Solid food.

So, let me just start by saying, a couple months ago, I was so excited to start Hartley on solid foods. 

"Oh my god, she doesn't even know what she's missing. She's going to love it! I can't wait to watch her try all these fun foods. I'm going to make my own, and it'll be so fun."

Okay, well, two months ago Page, you were so wrong. You will end up hating the shit show that is "trying solid foods".

My normally happy baby hates "solid" food. And I can't blame her, I hate it, too. It's insanely depressing. 

Every few days, I blend up food in that Tiffany blue food processor that I thought would make this "even more fun." I spoon it into these perfect little freezer containers specifically meant for my nutritious homemade baby food. When I put some on a spoon to feed it to her, you'd think I was trying to feed her dog shit with the reaction I get. The look of disgust. Tightly clasped lips that I can't even force a spoon into. Then after a while, I make peace with the fact that I'm wasting food, and let it make it's way to the garbage disposal. Then I stand at the sink watching it whirl down into the food graveyard. I scrub the little container, wondering why I even made that in the first place. And I repeat a second time later in the day - if I feel ballsy enough. 

Then I look at Hartley and think, "whatever you want. Just eat formula forever. After all, some women in the 90's lived on slim fast shakes alone. You'll just be one of those people I don't understand who doesn't love food."

And then I remember the doctor telling me that between 6-8 months is the best time for babies to learn. And shit, that clock is ticking. She'll be 8 months before I know it. 

So I've decided to make my way to my Mecca , Target, today. Hoping their baby food aisle with the adorably marketed, over priced fancy baby food will actually appeal to my kid. I'll Pinterest the shit out of this problem. Text my friends for advice. Go on amazon trying to look for a book on babies who hate food and how to feed them nutritionally sound meals they'll eat. Just reading that makes you realize how much parenting has evolved from the days that the doctor told you just to start on rice cereal and buy gerber jars. 

But I had to get on here and vent. And tell the world how I don't get it. I swear, I fiend for food like a crack addict fiends for a fix. Like, it basically would take a straight jacket to keep me from eating French fries if they're placed in front of me. I mean, even I ate some of Hartley's puréed bananas... if I had them in the house, I'd drizzle them in chocolate, mix in some rum and sip it through a straw. 

And I know, I know, there's a learning curve. But how long does it take? A few weeks? A few months? And how come no one tells you this? I swear I've seen a thousand pictures of kids devouring smash cakes. 

If I put a smash cake in front of Hartley, I'm pretty sure she'd ask to have to removed from her tray and replaced with a stuffed monkey. And then I would eat the cake in less than 5 minutes. 

Time to try a new plan. Because this just won't do. And add this to the "WTF? Why does no one tell you?" list. Yes, non parents take note, not all babies instinctively love solid food. Your garbage disposal and/or dog might start to really earn it's keep. 

"What is this, Mom? It ain't going in my mouth." 

"Trust me, kid. I'd rather be changing a deuce right about now."