occupancy two

Last night, the eve of my blood test, I had a dream where I was on an elevator. I'm not crazy about elevators in real life. In dream life I think they signal ups and downs.

It was a tiny elevator. The worst kind.

All these people kept filing on to the elevator. It was jam packed, way too over crowded. So I looked the the occupancy plaque that you normally see in elevators, and it stated, "Max Occupancy: 2".

I started screaming at all the other people on the elevator. "Get off this elevator! Can't you read?! It's says occupancy two! You all can't be here. It can't hold more than two. We won't make it if you all get on; we won't be able to breathe!" No one was listening to me. I wanted to start bawling.

I woke up thinking the dream was weird. Then on the way to taking the blood test, it clicked. I must have been screaming at myself. Yesterday was one of the first days I realized all of this might not work. It might be just Brian and I: occupancy two. I think my dream shows how torn I am over that fact.

There's a part of me that wants to keep fighting until we get our baby.

Then there's an even bigger part of me that's relieved that this will all be over soon, whether there's a baby or not. Yesterday I thought of all the positives of living a life just Brian and I. I've decided our lives would still be very full and lots of fun.

But when we got married I had a vision of Christmas 2059, we'd have all our children around the table and grandkids crawling all over us. It'd be a house bursting at the seams from all the love inside of it.

If we never have kids, we'll have boatloads of money and be able to take amazing vacations. I could start my own business doing make-up artistry or maybe even own a spa someday. We'd spoil the hell out of our nieces and nephews. We'd do winery dates on weekends and go to parties not worrying about getting a babysitter. It would be pretty awesome.

But I'd never have my baby wrap it's teeny fingers around my pinky. I'd never look down at him or her and wonder, "does our child look more like me or Brian?" I'd never get to go to their sports games, pick out a prom dress or clap like a crazy person during their graduation. I wouldn't get to help them write resumes or plan their wedding. I'd never get to watch my grandkids be welcomed into the world and watch them grow up, too.

I think my most amazing quality is my ability to see positive in negative. Not many people can do that. But it is also the hardest thing in the world to give up a dream you've had ever since you can remember.

We have done 3 rounds of Clomid and 2 round of Clomid IUI. Here's to hoping the 3rd cycle of Clomid IUI is THE one. Though I wrestle with my life plan, I still have faith in this process.