Much Ado About Baptizing

If you have avidly followed this blog (which I'm pretty sure besides my husband is only 1 person - my sole commenter!), you know I've already written about our decision on whether or not to baptize our baby.

Okay, I'm going to give some backstory here. Before we got married, we talked about this. I told Brian I wanted to baptize our babies Catholic, and he had no issue with that. I knew that while he had been baptized Catholic, he was never a church goer. So I told him I'd take our kids to church by myself, which is actually what my mother did sometimes; I don't remember my dad always going because he  worked Sundays.

Now, I also need to state this: I am not a deeply religious person. I haven't regularly attended church since I was in high school. But I do believe in God. I pray. I believe a lot of Catholic teachings. Of course, on the flip side, there are a few things the Catholic church stands against that I disagree with.

While I've never really advertised myself as a Catholic, I have always considered myself one because it was how I was raised. I would never push my beliefs on anyone else. I don't advertise my beliefs because I don't want anyone to try to convert me to their way of thinking (as people love to do).

I resisted doing fertility treatments for a while longer than most because it seemed unnatural, and I had no desire to play God. And unfortunately, as time went on, I realized I didn't have the option to conceive a child naturally. I was extremely angry with God. And I was even more angry with him when I learned the official stance of the Catholic church on IVF. I felt like the higher being I believed in all my life had backed me between a rock and a hard place. I was livid when I read essays and quotations from Catholic officials condemning fertility treatments. I felt like I had tried my whole life to do the right thing. I'm not saying I've always done the right thing but I have always tried to be the best person I could be. I thought that was what God wanted from me. And then all of a sudden, I was committing this horrible sin.

I couldn't imagine baptizing my baby.

Maybe this comes along with the days of my IVF treatment being behind me, but now, I'm having a change of heart.

Brian doesn't fully understand it. He'll tell me he was raised without religion and he turned out fine. He's right - he did.

But if I were to equate it to something for him, it would be his love of Boston sports teams. Brian doesn't reminisce about his childhood like I do. (Maybe it's the cancer in me?) But I imagine him wearing itty bitty Celtics jerseys and watching basketball games with his dad. Is someone a bad person because they didn't grow up on the Celtics? Absolutely not. But was it a part of his upbringing that he would like to pass along to our child? It absolutely is.

I loved getting to wear a pretty Easter dress or Christmas dress to holiday mass. We used to always go out to Outback for dinner as a family, go to Christmas Eve mass, and drive around looking at Christmas lights. When we were good at church, we'd sometimes get Dunkin' Donuts as a reward. I was so proud of myself when I'd perform a new sacrament. It somehow made me feel so special. I remember when I was little and I wanted something, I would pray to God to ask him for it. And if I wanted to help someone I couldn't help, I'd pray for God to do it.

Will my child turn out horrible if I don't baptize him or her? Will they be some awful sinner with no morals? No. Plenty of people on this earth have never stepped foot in a church and have been just as amazing (maybe more so) as the most devout religious person around.

But will I feel like I'm robbing my kid of something that was a part of my childhood? Yes, I will.

I can teach my kid all the morals in the world. I can teach him or her right from wrong. But I want my kid to believe in something bigger than his or herself. I want them to know there is someone who looks out for all of us. Because the truth is, it's really easy to forget that sometimes.

We haven't 100% come to a decision yet but you can see where I lean.

I know it's hard for anyone to get past reading that the way their child was conceived is evil because no parent wants to think that. But I'm starting to think it's selfish to dwell on that - its making the decision for my baby not to have a religion because I'm offended. And I don't know if that's a good enough reason.