Eligible.

Today Hartley was found eligible to receive special education services from Fairfax County Public Schools. They said she has developmental delays in two areas: language and social emotional development. This was no shock to us as last Friday we read her report, and it was not good. In fact, her report hit Brian and I both very hard; it was upsetting and made us wonder if things were worse than we had been thinking. The percentiles they had assigned her were in the lowest quartile, and they had written she had characteristics that indicated she was "very likely" on the autism spectrum. 

The day we received her report, we both cried. It was probably the hardest day to date. Honestly, Hartley's development has stalled out lately and this was that proverbial cherry on top. Brian decided we couldn't just sit around so we took the kids out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and then to the playground. For once, it wasn't oppressively hot; it was almost fall-like. I stopped thinking about all the negative crap I'd read hours before, and I got excited for the pumpkin patch. Hartley has actually been carrying around a hand soap that I had bought that's in a pumpkin shaped bottle, and I've been I thinking how picking an actual pumpkin will blow her mind. 

On the playground, she chased other kids. She doesn't entirely know how to engage them so she often tags along behind them. I always wonder if other parent's think it's weird but to me, it's so sweet how hard she's trying. That particular evening she actually stopped in front of another girl, she put her hand on her own chest, and said, "I Hartley!" I was so proud because I knew she was engaging the little girl to play. The girl was there with her big sister so she didn't take much interest in Hartley but luckily, Hartley never minds much when kids don't reciprocate. 

That night I went to bed so exhausted, overwhelmed and sad but I told myself tomorrow I wouldn't wallow. We'd move forward doing our very best, like always. 

We went to the beach, and Hartley had a blast. The first time I carried her out onto the sand she wrapped her sweet little girl arms so tight around my neck and the weight of her little body sank right onto mine. I could smell her shampoo scent lingering in her hair from the bath I gave her the night before. It was the very best hug. And she said clear as a bell, "I happy." She didn't say it the rest of the trip but her smiles and laughter said it all. It felt so good to see that. There's something very difficult about not being able to help your child progress like their peers. Honestly, you feel helpless and heartbroken. You feel like you're failing - even though you're definitely not. The reality is I probably do more for Hartley than most moms do for their kids. You might not know that because she talks funny or sometimes seems spacey or aloof. But on the beach when we left behind percentiles or delays or ASD markers, I felt like the best mom ever because my girl was so happy. That was so refreshing for my soul. 

As we drive home yesterday, reality crept back in. I went to bed anxious about today's meeting. I knew she'd be eligible but the thought if sitting in a room while strangers talked more about Hartley's shortcomings was just so unappealing. It's truly amazing we've made it through as many of these things as we have because you want to know my honest opinion? They fucking suck. At her ITC review last week I learned she's only met 1 of her 6 goals over the last 6 months. Yeah, that's super fun to hear. 

Today's meeting was awful. The ladies had no problem disclosing that Hartley is delayed and that's she's eligible. But god help you if you ask them to shed any light on the plan of action. Nope, that's another meeting for another day. Procedures, blah, no one wants to get sued. I find something so aggravating about these people repeatedly referring to this process as "complex". I guess I'm a stickler for teachers using words properly. This process isn't complex. It's actually very simple, though it varies based on the child. The word they are actually searching for is "inefficient". They take something that is already very stressful for a family, and they draw it out. I'm sure this has something to do with money or politics, probably both. But they condescendingly say to parents, "I'm sorry, we know this process is really complex." And the parent sits across the table thinking, no, I get the process, you've just made it more lengthy and inefficient than it needs to be and therefore, more stressful. 

One woman today, Sally, really got me. Brian met her last time and talked about how he really didn't like her. He said Hartley didn't like her either. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt - until she interrupted me today. I was talking about my concerns. They had just asked if I had any questions, so I was voicing mine. Then she interrupted me and made a crappy meeting even crappier. 

I was saying this:

I initially was very skeptical about having Hartley in special Ed preschool; I didn't think she would grow in that environment. But as time has passed and I've seen how she struggles in activities with typically developing peers (ballet) and then how she flourished in a special Ed setting at Pathways, I think it's actually a good place for her. I never ever in a million years would think I'd want my child in a special Ed setting but if I'm honest, I don't feel like community preschool is the right fit yet. Hartley requires special attention and extra patience. She has certain difficulties that kids her age just don't have, and I don't want her to go to school, have these difficulties ignored and have people think she's a behavior problem or dumb. She's not. 

As I voiced this in the meeting, Sally apologized for interrupting me as I spoke. She told me how Hartley probably won't benefit from being around a group of children that aren't using much language as it is. She said Hartley would be better off around typically developing children. 

She's a professional, I'm not. But in that moment, I felt crushed. I felt like we'd been thinking this special Ed preschool was the answer; it was going to make the difference. And here I am, no community preschool lined up for fall, though I still don't know if she could hack it there anyway. And I'm being told that putting my slowly developing child around other slowly developing children is just not going to do anything. In that moment, I started losing faith in this system and these people. They are obsessed with their procedures and their business day limits, and they have forgotten the human aspects of this. I bet Sally doesn't even know that I've cried into my pillow wondering what my daughter's future will be like. Because surely if she had, she would've listened to me. 

So later today, maybe I'll be raising a glass to Sally and this situation. But right now, I'm raising a middle finger to her and the horse she rode in on. And to FCPS, because we're not getting started on the right foot. I've yet to see the wow factor here. But I'm hoping and praying it comes later. 

I'm sorry I have no way of concluding on a high note. I have no way of putting a beautiful spin on this. At the end of the day, I'll enjoy my daughter regardless of where she falls in relation to her peers.