Infertility Special & Shopping

The glider. Ours will be a little different but it's this beautiful wingback style.

A gift for baby from Bunty and Dan. I think it's so cute that Bunty is going to be Mimi!

So you're reading this title and wondering how I'm going to relate infertility to shopping for baby goodies. Well, I'm not going to magically relate them but I want to touch on both today.

First, let's start with what happened first for me: the infertility struggle.

I'd never watched Katie Couric's talk show before. She's likable but she's no Ellen or Dr.Phil so I'd skipped giving her show a whirl. But a couple weeks ago she did a special on infertility, and I had to watch. They interviewed "funny man" Tom Arnold about his extremely long struggle with male factor infertility. Needless to say a man who looks so tough and strong, who battles life with humor, was crying on stage. 

They also interviewed a handful of women who have struggled or are struggling with conceiving.

I will fully admit it: I cried so hard watching this special. 

It's the most bizarre feeling in the world to hear strangers talk about something so personal and be able to connect to them as if you'd gone through it together. 

One of the women addressed her biggest fear is that her husband will leave her. When I heard that I cried to the point where my body was shaking. In all my life, I will never ever forget that plaguing thought. As much as my husband loves me and shows it, it was my biggest fear. I will never forget a memory that's etched in my brain of a day we drove home from an unsuccessful monitoring appointment; through my tears I asked Brian if he would be forever disappointed in me if I couldn't give him a child. Even though he said "no" and meant it, I felt like I was letting him down. And how can you love someone more than anything in the world and let them down so badly?

When that particular woman spoke I wanted to jump through the TV screen and hug her the tightest hug she's ever gotten. I wanted to tell her it would be okay, even if I know that there's no guarantee that it will be.

It's bizarre to me that in watching that special I can remember every emotion and thought those people discussed. The people around me in my life can have empathy for those people but I've lived part of what they've lived, and I actually know how they feel.

Not to be completely cheesy, but it has affected my pregnancy in the most truly amazing way.

People have said to me that I need to slow down with my planning and reminded me I have plenty of time. The truth is I can't slow down. I can't stop. I have reached a point in my pregnancy where I feel so comfortable and confident, and I can't stop soaking it in for the life of me.

Last Saturday I saw my grandparents, and when I walked in the door they said, "look at the mom to be!" And I got chills. I am the "mom to be". Not some pregnant women standing next to me. I will never forget that moment because someone actually said I was a mom to be. I'm not the girl who can't make eggs and needs copious amounts of help to make a baby. I'm a mom to be.

The best was today. I went shopping with my mother-in-law to pick out a glider. Here we were in a store, and I am still the mom to be. We're picking out a glider for my baby's nursery. And Bunty is the future grandma. The salesgirl congratulated me and asked me when I was due. You'd think the girl just told me I won the lottery with how that made my heart feel.

Flashback to after my surgery, I was sitting in the bathroom in pain. I had a pottery barn kids catalog in there, and I looked longingly at the gliders. I imagined snuggling my baby on a beautiful chair like that, and even if it was in the middle of the night, it would be perfect. Even though Brian and I weren't planning on buying a glider quite that nice, it kept me going to look at that stupid catalog. 

And today, Bunty bought me the same glider I stared at on so many hopeless days. 

I came home from shopping, and the crumply old catalog was sitting on the baby's dresser with that glider page dog-earred. I just stood there and cried the happiest tears. It's a dream that's coming true, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I got to be the person lucky enough to live it.

I'll never stop feeling bad for all the people go through a tough time on their journey to building their family. I feel like the best thing I can do is to savor these happy times for anyone who never gets to experience them. To most woman out there, buying a glider is just buying a glider. But for me, its looking back at that girl who clung to hope in the form of a catalog and celebrating exactly how far she has come. It feels like a right of passage.

Baby Crane is going to love snuggling and story time in that chair. I'm going to love the memory of buying it and sitting in it just daydreaming of the little one before he or she arrives.

Baby C,

Your dad and I are going to fight over who gets to read you your nightly stories!