14 dpiui

It has been an extraordinary couple of days. My emotions have ridden the ultimate roller coaster. As have Brian's.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. 

12 dpiui - I test in the morning, and the test is negative. That day, I pleaded with God to let my luck turnaround. I told him I wasn't strong enough for IVF.

13 dpiui - St.Patrick's day, I test at 6 am and get another negative. I leave the test in my bathroom and a few hours later when I take another look at it -  there's a line. It's very, very faint but it's there.

I take another test a few hours later, an even fainter line but still something.

Brian and I think we've finally done it; we've made a baby crane. We decide not to tell my parents at family dinner because the line is so faint. I cried happy tears the entire drive to their house. Brian had done he same thing when he drove to the gym a couple hours prior. This is what it feels like, I thought. I can't believe I'm growing human life, a mixture of Brian and I. I'm going to be a mom.

14 dpiui - I test before going to the doctor, line is the same as yesterday. It's very, very faint. I bring the test to the doctor, and they won't draw any conclusions from this crazy light pink line. They draw blood. 

2:30 pm - The doctor calls. I brace myself. She starts with, "I'm sorry but I'm calling with bad news." I held back every ounce of emotion. I listened to exactly what she had to say. I didn't cry a single tear on the phone with her.

My beta level was a 2, likely indicating a slight bit of hcg left over from my trigger shot. The doctor said even if it weren't the shot, this would not be a viable pregnancy. She said that Clomid hasn't been getting us the results they'd like to see. They wouldn't want to go higher because the dosage is already so high. She said she recommends we begin IVF.

I am impressed with how composed I was on the phone. This was one of the hardest moments of my life. Yet, I pulled every bit of myself together to listen and ask questions. 

I finished with, "Thank you, doctor. This is not the news I was hoping for but I appreciate that we're on the same page, and we have a good plan. I feel very confident we'll have luck with IVF."

When I hung up the phone, I gave myself a huge pat on the back. I was so proud of myself. 

Yesterday when I thought I was pregnant, I realized that every single shitty moment of heartbreak or struggle was worth it. Now, I just need to add this one to the list and continue to try my best. 

Not many women know what this feels like. I guarantee to anyone reading this, you don't want to know what this feels like. But our character is defined by how we handle the unfortunate moments in our lives. I will cry. I'll give myself a few days to feel sorry for myself if I need them. I will mourn the end of another unsuccessful cycle. But I will not let this define me. I will keep trying and fighting harder than I ever have before. I will keep thinking positive thoughts. I will not give up hope.