bump picture, mexican food and my vow.

My 1st "Bump" Picture

1st thing Brian & I purchased for Baby Crane

I feel like there were a lot of pictures I wanted to put on here including 50 thousand pictures of all my pregnancy tests. I've decided to start with just two pictures. The first picture (the "bump", which is really just major bloat) was taken Sunday, June 2nd. I'm holding our baby's first picture, as an embryo. The bunny was ordered the day we found out I was pregnant and arrived a few days later. 

To start off and give credit where credit is due, the chalkboard idea is being adapted from a mommy blogger named Jessica Garvin who documented her bump pictures through amazing chalkboard designs. The truth is, I don't have her chalkboard skills but I absolutely love the idea. Until week 12, I think I'll be doing bump pictures every other week. Truthfully, right now I feel bloated and pudgy and don't even want to lie and call it a baby bump :)

The bunny was a very special first purchase. For two and a half years, I looked at pictures of nurseries to keep myself going. And a couple years ago, I picked out Pottery Barn Kids bedding that I loved. It was discontinued during our trying to conceive journey. Well, during our fertility treatment I fell in love with bunny themed bedding from Pottery Barn Kids. Low and behold, it was discontinued during our round of IVF. I looked around for something equally as cute but never found anything. I'm going to figure out the bedding situation without the help of Pottery Barn Kids but I needed Baby Crane to have a bunny. And this one is so soft and sweet.

So far into this pregnancy, I'm feeling pretty good. I get the things many women describe as early pregnancy symptoms: nausea, tiredness, super human smelling power, emotional, and some food pickiness. To be honest, I haven't felt "normal" in a very, very long time so these things aren't a huge bother to me. It's not as though I went from even keeled hormones to crazy, spazzy hormones. 

Lately, this pregnancy has been all about freaking Mexican food. Last night, we went to the grocery store to buy chips, queso, and guacamole. Today, I made a Chipotle lunch run, which has become a pretty regular thing for me. I don't now what it is but I can not get enough Mexican food in my belly. I mean, I am a quarter Mexican and Mexican food IS delicious but it's crazy to be wanting it at any time of day, every day.

Lastly, while I went through fertility treatments, I made some promises. Here they are for the world to read:

1. I always promised myself that once I got pregnant I would savor it. There are so many women who deserve a biological child and don't get to have one, and I try to remember that every day. I'm not saying that I think the remaining 8ish months will be a breeze but I owe it to every woman who doesn't get to experience this to embrace it and always strive to find the wonderful in it. 

2. On a less sweet note, I vowed never to become a "mommy". I want to be a loving mom and do right by my kids. But when I start using words like "stinkin" OR talking about "mommyhood", someone please punch me in the face. I vow to not talk about my kids poop. I vow to not obsess. I vow to still be Page and not some freaky mommified version of myself. Yes, freaky mommified. Some ladies own that freaky mommified shit but it is not my deal.

We will have our first sonogram on Monday so I might just have to throw a picture of the little bean onto the blog. At this point it will look just like a teeny blob. But I'm sure I'll think it's an adorable blob.  God knows I think my dog is the most adorable dog on the planet (which she is) so it would stand to reason that I'll think my blob is the most adorable blob ever. 

5 Weeks (as of yesterday)

The reason I started this blog was to organize my thoughts and vent about something that was extremely hard for me. But I'm so overjoyed that my blog gets to transition into an actual baby blog.

Eventually, once I'm a little further along, I'd like to get one of those cutesy survey formats but for the time being I'll be a little random.

So far, my pregnancy only has one horrible, crappy side effect - insomnia from hell. I can easily tolerate tearing up at the sight of roadkill or smelling smokers from a half mile away. Queasiness, acid reflux and I all go wayyy back so I don't mind them either. But my God, what does a girl have to do to get a little sleep? Since I found out I'm pregnant (a little over a week ago), I haven't slept through the night once. Take last night for example, I slept from 10 pm-12:30 am, then 4 am - 6 am. Writing this blog on 4.5 broken hours of sleep, I gotta say I'm a little bitter than I didn't get the magic pregnancy sleepiness that some ladies get.

Some may say this is practice for when the baby gets here. But I'll just keep hoping it turns around so I'll actually have the energy to push a human being out of my vagina in 8 months.

But I must say, minus the insomnia, I'm as happy as a clam. And so is Brian.

He is completely catering to me - especially in the form of running out to get me Chipotle everyday. Yep, that's my only real craving, and it's the only thing that tastes good lately. Don't worry, I'm forcing in nutritious food so my child does not come out in the form of a 10 pound Chipotle burrito.

I've bought baby crane (aka burrito?) a couple small things. And he/she has already received their first gift.

Brian and I have talked a lot about the nursery, and we're both on the same page. And we've only had our baby names picked out for forever.

I definitely have a lot of research I need to do on all things baby. I don't want them to hand off baby crane to me and get home from the hospital and think, "Now what the hell do I do?"

We have some things we're going in start working on shortly. We're going to clear out what is in the nursery. It's not much but we converted it in to a makeshift office before starting IVF. And I'm going to start looking at paint swatches. I'm also going to compile the ultimate registry list. That will take much research but I want to make sure I do it right.

I also need to decide whether to stay with my current OB-GYN in McLean or look around for someone more experienced and ideally, a little closer. Decisions, decisions.

Either later today or tomorrow, I will update with some pictures of the happenings so far. Yay! My blog finally won't just be lots and lots of words!

Meanwhile, I'll be giving the evil eye to anyone who looks well rested...

The Day I Found Out.

June 1st, 2013 is permanently etched in my mind as the most wonderful day of my life to date. 

Let's start the day before, Friday, May 31st. That day Brian and I went with my sister and her boyfriend to St.Michael's, Md. We ate a bunch of crabs and then walked around the town going in to little shops. I saw the cutest little crafty signs about grandparents and wanted to buy them for both sets of our parents but had no idea if the transfer had indeed worked. It was a million 91 degrees and super sunny. I told Brian I felt kind of dizzy walking through the little stores. I told him it must've been a bad batch of crabs because I felt nauseous, too. Then it came time to eating ice-cream. I wanted the biggest bowl on the face of the earth. But shortly after starting the ice-cream, I was forcing it down. I finally just handed the rest off to Brian which he was pleased about. I paid all of this weirdness no mind.

The next day was the day of my dad's retirement party. Brian asked me if I wanted to go to the gym that morning before we started our day. I told him the couch was more appealing. He went on his merry way. I finally started to do some reading about the IVF two week wait. To my surprise I learned that a 5 day frozen embryo transfer isn't nearly a "two week wait". Women can get positive pregnancy tests in as little as 5 days after their transfer. I thought to myself, "Whoa, I'm 8 days past my transfer."

I ran upstairs and peed in a cup. The pee was clear. Bad idea, Page. Dump that super clear pee down the toilet. (In case you aren't familiar, you want some nice medium-dark urine, concentrated stuff for a pregnancy test.)

I go downstairs and continue reading. I decide, screw it. I'm going to use some stupid clear pee, and it'll be negative but what the hell. Well, it was stupid clear pee. But it sure wasn't negative. 

Holy shit. How am I going to tell Brian?! All cutesy ideas tossed out the window, I just called him. He had just gotten out of the gym. I told him, "don't be mad at me." He asked why he would be mad at me. I explained I peed on a freaking stick damn early... but that it was positive. We talked the whole time he drove home. When he pulled in, he ran inside to inspect the stick. His eyes welled up with tears. He was soaked it sweat from the gym, and he hugged me so tight. He held me for a solid 10 minutes, and our bodies were shaking we were both crying so hard.

I debated whether or not to tell my family. It's rare for my sister to be in town. I decided I wanted to tell my parents first, then my siblings. I actually drove to my parents' house, and they weren't there. It felt like the longest few hours of my life just waiting to tell them right before the party. 

I gave my dad a little sign/plaque. When he was opening it, I told him it was a retirement gift. The sign read something like, "The sweetest things in life are sometimes the littlest things, Grandbabies." Under it I put a note that read, "I'm so glad you're retiring so you'll have plenty of time to spend with your first grandchild, expected to arrive February 8, 2014." It took a second for my dad to piece it together. I mean, the guy was preoccupied putting together a party for 90 people. My mom got a little teary. They are over the moon.

 After the party, I went home and peed on 2 more sticks - digital tests so they were less sensitive. But sure enough "YES" and "PREGNANT" popped up right away.

The next morning, another stick. Another "YES". I told Brian we'd wait until 9 am and then call his parents. My mother in law was crying tons of happy tears; probably almost as much as Brian and I had the day before. My father in law was out at the gym so we went over to their house and told him in person. We also called Brian's aunt and told Brian's siblings. Everyone was very happy.

The next day my in-laws sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers. And Brian's dad wrote him a very heartfelt e-mail telling him he'd be a great dad. 

I continue to pee on sticks. I continue to get the words "YES" and "PREGNANT". My blood test in Friday but I have not a single doubt in my mind that they will be delivering good news. And some time in the second half of June, I'll have my first sonogram. 

I won't say the past two and a half years have been easy. Sometimes they were excruciating. Some of the pain I felt was so horrible that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But my God, I am one very lucky person. I am so grateful every second of every day that Brian and I are finally getting the opportunity to be parents. Now it'll just be a nice little wait to finally hold and snuggle my baby crane. 

I am bloated, emotional, pregnant proof that miracles do happen. I don't deserve this miracle any more than any other infertile woman, so I will always remember how lucky I am and cherish something that many other woman will try so hard for and never get to have.