The day started off great. I felt like I hadn't seen Hartley as much over the weekend since my parents baby sat twice, and I left her with Brian while I ran some errands. So I decided to go in to her room, while she was asleep and pick her up out of her crib. I took her back to my room, crawled in to bed and plopped her on my chest to sleep. When she eventually woke up, we went downstairs for breakfast. Her with her formula. Me, trying to be good, with my egg beaters. But once I realized I was still hungry, I gobbled up a couple Reese's eggs.
After breakfast, I changed her diaper and her clothes and made sure her diaper bag was packed. I loaded a couple bags of hand me downs a friend had lent us in the car along with a pair of too snug yoga pants to return to Target. We drove out to Sterling, dropped off the clothes then hit up Target to return the yoga pants. She was so perfect during our errands. We got home and I took her or a nice stroll. By the time we got home it was time for a change and a feed, and then the stars aligned and she napped.
While she napped, I ate lunch: a sandwich, chips, and more Reese's. I wrote a quick blog. Then I got busy. I folded her laundry and washed her bottles and pacifiers and tidied a little. I caught up on some thank you notes and put a few other things in the mail. I started working on dinner. Then when she woke and it was time for our usual diaper change and feed. Then there was story time and play mat time. And a couple meltdowns. And before I knew it, Brian was walking up the front walkway coming home from his day at work. I finished making dinner - a recipe he loves, my mom's enchiladas.
He ate. Then I took my turn eating. I hadn't showered in over 48 hours so I was going upstairs to take a bath, and Brian asked me just how much Easter candy I had eaten. To be honest, I killed 6 Reese's eggs in the course of 2 days. So yes, 3 eggs per day, plus some smaller chocolates here and there. Being that I've had to watch my weight for over a decade, I am well aware just how bad that was. And then he said something to me about it, I don't remember exactly what. Something about how was surprised I ate that much, and it was time to be healthy for Hartley. And I started to cry.
I thought I was winning yesterday. I thought I had finally managed to do more with my day than just keep Hartley alive, fed and clean. But all of a sudden I felt like a fat pig failure. I didn't do a work out DVD like I had planned. Hell, I was just proud of myself for pushing the stroller around the neighborhood. And I didn't know what to do other than cry at that point.
Honestly, I wanted to eat more Reese's right then.
My life is beautiful and wonderful. I love my sweet girl more than words can say. But something about the rinse, lather, repeat (and lack of that being literal) of my life gets me sometimes. I wipe the world's cutest butt to get the Dijon mustard looking poop off it (sidebar: I just learned about projectile poop the other day - its real and disgusting). I know I'm just going to be doing that same thing again in a couple hours: searching through adorable baby rolls to find poop stored away as if to add an extra surprise. So I eat chocolate, and it doesn't seem as gross somehow. Thank god her poop isn't remotely chocolate colored!
I'm going to attempt to get rid of my chocolate crutch. I'll join the rat race of suburban moms vying to be MILFs. But I hope I eventually find the proper motivation. Doing it because I want to do it. Because right now, I want to wear clothes with stretch, snuggle Hartley, and eat Easter candy. Here's hoping I wake up one day and want it for myself. And hopefully that day is soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment