Patty

Patrick Frank. Where to even begin!

I do sometimes feel guilty that when Hartley was a baby I was blogging her updates monthly, and Patrick definitely isn't getting that treatment. But let's get real, what Patrick is getting is far better - he absolutely loves being his sister's sidekick. And if two little ones means less blogging, I highly doubt he'd trade it! 

He continues to be the most well-natured baby I've ever known. He always has a smile and a laugh ready to go.

The most easy way to describe him is by saying, he is a giant ball of love. His continues to be a big baby. His large, squishy body is so amazing to snuggle. When he falls asleep on me I just want freeze time forever. I often joke with people that Patrick has ruined me for other babies. Not only his personality but his delicious baby rolls - I don't think I'll ever see another babe who can compare. I honestly think I'll cry the day he begins walking because I know those rolls will leave. And channeling Bev Goldberg, he won't be my little snuggle monster anymore!

I just wish time could stand still and he could stay this way always. 

He loves baths. He loves being sung to. He loves any toy that his sister is playing with. He likes books but he'll definitely turn the pages at his own speed ;)

He loves meal time. He loves outside time; he enjoys his baby swing. He loves Hartley, and Winnie, and pretty much everyone else. 

He loves rolling around. 

He's cool with outings and errands. The stroller and carseat don't phase him at all. We only noticed a teeny change in his disposition while getting his four teeth! 

I just asked Brian what Patrick doesn't like and the only thing we can collectively come up with is, "when you don't feed him his food fast enough". This is hilarious - and true. The only time I've ever seen him upset is when I was feeding him guacamole and accidentally put the spoon down to give him a little break! 

He is sitting on his own for about 5-10 seconds. He is trying to get his legs under himself to crawl but currently can only backwards army crawl and rotate. It's amazing how far he gets around with that and rolling as his only means! 

He is very chatty, which was pointed out at his assessment. We were told his development is fantastic outside a little delay with his gross motor skills. We were told how engaging his is, and of course, everyone marveled at his good nature.

Patrick gets these sorts of comments wherever he goes. And if I had a nickel for every time I heard, "he is the biggest, smiliest baby I've ever seen" or "he has the most beautiful hair!" Oh Lawd, I'd be a wealthy woman. 

I also have heard a hundred times how my son is going to be a linebacker. But, no, he isn't playing football! I told someone that the other day, and they told me that'll he'll probably be an astrophysicist instead. I'll take it ;)

My baby boy, you win hearts wherever you go, and your mama knows exactly why. You are as sweet and fun as you are cute. I just feel like you truly are going to do amazing things because you are just a ray of sunshine that lights up everywhere you go. In all my life, I couldn't have dreamt up a little boy as wonderful as you. I used to think I could never see myself as a "boy mom" but holy moly, you really changed that for me. I love being your mom and I love you to the moon and back. The world is a better place because you are in it. 

Easter Weekend

The week leading up to Easter was exhausting. Hartley had her first session with her speech therapist. It was a shit show; she cried for at least 90 percent of the session. Afterwards I felt terrible and questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. I have no clue what I'm doing but we'll see if next week goes better. 

We also had Patrick's assessment, which went beautifully. He is developing wonderfully but is slightly behind with his gross motor development. They said this was because of his size (you're shocked - right?). It was up to us if we wanted to have a physical therapist come out and work with him once a month. We chose to do it mainly because we are already paying for Hartley, so this is essentially "free" for us. Even though it went well, it was exausting. Apparently it was exhausting for Patty too because he napped for three hours afterwards! 

When Friday rolled around, I was spent. It's truly amazing to me how some weeks just kick my ass - and this was one of them. So Brian came home from work a few hours early, and let me run some errands solo. When I got home from errands we all went to Reston Town Center for dinner. We ate outside at Uncle Julio's, and Hartley ate her body weight in chips and queso. It was the perfect way to kick off the weekend!

Saturday morning my mom took me shopping. I know for her it was something simple to do together but she has no idea how much I really needed that. I haven't bought real, non-maternity clothes in years (pathetic, I know). So I got to spend a couple hours away from the babies while my mom treated me to new outfits that actually fit and look good on my mom-of-two body. Don't ask me how back to back pregnancies expanded my rib cage but they did! It's really sad but I hardly ever do stuff like that for myself so driving home from the mall it felt as refreshing as if I'd taken a week long vacation! Thanks, mom!

Saturday evening we hosted my best friend Johanna's family for a cook out play date. Her two sweet girls (my god babies!) are such fun playmates for Hartley. They're a year older than Hartley so she thinks she's hanging out with the coolest older girls, and it's adorable. Johanna brought the most delicious bunny cake and some sweet gifts for Hartey and Patrick. She's the best! A fun time was had but then it was off to bed so the Easter bunny could come! 

Easter morning the babies opened their Easter baskets. 

This Easter was special for a few reasons: we hosted brunch in our new house, it was Patrick's FIRST Easter, and it was the first holiday where I felt like things clicked a little for Hartley.

Hartley got play dough in her basket, and she didn't want to eat breakfast because she was having so much fun playing with it. It totally felt like having a little kid as opposed to a baby who could care less about a basket - and that was actually really cool. 

We had both of our families over for brunch. I honestly didn't have to do much; I bought a fruit salad and made zippy cheese omlettes. The menu consisted of those plus monkey bread, ham, shrimp, biscuits and potatoes. My sister in law made an adorable bunny cake and she and my mom made cute Easter sugar cookies. Mimosas flowed, babies got passed around and a fun time was had. Hartley hunted for eggs and got so into it! Patrick and their cousin Mary are way too little to get in on the action so I didn't know if she'd be bored hunting solo but she definitely wasn't. She loved having everyone watch her and cheer her on. I'm hoping Patrick is into it next year because I think it'd be hilarious to watch a little egg hunt competition! 

After brunch, the babes napped. When they woke, we took the party back outside for more egg hunting and swing set fun. They didn't mind that it was sprinkling, and Brian and I decided it was totally appropriate to do a little misty, outside day-drinking. Keeping it classy for the neighbors, of course ;)

The weekend went by too quickly as always. Another first holiday came and went too fast. 

With all of that, we wish everyone a Happy Easter! Hope it was full of good eats, drinks and company! 

Life Lately

I had started to write an entry detailing Hartley's assessment (to find out whether or not she was eligible to receive services from the county). Then I decided that it was something I didn't feel like sharing with the whole world. It's not because I'm embarrassed, I'm fine with saying Hartley is eligible and will receive services. She did a fantastic job at the assessment, and I couldn't be any prouder. But it was intense and I've chosen to share all the details and my truest feelings with very select, close friends. 

With all of that said, I don't have a "plan" of how much information I'll share about her sessions. I just want to be careful because it is something so personal for us and especially, Hartley. 

This blog started as a way for me to work through my feelings as I struggled with infertility. A handful of people have reached out to me and told me that portion of my blog helped or touched them, and that was a wonderfully happy accident. Then I chronicled my pregnancy and my experience as a new mom, and I found writing to be so therapeutic. Now, I'm no longer the star of this blog - my children are. That is wonderful and scary at the same time. I love talking and sharing about them but as they grow I'm trying to be very careful what I put out there about them. They are my pride and joy, and I honestly want to over share all their sweet moments all day long but I really don't want this to resurface some day and be a source of embarrassment. If that makes any sense. 

But if anyone does read this and is struggling as they notice their child developing a little more slowly than their peers, if you reach out to me I'm happy to share things with you.

With all of that said, life has been just as busy, tiring and fun as ever. 

This beautiful weather has made life so wonderful. We're constantly spending time together outside, and I love it! We've been going for walks and wagon rides, playing with sidewalk chalk, playing on our new swing set and dining al fresco on our deck. Spring is in the air, and our family couldn't be any happier about it. As a stay at home mom, I find this to be the very best season because it means there are a solid 6-7 months ahead of fun outdoor activities! 

Hartley is the star of today's blog. We haven't hit the terrible two's yet, only the terrific two's, and I've been absolutely loving seeing Hartley now more as a little kid. She says and does the cutest things, and she has the sweetest personality. 

She's started going to story time at the library regularly with my mom. My mom also takes her to swimming lessons weekly. This has been amazing for Hartley and I. It's great for Hartley to be bonding with my mom and getting these experiences, and it's nice for me to get a few hours a week of just having one baby! 

I've started doing Baby Ballerinas with Hartley on Saturday mornings. I touched on our first class, which was a little rough. Hartley was very shy and unsure of the whole thing.

Saturday, however, she really blossomed! The teacher came up to me and told me how much better Hartley did, and how she was so cute. 

I'll admit, following directions is not her strong suit. She definitely marches to the beat of her own drum. As the other ballerinas marched, galloped and skipped along side their parents in the circle, Hartley would let go of my hand and run to the middle of the circle to dance. She'd be in the center just doing her own moves as I traveled around the circle without my baby ballerina. After a bit, I'd grab her hand and try to get her to follow along. I was so proud that she'd warmed up that I didn't want to stifle her but I also didn't want to disrupt the class. It's one of those scenarios that is still a delicate balance for me to strike.

Sunday we took the kids to see the Easter bunny. I went up early and got the first spot in line, and Brian met me there about 10 minutes before the bunny got there. I thought Hartley would do okay because she was happy as a clam waiting. She was even enthusiastic to see the bunny but once she realized Brian and I were backing away after we sat her on his lap, she was not having that. Life and Easter pictures are never boring with this crew! 

The mall trip was fun after that. Hartley loved walking around holding my hand, and she got new sneakers. Patrick, as always, was just happy to be along for the ride.

Hartley and Patrick are starting to entertain each other these days so this past weekend we really relished in watching that. The best parts of motherhood to date are watching Hartley interact with Patrick and watching him squeal in delight and laugh when she gives him attention. My heart almost exploded this weekend when, unprompted, she went over to snuggle Patrick. It truly makes all the bits of exhaustion feel very worth it.

That is our life lately. I do hope to blog about Patrick more soon. He continues to be a giant ball of love. He's all juicy baby rolls and laughter. More on that love bug to follow soon - I hope :)

Babies are different

This is something I've actually wanted to blog about for months but today I saw an article on Facebook that reminded me of it. 

The gist of the article was that babies are not one size fits all. Some are difficult, some are easy, and many fall in that vast range. And that easy baby that's such a good sleeper isn't because the parents are magical, it's sheer, dumb luck. 

I am here to say that a couple years ago, I didn't really know this to be true. As a first time mom, I was always troubleshooting. Why the hell was my baby crying so much? She could cry for literally hours straight. One time I called the doctor and told them my daughter has been crying for two hours - clean diaper, fed, no matter how I held her, rocked her, put her down - it just wouldn't stop. They told me to make sure her needs were met. I had just told her they were though. I remember my mom coming over so Brian and I could just leave and go for a walk to get a small break from the non stop wails. 

At two months, Hartley's doctor diagnosed her... as a sensitive baby. I'll never forget the doctor told me I was doing a fantastic job but I just had a baby that was sensitive in every way. Sensitive stomach, sensitive to people, sensitive to different places, sensitive to how she was held or what she was doing. In a way, it was a relief. Finally A DOCTOR told me that I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't a terrible mom. But also, what I then realized was this wasn't likely "a phase". Note to past self: it definitely was not a phase. 

Hartley slowly adjusted to the world. But even now, she is slow to warm. The other day in baby ballerinas she was the only little girl that cried in class. She wasn't crying for any other reason than being very unsure of these new people and new surroundings. All the other ballerinas hopped, galloped, skipped during circle time - and I carried Hartley hopping, galloping and skipping along with them. I didn't want to leave the class. Me two years ago would've left the class in tears. But me now, knows to reassure Hartley but challenge her to try something she's not used to. I stayed positive and reminded her the entire time, "mommy is right here. I'm not leaving you." And when Hartley went up in front of the class (with me by her side), she refused to do a somersault like the rest of the girls, everyone laughed because it was cute. She thought everyone was laughing at her, and she bawled. I actually remember doing that so many times as a kid. You see, I was a sensitive baby and child, too. I was slow to warm. In fact, I'm still both of those things. 

However, I digress. When I was expecting Patrick, I was terrified. I was having panic attacks about how I could possibly spend hours trying to soothe a screaming baby while juggling my toddler. I often joke with people I had PTSD after Hartley's early babyhood. But even said in jest, there was a great deal of truth to that. At the end of my pregnancy my blood pressure was high and my liver was becoming sluggish. The doctors told me I had to calm down - that this baby could be a totally different experience. I thought they were all morons. 

Well, Patrick Frank entered this world as cool as a cucumber. I swear, I don't think I heard him cry his first week of life. In contrast, Hartley cried every single minute she was awake her second day of life - no exaggeration. It was the hardest day of my life.

So I asked the doctors, was something wrong with Patrick? Why wasn't he crying more? When was he going to start screaming? "He might just be an easy baby" they said. 

At his two week appointment, there were two women in the waiting room that had their two week old babies with them. Both of them were with their husbands. Both talking about how tough things were going, and the group looked a little defeated. And here I was, without my husband, feeding my 10 pound two-week old, he was happy as a clam, loving life. I honestly kind of felt like I was on vacation because I didnt have my toddler in tow. I swore up and down to both of them that this was some freak happening. I'm not a baby whisperer, I don't have my shit together, and the other shoe will drop soon. 

When I was back with the doctor, I again asked what was wrong. Why wasn't Patrick crying? And he was sleeping so much! Not on my chest - in a bassinet! 

The doctor told me everything checked out with Patrick; I should just savor this.

I savored it but I was always waiting for the boom. Every time I said he was easy I wondered if I was jinxing myself. I wasn't. He really was the world's easiest newborn. 

As he grows older, I see more of his personality shining through. He is so completely different from Hartley in every way. It's often very strange for me to be having the complete opposite experience from Hartley at his age. Neither is better or worse than the other - just so incredibly different. 

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being easiest, 10 being the hardest: I'd give Hartley a 9.5 and Patrick a 1. And I'm actually so happy about the order in which we had them. Hartley couldn't do errands or sit down restaurants as a baby (without screaming bloody murder) but Patrick surely can. We can go places as a family of four, and I don't feel panicked, anxious and judged. Ok, I felt a tiny bit judged in baby ballet but my girl and I are going to own it and rock it anyway!

But one of the main reasons I wanted to write this, sometimes I see girls on social media who seem frazzled while others seem like peaceful goddess mamas. I wish I had realized that Hartley being a "tough" baby wasn't because I was a shitty mom. I had a baby that no baby whisperer could tame And my first go around to boot! So, of course I was one of the frazzled moms! In the midst of it, I couldn't see clearly but now I know I should've cut myself a break, and I shouldn't have compared myself to anyone else. 

And the second time around with an easy baby, I've thanked God so many times for that "break". It's not because I'm some magical, 2nd time mom unicorn that my son didn't cry as a newborn. I almost wanted to type a disclaimer on his sweet newborn pictures "disclaimer: he's easy and I've earned an easy baby". 

I can also say, if some women say they love the newborn stage - they probably have an easy baby. I LOVED Patrick's newborn stage. I could have lived it the rest of my life. Hartley's was easily the worst time of my life, and you couldn't pay me to go back there. Sorry bout it. 

Another interesting point, 7 months was the age when Hartley got easier because she loves to be active and this was the age she started getting around well. Patrick cries more now than he did as a newborn because he physically can't get around much, and he's frustrated.  See - opposites. Don't ask me how my first child took her first steps at 10 months and was running outside just after her first birthday - I don't foresee that for Patrick. 

I leave you on this note - you know how all people are different? Well take a minute to think about that. Babies are just very young people - so doesn't it make a great deal of sense that they should all be different from one another, too? 

Life lately

It's amazing how much life becomes a blur when you're busy taking care of tiny humans. Every other day I think about blogging about all of the things that are happening here but the truth is, there never seems to be any time to sit down and write.

I'm actually writing this as I watch my wild monkeys over the monitor, both boycotting naps because, you know, it's Monday. 

I haven't gotten around to blogging much about our new house but I can easily summarize by saying it is absolutely fantastic. It has been truly life changing to finally have the space our family of four needed. As the weather gets nicer, the yard has been a complete Godsend. It feels like this house was made for us, and we love it. 

Hartley continues to grow and learn so much by the day. I kind of feel like turning two has made her seem more like a little girl than a baby. She's gotten so much better at following directions and is amazing at playing independently. Most days she is my "easy child" as she is now requiring less than Patrick. 

She loves playing outside. Sidewalk chalk, wagon rides, swing set time, chasing Winnie - you name it, she loves being outdoors and lights up every time I ask her to sit so we can put on her boots. It's been so wonderful to get to have mornings where she and I play outside in our yard while Patrick naps inside. Of course this winter we've had a lot of fun indoors too. She's starting to love coloring. She continues to enjoy reading and playing with her stuffed animals and little people. She loves her toy kitchen she got for Christmas and ball pit she got for birthday. My parents got her a Little People airport and airplane that she loves. Being the strong girl she is she drags the airport around the house even though it's not a drag-around kind of toy! She's starting to love dress up. She'll put on her hat, sunglasses and animal ears ny chance she gets. She needs help with her fairy wings, tutu and super cat cape but she asks for them often. 

She is a huge animal lover. The other day Brian took her to PetCo to buy Winnie dog food, and girlfriend was in heaven over all the animals. Winnie is constantly getting hugged and petted. And if Winnie dares to walk away it's, "Wait! Winnie! Come backkk!" Then chasing ensues. 

She was a healthy eater, and we're still trying to push healthy stuff, but she's recently become a fan of cookies, cake, ice cream and Cheetos. I have no clue where she gets that from ;) I find myself spelling Cheetos all the time because the second she hears that word, it's over until you give her some!

We are still waiting to do her assessment with the county but as soon as we scheduled it, she's really started blossoming so much. I'm certainly still going through with the assessment as she's still not great at responding to her name and answering expressive questions (ie Hartley are you hungry? Hartley do you want _____ ?)

She loves singing, and that's probably my favorite "new trick" of hers. From the ABCs to Happy Birthday to even the Sesame Street theme song - it's all great. She also loves giving hugs and "kisses" (which she just gives you her cheek to kiss but obviously she's got to make you work for it!). 

There is no shortage of personality or sass with that girl. She's funny and spunky and sweet.

Oh, and I almost forgot the very best thing lately - she is becoming such an incredible big sister. We have FINALLY gotten to the crazy, adorable sibling love, and it is the best thing ever. I never tire of hearing Hartley say "Patrick". The other day when she was with all of us she looked around and said "Mommy, Daddy, Patrick, Winnie", and my heart could've burst out of my chest. She loves to feed Patrick and help give him baths. And I've started catching her randomly go up to him and give him hugs. 

Now to Patrick. So funny I type out "Patrick" because I most often call him "Patty", which I swore I would never do! He got his first tooth a couple weeks ago! It's adorable. Hartley always got two at a time and got her first two at four months. So imagine my surprise when my 6 month old boy just got 1. It's the most adorable snaggle tooth ever! So you know that means he's been a drool factory, and don't ask me why by I find this drool stage to be very cute. 

He continues to be massive. It's hilarious because people are drawn to him like a magnet and they always comment on how much they love his red hair and his size. He always smiles and gains fans wherever he goes. I have to marvel at his disposition because I have never seen a baby like him. 

He is trying so hard to get moving. He gets frustrated but he just keeps trying! He's rolling, rotating, and inching around. He's been trying to get his legs up under himself to crawl but he has a ways to go. He can sit up on his own for a few seconds now. 

He is still very chatty. And sometimes it gets him into trouble with Hartley, who doesn't always adore his loud talking. He has managed to learn Hartley's creepy fake laugh that she does, and it's part creepy, part adorable. 

He loves Hartley so much. I had no idea how beautiful the sibling thing would be but watching him laugh at everything Hartley does is just too much. 

He loves hugs, kisses, tickles and being sung to. 

I know I'm likely forgetting things but this is what I can remember of this blur of a life I live.

As for me, in the past couple months I've finally started to feel like I have a great handle on things. At the end of each day I feel exhausted but I also feel so happy and my heart feels very full. Even on the hard days, I wouldn't trade this tiring existence for anything else in the world. 

And now the monkeys are ready to go again, perfect timing! 

Worry

I'll never forget the day I found out I was expecting Hartley. I remember being overjoyed and simultaneously worried that things wouldn't work out. I can honestly say this bizarre mixed emotion lasted my entire pregnancy. I read all sorts of things online that I shouldn't have. 

And I thought when she got here safely, surely I'd calm down. She'd let out a cry, we'd count ten fingers and ten toes, and I could at least let out a little sigh of relief. 

Then she got here, she let out a cry and we counted ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes but the worrying did not magically end. 

I remember she would cry for hours at a time. I worried what was wrong and if I was ill equipped to be a mother. Eventually we resolved these horrible bouts of pain crying upon the discovery of the most expensive formula known to man. For a moment, I stressed about the money spent on said formula but soon that was replaced by the worry I felt whenever I took her in public and she would scream endlessly because she hated unfamiliar places and faces. I wondered if I'd ever be able to leave my house again without hearing endless wailing from this tiny human. 

She eventually outgrew that, and I worried every time she got sick. I worried every time she met a milestone a day later than when the Internet deemed appropriate. I worried every time she face planted and blood would gush out of her mouth. A word to the mother's of immobile babies, when they face-plant walking on cement or they flip their pottery barn chair - they will fall and bite their tongue or lip and you will not even understand how so much blood can exit such a small wound.

Then I got pregnant, I worried about how I would juggle two very young children. I worried that I was robbing Hartley of her babyhood. I worried I wouldn't love Patrick as much as I loved Hartley. I worried Hartley would feel neglected while I tended to him and vice versa. I worried I wouldn't show them love equally. I worried I'd never figure out how to juggle two under two in public.

I have worried about everything - from what I've fed my kids to if they know they I love them. I've worried if they think less of me when I cry in front of them or have a nervous breakdown and yell.

And lately, I worry that they'll be different than their peers and get made fun of. I worry that any of their shortcomings, no matter how small, are my fault. I wonder if the little things I worry about now will be giant things down the road. And yet I worry that all this worrying will be a waste of this precious time we have together. 

This is motherhood. It is taking every ounce of your energy, every far reaching space of your brain, every fiber of your being and investing it whole-heartedly in to another person. It is knowing that there is nothing you care about more in this world than your children and their happiness. And it is the most fucking exhausting thing on the planet. 

Lately I honestly feel like I'm burnt out. I'd just rather have a day off from thinking and worrying and taking care of everyone. 

But somehow Hartley has learned to give me these magical hugs with her arms around my neck, face nuzzled right up to me. And she doesn't pull away. Since she can't say, "I love you", this is her version. It reminds me why I do this and why I worry. 

I love her and Patrick more than anything else in this world. I've literally googled to find the day when you stop worrying about your kids but I'm guessing it just a part of the lifelong role of motherhood. 

To my babies - I'll worry about you now and forever because that is exactly how long I will love you. 

Double doctor visit

So today the babes had their first "double appointment". The idea of taking an energetic 2 year old and a massive 6 month old to the doctor just sounded daunting so I asked my mom to come along to help. She was a huge help during our very long appointment. She held Patrick while I kept an eye on Hartley and talked to the doctor. It was also nice to have her there because my mom spends a lot of time with Hartley so I felt she could also offer helpful input for the doctor. 

I finally requested to have a certain doctor when I made the appointment. The doctor I choose to see is my favorite at the practice - very calm, relaxed attitude but certainly not dismissive, an extremely important balance to me. She's also great with Hartley. 

I kicked off the appointment by talking to her about my concerns regarding Hartley's "language". I'm using the word language because I hadn't been able to pinpoint my concerns in one word but the doctor Hartley saw last referred to it as language development. I brought the list of words Hartley knows like they asked. She conservatively knows and can say over 150 words. 

The doctor had no concerns about her word count. She actually said certain things were advanced. She said Hartley knowing her alphabet and counting is actually something they discuss at the 3 year appointment! 

But the concerns with Hartley are her inability to respond to her name, inability to answer certain questions (not quizzing her vocabulary questions, she obviously does that well), not doing parallel play with other kids, not forming many 2-3 word phrases, not using "me/my/I/mine, and just generally not being very social (the doctor observed and said this).

The appointment took a long time so it wasn't just me answering these questions - the doctor was able to observe Hartley for herself.

She referred me to the county to have Hartley assessed. 

Now this wasn't some earth-shattering, all the dark clouds roll in type of moment. I didn't cry or freak out. But let's get real, it sucks to hear that your kid isn't doing things their peers are doing. Everyone wants their kid to be progressing normally. For me, in the past well visits were about finding out my kids' percentiles and admitting to a doctor that I suck at getting her to eat vegetables. The waiting room usually takes longer than the appointment itself, we get chik-fil-a on the way home and I post a Facebook picture saying "yay! My kid did great at the doctor!" 

I'm not used to walking out with a referral to the county because my child has an "expressive language delay". 

My personal philosophy is that everyone learns different things at different rates (not just babies -adults, too!), and I'm okay if my kid is slower in certain areas. I'm truly fine with things taking more time to develop. But with that said, I also think being proactive with her being assessed and with her learning is very important. My biggest job in life is preparing my kids for the world, and I'll do whatever I have to to build a good foundation for that. 

But, yeah, it sucks and it hurts a little. 

On to Patrick. I laughed as I wrote these last three words because I definitely thought everything was fine with Patrick. Obviously most people know that there is an issue with one of Patrick's kidneys, so I figured they'd touch on that and tell me not to over feed him because he's massive. 

He weighed 25 pounds, 10 ounces. If you know babies, you know that is huge- 99th percentile. He's 81st for height. Nothing ground-breaking there. 

Anyway, he was diagnosed with mild hypotonia, a fancy way of saying his muscle tone isn't great. He can lift his head but he tends to slump over a lot. He can't sit up on his own. His legs tend to collapse under him. It's very hard for a 6 month old baby to support so much weight. People with small babies don't know this but a giant baby is going to have trouble doing certain things because they have to support so much more weight. People love Patrick's size because its adorable but it truly is very challenging to have a baby that big, and you can't understand it unless you've had a really big baby. It's harder to carry him around and hold him out to have him use his legs. 

They recommended using a bumbo seat. His thighs literally don't fit in a bumbo seat. They recommending holding him and having him push down with his legs. They recommended using an exersaucer. I'm also going to try doing more supported sitting and tummy time for him. Brian and I are hoping this can correct itself over time with "exercise". It's such a shitty thing to hear though. Hartley definitely didn't have these issues but I think she weighed like 7 or 8 less pounds than Patrick at 6 months, which is a huge weight difference for babies only half a year old. 

My mom called a bit ago to say she felt like she wasn't sensitive enough today. She totally was though. 

The truth is, some of this makes me feel like a shit bag of a mother. It really does. It blows. But that said, I have a lot on my plate every day of my life. Falling apart or being sad aren't really luxuries I cannafford. 

So we'll move on from today, tuck it behind us. I'll try to have Patrick exercise, and I'll wait to hear back from the people who will come out to conduct the assessment. Um, major bonus points for ths being free and that they come out to your house! 

And at the end of the day, even if life isn't always perfect, I'm so thankful for my two relatively healthy children. There are far worse case scenarios, and even if this hurdle is a big one for us right now, I'm grateful it's not something worse.