It wasn't a decision we made all that lightly. We had spent money and time working with a lactation consultant... at 3 two hour long sessions. I spent two weeks struggling to get her to latch and actually suck. Each feed took about an hour, though a few times it would take an hour and a half. I had days I literally fed her 50% of my day, and it drained me to the point I constantly felt sick. I'm not saying "whoa is me". I'm sure many women had this experience and powered through.
But on the day of her two week birthday, Hartley wouldn't latch. It was 3 am, and I woke up Brian so he could give her a bottle while I pumped. I sat there feeling like a dairy cow. And Brian said, "you guys have regressed."
I started crying. "Don't say that. We're working so hard."
Then he corrected his statement, "I mean - it's not you, she's bad it."
Imagine a snappy 2 week post partum mom, "don't say that about our baby! She's perfect!"
Then Brian spoke in a way I understood. "I'm just saying why are we doing this? This is the least efficient way to feed her. She's miserable. You're miserable. Why is this so important?"
And I thought for a second, racking my sleep deprived brain for a really good reason to give him. Breast is best? No, that's a stupid slogan, not a legit reason. I looked inside myself, asking myself why this really was important. Sadly, a woman who is never at a loss for words didn't have any profound argument. I told him the complete truth. I had to because everyone breast feeds . It would be embarrassing to tell people I didn't or couldn't breastfeed.
What kind of mother was I? The reason I needed to breast feed my baby wasn't for her benefit, it was so I would fit in. It's not that I don't think breastfeeding is great but I was a formula feed baby. Which means I happen to think formula isn't a baby ruiner at all. The fact that I wasn't breastfed hasn't negatively impacted my life in the slightest. And I happen to think my mom did a terrific job raising my siblings and I. So I was actually miserable trying to breastfeed so that I could fit in. Like high school all over again really.
Brian suggested exclusively formula feeding after giving me a couple weeks to wean my boobs off producing milk. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much that would positively change our situation. Only one person would need to get up for night feeds because it wouldn't be the feed/pump combo we had been rocking. Better rested parents would be happier parents for more energy with the baby. Not wasting over an hour on feeds meant I could actually enjoy my time with Hartley and soak her in. Ironically, being such a large chested woman I never felt nursing was bonding because I actually couldn't see her face, it was so smothered in boob. So formula feeding was the first time I old actually have her eyes stare in to mine. And one other amazing thing? I'd get to watch our family members feed her. So beautiful. It also made me not feel so irreplaceable. A lot of mothers love to feel so needed but that actually gave me anxiety and made me feel very trapped.
I would never try to tell a woman not to breastfeed for the above reasons. I think breastfeeding is terrific. But it just so happens those reasons made formula feeding the right choice for our family.
I feel so much better after discontinuing breastfeeding. I think I was on the verge of depression, and formula actually saved me.
Do I look at pictures of mothers breastfeeding their babies and think its beautiful? Absolutely. It gorgeous to see how nature works. But do I wish I were the one doing it? Nope. It never looked serene in our house. It was a screaming baby dangling off a weepy mama.
I'm so glad Brian suggested formula feeding. As a woman, breast is best is drilled into us so I could've never considered formula without him suggesting it.
This will be the only time this decision is addressed on my blog. Not because it's shameful but because I'm not trying to promote or convince people to formula feed. If posting this helps relieve a little stigma, that'd be great but I'm not attempting that. The other reason this will not be talked about any further is because in the grand scheme of parenting issues, this is the least important in my opinion. And even then, most "mommy wars" are problems of the upper middle class that don't hold a candle to the other issues in this world!
So breast feed or formula feed - as long as you're feeding and loving that baby, you're doing awesome in my book :)
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