Perspective

Lately life has been wonderful. There is something amazingly powerful about fresh air and sunshine. Once we started seeing days consistently in the 50's and above I felt like I was reborn. I actually think spring might be my new favorite season.

I've stopped blogging for the most part. The truth is there's not much to say. Every entry would look the same. Life is good. We spend a lot of time on walks, on the soccer field or at the playground. And while Brian and I are finding every damn thing Hartley does to be adorable beyond words, I'm sure most of the world doesn't share our same fascination. 

But yesterday I finally felt inspired to write a blog. 

While life has been absolutely wonderful lately, I still carry around a lot of minuscule worries. They are pretty silly things to worry about but they're the things that are big in my life currently. 

I'm scared for Patrick's arrival. I'm scared to go through child birth. I now know what to expect, and it isn't easy. I'm scared for the post partum period. I'm scared for the newborn phase. I'm scared to attempt breastfeeding again. I'm scared to juggle two very young children. I'm scared for how everything will affect Hartley. I'm scared that it will be a long time before life feels easy again. Like I said, I know these fears will strike many as trivial but they are still the fears I have. Ok, trivial isn't the correct word here. They aren't trival worries as much as they are good worries to have because they are the worries that accompany a baby. 

Brian and I have also been talking about making a big change in about a year. It's not another baby so don't even go there! I'm not putting it on the blog since it's still very far away. My close friends and family have heard us talk about it, and they're probably laughing at how silly I am. I truly worry about changes that aren't even that crazy of changes - and changes that are far away. I second guess and think of all the hard parts. So yeah, I'm worried about something we've discussed doing in a year, that's a very happy, positive, exciting thing. 

So like I said, life has been great but even still I'm not totally living worry-free. 

But yesterday things clicked for me.

We were going to visit my grandparents in Maryland. I'm very fortunate to still have 3 of my grandparents still living, which means H has met 3 of her great grandparents. Pretty amazing. 

As we were driving out, we were running late. We left about 5 minutes later than my latest cut off time. Hartley had napped long even though I purposely put her down for her nap very early. I was already stressed about that but then I was sitting in the car worrying more. What if she poops, and we have to take a diaper change detour? What if she starts flipping out and cries the whole way? What if she melts down when we get there or she makes a total mess? If you're the parent of a small child, these fears may sound familiar. Of course, we missed our exit. It wasn't a big deal but I worried that we were going to be even later. 

Well guess what happened? We got there a little late. But guess what else? My grandparents weren't mad or disappointed. There were just happy to see us. Even though Hartley was running around like a whirling dervish, they just lit up watching her. Hartley smiled, laughed and had fun. So did they and so did we. Everything was fine. Then she left and visited my grandma in her rehab center (she just suffered a stroke). Again, everything went wonderfully. Hartley ran around and danced and chased bubbles, putting on her little show. My grandma smiled and lit up watching her. And nothing went awry. 

Everyone had fun. All went well. And Hartley even slept in her carseat on the way home. But I wasted an hour on the drive over worrying. 

On the way home I looked back and thought, "how silly am I?" 

We spent time with 4 generations under the same roof. It was a beautiful thing. Everyone was happy. My grandparents were happy to see us, and we enjoyed seeing them. I think they truly treasure getting to see a baby toddle about since it's been a very long time since my cousins and I have been that small. They weren't sweating the small stuff in that moment - so why the hell was I? The beautiful wisdom that comes with age.

It's hard but I need to let the little stuff go. Things will sometimes slip around me. That's ok. I need to stop worrying about the bad parts of things. The truth is, Patrick is a miracle in the truest sense of the word. I am beyond blessed to be pregnant, especially because it was very difficult (understatement) for me to conceive Hartley. I'm growing human life. I'll be welcoming my son. And it will be difficult but someday these baby days will be gone. While they can be exhausting, they are fleeting, and I will one day miss them. 

As long as life can be, it will still always be too short. 

So I took Hartley for a walk this morning - both in our pajamas. I savored being able to push that big stroller with my big babe. Even though my pregnant back can get achy, I remembered to savor what I was doing. I was breathing in misty rain soaked air and listening to Hartley kick her feet around and laugh about nothing. Life is wonderful. It's never perfect but wonderful. These days of just her and I are numbered so I'll soak them up and appreciate them and try not to live in fear of what is to come.

I realize this entry is a little cheesy but I'm hoping it reminds others (especially on a Monday) not to sweat the small stuff and appreciate the good stuff. If we could all focus more on the positive and less on the negative, what a wonderful world it would be. I'm constantly trying to be the best person I can be. I will inevitably fail at times (that's life) but today I'm motivated not to take things for granted. 

Hartley has brought me a copius amount of perspective on life. But sometimes it slips away in the doldrums of the day to day. Seeing the joy she brings to those much closer to the end of life than the beginning refreshes that perspective. These are the days, and it's time to enjoy them without getting bogged down in worries.