In November 2006, I met Brian. Shortly after, we fell in love. We got married in September 2009. And we had the biggest plans for a "perfect" life together. We had a vision: the house, the dog and the little cranes running wild. I'm pretty sure there might have been a white picket fence, too.
Our plan contained the perfect ages to start the new stages. We had it figured out.
Then in September 2010, I found out I would likely have trouble getting pregnant. With this new information, we revised our life plan and began trying to conceive in November 2010. I started out not knowing much about how the whole process worked. I wasn't basal body temperature charting or using ovulation predictor kits. It wasn't how I wanted to conceive my child.
Slowly, that mentality evolved; our methods became more scientific. I became a charter. I took Metformin and Provera.
In May of 2012, I took my first "big" step: I started taking Clomid. I took 3 rounds of the stuff and sadly, no luck.
I waited until November 2012 to seek the help of a fertility clinic to do fertility treatment.
Our first cycle of IUI was rocky to say the least. It seemed nothing that cycle was "typical" of a clomid IUI cycle.
Our 2nd cycle of IUI was completely different, a much less stressful experience. I responded to the 150 mg of Clomid I was prescribed, only had to go in for 3 monitoring appointments, and I grew a beautiful, perfect egg. I had a healthy, cycle day 18 IUI.
Today I am 11 days past said IUI, and I decided it was okay to pee on a stick this morning. Big mistake. It was negative. But I have 3 more days until the doctor's blood test, so there's still time.
People tell me often that I have a good attitude. I've had nurses at the clinic tell me this. But the truth is, it's very hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life (granted, I've lived a pretty charmed life). And the reason I'm writing this blog is to help myself keep going. I've wanted to throw in the towel many times over the past couple years. But at this point in our struggle, I know the number of cycles we have left in us are numbered. I know whether we conceive or not, I won't do this for the rest of my life.
So you're probably wondering, how in the world is my story a love story?
Through all of this I've had the most amazing man by my side. We can laugh through the uncomfortable probing and get giddy at every new chance we are given. We can cry to each other when everything is going horribly wrong. Every time he comforts me and picks me up, I know he'll make a terrific dad. We are surrounded by family and friends that have been of immense support to us. We've had prayers said for us and fingers crossed for us. Our story is one of overwhelming love. In fact, I don't think I really knew what love was until we went through this process.
Most days I think, "I wish this were easier" or "I wish this was perfect." But every now and then I have a day where I realize that this experience has taught me about love and how it feels truly human to rely on the support of others. It has made me realize that perfection is overrated. My child will not enter this world solely as a product of the love my husband and I have for each other. It will enter this world as the product of many "tries", prayers, and hopes. I can't say he or she will be God's gift to this earth but I can say baby crane will be God's gift to my husband and I.
So here's to a lucky next few days. Updates to follow soon.
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