Still Waiting. Last post until I have news.

After today, I'll take a little break from blogging. I love writing about my feelings but I'll try to keep them in check on my own until the day we get results. Then I'll blog away - either way.

As the transfer continues to get closer (let me tell ya - this IVF stuff is full of preparation for every part), my doubts begin to creep in.

I thought about it all as I drove home from work yesterday. I thought about how if it doesn't work, I'm going to break. Then I thought, look at how many times I said I was breaking when in fact I just kept getting stronger and pushing on even harder than before. I've drawn so many imaginary lines I said I couldn't cross but then when it came down to it, I made that imaginary line my bitch.

I told God not to make me do IVF because I wasn't strong enough. And here I am, almost completely done a full round - bruised (literally...) but even not close to broken.

I told Brian the other day how it is absolutely incredible that there are days where I just feel like I can't keep going. Those are the days it feels like I keep trying to climb a mountain and someone keeps kicking me down. I decide I've had enough failure, I can't take any more, and I'm going to quit. Then this extreme desire to be a mother just overcomes me, and I decide there's not a damn thing that will stop me.

Baby Crane, you are not even baking yet. You're sitting in a freezer in Arlington. I've never seen you even as a little bean on a sonogram. I've never heard the words "you're pregnant" from the doctor's mouth.  All the mothers I know around me can look into their children's eyes and tell them there's nothing they wouldn't do for them. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I don't know anyone who worked harder to bring a child into their life than I have. Just know that I'm trying my very best, and I'll always try my very best with you. And you, your dad, Winnie and I are gonna have one hell of a party when you get here.

In a few weeks, I'll know whether or not this has worked. Until then, there will likely be the sound of crickets when you visit my blog...