Honest Ramblings from the Mom who toured Special Ed Preschool

A week ago we toured a county run special Ed preschool for Hartley. She took to the classroom and teachers right away. I was thoroughly impressed with everything. The teacher was just fantastic and sweet; she said she thought Hartley would be a great addition to their class. But as we left I said a little prayer: "God, please don't let my child be special Ed." I loved the teachers, the classroom and all the awesome things they do with the kids but I just wanted professionals to deem Hartley "typical" instead. 

I've spent the past few months of my life celebrating her victories, not even thinking about when other kids hit the same milestone. 

They say the ability to respond to one's name comes into play at 9  months. I now believe this because Patrick can. Yes, my 9 month old son is better at responding to his name than his 2 year old sister. 

But when Hartley does respond to her name, I cheer like you wouldn't believe - partly because I'm giving her positive reinforcement so she'll do it again sometime and partly because I am so overjoyed that my child is acknowledging me on my terms. I have said her name literally hundreds of times without her flinching. I wondered if she was hard of hearing but an audiologist shot that theory to hell. 

Regardless, I celebrate her victories one after the other, no matter how small. And I feel like because of this, I've been blissfully ignoring my child's shortcomings. I tell myself whether she's developing typically doesn't matter because she is developing. The way she speaks is very basic and babyified but she's speaking! She articulates things well! And I brush off her weird scripting and her inability to answer the simpliest of yes or no questions. I tell myself she's just quirky and introverted. 

Then I see her around another kid or someone brings up pre school or something, and I'm forced to face reality. I'm forced to wonder if there's something wrong with my kid. I know there is. I know she wouldn't be receiving speech therapy otherwise. But I wonder, is this just a speech delay that she'll catch up from? I reassure myself that it is. But lately I've started to let reality sink in, it could be more than that. When we talk about special Ed preschool we're talking about getting a "label" like developmentally delayed or the autism spectrum. 

Then I wonder how will that affect all my hopes and dreams for my child. Maybe 16 years from now I'll be moving her into a UVA dorm room laughing about the fact that I've ever let my mind go there. But who knows. I surely don't. 

I'm processing this finally. I'm trying to look at my child objectively. I'm trying to not be sad at the thought of her receiving a label on her school record. I'm trying not to be jealous when I hear other two year olds hear their name and come running or answer their parents' questions. I'm starting to realize that this isn't because of some shortcoming on my part. Lord knows that child has been exposed to so much and has been socialized - but I'm starting to think that her brain is just wired differently. She just needs something extra that I'm not equipped to give her. Praying for her not to qualify for special Ed preschool isn't the answer. 

And I know, these thoughts and feelings and this situation may be trivial compared to terrible things other parents have gone through. I'm aware there are other parents out there praying for their babies to live another day. And sometimes I feel guilty because I'm sitting here worrying about if my child will receive a label telling me she's different from her peers. But I guess the only justification I have for that is we all just want the very best for our kids - and that's why I sometimes cry about all of this. 

Every day we truck on. I wait to hear from this screening committee. I try to do whatever the speech therapist tells me to do. I try to stay patient when sometimes I just want to scream. I try to balance keeping this in perspective and staying positive while still being proactive for my child. 

I guess no one has ever said motherhood is easy. It really isn't! But lately I've found myself just praying that I'm doing the right things, hoping for everything to just work out. I also know, however, no label will ever define who she is. Hartley Glenn is one of a kind!