9 months.

Last May I remember telling Brian, "Now that were starting Clomid, how wild is it that I'll be pregnant by our 3rd wedding anniversary?!" Imagine that being said in an adorably giddy voice and watch it be followed by the world's biggest bear hug.

Of course, we all know how that story ended, I didn't get pregnant. But the funny part? TWO of my girlfriends got pregnant that cycle. If I had gotten pregnant, we all would of been due within a week of one another. 

One of those friends gave birth to two beautiful twin girls at the end of January. The other is now past her due date. Apparently her babe is super cozy in the womb and wants to continue to hang out longer. Strong mama! 

Those 9 months flew by. I thought for sure if my pregnancy wasn't on the exact same schedule as theirs that I'd at least overlap. 

The weird part is I'm not at all sad writing this blog entry. 9 months ago I threw myself a little pity party. The "Everyone is pregnant except me!" kind. I was happy for my friends but I was sad that I wasn't getting to join in and be a bump buddy. I wanted it to finally be my turn, too.

Lately, I cry easily during movies or even sad episodes of 20/20. I chalk that up to the fact that I have all sorts of weird, lab-made hormones coursing through my body. But the strangest thing is I'm becoming very disconnected with this cycle. To be honest, I kind of keep forgetting that it's happening, and I keep forgetting that I could get pregnant. 

On my third round of Clomid last summer, I felt kind of "bored." It didn't work after 2 cycles so I became kind of disinterested. As odd as it sounds, the same thing is happening with the 3rd Clomid IUI. I'm happy we're doing it, don't get me wrong. I'm just more apathetic than overly invested. 

This is not to say I'm not hopeful but I'm not constantly thinking "X days of Clomid left" or "X days until the 1st monitoring appointment".  I feel no real need to countdown. No real need to think about how my body is feeling or what it is doing. 

I think this has to do with your brain protecting you. I think my brain says, "Hmmm... this hasn't worked yet so let's let her take a break from thinking about it constantly." Thank you, brain. I seriously need the break. And if you want me to kind of clock out until the whole pregnancy thing actually happens, that'd be pretty awesome!