The Ups and Downs

I wish every woman struggling with infertility could find the peace I have very recently found. It is not because I'm stronger that I've found this peace. It is because I had gotten to a point in the road where I had to choose a peaceful outlook on my situation or stop.

The emotional pain I felt from my last IUI was unbearable. It was the worst pain I've felt in my life. I wanted to hide it from everyone around me. I couldn't even write a blog entry about it because I wasn't ready to admit that I felt miserable on the inside. I was angry and frustrated. I was jealous of every single person who hasn't had to go through this.

It was forgotten only to be replaced with a nervousness about my polyp removal surgery and a fear of all things IVF, mainly injectables.

But once I had my surgery and did well with my first injections, things clicked. I wasn't giving up; in fact, I was working harder than ever before. I needed to get ready because this is how I'm going to conceive my child. It is not beautiful. It is not natural. It is not normal.

But you know what it is?

It is amazing. It is wonderful. And it is exciting.

I decided that I would let nothing stand in the way of me viewing this as a joyful time in my life. I would stop wishing to be the fertile woman that I'm not. And I would choose to love and cherish the time I worked really hard to make my beautiful baby.

It is not easy.

Sometimes it takes everything inside of me to remind myself of the good in the bad, the beautiful in the less than beautiful.

I have not completely perfected the art of the peaceful outlook. I have it about 98% of the time. The other 2% is a little part that creeps up on me and seems impossible to control. That 2% encompasses over 2 years of hurt, anger and resentment. It represents a tough time that's not easily forgotten.

But that 98% of the time is something I have worked so hard for. I can say this and whole heartedly believe it - I have earned this peace. If I could bottle it and hand it out to all the infertile women out there, I would.

I will never know why this is the path I was given. All I know is I was designed to rise to the occasion.