Friday, January 31, 2014

The last bit of us time

It's funny. I don't like to think too much about it being my last bit of time that's just Brian and I. It makes me cry and makes me realize that our relationship will be changing. 

By no means have we been robbed of "just the two of us time". We met in November 2006, so it's been over 7 years of childless time, which not everyone gets. But it seems so final. Which is silly because we have the worlds best baby sitters available - my parents. And when she's a little older, I'm happy to fund the neighborhood girls' mall trips by hiring them to baby sit miss h. 

I thought this last bit I'd want to squeeze in all these activities. But the truth is I'm pretty tired, and I really just want to curl up on the couch with him.

Last night he sat on the toilet seat talking to me while I took a bubble bath. That's not remotely special, not like some fancy dinner or exotic vacation, but that's what I'll miss. Our ordinary "just being together".

I'm scared to become "just a mom" or him "just a dad". So I need to cherish this last bit but make an effort to remember our wife/husband roles should not be lost. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

39 weeks.

How far along: 39 weeks. Fun fact, this is when a woman is considered 9 months pregnant, since 40 weeks is a bit longer than 9 months. 
Total weight gain: 15 pounds
Maternity clothes: yes
Stretch marks: they are out of control, thank goodness I don't have much more growing to do
Best moment of this week: receiving our first freezer meals from friends. You know it can't be long if you're already getting that freezer stocked.
Miss anything: sleeping, bending over, lunch meat (like a really good Italian sub), and alcohol
Movement: good movement, she's strong now
Food cravings? You name it, I want it, and I wanted it 5 minutes ago! Brian is now used to grocery runs for cherry Garcia, heart shaped sugar cookies and Reese's eggs. But I love a good dinner - that someone else cooks!
Anything making you sick or queasy? Overeating
Have you started to show? Um, strangers do the "you're about to pop" and "it's gotta be a big baby" thing so yeah, I'm showing.
Gender? Girl.
Belly button in or out? In. Success! Please stay this way.
Wedding rings on or off? Off
Happy or moody? 90% of the time I am very moody and irritable, and I can't even lie about it. My ability to put up with crap is usually very high but lately the slightest bit of nastiness sets me off. Beware.
Looking forward to: meeting Hartley. I've dreamt of this for a long time and it is so surreal that its about to happen.

I can't believe it's 39 weeks. Feels like yesterday was the day of my dad's retirement party, and I was sneakily taking a pregnancy test while Brian was at the gym. I don't know what people are talking about about pregnancy going slow, it flew. I won't miss it but it did go fast. 

I am nervous and excited. I have days where I cry - worried I won't be good at taking care of a newborn or scared that I won't know what to do. I worry if she'll like me and if we'll form that instant bond that we're supposed to. All I want is to be the best mom off the bat, and that's a lot of pressure! But I have days where I just wish I could have her safe in my arms already, and I get my "Christmas morning" moment with her. 

Today I need to finish my hospital bag, though it sounds like she's waiting until her scheduled induction. And this weekend Brian and I will do a bit of walking so she gets the memo to drop a little!

So how's this for wild:
6 days until Winnie gets dropped off at my parents' house
7 days (just a week!) until we check in to the hospital 
8 days (knock on wood) until we meet our daughter 


Friday, January 17, 2014

about this blog

So I am struggling with the idea of making this blog private. Amazingly, it managed to gain a little following, and my friends and family use it to keep up with things. And I really like that they do.

I started this blog 100% for myself. I was going through some uncharted territory in my life and had no mentor who had been through it to help me. This became an outlet for me to sort out what I was feeling, even when I didn't even fully understand it myself.

I continued during pregnancy when a couple friends urged me to. Pregnancy is a road far more traveled than infertility but since it is still uncharted territory for me, I've found blogging continues to be  therapeutic.

In a matter of weeks I will transition to another personally uncharted realm, motherhood. And blogging about that, along with chatting about the life and times of Hartley, sounds like it will be the most fun (and probably therapeutic) of all.

While I do blog mainly for myself, there is a message to my blog entries that I want people to take away from them. I want people to know that I am far from perfect. 

So many women love to keep up a facade of always having all of their shit together all of the time.

 I have actually been at the point in pregnancy where I was puking 4-5 times a day and had a woman say to me, "well, that's strange, all my pregnancies were wonderful." And I remembered thinking, "thank you for kicking me while I'm down. How big of you." 

But that's the world we live in, especially as women. We can log on to Facebook/Instagram/whatever social media I don't even know about yet, and see a hundred pictures of perfection. We see flawless looking culinary victories, amazing vacation spots, massive engagement rings, perfectly staged interior designs, selfies of people on their perfect hair days, and smiling adorable babies. And while it's wonderful to share our triumphs and cheer each other on, sometimes we seem to be living not just to share our happiness but to paint pictures of perfection that could bring out the green eyed monster in the best of people. 

This blog has pictures of me smiling with my giant belly, only in the maternity clothes I deem photo worthy. It has pictures of a nursery I am incredibly proud of. It has entries where I ooze about my love for my husband or talk about the amazing good luck streak that's going on. But I also am very open in sharing things on here that people might not always advertise to others. Yeah, I have budget talks with my husband, and while I think our marriage is the best I've ever seen in real life, we don't always agree. Yeah, I'll tell you about my nervous breakdowns or the horrendous funk I'm in. I will tell you the not so pretty things, like stretch marks, weight gain, leaky boobs and uncontrollable tears. I openly advertised every single set back or failure during fertility treatment. I let you know about vomiting bile for a few weeks there.

I don't put the bad stuff on here so that people feel sorry for me or to embarrass myself or others. I put it on here because, if people do read this, I want them to know that this is REAL life. These are REAL feelings. If you can relate, I'm sending a virtual high five your way. 

I will never be the woman who makes another person feel like a freak. I will never be the one to kick you while you're down. I will always be a genuine person because I personally believe that trait to be one of the most valuable that a person can possess. 

I am human - with a big personality and a foul mouth. And I have feelings. Hell, I have a whole lot of feelings these days. But when I share them, I'm hoping people can take it for what it is. A person being honest and real. I truly feel if we had more honest people in this world, it would be a much better place. We could all feel a little less inadequate and a little more "normal". Whatever the hell "normal" is.

The empty hospital bag.

So at 37 weeks, 1 day, my hospital bag has nothing in it. Most first time moms generally pack early to have all their bases covered. Second time moms usually say they like to be packed around the time they are full term. And I'm the weirdo who can't pack her bag.

I am a planner. Hartley's nursery was painted and her furniture purchased before we even knew her gender. And a few weeks ago I deemed the nursery ready for its occupant and have hardly had to touched it since. In fact, I put her linens on so early I'm wondering if they'll accumulate dust before she arrives. 

And for the most part, I've hated pregnancy so much that I wanted it to end as soon as it was safe enough for it to end.

But now I feel like it just went so fast. I'm in denial that she is going to enter this world without having me as a constant shell of protection. And I don't know how ready I am, though there's nothing I could possibly do to prepare myself more. It's like a test you've studied for non stop, you know as much as your brain can hold, but you can't shake those butterflies (and you might even pray for a snow day).

I know I'm holding myself to incredibly high standards but after so much build up over the years, I just want to be perfect for her. I will make mistakes but I don't want to. 

And the second I load things in that bag I'm going to realize that we can't stay like this forever. I can't just hold her in and not take the next big leap. 

At the same time, I am excited to welcome her in to the world. And I need to realize that even when she's here I can still be her bubble of comfort and safety - just not the literal version that I currently am. I can't even fathom what it will be like on her birth day or what it will feel like to hold her in my arms. But I need to focus on that and use that image to spur the packing process. 

Keep your fingers crossed that I at least start packing today. It's time to realize motherhood isn't just some dream that will never come to fruition. In a few weeks, it will very much be my reality. 




Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The differences between men and women. And money matters.

The past few weeks I have noticed how different Brian and I are handling the end of pregnancy. I am not bashing on my husband but I'm going to address this as its something no one ever shared with me.

My husband and I are the same in a lot of ways. We have similar values. We are low key, generally easy going people. Neither of us are extravagant; we're quite simple with our needs. 

My husband is frugal, with a capital F, folks. And I'm the woman who rarely buys new clothes and almost never spends more than 50 bucks on a dress. Hell, my wedding dress was $400 - and that seemed like the world's biggest splurge ever. I wear $2.50 old navy flip flops in the summer and every nice pair of shoes I own are from DSW or a gift. My tennis shoes last 4-5 years easily. And my husband has more shoes and higher end clothing than I own myself. Yes, he has way more shoes than I do. And the price tag of a pair of his shoes equals like 4 pairs of mine. Not kidding.

Yesterday night, we're sitting on the couch. He was eating a homemade dinner (not expensive take out!), and he says we need to talk about our budget. Sometimes he might not say this in an accusatory way but seeing as how I'm not bringing in an income, I sometimes take it that way. And this is when I lost it. I did ask where all our money was going before I lost it. There was a small part of me wondering if Brian was blowing money on something I don't know about because let me tell you, I'm not blowing our money. Apparently we just had a big grocery run for freezer meals, and we spent a lot at Target buying baby essentials (no, not clothes). We also just paid our yearly tax bill, 6 month car insurance bill, and are basically forking over tons of money for my (our?) ultrasounds. And I know my vitamins are 60 bucks a month at Target. We still haven't even gotten my hospital bill yet. Ugh.

Now we're supposed to talk about a budget. Here's the thing, we aren't losing money, we just aren't saving it. And I'm okay with that for this second in time. We put money away for this baby for this reason. And yeah, she's coming right after Christmas and during the year of weddings (I'm sure bridal showers and baby showers will be popping up like crazy as per usual at this age). 

I told Brian if he gives me specific changes, I'll make them. I say this knowing he can't tell me to change my ways. I was sitting there in a pair of maternity pants on lone to me, a top my mom bought me and a pair of fuzzy Target socks that Santa brought me. Yeah, bubble burst - I don't lounge in designer clothes from Nordstrom.

But to get to the hormonal outburst of tears, it's amazing how men and women are so different.

My husband counts down to Hartley in days, checks marked off on a list, and the dollars and cents of it all. He'll whine about how he might pass out during delivery, jokingly tease me about my body never being the same, and view his paternity leave as 2 weeks of vacation to hang out with his kid before his life jumps back to normal. He will be a great dad, but his responsibilities lie more in the financial and weekend departments. 

In the past couple weeks, I struggle with every emotion in the book. Will I like being a mom? Will I be good at it? Was leaving work and undertaking a 24/7 commitment to a human life a good decision? Because it sounds really scary. Can she stay in longer so I'm more ready? Can you take her out now so I can stop toting around a small person inside of me? Will I ever have the body I had on my wedding day - I mean, do stretch marks and loose skin ever go away? Will I someday get back to building my career and still be a stellar mom? And when will that happen so I can know. And for the love of God, please let her be healthy when she gets here! I mean, pneumonia right at the fucking end? Seriously? 

So when Brian wanted to sit down and talk about money, I really wanted to say, " hey buddy, that's your job. Work out a REASONABLE budget, give me guidelines, and I'll fucking stick to them. But for the next couple months, let me finish growing our kid, shove her out the birth canal, learn how to use my boobs as feeding tools, and live on 3 hours of sleep a night, mkay?" Newsflash, I've never done this before, and yeah, it's priority one in my book. 

No one wins in these situations. I know Brian needs to talk to me when he's stressed. But I had to admit to him yesterday that I couldn't carry an extra worry right now. I can continue to be mindful of how I spend money but we saved up money for a reason and adding to savings just isn't on the front burner for me right now. As much as I love to be there for my husband, I asked that maybe for now he can just be there for me. He said he could. He said its hard because I'm usually the strong one who remains calm and carries us. And while there's definite truth to that, right now I need his love and support so I can make the biggest adjustment of my entire life. Then we can sit down and talk dollars and cents.

We will work out a budget after Hartley arrives. Brian thinks it'll be a week after she's born but I have a feeling he might be in for a rude awakening of what he's thinking about a week in to her life. We've made some awesome financial decisions during our marriage, and even if we're not stockpiling cash right now, I know we'll be back there again someday. 

This is marriage. We've been together for a long time. We've been through a lot. But we are always working on this thing. Men and women are not the same. My husband wants a big bank account. I want our daughter to get here safely and to be good at this mom thing. That's wonderful and awful at the same time. And I want Hartley to see this. Not to burst hopes of a fairy tale (Brian can be a Prince Charming) but communication and compromise are life. 

At this point, Brian can analyze the bank account. I'm going to hunker down and pray for daylight :)



Tuesday, January 14, 2014

37 week appointment and a mama who needs her mama.


Well there she is - Hartley Glenn in 3D!

We had an interesting appointment this morning. It was 2 hours! Which Brian wasn't thrilled about. Here we are in the waiting room: him grumpy, me crying. But I'll get to that.

At first glance, Hartley was looking perfect. Beautiful. Even has hair. She is estimated to weigh 6 pounds, 12 ounces.

Then we spent 30 minutes in the sonogram room. We were just waiting for Hartley to "practice breathing". This is her first appointment where she didn't :(

Frustrating because I was already concerned with the pneumonia affecting her. So far on all her biophysical exams, she has always scored a perfect 8 out of 8. Today she scored a 6 out of 8. She wouldn't practice breathing and her movement was low. 

I was weighed. I'm up 13 pounds. They did a cervical check - long and closed so she's not trying to get here. We talked about my pneumonia. Then I asked if we could go and the doctor told me she was debating having us do an Non Stress Test to make sure Hartley wasn't in fetal distress. 

I know she decided yes because I was stressed out. If Hartley didn't absolutely need that test, I needed it. 

They sent us back to the waiting room to wait for the NST. Hence the Brian being grumpy and me crying. I was crying in part because I was worried and in part because Brian seemed so preoccupied with how the length of the appointment was affecting him. I swear, sometimes I don't understand men... at all. 

Well, we got called back, and they hooked me up to monitors. They gave me a lollipop and ice cold water to drink to get her moving. I pushed a button every time she kicked. The point being her heart rate should always be up, especially during movement. So I laid there for a while, and when the doctor eventually came back in she said the baby did fine. Brian asked how they gauged it, and she showed us the graph the machine printed and explained it to us. 

In the car, I told Brian I was sorry it took longer but that he needed to understand how important them monitoring the baby is. I worry about Hartley so much already, and it sometimes disturbs me that Brian doesn't have the same sort of reaction. He told me that when he's stressed he gets grumpy. I get it but I can't lie, it doesn't help me. I hope he can keep his cool during delivery because to be blunt, it's far scarier for me than it is for him. 

The past few days haven't been a ball. Though today I do feel like I'm actually on the mend. There has been other stuff going on the past couple days that will not be featured on the blog. 

Though on a very positive note, my mom and I have been connecting very well. She's called every day since Friday to check in on me and has offered several times to help me however she can. That's saying a lot as she has a lot going on in her own life. And it's funny how even when you're 28, your mom worries about you, and it's comforting that she still wants to take care of you. We also had a major breakthrough. My aunt told my mom that because my pregnancy has been difficult that she shouldn't pressure me to have more kids. And my mom said she was sorry that this pregnancy thing hasn't been fair, and she would completely understand if I choose never to do it again. I know that is my decision to make but it was a relief hearing that I wouldn't be getting grief about it from someone who's opinion matters to me. 

She taught me to play the Pollyanna game - to find the positive wherever it is. So when she said she can't believe all the shit that has come my way, I responded with, "but I'm lucky to be pregnant." And she gave me permission to whine and admit that it just hasn't been fair. And I think it was the first time I said out loud, "this isn't fair."

She has also talked about taking off work the day of the induction. My brother is talking about how he's going to be on his "A game" the first time he holds Hartley. I get lots of sweet excited/countdown texts from friends. I love the enthusiasm. It's helping me to shake a little bit of my nervousness. 

We have 3 weeks, 3 days until she will definitely be here. I haven't packed my hospital bag. I'm a nervous wreck over her. And I flip flop between wanting time to slow down and wanting my sweet angel in my arms. Let the roller coaster ride continue...

Monday, January 13, 2014

Finished nursery & some goodies (pictures finally!)

Since I'm not feeling awesome I decided to write a fun blog entry to get me all hyped for the 24 days left before Hartley's due date! 

I'm doing this just like how I did the last nursery entry with numbered photos so you can choose to read captions or just look at pictures.

And this is the "bright version" of her nursery. Her other linens are more muted in color so they give the room a softer vibe. But I think this is a really fun version to share. And excuse the fact that I don't own some swanky camera, these are all from my iPhone 4S. So I like to think this looks better in person...

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1. Brian put together the video monitor! Success! Works perfectly. And I bought the adorable little heart bowl at Target ($1.79!) to put odds and ends in, ie pacis, hair bows, whatever.

2. The changing station is complete with a changing pad and a bin for diapers, wipes, etc. We also hung our wet bag to the left for dirty diapers. 

3. The glider/reading corner. I got the adorable wall hanging as a shower gift. The artist who makes them does the most amazing work, and this randomly just worked really well in Hartley's nursery. I usually avoid buying people wall art because its such a matter of personal taste but this worked great! It did mean I had to shuffle around other pieces but everything still fits in the room.

4. The wall with her crib and hamper.

5. Love this. My brother's girlfriend bought me this piece of art from etsy. It is far more gorgeous in person even. I am just so in love with it. I found the frame for 8 bucks at home goods. It was a bit small for such a big wall so I crafted the "sweet Hartley" garland myself to hang over it to give a little extra oomph.

6. The deer hamper. I registered for this with every intention of keeping it in the closet so the room wouldn't be cluttered. Well, it was far too cute to be shoved in a closet. It was one of the few duplicate shower gifts. But I love it so much I kept both. I think one will eventually be used as a toy bin or some other storage.

7. Her closet. Not completely sorted yet but getting there. And no, that's not even her whole closet - it's 2/3 of it. 

8. Toy bin. This has to be kept in her closet so big sister Winnie doesn't tear everything to shreds. And she would. In less than an hour... Easily.

9. Totally a gift my mom would get me - and I love them. One is Hartley's baby book, though age 5! The other is an amazing idea - a calendar to mark her firsts complete with milestone stickers. 

10. ... And I'm my mother's daughter because I had already started her memory box. Stuffed with cards, ultrasound photos, and my "girl" fortune from my fortune cookie. The other box is full of pacifiers. Brian and I are determined to contain baby clutter as much as humanly possible.

11. So this was a very generous Christmas gift from my sister in law and her fiancé. My Kate Spade diaper bag. I love it for many reasons but here are my top two. 1. You can easily use this after the diaper years. It would make a great overnight bag or a great bag for a day out when you've got lots to tote around. 2. I know more than most women my age what a privilege getting to be a mom is, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to not have to look "mommy-like" all the time. Like I've said, some women own the mom hair cut or the use of the word "stinkin" - I am not one of them. I prefer to be me, with an adorable baby to boot. So I love that this bag doesn't scream "I'm a mom".

12. Oh melt my heart I love this. This was a shower gift from my cousin. The sleep sheep. Plays the sweetest sounds to lull baby to relax and sleep. Not to mention, it's adorable. I need one for my room.

13 -15. Outfits! I wish I could post pictures of all of them but these are some favorites. And I'm seriously thinking the one with the bunny ears for her Easter outfit this year. Too cute.

16 & 17. So my friend buys these for her kids, and I think they are so cute. Baby legs - baby leg warmers! They get tons of awesome reviews and are supposed to make diaper changes a breeze. My friend gifted me the heart ones. Perfect for Hartley's first spring. And I had actually bought her Christmas ones... A couple days after learning she was a girl :)



















Sunday, January 12, 2014

So apparently this isn't a one day thing...

So on Friday I was like, "pneumonia, whatever, no big deal." Yesterday I woke up and thought the same. So Brian and I were quick to get to work on errands. Well all of a sudden, we're in Target, our cart with last minute baby things and some stuff for dinner, and I realize I don't feel well. I feel dizzy and exhausted. I found a bench, Brian checked out, and I got in to bed as soon as we got home. I fell asleep and woke up feeling even worse.

The cold like symptoms really aren't that bad. It's the achey, weak, light headedness that is killing me. I feel like someone drained the life out of me.  It really only feels good to be laying in bed, chugging tea. And I HATE it. It's nice out today. Well, nice enough for a bundled up walk or being out enjoying this weekend. And our last weekends without baby are extremely numbered. But I'm in bed sick.

Brian is chugging along getting everything done. He put together the video monitor, hung nursery wall art, installed the car seat, bought groceries and is assembling freezer meals. He had a long honey do list and is just checking things off like no one's business and then taking tasks I was leaving for myself. In between things, he's bringing me water, tea and soup. He's done all the cooking this weekend. And I have been useless. 

And guess what I just learned, folks? Pneumonia isn't like a one or two day thing. For healthy young adults they can look forward to 1-2 weeks of recovery! Are you serious? I'm hoping its the same for women who are over 8 months pregnant because I have a baby that will be here in 3 weeks, 5 days at the latest. 

Ugh. 

We see Hartley on Tuesday so I'm really hoping she's faring better than I am. 

Come on, pneumonia. You can exit any time now. We have a girl who needs a mama with energy! 


Saturday, January 11, 2014

Pneumonia.

So I think I may have touched on this in my blog but I tried not to delve in to it much because I know how whiny a woman with health maladies sounds. The Thursday before last I thought Hartley was trying to kill me. I was struggling so hard to breathe and was only managing shallow breaths. It kept me from sleeping and left me crying. I told Brian if I were a trained doctor I literally would've doctor her out of me that night, the struggle for air felt that urgent.

I tried calling the doctor the next day. Which ended in me complaining to Brian, "Those bitches/twats/other explicatives took a fucking snow day!"

Then Tuesday night I had sharp stabbing pain under my ribs on the right side. It hurt to breath or yawn. Thank goodness I had a doctors appointment the next day; I decided just to mention it then. Well, I mentioned the doctor and ultrasound tech's theories in my blog. But the doctor told me to call next time it happened. Thursday night I again struggled for air. So yesterday when breathing got tough in the late afternoon, I decided to call. I was really embarrassed to call. 

I was even more embarrassed when they told me to go to the ER. I debated even telling Brian because at this point I just felt like a wuss. But I told him they said I should go to the ER so he was awesome and left work at 5:30 to take me.

The whole time in the waiting room I talked about how silly I was. Being a first time mom sucks. We always get the crazy pants reputation. But the one thing about me is this - I can't lie, I always look and seem great when I'm sick. It's the worst. I will be barfing in a trash can an hour before I see you, and you'll be none the wiser. I'll have kidney stones and be laughing. So I'm sitting in the ER just looking like I have no business being there. But I just tell everyone I come in to contact with, "I know how silly I sound but my doctor told me to come in if I have trouble breathing."

Well after doing some blood work, an EKG and a chest x ray, the doctor was like, "you have pneumonia". I was thinking, oh thank God. Just pneumonia. I can handle that. My crazy pants self was paranoid about having a blood clot in my lung since I have been awful about sticking to my aspirin regimen. 

They gave me my first dose of antibiotics right then and there. And soon I'll venture out to fill my prescription.

I'm going to take it easy, load up on the fluids and take my medicine. Apparently pneumonia can be quite dangerous when you're pregnant. I'm more worried about Brian getting this and having it when Hartley comes, and then her getting it. The dangerous part of pneumonia during pregnancy is that it can lead to pre term birth or low birth weight, both of which are moot points for us now. I just want to get better without spreading it. 

So add this one to the list of pregnancy annoyances! Seriously, what's a girl got to do to catch a break around here?!

And my apologies to little baby girl who is now having her mama pass along a third round of antibiotics during pregnancy. God, please let all the crazy shit I've taken not hurt her. She can't help that her mom is not a pregnancy goddess!!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

36 weeks.

How far along? 36 weeks
Total weight gain? 14 pounds
Maternity clothes? Yes
Stretch marks? Of course
Best moment of this week? Officially getting the induction date. When they called and told me the plan, I cried happy tears. I can't believe we are meeting our daughter so soon.
Miss anything? At this tail end, I do miss things but it's kind of crazy how the past few days I've been treasuring this last bit of time with her inside me instead of my usual friending for booze and lunch meat. 
Movement: pretty damn active lately. Still lucky that I enjoy kicks as opposed to other women who find them painful.
Food cravings? No notable cravings.
Anything making you sick or queasy? Nothing notable.
Have you started to show? I'm not even answering this next week :) of course I'm showing. 
Gender: girl
Belly button? Still in
Wedding rings on or off? Off. Will be so weird to start wearing them again - feels like forever since I did.
Happy or moody? Honestly, very happy. Yeah, you feel uncomfortable at this point but it doesn't even hold a candle to the miserable first 20 weeks so I'm enjoying it most of the time!
Looking forward to: I am excited to meet Hartley but I'm also trying to not look forward too much. I'm trying to really savor my last bit with Brian and Winnie. Our lives are about to change forever, I'm really excited about that but I will always treasure time as a family of 3 - just us and our pup :)

Today I looked back on some old blog entries. I loved looking back on entries like finding out I was pregnant and finding out it was a little girl. And I'll always be proud to look at the earliest entries and remembering just how lucky I am to be here. 

You want to hear something totally wild? If my first round of Clomid had worked, I would have been due February 7, 2013. Amazing that Hartley will likely be born on February 7, 2014. Absolutely amazing how the universe works. Seriously universe, a year to the day? I always believed in signs going through treatment. I always thought God was going to hide a clue in my life, I would find it, and it would carry me through. And then he decided to give us a girl in February, when we had already chosen the name Hartley years before. Doctors said we could choose to have her February 10th. The Godfrey Crane birthday parallel. Maybe I look for signs. Maybe they comfort me. Or maybe this was a hidden clue, only I was strong enough to be given it after the fact. 

Today I took Winnie for a walk, knowing these walks of just the two of us are numbered. I washed dishes in the sink thinking how it won't be long before I'm scrubbing bottles. I picked up the phone and got an induction date and could hardly believe we were discussing me giving birth.

Surreal.

They told me today I will be checking into Labor and Delivery at 8:30 pm on February 6th. I'll be given Cervidil to soften up my cervix. This should aid in speeding along the labor process. The next morning I'll be given pitocin to induce contractions. And we should be holding baby girl in our arms that day, February 7th. 

I texted my mom to let her know and to make arrangements for Winnie. I'm hoping she's cool with us dropping Winnie off Wednesday night and hopefully we'll be home from the hospital on Sunday for them to return her. God, I'm really going to fucking miss my dog. 

I'm trying to plan out a fun dinner to eat that Thursday before we go. I'm pretty excited if this goes as planned. It means I will have a set day for the house to be in order, my legs to be shaved, and to squeeze in a really nice long shower right before everything starts! My sister said "sleepers" (women who go in at night to begin the induction process) really have it made. And I'm telling myself that first night is going to be like being at a hotel. We'll pack some fun snacks, maybe travel scrabble and a movie on the iPad - and make it as fun as possible. 

Hartley is kicking like a nut right now. I think she's excited too. And who can blame her? She only has the world's most fun parents ever.

4 weeks to go! And we'll have a very special new Valentine this year :)

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Today's appointment

So today was our 36 week appointment (even though tomorrow is actually the 36 week mark). 

The ultrasound tech forgot to measure Hartley's weight so next week I'll fill in on her size. She should easily be over the 6 pound mark since its been 9 days since the last ultrasound. Her movement was great. She's using her lungs like a champ. Heart rate great. Looking gorgeous and big. 

I have hydronephrosis on my right kidney. The ultrasound tech talked about how that could be causing my pains in my side. The doctor's theory is Hartley's size and my short body. She said Hartley is just squished, and she's pushing really hard in to my side. I hope she's right. Because the pain last night was so severe I could've sworn my lung was going to explode. 

They swabbed to test for GBS. And then she examined my cervix. Wow. I thought she was going to just grab Hartley and pull her out. I hope it didn't hurt the little girl. She wanted to see how "ripe" I am. She said my cervix is still high up but is "very soft", and I'm a half centimeter dilated. 

Then we discussed the induction. February 14th wasn't advised. I asked for her help and her advice. I told her I read a lot of women talking about how you should go as long as you can on your own, and that's why I came up with waiting until the 14th. She said 8 days past is one thing for a spontaneous pregnancy but it's a different story for an IVF patient. Today was the first time I heard my pregnancy referred to as high risk. People had asked me earlier in pregnancy if I was "high risk", and I always said my pregnancy just requires more monitoring. Because no one referred to it as "high risk". Even if they call it that, I don't really think of myself like that.

But with IVF, the main thoughts are this. They know my conception day, to a fucking tee - a 24 hour window in which a 5 day old embryo implanted. No matter how good of a charter a woman is or even if she does IUI, her dating is not nearly as accurate as mine. So there's no error in when I hit 40 weeks. Then, they look at it like this - a woman who went through IVF has been through enough. There is no point in taking any extra risk. If the baby is good enough for the outside (which they know from constant monitoring), they want her on the outside as soon as 39 weeks - to guarantee she gets here and they don't have to worry about a stillborn baby. The doctor told me I can ask any fertility specialist or high risk doctor, and they will concur. They watch them as closely as possible to make sure they are good to go and then they want these precious babies out.

Hartley's size also really helps in this decision. The doctor said she's not predicted to be little so she doesn't need an extra week to get bigger. She was annoyed the tech didn't measure Hartley's size today but gauging off the past scans, there is not even a slight concern with her being too small to come on time. 

I know everyone feels differently on these topics. And I don't claim for my answer to be everyone's answer. But I trust my doctor. I know she works closely with my doctor from the clinic, and they know everything it took to get this baby cooking. I trust them to have my best interest and Hartley's best interest at heart. 

But the music to my ears? My doctor said my body could very well decide to evict Hartley on its own :) you go body!  But goal is to wait until February... We shall see!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Rough days.

So I was thinking of doing a super fun post today - filling it with pictures of all the fun goodies Hartley has gotten. But last night I went to bed feeling gross, woke up exhausted and have been feeling dizzy and weak all day. My body is aching but being so light headed makes me very wary of taking a hot shower to help. I can't seem to get enough water and random hot flashes aren't helping anything. 

Yesterday all I could think about was how grateful I am for our baby. She was being so active. Brian got to feel her showing off. I kept finding myself just gazing down at my big belly just in awe of her. Torn between wanting her to snuggle inside me forever and being so excited to finally meet her. I just felt overwhelming blessed and already so proud to be her mom. Because now, she looks and functions just like a babe in the outside would. That is incredible. I can actually see waves in my belly when moves now, and I know it's her little foot just pushing around my skin, letting me know there's not enough space in her little home.

But today, not feeling well has sadly gotten the best of me. Part of me wants to be able to do better than just dry heave in to my bucket. Part of me wants an IV to hydrate me and painkillers that will allow me to sleep off the next month. And the biggest part of me would just like to fast forward to being able to soak in a hot bath and drink a glass of wine while Brian takes an hour of baby duty :)

My mom once quipped, "pregnancy isn't for wussies."

And today, I kind of feel like a big, fat wussy. And I just want to whine about it. 

I'm a couple days shy of the 36 week mark. And today, I'm pretty done with sharing my body with miss h, no matter how sweet she is! 

Fingers crossed for a smoother day tomorrow. Hey, we have the bad ones to have the good ones, right?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

2013: a beautiful mess

I once wrote a blog entry titled the most honest blog I've ever written. Of all of the entries on here, it is the most raw. When I read it to this day, I remember exactly how I felt that day.

Today I want to write a blog that includes some thing from 2013 that I didn't have the courage to write about. And how this year changed me - I like to think for the better.

We ended 2013 on a very high note. Here I was, almost 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby, and I was surrounded by a magnitude of gifts that I'd never seen before in my life. Presents for us. Presents for baby. Very generous gifts. Handmade gifts. A pile of baby shower cards: congratulating us, telling us how happy they were for us and telling us what amazing parents we'd be. Those who knew about our struggle to conceive wrote notes that praised us for our great attitudes and never giving up. That scene almost scares me when I think about it. Us in our cozy townhouse, and everything in our lives just falling in to place as if it were just always that simple. And I'm still wondering how and why we got so lucky. 

In contrast, a year ago I was constantly asking "why us?" I was always trying to figure out why I had broken lady parts. 

I started out 2013 probably the lowest I have ever been. I never admitted it to anyone other than Brian, but I experienced a full on nervous breakdown. It was a Friday. I had just had another failed cycle. I was vomiting. I convinced myself I was sick but it was stress, not a bug. Brian came home from work early and brought me macaroni and cheese. I ate it. Then drank a bottle of red wine. I cried... a lot. I felt so useless. My husband married this beautiful blonde woman with functioning parts who he was going to have kids with, and I felt like I was no longer her. I eventually slept. One of those sleeps aided by alcohol and far too many tears. 

I woke the next day and decided that if I painted our bedroom, all would be fixed. So I did. 

And that was when Brian told me I didn't seem right. I had become a person who desperately needed to control something - obsessed with painting a fucking room in the perfect shade in record speed - because I had no control over my body, and seemingly, my life. He was 100% right. Something wasn't right. It was at that point I realized I needed to change. I could still try to have a baby but I had to let go of all the expectations I'd been burdening myself with.

It was a lesson I learned and still strive to implement in my life.

I had "grown up" thinking life was a numbers game. I thought happiness was a certain income and a certain square footage. I thought you graduated college, got married at the right age and had kids at the right age. Of course you'd pick how many kids you had. Everything could be a perfect number. 

And what I learned in 2013 is that that way of thinking is complete and utter bullshit. Happiness is not a number. It is not a cut and dry way you live your life. And happiness isn't happiness without experiencing a little sorrow, compromise and even heartbreak. Life is not a perfect road map. There are not right and wrong paths. And if you want to trailblaze your own path instead of following others, do it! 

Our 2013 was not perfect. Our 2014 won't be either. But we are happy for what we have. We treasure it instead of dwelling on whatever we don't have. We'll strive not to place numbered expectations on ourselves or on Hartley. I am not perfect. I never will be. And I don't need to be. As long as I try to be the best wife, mom, friend and person I can be - that's what counts. 

I pity that woman who thought she was a failure. But I learned from her. And it's made me so much more ready for what this new year will bring. I'm anticipating a beautiful mess and wouldn't have it any other way. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

35 weeks. And will we have a cherub?!



How far along? 35 weeks. I'm 8 months pregnant, baby!
Total weight gain: 14-15 pounds
Maternity clothes? Of course.
Stretch marks? Yep.
Best moment of the week? The whole week was pretty great. We finally celebrated Christmas as a family (my sister came in to town the 27th). And she, along with my mom and Brian, got to see Hartley at this week's ultrasound.
Miss anything? Honest answer: I'm fucking jealous of everyone who isn't pregnant now. I want booze, a really hot bath, and to breathe easily. Also, the ability to bend over would be great. 
Movement: yeah, just the normal - feel her a little but nothing crazy
Food cravings: apparently cherry garcia ice cream and my mom's wreath cookies. And apparently I will eat them to the point I feel sick, say I'll never do it agin, and then I do it again. Smart woman over here.
Anything making you sick or queasy? Overeating. See above. But I'm taking Prilosec for the reflux. Fucking Christmas miracle right there.
Have you started to show? See picture above.
Gender: girl!
Belly button in or out? In.
Happy or moody? Both. I wake up happy but after several hours of lugging around this baby, I'm tired and cranky. Brian says I think I'm worse than I actually am. Well trained husband.
Looking forward to: our maternity photo shoot, doing my first diaper wash, and making my own baby wipes. The cleaning service coming!! Nesting much?

I have so much to share, and it might be way too much for one blog so there might be lots of blogging for a bit! 

Life has been busy and wonderful and weird lately. I'm assuming when your baby is 35 days away and just a mere 2 weeks from full term, that things just seem crazier than they are. I have a mix of "am I ready?", "get here soon", and "I'm so going to miss it just being Brian, Winnie and I".

I know in my heart of hearts that I am so ready for this. I couldn't be more ready if I tried. But I'm nervous. This little being has been lots of work already, and I've done a great job getting her in the uterus and baking her, but I just want to be perfect with her when she's on the outside. Even though I know I won't be. No mother is. 

And I will say, I'm having trouble coming to terms with it being "the end of an era" for Brian and I. He and I have had an incredible 4 years of marriage. We completely rock the childless couple thing. And I already see our relationship changing at this tail end. I see us becoming parents, and I won't lie, it does make me a little sad. Lately our errands consist of buying diapers, supplies for homemade baby wipes and nipple cream. And a part of me feels like, "fuck yeah, let's do this parenting thing!" And a part of me feels like, "man, I miss going to Target to buy stupid stuff like fuzzy socks and DVDs and wine."

I am also in a scary nesting stage where my house can be completely tidy and looks like total crap to me. And I catch myself saying to Brian, "it needs to look like the world's most luxurious hotel when she comes through the door." He brings me back down to planet earth though.

I am also uncomfortable now. And it's torture but also hilarious. Torture because this almost 6 pounder is weighing into my lungs making breathing tough. But hilarious because I crawl around on all fours doing cat and cow yoga poses, and Brian asks if I'm presenting myself. Yes, we are going to be parents. 

I called the doctor today to let them know my induction request. It is not a guarantee, and the doctor needs to review my request. But if they are good with it, the latest baby crane will be here is February 14th (15th if she decides I need to labor forever). I am nuts. Especially since we are allowed to induce as early as January 31st. But I want Hartley to have a fighting chance to pick her birthday, while keeping it in healthy range of course. I selfishly would love to evict her earlier (also because she is supposed to be bigger than average) but I feel like I would like to experience something that isn't completely calculated with this pregnancy. I would love to see her pick earlier than her due date. February 1st would be awesome. And I'm also rooting for a date after her due date - the 9th. So she can be a nine like her parents.

I'm nuts. I'm going to be kicking myself for this later!!

But I still having preparing to do. I have baby wipes to make and a hospital bag to pack. I have shower thank you notes to finish, dipes to launder, and all these little nesty projects. I have to get Brian to put the car seat bases in the cars. So she's not allowed to arrive before the 16th, when she's full term, and I'm ready :)

I will post fun picture blogs soon. And we're so lucky that we're getting to do another maternity shoot, so I can't wait to share pictures from that, too! And I'll be posting all about the emotional roller coaster ride of this last month or so before baby. 

And to wrap it up, and go completely unrelated, I'm so happy I've kept this blog. It has been an amazing outlet. It's been absolutely incredible to look back on. I started out 2013 with yet another negative pregnancy test, and I ended it 37 days away from meeting our baby. And I love that each of these entries reflect that it's not just one feeling you carry through the whole year. It's been a beautiful messy mix. And I know that's what it will continue to be :)

Random picture but I love this. My sister was just in town and when I saw this at Target it just screamed "Laura" to me so I had to get it for Hartley. You can't tell in the picture but some cupcakes have gold glitter icing and some have heart toppings: