"Why me?"

In yesterday's blog, I talked about being blissful 98% of the time. It's a pretty simple emotion to understand. I feel so close to having a baby; it's so exciting.

I want to cover the main driving force behind the other 2% of the time.

If you struggle with infertility, I have a feeling this will strike a chord with you.

Brian and I have both struggled with the "Why Me/Us?" aspect of infertility. I honestly think it's one of the toughest parts. I've read that people become angry with God over this, and I've been there, too.

As a child I thought children were something everyone could have if they wanted them. I played with my baby dolls for practice, and knew someday, when I was ready, I'd have my very own babies. When I got a little older and learned about reproduction, I knew my mom never had any trouble so I assumed I was super fertile. I actually had a friend in college say I seemed like a girl who would have lots of kids so I'd probably get pregnant if a guy sneezed on me.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I didn't believe doctors when they told me getting pregnant could be a challenge for me. I remember we started trying, and we both kept thinking it would happen right away.

After some time of things not working, I started to wrestle with, "Why Me?" Why couldn't I have a baby? Teen moms who don't want to have babies could get pregnant on prom night. Unstable women who drown their children in bathtubs could procreate. Women who abandon their children had no trouble conceiving them. Countless women take the day after pill or visit abortion clinics; they could get pregnant but didn't want to be.

Why can't I get pregnant? I am 27 years old. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for almost 4 years. We have the closest thing I've seen to a perfect marriage. We have a lovely home. My husband does very well for himself. We have saved money for this baby. We have parents and sisters and brothers that are looking forward to becoming grandparents, aunts and uncles.

My mom said if I ever needed to adopt, that an adoption agency would love us. We are pretty much the perfect candidates to be parents.

But the sad thing is, I'm 99% sure that without assisted reproductive technology - we would never be "chosen" to be parents. And I will never ever understand why.

I used to ask "why?" all the time. I knew I'd never get an answer but I'd cry in the shower just begging God to tell me why.

Lately, I hardly think about why. I've more or less come to the realization that I just wasn't made the same way as most women. I am of the 10% of women who are infertile. I am of the 1% of women who will undergo IVF. I don't know why but I just am.