Pushing

It's kind of crazy that we're more than halfway through November. This month has been very good to our family. We've seen two noteworthy changes/milestones: Hartley moving into her "big girl bed" and Patrick getting his first haircut. We've had a lot of fun enjoying the nice weather though we're not loving how early it now gets dark out! The kids and I have been battling gross colds - 'tis the season. And we've been greatly anticipating the upcoming holidays! 

I've come to my space today to talk a little bit about a new goal we have for Hartley. 

Brian, Patrick and I all had the pleasure of attending Hartley's Thanksgiving luncheon at school. Brian and I had really been looking forward to it. We'd been so eager to see her in her environment with her new friends. The teachers definitely told us it would be more chaotic than their typical day so I was expecting pure craziness but I was amazed at how orderly the class is!

That morning before we left, I was out with Winnie and got to talking to my neighbor. She was telling me to treasure these school events because they really are such special times. We definitely did treasure it. Brian took off work for it. We brought Patrick along. Our whole little family enjoyed the exciting first! 

We did come to realize that Hartley had the most difficulty sitting still and staying in her seat out of all of her classmates. Her teacher had actually brought this up to me recently, and I told her it was a work in progress for us. Its a struggle during every ballet class; she loves to move. But then, being in her classroom and seeing her relative to her classmates, it kind of clicked for Brian and I a little more. We both enjoyed our time but I think afterwards we both kind of felt like we haven't been pushing her as hard as we should. 

Something that I'm learning firsthand is how differently people learn. I always have thought that if you told your child what to do and modeled it yourself, your child would just learn it. It's pretty wild but as Patrick grows, I'm watching things just click very naturally for him. Whereas with Hartley, we have to actively teach her things, and even then, our "teaching" doesn't always work. 

Brian and I are both very soft parents. Instinctually, we like to see our children happy. So sometimes when we try to teach Hartley things, and we see her struggle and become frustrated, we pull back a little. 

Hartley, while very intelligent, naturally struggles a little bit more with following directions, learning self care, etc. And while she is a really happy kid, she gets very frustrated when things are hard for her, which is understandable. Brian and I hate seeing her feel frustrated and defeated so we stop pushing her. 

Well, on Thanksgiving lunch day, I felt like such a bad mom. Hartley was the only child who didn't want to sit in her seat to eat. I was going to let her just get up and walk around because I didn't want to cause a scene but her teacher made her sit. Hartley hated it but her teacher pushed her to do it anyway. She talked to us about making her sit at home. 

Both Brian and I turned to each other when we got in the car, and we could tell what the other was thinking - we have to start trying harder. I think we have to start accepting that some things aren't going to come naturally so we have to push more. Sometimes we're going to have to work on and practice things with Hartley that might come more naturally to other kids. 

We love that our daughter is happy. She truly is a wonderfully spirited, sweet, happy child. Neither of us want to become hard asses but we need to start raising the bar. Just because something is unpleasant and hard, doesn't mean we can avoid or continue to postpone learning it.

There's such a delicate balance in raising children. You need to push but also comfort. You want them to be happy but you also want them to grow and move forward, even if it's challenging to do so. For me, this is actually my biggest challenge as a parent. I think I'll be struggling with balance as long as I live. 

Our first night of having her sit for dinner, we tried to get her to take 5 bites of her dinner. She's atypical in the way that she doesn't understand things like "take 5 bites of your meal and you get dessert". She's a picky eater, and at this point, she can't be reasoned with. So we actually were unable to get her to take any bites of her dinner. We tried very hard and stayed strong for what seemed like an eternity. She ultimately broke down and began trying to get herself to throw up. Don't worry, if anyone hosts us for dinner we won't be pushing this hard at your house so you'll be spared that lovely episode ;) She crawled into Brian's lap and clung to him. She hit him a couple times, and continued to cry.

It was pretty pathetic but both Brian and I started tearing up. We felt so bad for her. It was awful. We weren't crying because she didn't eat her green beans; we cried because she just doesn't understand what we're saying. It's actually really heartbreaking to try to talk to your child and realize they are frustrated because they can't understand what you're asking of them. Earlier I referenced how different brains are. It's sometimes hard for us to watch things click for Patrick at 15 months that Hartley has struggled with for a long time and is only starting to get at close to 3 years. 

Despite not eating dinner, we did cave, and she ate freeze dried apples. We were trying to use those as a reward for trying 5, then 3, then 1 bite of her actual dinner. We were able to get her to sit and stay at the table eating freeze dried apples though, which was a victory for us. 

Tonight she might've eaten a bite or two of her actual dinner. We then gave her a yogurt pouch, and she was able to sit at the table for 14 minutes.

I write about this to come back and revisit. To remember on the days that I don't feel like fighting these battles, that there is a point to them. She is capable of learning. She will get there. But she needs my help - and Brian's help. And even if I think that this should come more easily than it does, that doesn't really matter. Everyone's journey to learn things is different. It might take longer but she will get there. I need to push myself to push her. Yesterday night was my wake up call to keep forging on. 

Soon I'll come on here and share all of the super cute little moments that have compiled this month but today I had to write this. As we roll into Thanksgiving I'm feeling very thankful for so many things but I'm already feeling that New Year's urge to start anew, too. This is my little way to hold myself accountable.