Proud

The last blog I wrote about Special Ed preschool I wrote for myself. I wrote it to vent but I didn't fully disclose why I was venting. That week was a hard week. Hartley couldn't focus; she could hardly sit still. She was speaking in a lot of gibberish. And if I'm being brutally honest, I cried almost every night. 

I cried in part because I was completely unsure how I could continue to maintain my patience despite her "head in the clouds" behavior. I also cried because I was so frustrated and defeated. I was completely unsure if we had made any progress since starting speech therapy and since enrolling her in her spring activities. And I honestly kind of wanted to just let out a scream because I didn't get why everything was moving at a glacial pace. 

I emailed with her service coordinator and her speech therapist; I had to ask what else I could do. I felt so helpless. Was I failing her? I didn't think so but things just weren't going that well. They said to just keep doing everything I was doing. 

I'm happy to report, that week was just a bad week. It felt like we were backsliding but it was just an "off" week. And after many conversations about the speed at which things were progressing, I resolved to continue to try to make peace with the fact that some milestones are just going to happen later here. 

Last week we had a quick meeting to discuss and schedule some assessments for Hartley. I'm going to admit, in the waiting room I was feeling fantastic because Hartley was talking up a storm. 

When we got called back, she found a giant pile of toys in the corner of the room and quickly settled in and began to play. I was so proud of my little girl; she was so easy and happy. I wanted to sit there and just watch her but I had to swivel my chair around and pay attention. Though I'll admit, sometimes I uncomfortably tuned out of the voices talking about development and opted to hear the clanking together of the plastic blocks instead. No matter how nice and sensitive all of the people we've met along the way are, sitting around a table with strangers and analyzing the crap out of your child's development is awkward. 

I'll admit as vocabulary words poured out of Hartley and she behaved like an angel, I was feeling very proud. I was taken down a few notches when one of the women said to us, "I just said her name a handful of times and she didn't respond at all". At one point I think I got a little defensive and recited what I've said so many times, "well, she's so bright and we wonder if she's just shy and introverted like my husband and I are". 

One of the ladies chimed in and said she didn't think it was shyness. She thought (and I do agree with this) that Hartley presented some sort of social/emotional deficiency. 

I actually spoke up here and said that I agreed. With Hartley, so far, we always referred to this as a "language delay", and I find that to be a very inaccurate description. Hartley has a beautiful mastery of language and she learns new words very quickly. The functionality of her language is different; it's not as conversational as it should be. And the concern from her initial assessment was - why does someone with such a large vocabulary not want to use it conversationally? Or why can't she use it more functionally? 

This panel did think Hartley needed to be further assessed. We scheduled the assessments, and I flip flop daily on whether or not I think she'll be deemed special Ed. I'm constantly trying to not be dramatic or negative but also not be in denial. All the while I'm fairly certain objectivity is impossible to maintain as a mom so fiercely passionate about her children. 

However, today I've actually come to my little space on the Internet to brag a little bit. Yesterday I had my proudest moment of motherhood to date, and I feel the need to shout it from the proverbial rooftop. 

The past couple weeks, things have really been clicking for Hartley. She's doing such wonderful things that she would've never have done a couple months ago. She's starting to be able to consistently bring us things we ask for. She's started making major improvements in being able to make choices or answer yes or no questions. The other day my mom asked her on the phone "do you want to go to the pool with nana?" She said "yes", and we were both in full shock. And the hugest thing? We've heard her use "I" a handful of times. The other day she said to me, "I want Popsicle purple". It was seriously the most beautiful sentence I've ever heard. You better believe that kid got a purple Popsicle! And I bought 40 Popsicles at the store today so she can repeat that sentence as much as she likes, and I can honor it :) 

Sorry, I had to spew all of that because we have been working so, so hard. 

However, I have to tell the story of the real cherry on top of all of this. I bought Hartley a few rewards for doing so well at the meeting on Tuesday. One of these treats was the book In My Heart. It's a book about feelings. 

I surprised her with the book when she woke up from nap on Thursday. She loved it so much she asked me to read it over and over. Each page of the book talks about a different feeling and at the end of the book, it poses the question, "how does your heart feel?" Well, after the fourth time reading the book, and the fourth time reciting the question, "how does your heart feel?" Hartley looked me right in the eyes and said "happy". I cried. I couldn't believe it. I've always been able to tell she was happy by her smiles and laughs. But at 2 years, 4 and a half months, she verbalized it to me for the very first time.  It felt so glorious. 

I've always been proud when my children have hit milestones, ahead or behind. But this particular thing, asking Hartley a question and having her give an answer about something as abstract as a feeling? Unreal. And I'll toot my own horn, I'm so proud of myself, too! Because milestones that I've actually had to work hard to teach have honestly been a little extra sweet.  

My heart feels very, very PROUD!