My husband and I are the same in a lot of ways. We have similar values. We are low key, generally easy going people. Neither of us are extravagant; we're quite simple with our needs.
My husband is frugal, with a capital F, folks. And I'm the woman who rarely buys new clothes and almost never spends more than 50 bucks on a dress. Hell, my wedding dress was $400 - and that seemed like the world's biggest splurge ever. I wear $2.50 old navy flip flops in the summer and every nice pair of shoes I own are from DSW or a gift. My tennis shoes last 4-5 years easily. And my husband has more shoes and higher end clothing than I own myself. Yes, he has way more shoes than I do. And the price tag of a pair of his shoes equals like 4 pairs of mine. Not kidding.
Yesterday night, we're sitting on the couch. He was eating a homemade dinner (not expensive take out!), and he says we need to talk about our budget. Sometimes he might not say this in an accusatory way but seeing as how I'm not bringing in an income, I sometimes take it that way. And this is when I lost it. I did ask where all our money was going before I lost it. There was a small part of me wondering if Brian was blowing money on something I don't know about because let me tell you, I'm not blowing our money. Apparently we just had a big grocery run for freezer meals, and we spent a lot at Target buying baby essentials (no, not clothes). We also just paid our yearly tax bill, 6 month car insurance bill, and are basically forking over tons of money for my (our?) ultrasounds. And I know my vitamins are 60 bucks a month at Target. We still haven't even gotten my hospital bill yet. Ugh.
Now we're supposed to talk about a budget. Here's the thing, we aren't losing money, we just aren't saving it. And I'm okay with that for this second in time. We put money away for this baby for this reason. And yeah, she's coming right after Christmas and during the year of weddings (I'm sure bridal showers and baby showers will be popping up like crazy as per usual at this age).
I told Brian if he gives me specific changes, I'll make them. I say this knowing he can't tell me to change my ways. I was sitting there in a pair of maternity pants on lone to me, a top my mom bought me and a pair of fuzzy Target socks that Santa brought me. Yeah, bubble burst - I don't lounge in designer clothes from Nordstrom.
But to get to the hormonal outburst of tears, it's amazing how men and women are so different.
My husband counts down to Hartley in days, checks marked off on a list, and the dollars and cents of it all. He'll whine about how he might pass out during delivery, jokingly tease me about my body never being the same, and view his paternity leave as 2 weeks of vacation to hang out with his kid before his life jumps back to normal. He will be a great dad, but his responsibilities lie more in the financial and weekend departments.
In the past couple weeks, I struggle with every emotion in the book. Will I like being a mom? Will I be good at it? Was leaving work and undertaking a 24/7 commitment to a human life a good decision? Because it sounds really scary. Can she stay in longer so I'm more ready? Can you take her out now so I can stop toting around a small person inside of me? Will I ever have the body I had on my wedding day - I mean, do stretch marks and loose skin ever go away? Will I someday get back to building my career and still be a stellar mom? And when will that happen so I can know. And for the love of God, please let her be healthy when she gets here! I mean, pneumonia right at the fucking end? Seriously?
So when Brian wanted to sit down and talk about money, I really wanted to say, " hey buddy, that's your job. Work out a REASONABLE budget, give me guidelines, and I'll fucking stick to them. But for the next couple months, let me finish growing our kid, shove her out the birth canal, learn how to use my boobs as feeding tools, and live on 3 hours of sleep a night, mkay?" Newsflash, I've never done this before, and yeah, it's priority one in my book.
No one wins in these situations. I know Brian needs to talk to me when he's stressed. But I had to admit to him yesterday that I couldn't carry an extra worry right now. I can continue to be mindful of how I spend money but we saved up money for a reason and adding to savings just isn't on the front burner for me right now. As much as I love to be there for my husband, I asked that maybe for now he can just be there for me. He said he could. He said its hard because I'm usually the strong one who remains calm and carries us. And while there's definite truth to that, right now I need his love and support so I can make the biggest adjustment of my entire life. Then we can sit down and talk dollars and cents.
We will work out a budget after Hartley arrives. Brian thinks it'll be a week after she's born but I have a feeling he might be in for a rude awakening of what he's thinking about a week in to her life. We've made some awesome financial decisions during our marriage, and even if we're not stockpiling cash right now, I know we'll be back there again someday.
This is marriage. We've been together for a long time. We've been through a lot. But we are always working on this thing. Men and women are not the same. My husband wants a big bank account. I want our daughter to get here safely and to be good at this mom thing. That's wonderful and awful at the same time. And I want Hartley to see this. Not to burst hopes of a fairy tale (Brian can be a Prince Charming) but communication and compromise are life.
At this point, Brian can analyze the bank account. I'm going to hunker down and pray for daylight :)
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