of all of her classmates. Her teacher had actually brought this up to me recently, and I told her it was a work in progress for us. Its a struggle during every ballet class; she loves to move. But then, being in her classroom and seeing her relative to her classmates, it kind of clicked for Brian and I a little more. We both enjoyed our time but I think afterwards we both kind of felt like we haven't been pushing her as hard as we should. 

Something that I'm learning firsthand is how differently people learn. I always have thought that if you told your child what to do and modeled it yourself, your child would just learn it. It's pretty wild but as Patrick grows, I'm watching things just click very naturally for him. Whereas with Hartley, we have to actively teach her things, and even then, our "teaching" doesn't always work. 

Brian and I are both very soft parents. Instinctually, we like to see our children happy. So sometimes when we try to teach Hartley things, and we see her struggle and become frustrated, we pull back a little. 

Hartley, while very intelligent, naturally struggles a little bit more with following directions, learning self care, etc. And while she is a really happy kid, she gets very frustrated when things are hard for her, which is understandable. Brian and I hate seeing her feel frustrated and defeated so we stop pushing her. 

Well, on Thanksgiving lunch day, I felt like such a bad mom. Hartley was the only child who didn't want to sit in her seat to eat. I was going to let her just get up and walk around because I didn't want to cause a scene but her teacher made her sit. Hartley hated it but her teacher pushed her to do it anyway. She talked to us about making her sit at home. 

Both Brian and I turned to each other when we got in the car, and we could tell what the other was thinking - we have to start trying harder. I think we have to start accepting that some things aren't going to come naturally so we have to push more. Sometimes we're going to have to work on and practice things with Hartley that might come more naturally to other kids. 

We love that our daughter is happy. She truly is a wonderfully spirited, sweet, happy child. Neither of us want to become hard asses but we need to start raising the bar. Just because something is unpleasant and hard, doesn't mean we can avoid or continue to postpone learning it.

There's such a delicate balance in raising children. You need to push but also comfort. You want them to be happy but you also want them to grow and move forward, even if it's challenging to do so. For me, this is actually my biggest challenge as a parent. I think I'll be struggling with balance as long as I live. 

Our first night of having her sit for dinner, we tried to get her to take 5 bites of her dinner. She's atypical in the way that she doesn't understand things like "take 5 bites of your meal and you get dessert". She's a picky eater, and at this point, she can't be reasoned with. So we actually were unable to get her to take any bites of her dinner. We tried very hard and stayed strong for what seemed like an eternity. She ultimately broke down and began trying to get herself to throw up. Don't worry, if anyone hosts us for dinner we won't be pushing this hard at your house so you'll be spared that lovely episode ;) She crawled into Brian's lap and clung to him. She hit him a couple times, and continued to cry.

It was pretty pathetic but both Brian and I started tearing up. We felt so bad for her. It was awful. We weren't crying because she didn't eat her green beans; we cried because she just doesn't understand what we're saying. It's actually really heartbreaking to try to talk to your child and realize they are frustrated because they can't understand what you're asking of them. Earlier I referenced how different brains are. It's sometimes hard for us to watch things click for Patrick at 15 months that Hartley has struggled with for a long time and is only starting to get at close to 3 years. 

Despite not eating dinner, we did cave, and she ate freeze dried apples. We were trying to use those as a reward for trying 5, then 3, then 1 bite of her actual dinner. We were able to get her to sit and stay at the table eating freeze dried apples though, which was a victory for us. 

Tonight she might've eaten a bite or two of her actual dinner. We then gave her a yogurt pouch, and she was able to sit at the table for 14 minutes.

I write about this to come back and revisit. To remember on the days that I don't feel like fighting these battles, that there is a point to them. She is capable of learning. She will get there. But she needs my help - and Brian's help. And even if I think that this should come more easily than it does, that doesn't really matter. Everyone's journey to learn things is different. It might take longer but she will get there. I need to push myself to push her. Yesterday night was my wake up call to keep forging on. 

Soon I'll come on here and share all of the super cute little moments that have compiled this month but today I had to write this. As we roll into Thanksgiving I'm feeling very thankful for so many things but I'm already feeling that New Year's urge to start anew, too. This is my little way to hold myself accountable. 

Post Election

Yesterday started off a little rough. I made the mistake of mentioning to my 2 year old daughter that we were going to the playground with her friend Norah. She doesn't understand time so when I try to explain, "we're leaving in 30 minutes" that means nothing to her. 

She was excited to go to the playground so she sweetly attempted to carry over all 3 pairs of shoes - mine, hers, and Patrick's. This was a goal we worked on for months that just clicked. It's a life changer, by the way. I wanted to give her positive reinforcement because that's what every professional has said I'm supposed to do. So I hurriedly put on everyone's shoes, and figured we'd just get to the playground early. 

Well, when we arrived Norah obviously wasn't there yet. Again, my child is very literal so she begins screaming, "NORAH PLAYGROUND!" over and over and over. No ritz cracker bribe will work to calm her. No redirection is working. She's "hard to redirect" according to professionals. Strangers walking by gave me empathetic looks. Luckily Norah and her mom were there 15 minutes later. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then it was Patrick's turn to fuss. He's getting eight teeth at the same time so he's always on the edge of a meltdown.

I was able to cheer him up by taking him to chase balls on the tennis court but Hartley was devastated to leave Norah. I explained we'd give Patrick five minutes on the court, then we'd head back to our friends. She wasn't satisfied with this so she balled up her fist and began shoving it down her throat and gagging. Her eyes began to water. And I wanted to cry. She was so mad at me that she was hurting herself. So I went to grab Patrick, and I told her, "we're going to Norah right now. Please stop! It's okay." 

But it was too late. She was too far gone. She began biting her hand. And I fought back tears. I had just gotten to the point a week earlier where I told Norah's mom that Hartley has autism. I wanted her to know why things are sometimes different with Hartley, and I illogically feared if I told her, they wouldn't want to play with us anymore. Now here we were, my son screaming as I've interrupted his play, and my daughter hell bent on knawing off her hand. I said good bye quickly and jogged my stroller away. I told myself we were never going out in public again. I doubted myself, like I always do. 

I decided I wasn't going to vote. I was too tired. I couldn't do it.

But during nap time, an ad for Hillary came on that I've seen a hundred times this election cycle. There's a clip of Donald Trump mocking someone with disabilities and tears streamed down my face. I couldn't stop them. Poetically, Hartley began to wake. I went in to go get her, and I said, "good morning, baby!" She chirped in a mirroring inflection, "good morning, baby!" She echoes me. She does it less since starting school but all of the professionals we've met with have noticed this about Hartley within minutes of meeting her. I looked into her gorgeous, smiling blue eyes. And again the tears came. In that moment I decided, as hard as taking them to the polls will be, as embarrassed as I might feel at times, I'm doing it. And here it is folks, not PC at all, I wasn't voting for my son or my husband or even myself. I was voting for my daughter who is differently abled. As her mother, I was standing up to a bully. I was going to show how I felt, not my posting a rant on Facebook but rather by exercising my right. 

I uneffectively briber my children with candy and walked with my head held high as I cast my ballot. And on the way home, the tears came again. I had just voted for the better candidate. But I had voted for the first female president with my young daughter right by my side. If that doesn't give you chills, nothing will. I was doing my teeny part to shatter the hell out of that glass ceiling while standing for what I believe in. 

Spoiler alert: my candidate didn't win. 

I gulped back wine. I stayed positive until 2 am when the tears came yet again. But I reminded myself tomorrow was a brand new day. I had and have to be the strong woman I am each and every day. I owe my children that. I may feel surprised, disappointed, and even a little sick to my stomach. But life is no longer about me. It's about my kids and the example I set for them every day. 

If I cuss, they cuss. If I cry, they begin to cry. If I mope and wallow, they'll be sad. They look to me for guidance, positivity and security. And no matter who the president is, this is what I will give them. You can voice your opinions without anger and hatred. You can be strong without instigating. 

If I preach and practice love, acceptance and compassion - I pray my children will do the same someday. If I teach them to find the good in life, I hope it sticks. 

This is how a special needs mother of two feels this post Election Day. You can feel how you feel. You are absolutely entitled to that. But respect my right to do the same.

Our October

October was so good to our family. Just consider the bookends: October 1st Patrick took his first steps and October 31st the kids went trick or treating for the first time! 

The month actually started a little oddly. We were thrilled that Patrick decided it was time to start walking and things were really clicking for Hartley at ballet. However, we were in this weird space where we still weren't positive what Hartley's plan for fall was. September we learned she was eligible to receive special education services through the school system, and she received the ASD diagnosis. But we still had no idea if and when she'd start school or how she was going to feel about it. I remember feeling beyond burnt out from months of assessments, appointments and uncertainty. 

But after Hartley's IEP meeting and finding out she would start school, things really got so much better for us. I was nervous for that first day but she really loved it from day one. I credit Pathways to Preschool for our brilliant transition. It really just took about a week for us to settle into our routine, and it already feels like old hat.

It makes me so happy that she loves school, and Patrick loves his one on one time. Hartley is making great progress. We literally kicked off October with Hartley talking in 1-2 word/phrase labels. We have wrapped it up with her beginning to speak in sentences where she is genuinely expressing her own thoughts. I mean - phenomenal. It has been just one gigantic win for our family and easily my proudest moment of motherhood to date. 

Outside of the accomplishments made this month, we have taken full advantage of the beautiful weather and all of the fall fun that Northern Virginia has to offer! 

The kids have been taking lessons on Saturday mornings. Patrick goes to swimming lessons with Brian, and Hartley does ballet class with me. My mom takes Patrick to music class once a week, which he really enjoys. We have gotten to go to so many fun playgrounds and parks during the week. We reconnected with an old neighbor and having been having weekly play dates with them. 

We have done the big fall festivals. We went to Cox Farms. Brian's work has a certain day where they get discounted tickets and reserve a pavilion so we took full advantage of that. However, I have to say, I think the best fall festival is put on by Leesburg Animal Park; they do Pumpkin Village. Well worth the drive. We went once as our little family of four, and then I took the kids during the week so we could go with my sister, her husband, their baby girl, and my mom. The kids really love Pumpkin Village; there's so much for them to do! 

We took them to do the corn pit and a hayride at Krop's Crops in Great Falls. It's a much smaller operation but a fun little thing to do that's only a couple miles from us. 

Brian was out of town for 5 days in Florida so when he got back he gave me some time off, and he took the kids to the petting zoo. We are annual pass holders and after a couple months we've already got our money's worth out of them! And Brian had another day hanging with the kids when I hosted a friend's baby shower. He took them to Great Falls National Park, and they had a blast. 

I am a member of Herndon MOMS Club, and Patrick and I hosted the Halloween Costume Party Play date the Friday before Halloween. We had a huge turn out, and it was a lot of fun! 

Then we ended the month by trick or treating in my parents' neighborhood. The kids were Ariel and Sebastian (from The Little Mermaid) for Halloween. I was worried for how it would go. Obviously Patrick was too young to really participate but I wasn't sure how Hartley would do. Well, it went AMAZING. 

We ate pizza for dinner at my parents' house, then practiced knocking on their door and saying "trick or treat" and "thank you". Then we were on our way. Hartley loved dressing as Ariel, and after her first couple houses, she totally "got it". Then she was on a roll, and we were just going house to house like it was our job. Patrick rode in the wagon nibbling on cookies and Rice Krispie treats so needless to say, he was a happy Sebastian.

Hartley did a great job saying "trick or treat" and "thank you so much!" One house she actually said, "thank you, sir!" and I couldn't help but laugh. It was so cute. 

We couldn't have done it without our posse: Nana, Poppy, and Aunt Caroline (who dressed as Ursula - amazing). We all took turns walking Hartley up to the doors, and I think she relished in all of the attention. It was so sweet to see her proudly walking around in her sequined costume taking turns holding hands and knocking on doors with all of us. She truly was the sweetest Ariel. 

I'm hoping November brings us the same luck for more progress and lots of happy moments and creating more special memories. It truly is a month to feel thankful. 

Hope everyone else had a wonderful October and is able to find many things to be thankful for this month :)

Spurts

My babies are growing up so fast. And I don't mean that in the sense that most mothers will follow up with the sobbing face emoticon. The past few weeks of our lives have been this incredible spurt. I feel like I'm throwing up a peace sign to infancy in my rear view, and dare I say, I'm not sad about it!

Hartley is blossoming so much before my very eyes. Every day she becomes sweeter, more vocal, and some how even more beautiful and little girl looking. Her love for school and learning is incredible. And I keep fearing I'll jinx it by typing it but I swear preschool has been working true wonders! 

Hartley has always been a very sweet, sensitive little girl but now hearing her voice is truly amazing. When Patrick cries, she comes over to comfort him, and she tells him, "it's okay, Patrick". And if she needs help fixing the situation she'll come over and tell me, "Patrick sad, mama." She says it with such empathy and concern. I've always known she has a kind heart but now her language is making it undeniable. 

She has begun using manners. The other night when I came up to readjust her in her crib, she said, "thank you so much, mama." She just recently started saying "I love you" to me, and it moves me to tears.

She is soaking up the world around her like a sponge. Every day are new words, new phrases and a more advanced way of speaking.

She is always telling me that things are beautiful, cute and sweet. She has such a perfect sense of pride. And I've heard that she always tries to be helpful with her classmates. 

I have to say, sometimes I questioned my abilities as a mother because my child wasn't always doing what her peers were doing. But honestly, now that she's getting this little boost to help her come out of her shell, I'm getting to reep what I've sewn, and I'm proud beyond words. 

And all of a sudden, I'm having a few hours each morning to bond with Patrick, and I am truly floored at the little person he is becoming. I know this sounds awful to say but having been my chill child, I've been able to put him on the back burner a bit. I've said it before, juggling two little ones is hard. But I am so extremely grateful to finally get this one on one time with him to bond and soak him in. 

He is also learning at a truly astounding rate. Not only is he walking around everywhere, but he is starting to follow directions! Yes, you read that correctly. He listens when I say "no", and he walks to the door when I tell him it's time to go somewhere. He's starting to repeat words - and not just easy words either. I was floored the other day when I handed him a cupcake, and he said clear as a bell, "CUP-Kay!" One day he said the word "car" about 50 times. He kept running up the driveway to see our neighbor's pick up truck. All the way he'd say, "car! Car! Car!"

He also has this impressive love of books. The other day he was walking around carrying a book. I asked him to bring it to me to read, and he walked right over with it. Then he crawled into my lap, and smiled and clapped as I read. His favorite book is Pete The Cat I Love My White Shoes. I think more Pete the Cat books will be on his Christmas list.

I feel like I'm learning so much more about Patrick now that we have our special time together. He is so playful and engaging. He truly is a social butterfly. He loves other children but especially other little boys. I think he knows they are his kind! He really loves little people, trucks and instruments. He loves being sung to. And he, like Hartley, is so wonderfully proud of himself when he masters a new skill. 

Hartley and Patrick are incredibly close. I have no idea what I did to create their bond (well, other than the fact that they've been forced to hang out together all day every day up until preschool started). When I stroll Patrick up to pick Hartley up from school, her face lights up. She looks right past me, and runs up to him screaming, "PAAATTICK!" Sometimes we drop off the "R" too. He might learn his name as Pattick ;) They seem to have their own secret language. The other day when I was fixing their dinner, I put them in the family room to watch Sesame Street. They ripped off all the couch cushions, pillows and throws and made a cushion pit. They were wrestling, snuggling and laughing. In that moment all of the craziness of having kids 18 months apart felt so damn worth it. 

Don't get me wrong, our lives right now are still tiring. People still skip naps and get grouchy. I do have to referee fights. But all in all, I'm absolutely loving this new chapter we've just begun. I feel incredibly happy and proud. I feel like this preschool has been a big, positive game changer for our family. 

I know there are big changes and challenges that lie ahead. Soon we need to do the big girl bed transition and start potty training. I'm sure our existence will be turned sideways again. But for now I'm savoring this chapter of marker caps in my boots, poncho-worthy double kid baths, pumpkin obsessions, and Sesame Street snuggles. And oh, looking forward to coordinating Halloween costumes and our first Christmas in our house. I'm getting a mantle for stockings for the first time! (Thanks, dad!) 

Changes

The theme of the last few weeks of our lives has been "changes". Two big things have happened: Patrick has started walking and Hartley has started preschool. 

And I've got to be honest, I am so genuinely excited about both. 

I am absolutely loving watching Patrick do his little baby dinosaur walk around the house. I love his wobbly steps and watching him light up with pride. And somehow this seems to have shifted the sibling dynamic. It feels like it's made them closer, like Hartley is viewing Patrick more like an equal as opposed to a baby. Of course, she's still bossing him around big sister style though!

If I'm out with Patrick without Hartley, people assume he's my first and only, and they give me the whole, "walking is a game changer" spiel. I'll admit, I've been guilty of telling this to first time moms who haven't gotten there yet because it is a fact of life! But with Patrick, it was a good time to start walking. Hartley took her first steps at 10 months; she was a very early walker. And I did not want a repeat of that! But with Hartley now learning to follow directions a little bit better, and having several hours of day of solely wrangling Patrick, his learning to walk actually came at the perfect time for us.

Hartley starting preschool has also been another happy change. The road we traveled the past 7-8 months had been hard and stressful. Both Brian and I are relieved to have received a diagnosis for her and have a plan in place for the next year that is already set into motion. I think because our situation is a little different, I was actually not a sobbing mess about "my baby growing up" when the time to start school arrived. That first day I was mainly just very excited and of course a little nervous for what she would think.

It turns out, our girl loves preschool. She happily holds my hand each day as we walk to drop off. When she sees her teachers she greets them with a hug or goes to hold their hand. It's such a huge relief. She really has transitioned beautifully.

Each day I pick her up and she's happy and tired. Usually there's evidence of the school lunch she tried somewhere on her face and some paint from art center on her clothes. It's an adorable sight. She gets a report everyday; it often reads the same. Every day she's received a smiley for behavior. Every day she's played with friends. She always at least tries her school lunch. I may eventually pack her lunch but I actually decided this would be a fun way to get her to try new foods and so far it's been great.

Her first week of school was Apple theme so they did Apple themed activities, and this week is pumpkin theme. She checked out her first library book. She picked one about the Chinese New Year that hadn't been checked out in years, and it definitely made Brian and I laugh when we saw her silly book choice when it came home in her backpack. 

I also don't want to get too ahead of myself but I swear this preschool is already "helping". Since starting she's been more focused. It's hard to describe and it's not like she's completely done some miraculous 180 but she's more engaged. 

Something I'm learning about children on the autism spectrum (and this is a generalization so I realize it doesn't fit everyone) is that their development is less linear than typically developing children. They tend to have more of a mixture of developments and regressions. This is completely true of Hartley. We can have good weeks followed by a bad week where she's kind of "off" for lack of a better word. But since starting school, we have stayed in an upswing, which is absolutely fantastic. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I just have to say I am so happy with the school system's decision for her to attend this preschool. I really feel like early intervention will be our golden ticket, and I'm so happy that we're moving in the right direction.

Sometimes I think when big changes happen we have the tendency to mourn the past, especially when it comes to our children growing. But right now, I'm just so happy to see both of my children growing and moving forward. While a 1 year old and 2 year old are pretty tiring ages (ok, honestly, exhausting ages), they are also pretty magical. I'm very excited to see what lies ahead for my crazy TODDLERS! That's right, I think now that Patty is walking, I'm a real, bonafide mom of two toddlers!

Life in Pictures

Today I got to thinking about how Hartley will probably start preschool soon. I am so happy and excited for her but I also got to thinking how it was the end of an era. The era of our 3 person crew adventuring together on weekday mornings. 

I often talk about my feelings of inadequacy as a mother. My house is always dirty, I'm always tired, I never look put together anymore, etc. 

But today as I drove home from a park play date I realized something - I'm always so hard on myself in any and every way that I fall short. I almost never toot my horn about the things I do well.

If I were to compile a list or a bunch of pictures of all the things I've done over the last 2 years and 8 months of my life (when I became a stay at home mom), it would go on for days. I often think I'm failing because I look or feel a mess or I'm tired. But I look a mess because I never take time out for myself to to get prettied up, and I'm always tired because I'm always busy making memories with with my kids.

I can't keep up with a blog to chronicle all of the fun things we do because we're busy doing them. 

And I can't possibly come on here and talk about our days. Too much to write. Too much to say and not enough time to say it. 

So I decided to come on here and put up some of my favorite pictures from the past couple months. Park picnics, playgrounds, the petting zoo, the beach, the pool, the town center, the backyard, play dates, nana & poppy field trips, ballet/music lessons/swimming lessons - the list could go on. 

I swear, if I could trade lives with someone - it would be my kids. They have such fun little lives! I'm hoping we have a couple more weeks of this existence before preschool starts and our third musketeer is busy getting her learn on :) 

And this is H on the tennis court today, she said, "Wook! I'm a witch!" Oh yes, the Halloween love is being passed down :)