cycle day 19: empty ovaries.

This morning I was extremely lazy. At 6:45, I rolled out of bed, switched out pajamas for yoga pants and a t-shirt, brushed my teeth and rolled out the door by 6:50. Screw early morning showers. My evening showers are just fine these days. 

I'm always the bum of the waiting room BUT I'm also almost always first in line. Today I was first.

I drank the lovely doctor's office coffee and played around on my phone for just a few minutes before they took me back. I know the office staff by name, and they know me by name. I know about their kids, where they're from and their hobbies. Going to that office in the morning has become like going to a second home. 

I walked back to the sono room like I owned the joint. 

I stripped from the waste down. I had an "Oh shit!" moment... I forgot to wear funny/cute/weird socks. Every monitoring I wear an interesting pair of socks so when my feet are in the stirrups it adds a little cheer. The nurses like this.

Apparently those socks make a big difference.

When the dildo-cam (transvaginal ultrasound wand) got shoved up there with the always warned "cold and pressure", I saw empty ovaries. How did that happen? I told the nurse there were supposed to be 2 follicles in there. She pushed around a little longer to search for them. Nothing.

Apparently the 2 eggs we had seen had likely been cysts. 

I didn't really react. It was weird. Neither did Brian. We don't expect nearly as much as when we first started the IUI process. I'll never forget how devastated I felt when I didn't produce eggs at the beginning of the first round. Today, I didn't feel devastated. I've been here before. It sucks but it's not new. 

Afterwards, I went to yoga. It was awesome. I got chinese food with my mother in law, which was great. 

I came home and it hit me that Saturday, my next monitoring, is an important day. I'll be finding out if my baby could still be an IUI baby or if it will be an IVF baby. That's pretty major but in the most wonderful way. I find it amazing that I seem to be growing stronger rather than weaker. I'm growing fearless of things that once terrified me. I'm becoming the person I never thought I could. 

There is no guarantee in all of this that I will become a mother, and I know that. But if I do, I have finally become my favorite version of myself, someone my kid(s) could really look up to. I've become someone who finds the good in the bad and pulls herself up by the bootstraps. Someone who once again believes in the power of positive thinking and appreciating all she is given. 

Maybe that was what needed to happen before I could bring life into this world.