Worry

I'll never forget the day I found out I was expecting Hartley. I remember being overjoyed and simultaneously worried that things wouldn't work out. I can honestly say this bizarre mixed emotion lasted my entire pregnancy. I read all sorts of things online that I shouldn't have. 

And I thought when she got here safely, surely I'd calm down. She'd let out a cry, we'd count ten fingers and ten toes, and I could at least let out a little sigh of relief. 

Then she got here, she let out a cry and we counted ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes but the worrying did not magically end. 

I remember she would cry for hours at a time. I worried what was wrong and if I was ill equipped to be a mother. Eventually we resolved these horrible bouts of pain crying upon the discovery of the most expensive formula known to man. For a moment, I stressed about the money spent on said formula but soon that was replaced by the worry I felt whenever I took her in public and she would scream endlessly because she hated unfamiliar places and faces. I wondered if I'd ever be able to leave my house again without hearing endless wailing from this tiny human. 

She eventually outgrew that, and I worried every time she got sick. I worried every time she met a milestone a day later than when the Internet deemed appropriate. I worried every time she face planted and blood would gush out of her mouth. A word to the mother's of immobile babies, when they face-plant walking on cement or they flip their pottery barn chair - they will fall and bite their tongue or lip and you will not even understand how so much blood can exit such a small wound.

Then I got pregnant, I worried about how I would juggle two very young children. I worried that I was robbing Hartley of her babyhood. I worried I wouldn't love Patrick as much as I loved Hartley. I worried Hartley would feel neglected while I tended to him and vice versa. I worried I wouldn't show them love equally. I worried I'd never figure out how to juggle two under two in public.

I have worried about everything - from what I've fed my kids to if they know they I love them. I've worried if they think less of me when I cry in front of them or have a nervous breakdown and yell.

And lately, I worry that they'll be different than their peers and get made fun of. I worry that any of their shortcomings, no matter how small, are my fault. I wonder if the little things I worry about now will be giant things down the road. And yet I worry that all this worrying will be a waste of this precious time we have together. 

This is motherhood. It is taking every ounce of your energy, every far reaching space of your brain, every fiber of your being and investing it whole-heartedly in to another person. It is knowing that there is nothing you care about more in this world than your children and their happiness. And it is the most fucking exhausting thing on the planet. 

Lately I honestly feel like I'm burnt out. I'd just rather have a day off from thinking and worrying and taking care of everyone. 

But somehow Hartley has learned to give me these magical hugs with her arms around my neck, face nuzzled right up to me. And she doesn't pull away. Since she can't say, "I love you", this is her version. It reminds me why I do this and why I worry. 

I love her and Patrick more than anything else in this world. I've literally googled to find the day when you stop worrying about your kids but I'm guessing it just a part of the lifelong role of motherhood. 

To my babies - I'll worry about you now and forever because that is exactly how long I will love you. 

Double doctor visit

So today the babes had their first "double appointment". The idea of taking an energetic 2 year old and a massive 6 month old to the doctor just sounded daunting so I asked my mom to come along to help. She was a huge help during our very long appointment. She held Patrick while I kept an eye on Hartley and talked to the doctor. It was also nice to have her there because my mom spends a lot of time with Hartley so I felt she could also offer helpful input for the doctor. 

I finally requested to have a certain doctor when I made the appointment. The doctor I choose to see is my favorite at the practice - very calm, relaxed attitude but certainly not dismissive, an extremely important balance to me. She's also great with Hartley. 

I kicked off the appointment by talking to her about my concerns regarding Hartley's "language". I'm using the word language because I hadn't been able to pinpoint my concerns in one word but the doctor Hartley saw last referred to it as language development. I brought the list of words Hartley knows like they asked. She conservatively knows and can say over 150 words. 

The doctor had no concerns about her word count. She actually said certain things were advanced. She said Hartley knowing her alphabet and counting is actually something they discuss at the 3 year appointment! 

But the concerns with Hartley are her inability to respond to her name, inability to answer certain questions (not quizzing her vocabulary questions, she obviously does that well), not doing parallel play with other kids, not forming many 2-3 word phrases, not using "me/my/I/mine, and just generally not being very social (the doctor observed and said this).

The appointment took a long time so it wasn't just me answering these questions - the doctor was able to observe Hartley for herself.

She referred me to the county to have Hartley assessed. 

Now this wasn't some earth-shattering, all the dark clouds roll in type of moment. I didn't cry or freak out. But let's get real, it sucks to hear that your kid isn't doing things their peers are doing. Everyone wants their kid to be progressing normally. For me, in the past well visits were about finding out my kids' percentiles and admitting to a doctor that I suck at getting her to eat vegetables. The waiting room usually takes longer than the appointment itself, we get chik-fil-a on the way home and I post a Facebook picture saying "yay! My kid did great at the doctor!" 

I'm not used to walking out with a referral to the county because my child has an "expressive language delay". 

My personal philosophy is that everyone learns different things at different rates (not just babies -adults, too!), and I'm okay if my kid is slower in certain areas. I'm truly fine with things taking more time to develop. But with that said, I also think being proactive with her being assessed and with her learning is very important. My biggest job in life is preparing my kids for the world, and I'll do whatever I have to to build a good foundation for that. 

But, yeah, it sucks and it hurts a little. 

On to Patrick. I laughed as I wrote these last three words because I definitely thought everything was fine with Patrick. Obviously most people know that there is an issue with one of Patrick's kidneys, so I figured they'd touch on that and tell me not to over feed him because he's massive. 

He weighed 25 pounds, 10 ounces. If you know babies, you know that is huge- 99th percentile. He's 81st for height. Nothing ground-breaking there. 

Anyway, he was diagnosed with mild hypotonia, a fancy way of saying his muscle tone isn't great. He can lift his head but he tends to slump over a lot. He can't sit up on his own. His legs tend to collapse under him. It's very hard for a 6 month old baby to support so much weight. People with small babies don't know this but a giant baby is going to have trouble doing certain things because they have to support so much more weight. People love Patrick's size because its adorable but it truly is very challenging to have a baby that big, and you can't understand it unless you've had a really big baby. It's harder to carry him around and hold him out to have him use his legs. 

They recommended using a bumbo seat. His thighs literally don't fit in a bumbo seat. They recommending holding him and having him push down with his legs. They recommended using an exersaucer. I'm also going to try doing more supported sitting and tummy time for him. Brian and I are hoping this can correct itself over time with "exercise". It's such a shitty thing to hear though. Hartley definitely didn't have these issues but I think she weighed like 7 or 8 less pounds than Patrick at 6 months, which is a huge weight difference for babies only half a year old. 

My mom called a bit ago to say she felt like she wasn't sensitive enough today. She totally was though. 

The truth is, some of this makes me feel like a shit bag of a mother. It really does. It blows. But that said, I have a lot on my plate every day of my life. Falling apart or being sad aren't really luxuries I cannafford. 

So we'll move on from today, tuck it behind us. I'll try to have Patrick exercise, and I'll wait to hear back from the people who will come out to conduct the assessment. Um, major bonus points for ths being free and that they come out to your house! 

And at the end of the day, even if life isn't always perfect, I'm so thankful for my two relatively healthy children. There are far worse case scenarios, and even if this hurdle is a big one for us right now, I'm grateful it's not something worse. 

"Behind"

Brian took Hartley to the doctor on Saturday because she wasn't acting like herself. It turned out to just be cold but while he was there he got some news no parent wants to hear. The doctor said Hartley's language seemed behind.

Now I will say, Hartley knows ALOT, I actually think shes very intelligent for her age, but she definitely doesn't use her language very socially. She talks the most with me but around others she talks very little or babbles. The doctor was concerned with her babbling and said half of what Hartley says should be understandable to strangers. 

She asked Brian to have us write down the things Hartley says and bring it in to her two year check up next week.

Now I've been losing sleep over this - worrying that my child is behind. I'll admit before the doctor said this it has crossed my mind that there's a possibility that Hartley is on the spectrum. I flip flop between that possibility and this just being her personality. 

She's been very independent since birth. And while she does engage people she's generally most interested in doing her own thing. She lines things up. Shes very interested in numbers and counting. And my biggest concern - she rarely responds to her name. 

I'm starting to compile my list. I figured I'd share this - partially as therapy but partially as a record.

Here goes the list. 

Words Hartley knows and phrases she uses by catergories: 

- knows numbers up to 20 (she knows sequences but also out of context)
- knows alphabet (same as above)

Foods she knows:

Apple juice
Milk (nilk)
Waffle (faffle)
Banana (bah-nina)
Apple

Apple sauce
Corn
Green beans 
Hot dog
Cheese
Cheetos
Chips
Cookie
Cake
Crackers
Lemon (lemmie)
Eggs (eggies)

Pizza

Mac n cheese
Cup
Fork

Shapes:
Star
Circle
Octagon 

Colors:
Black (back)
White 
Brown
Pink
Purple
Green (geen)
Blue
Red
Orange

Yellow
(Says the word "colors" to refer to markers and crayons) 

People:

Mommy
Daddy
Poppy
Nana (Nina)
Winnie (our dog)
Nutty (my parents' dog)
Baby (has said Patrick a few times)

Anatomy:
Eyes
Nose
Mouth
Ears
Belly button (calls Be-boo)
(Knows where all of these are on herself, others and stuffed animals)

Words:
Hi
Bye bye
Good night (can say good night mommy/daddy)
Go to sleep (she says this then lays down and pretends to snore)
Asleep

Open
Help
More _______
More please
Wait
Stuck
Yeah 
No
Stop
Outside
Boots
Shoes
Sunglasses

Hat
Coat
Brush
School bus
Plane
Truck
Car
Choo choo (train)
Poo poo in dipe
Pee pee in dipe (dipe for diaper)
Sun

House

Ball

Flower
Ghost 
Witch

Hug

Kiss

"Good girl" - she says to us when we tell her no and then she does the right thing

Outside things:
Rock
Leaf
Slide
Pumpkin

Butterfly (fly) 

Animals and their sounds:
Cat
Kitty
Dog
Pup
Doggie
Horse
Cow
Pig
Owl
Sheep
Goat
Cheetah (very random!)
Frog (fog)
Bat

Monkey

Bear

Woof
Meow
Neigh
Baa
Moo
Ribbit
Hoo

Can request certain books, i.e. Will say "Five Black Cats" (favorite book) 

Knows pieces of songs and will sing very short phases, 1-3 word (ranges from toddler songs to Taylor swift - "bad blood")

Characters: 
Elmo
Cookie
Abby
Oscar
All Paw Patrol Characters
Some bubble guppies 

She does script her books - we read a variety of books but she has memorized some and will fill in the blanks. 

I love my girl. She seriously is the sweetest. And if there is something wrong, I know my job is to do whatever I can to help her. I'll likely be updating the blog to share what I learn! 

almost two

I literally don't know where to start this blog entry. I guess the best place to start is by stating this, Hartley Glenn is my soulmate. 

I remember when she was born I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I questioned if things would ever come naturally, if I'd ever figure things out. She had a set of lungs on her, and I couldn't always soothe her. I had done so much research and yet when she got here I was a mess. Every new stage I felt like I was just guessing and fumbling. But something magical happened somewhere along the way over these last almost-two years. It clicked. I became the world's leading Hartley expert, and I genuinely feel I know her better than anyone. And I love her like no one else. I get her sensitivities and her silliness - she feels like my little soulmate of a daughter. 

At almost two, she is becoming more independent by the day. She asks me for things. It feels incredible to finally have this level of communication! I'm always so impressed when she says "mo peas" to me. This is Hartley speak for "more please". I often hear "mo cookies? Peas". "Bubbles peas". Shrieks of laughter as she calls out for "weeee" aka Winnie. I also always try to have on hand the other popular requests: apple juice, apple sauce, crackers, chips and bananas. Oh, and of course, pizza. 

At almost-two, Hartley loves baths and being read to. Her favorite toys include a wood puzzle, her little people farm, her tea set, shape flashcards (weird, I know), and her purses with fake phones, wallets and cosmetics. She loves to brush her teeth and her hair. She asks me to put bows in her hair. She loves stuffed animals - her very favorite being a white cat from nana and poppy. She loves all animals but especially cats. She loves wearing cat ears, pretending to be a cat and her favorite book is Five Black Cats, a gift from her great aunt Kathleen. 

She loves to dance. She loves to make random objects hats. 

She's almost always smiling and laughing. 

She's smart. She knows a lot of words. She knows her colors. I think she now has every letter of the alphabet. She can count to 20. She knows a lot of animals and the sounds they make. She knows a lot of various foods. She knows some shapes - her favorite to say is octagon, which always cracks me up because it seems like it'd be the hardest. She knows Mommy, Daddy, Winnie, Nana (she calls Nina), Poppy, Nutty - but Patrick is still "baby".

Her favorite tv shows are Sesame Street, Bubble Guppies and Paw Patrol. She spent all of December asking for "Elmo Day", which is what she called the movie Elmo's Christmas Countdown. She loves singing to a song in it called "Almost Christmas". 

Her girlie side is coming out a little more. She puts on necklaces and headbands. The other day I gave her her first make up lesson - how to put on Chapstick. But she also still loves cars, trucks and trains ("choo choos"). She loves playing in the dirt and hasn't met a puddle she didn't like!

I'm noticing her get a little more shy than she once was but we still make friends wherever she goes! 

I truly wish I could bottle this age up. I feel like I'm going to miss it the most some day. Some day she'll articulate her words clearly, and I won't see her playful spout of blonde hair racing around the house at lightening speed.  Until then I'm trying to soak up all the cuddles and all the toddler kisses I can get. Yes, I forgot her adorable kisses, which are just her saying "MUAH" and giving me her cheek to kiss.

I love my sweet little girl more than words could say. And my birthday wish for her this year is that she never loses her sunny disposition, her wild spirit and her never ending curiosity.