cycle day 12 monitoring

This morning was a disappointment but not really a huge surprise. There were no follicles worth noting. A woman basically has a bunch of follicles waiting to be "the one" each month. At cycle day 12, one has emerged as the dominant follicle because it is bigger than the rest. Lucky women could have mature follicle(s) at cycle day 12 but usually it's a few days after that the follicle is mature. 

Apparently none of my follicles are jumping at the chance to be "the one". This could change. One could grow. Or if it's like the 1st cycle they might need to give me more Clomid.

My current frustration is people telling me it will happen. So patronizing. 

I used to have trouble talking to mom about this stuff. To be fair, I told her the month we started trying so she's lent her ear much longer than anyone else, literally years. Now she's one of the best people to talk to. She told me yesterday that I've been trying really hard but I should keep doing whatever the doctors tell me too. She told me before we give up we should try IVF. But I love that when I mention adoption to her she doesn't get squeamish. 

Everyone else gets squeamish at the mention of adoption. I think people regard it as something it's not. They regard it as admitting defeat when really it's loving and nurturing a child that didn't come out of your vagina. That's pretty damn beautiful. If you have a kid, you have to love it. Your kid can be a royal screw up and you still have to love them because they grew inside of you. Adopting a child is loving a child purely because you want to nurture and raise a child. 

So I'm really going to start using this blog as an outlet to vent. An outlet to say what other's don't want to hear.

While today was not surprising, it was disappointing. It frustrates me. It upsets Brian. Our plan is to continue to do whatever the doctor's say to do this cycle. If it's to wait, we'll continue to be the world's most patient people and wait. But today, I'm working up the courage to ask the clinic how much they charge for IVF. As scared as I was to do IVF, if this round doesn't work, I think IVF is our plan. IVF will be more demanding and more risk is involved but I'm not working so I can go to as many appointments as needed. I think I'll have to learn to inject myself, which terrifies me. IVF is a longer process so it means I'll have to wait longer before we can take a vacation. I hope whether or not it works that I get to go to the beach this summer. 

That pretty much sums it up: frustrated, less scared of IVF, and hoping to go to the beach :)