The cranesicles - a random rambling

I used to call our embryos our little cranesicles. Little frozen baby cranes. They were these abstract things to me. Just groups of cells that sat in a freezer that I could assign a cutesy name to.

After having Hartley, things changed drastically for me. They weren't abstract things anymore. They became Hartley's brothers and sisters, our sons and daughters. The more I get to know her and see her personality develop, the more I wonder about her siblings. And it breaks my heart that I won't meet all of them. And I feel guilty. 

Someday, whatever we don't use, will be donated to another couple. And our biology will become someone else's miracle child. And for the rest of my life, I'll have this curiosity if someday, somehow I'll ever cross paths with one of them. 

I was talking to my mom yesterday about going back to the clinic and doing another frozen embryo transfer (not now but later). I asked if she'd be willing to baby sit Hartley during some of my appointments. She was surprised. She told me she thought after Hartley I wouldn't have any more kids. She said I was pretty convincing when I told her, "one and done!" 

I tried explaining my feelings to her, and I realized, no one will ever get this. It's too bizarre to explain to people. I must sound fucking crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

Then, and this just shows you how scary it is that my husband and I think exactly alike all the time, Brian brought it up to me. We were out for a family stroll last night when he started talking to me about it. 

He started off randomly: "I know you said the whole 'in two weeks' thing (referring to us quasi trying to get pregnant again) and I know it would be a blessing but -"

Then I was waiting. Oh god, he's going to say he thinks I'm nuts. He's going to say Hartley is already a handful, and he doesn't want other kids. He's going to think I was weird for even talking about other babies. 

Then he continued "but, don't you feel kind of guilty? I know it'd be amazing to get pregnant naturally and it'd be a miracle and wonderful. But don't you feel like Hartley's siblings are just sitting there waiting for us?"

I wanted to cry happy tears. I forget that I'm not the only one in our boat. I forget that Brian is in this, too. And it was so bizarre to have someone randomly say the words I had said earlier that day. It's a little crazy - the situation we're in. But I forget WE are in it. 

When a normal person reads this they will likely be confused by the feelings I'm describing. But it's so amazing to have the person I'm the closest to know the exact feeling.