Today I want to write a blog that includes some thing from 2013 that I didn't have the courage to write about. And how this year changed me - I like to think for the better.
We ended 2013 on a very high note. Here I was, almost 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby, and I was surrounded by a magnitude of gifts that I'd never seen before in my life. Presents for us. Presents for baby. Very generous gifts. Handmade gifts. A pile of baby shower cards: congratulating us, telling us how happy they were for us and telling us what amazing parents we'd be. Those who knew about our struggle to conceive wrote notes that praised us for our great attitudes and never giving up. That scene almost scares me when I think about it. Us in our cozy townhouse, and everything in our lives just falling in to place as if it were just always that simple. And I'm still wondering how and why we got so lucky.
In contrast, a year ago I was constantly asking "why us?" I was always trying to figure out why I had broken lady parts.
I started out 2013 probably the lowest I have ever been. I never admitted it to anyone other than Brian, but I experienced a full on nervous breakdown. It was a Friday. I had just had another failed cycle. I was vomiting. I convinced myself I was sick but it was stress, not a bug. Brian came home from work early and brought me macaroni and cheese. I ate it. Then drank a bottle of red wine. I cried... a lot. I felt so useless. My husband married this beautiful blonde woman with functioning parts who he was going to have kids with, and I felt like I was no longer her. I eventually slept. One of those sleeps aided by alcohol and far too many tears.
I woke the next day and decided that if I painted our bedroom, all would be fixed. So I did.
And that was when Brian told me I didn't seem right. I had become a person who desperately needed to control something - obsessed with painting a fucking room in the perfect shade in record speed - because I had no control over my body, and seemingly, my life. He was 100% right. Something wasn't right. It was at that point I realized I needed to change. I could still try to have a baby but I had to let go of all the expectations I'd been burdening myself with.
It was a lesson I learned and still strive to implement in my life.
I had "grown up" thinking life was a numbers game. I thought happiness was a certain income and a certain square footage. I thought you graduated college, got married at the right age and had kids at the right age. Of course you'd pick how many kids you had. Everything could be a perfect number.
And what I learned in 2013 is that that way of thinking is complete and utter bullshit. Happiness is not a number. It is not a cut and dry way you live your life. And happiness isn't happiness without experiencing a little sorrow, compromise and even heartbreak. Life is not a perfect road map. There are not right and wrong paths. And if you want to trailblaze your own path instead of following others, do it!
Our 2013 was not perfect. Our 2014 won't be either. But we are happy for what we have. We treasure it instead of dwelling on whatever we don't have. We'll strive not to place numbered expectations on ourselves or on Hartley. I am not perfect. I never will be. And I don't need to be. As long as I try to be the best wife, mom, friend and person I can be - that's what counts.
I pity that woman who thought she was a failure. But I learned from her. And it's made me so much more ready for what this new year will bring. I'm anticipating a beautiful mess and wouldn't have it any other way.
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