Our Appointment at Children's Hospital

I wish I had the energy to write about this more in depth. I think soon I'll get there, and I will. 

I feel like the process we've gone through since Hartley turned 2 is so foreign to people that I try to write using detail so it's a little more clear. 

I guess I'll just come out and say it though with out a lengthy detailed build up. Today a developmental pediatrician at Children's Hospital confirmed what I've suspected for a while now - Hartley is on the autism spectrum. 

When the doctor said it, I cried. I felt like I had stayed so solid and strong throughout our appointment that I was so pissed at myself when I felt that warm water start to roll down my cheek. I felt so dumb. I wasn't shocked so I didn't know why I was crying.

I immediately blurted out, "I'm so sorry. I don't mean to cry. I'm not sad; I'm just really tired."

The doctor, who was absolutely fabulous, chimed right in, "No, you're allowed to cry. It's upsetting to hear, and it's a lot to take in. And it's taken you a long time to get here." 

She had Brian hand me a box of tissues, and in that moment I felt better. I've beat myself up so much this whole process for not being stronger, for not being better. And in that moment to be told it was okay to cry just felt like such relief. Finally someone wasn't saying "it could be worse" or "I'm sure it'll be okay" or telling me how their child does weird shit, too. A specialist at a widely-respected hospital said, "your daughter has autism, and it's okay to cry about it". 

I dried my tears and listened to her elaborate and tell us a little plan of action. I was so blown away by how great this doctor was. She gave us great feedback, tangible advice, and offered to be there for our questions. She also said she wants to see Hartley again in 5/6 months; she wants to track her progress closely. 

The doctor said some things we already knew including that autism nowadays doesn't look at all like what it used to be. Years ago before the definition changed to being a spectrum people envisioned people with autism as sitting rocking in a corner muttering to themselves, completely checked out. Hartley is actually extremely bright - which this doctor confirmed - but she sometimes just lives a bit inside of herself. And with early intervention, the doctor seemed confident (as are we) that this can be lessened or corrected. 

Hartley is inflexible, sensitive, independent and sometimes aloof. However, she is also silly, happy, creative, talented, intelligent, sweet, caring, spirited and beautiful. She certainly is quirky and different but still absolutely perfect. 

Social skills don't come as naturally to Hartley as they do to the rest of the world. And it's hard for me as her mother to watch her struggle with certain things that children her age don't have to struggle with. Yes, it could be far worse, but it's still not fair. She doesn't deserve extra challenges. 

I still have plenty of goals, hopes and dreams for my daughter. The sky is her limit but I do know things will be more challenging, and she likely will face some adversity. I know her timetable for her development, at least for now, will be different. We certainly will always be trying our very best but I've resolved to accept that some things will come in a little more slowly for us. That's okay; the world would be a snooze if everyone were the same.

I'm constantly trying not to worry about her future. I'm always reminding myself to just enjoy now, and I'm still working on that. Who knows, that's probably always going to be my work in progress. 

Lastly, I would like to end by saying I'm not looking to a label to define my daughter. Honestly, there actually was a tiny bit of relief hearing a doctor give her a clinical diagnosis because its made so many things over the past few years of my life make sense. So many things that were challenging about Hartley as an infant and now as a toddler are a little more explained. For some reason, that helps me. It helps me to know that my mother's intuition wasn't wrong. It oddly comforts me to know that I knew things were different first, long before I ever blogged them. However, with all of that said, my child is not a label. She certainly can't be put in a box. She's truly the most unique child I've ever known so seriously watch out, world :)