Disclaimer: I know everything will be okay. But I'm writing this to help me process things. And I don't want to talk to anyone right now. It was hard enough for me to talk to Brian.
The appointment started off great. Baby girl is looking gorgeous. You can see her facial features very well now. She has beautiful lips. A very sweet looking button nose. I actually got a decent profile shot of her. She is estimated to weigh 3 pounds, 2 ounces, and she is measuring at the 30 week mark. She is head down. Yay! She moved during the ultrasound. Usually she's as lazy as can be!
We got to my part of the appointment. They asked how I was feeling. I said I was tired and lightheaded but I knew that was normal. The nurse said, "it's a little early for that". In my head I just thought, "another bitch telling me I'm a wuss". How's this for wussy? My 24 hour urine test came back that I'm anemic, even with the iron I'm taking. No one told me that. So for the past 6 weeks my chart said that I'm anemic. No one told me. And this is why I get so tired and dizzy after being on my feet. I got bumped up to a higher dose of iron. They said it will take a while for it to take effect and to get me back to normal.
So I figured, ok, cool. I asked if I was good to go, and the doctor said no.
She couldn't lecture me about my weight. I'm up 10 pounds. Wonder what this is about.
She wanted to talk about my ultrasound. She asked if I knew about anatomy. I kind of know that stuff actually so I told her that I know a little. Then she tells me that something didn't look right with the baby's brain. She said her left ventricle was prominent. She looked at me to see my response but I just stared and looked blankly at her. What else was I supposed to do. I asked what this meant and what was going on. She told me a radiologist would review it. They want me to come back in two weeks to check again, unless the radiologist thinks it needs to be sooner. She said it is likely nothing - a 10% chance. The fact that it has only shown on one scan is good. She said if it is abnormal in two weeks, they will pass me off to a specialist who can help. I decided I wouldn't cry in front of her. But it was painfully obvious that she and I were both uncomfortable.
She walked me up to the receptionist to help me make the appointment. Right before she began talking about the appointment, she turned to me and asked if I was comfortable with waiting a full two weeks. I said yes. I didn't want to say no, even though no is the real answer.
She looked at me with a very sweet look and told me to rest, to take it easy. And I told her I would.
I walked on to the elevator to be greeted by the perkiest pregnant woman. She too is due with a little girl in the beginning of February. She was all smiles. I tried to be too. Secretly wondering, how are your baby's ventricles?
As soon as I got in my car, I cried. I'm not dumb. I know statistics. I know 10% isn't much. But I also know its still easy to fall in to that 10% group. I cried because I just saw my beautiful daughter then had a doctor tell me she might have a problem. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. There's nothing I can do to help my baby.
I needed to cry on that car ride home. I needed to not talk to anyone about it.
Then I got home and had to tell Brian. He asked if he could call. I told him no, I'd text him the details. I hate people seeing or hearing me cry. We're both processing this.
And no, we're not over reacting. We're letting it sink in. Then staying optimistic.
But as I write this, the walls are spinning a little. I'm having a little trouble taking deep breaths.
I know it will be ok but I can't hear that from anyone right now. This blog might turn back in to my therapist over the next few days.
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