Life lately

It's amazing how much life becomes a blur when you're busy taking care of tiny humans. Every other day I think about blogging about all of the things that are happening here but the truth is, there never seems to be any time to sit down and write.

I'm actually writing this as I watch my wild monkeys over the monitor, both boycotting naps because, you know, it's Monday. 

I haven't gotten around to blogging much about our new house but I can easily summarize by saying it is absolutely fantastic. It has been truly life changing to finally have the space our family of four needed. As the weather gets nicer, the yard has been a complete Godsend. It feels like this house was made for us, and we love it. 

Hartley continues to grow and learn so much by the day. I kind of feel like turning two has made her seem more like a little girl than a baby. She's gotten so much better at following directions and is amazing at playing independently. Most days she is my "easy child" as she is now requiring less than Patrick. 

She loves playing outside. Sidewalk chalk, wagon rides, swing set time, chasing Winnie - you name it, she loves being outdoors and lights up every time I ask her to sit so we can put on her boots. It's been so wonderful to get to have mornings where she and I play outside in our yard while Patrick naps inside. Of course this winter we've had a lot of fun indoors too. She's starting to love coloring. She continues to enjoy reading and playing with her stuffed animals and little people. She loves her toy kitchen she got for Christmas and ball pit she got for birthday. My parents got her a Little People airport and airplane that she loves. Being the strong girl she is she drags the airport around the house even though it's not a drag-around kind of toy! She's starting to love dress up. She'll put on her hat, sunglasses and animal ears ny chance she gets. She needs help with her fairy wings, tutu and super cat cape but she asks for them often. 

She is a huge animal lover. The other day Brian took her to PetCo to buy Winnie dog food, and girlfriend was in heaven over all the animals. Winnie is constantly getting hugged and petted. And if Winnie dares to walk away it's, "Wait! Winnie! Come backkk!" Then chasing ensues. 

She was a healthy eater, and we're still trying to push healthy stuff, but she's recently become a fan of cookies, cake, ice cream and Cheetos. I have no clue where she gets that from ;) I find myself spelling Cheetos all the time because the second she hears that word, it's over until you give her some!

We are still waiting to do her assessment with the county but as soon as we scheduled it, she's really started blossoming so much. I'm certainly still going through with the assessment as she's still not great at responding to her name and answering expressive questions (ie Hartley are you hungry? Hartley do you want _____ ?)

She loves singing, and that's probably my favorite "new trick" of hers. From the ABCs to Happy Birthday to even the Sesame Street theme song - it's all great. She also loves giving hugs and "kisses" (which she just gives you her cheek to kiss but obviously she's got to make you work for it!). 

There is no shortage of personality or sass with that girl. She's funny and spunky and sweet.

Oh, and I almost forgot the very best thing lately - she is becoming such an incredible big sister. We have FINALLY gotten to the crazy, adorable sibling love, and it is the best thing ever. I never tire of hearing Hartley say "Patrick". The other day when she was with all of us she looked around and said "Mommy, Daddy, Patrick, Winnie", and my heart could've burst out of my chest. She loves to feed Patrick and help give him baths. And I've started catching her randomly go up to him and give him hugs. 

Now to Patrick. So funny I type out "Patrick" because I most often call him "Patty", which I swore I would never do! He got his first tooth a couple weeks ago! It's adorable. Hartley always got two at a time and got her first two at four months. So imagine my surprise when my 6 month old boy just got 1. It's the most adorable snaggle tooth ever! So you know that means he's been a drool factory, and don't ask me why by I find this drool stage to be very cute. 

He continues to be massive. It's hilarious because people are drawn to him like a magnet and they always comment on how much they love his red hair and his size. He always smiles and gains fans wherever he goes. I have to marvel at his disposition because I have never seen a baby like him. 

He is trying so hard to get moving. He gets frustrated but he just keeps trying! He's rolling, rotating, and inching around. He's been trying to get his legs up under himself to crawl but he has a ways to go. He can sit up on his own for a few seconds now. 

He is still very chatty. And sometimes it gets him into trouble with Hartley, who doesn't always adore his loud talking. He has managed to learn Hartley's creepy fake laugh that she does, and it's part creepy, part adorable. 

He loves Hartley so much. I had no idea how beautiful the sibling thing would be but watching him laugh at everything Hartley does is just too much. 

He loves hugs, kisses, tickles and being sung to. 

I know I'm likely forgetting things but this is what I can remember of this blur of a life I live.

As for me, in the past couple months I've finally started to feel like I have a great handle on things. At the end of each day I feel exhausted but I also feel so happy and my heart feels very full. Even on the hard days, I wouldn't trade this tiring existence for anything else in the world. 

And now the monkeys are ready to go again, perfect timing! 

Worry

I'll never forget the day I found out I was expecting Hartley. I remember being overjoyed and simultaneously worried that things wouldn't work out. I can honestly say this bizarre mixed emotion lasted my entire pregnancy. I read all sorts of things online that I shouldn't have. 

And I thought when she got here safely, surely I'd calm down. She'd let out a cry, we'd count ten fingers and ten toes, and I could at least let out a little sigh of relief. 

Then she got here, she let out a cry and we counted ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes but the worrying did not magically end. 

I remember she would cry for hours at a time. I worried what was wrong and if I was ill equipped to be a mother. Eventually we resolved these horrible bouts of pain crying upon the discovery of the most expensive formula known to man. For a moment, I stressed about the money spent on said formula but soon that was replaced by the worry I felt whenever I took her in public and she would scream endlessly because she hated unfamiliar places and faces. I wondered if I'd ever be able to leave my house again without hearing endless wailing from this tiny human. 

She eventually outgrew that, and I worried every time she got sick. I worried every time she met a milestone a day later than when the Internet deemed appropriate. I worried every time she face planted and blood would gush out of her mouth. A word to the mother's of immobile babies, when they face-plant walking on cement or they flip their pottery barn chair - they will fall and bite their tongue or lip and you will not even understand how so much blood can exit such a small wound.

Then I got pregnant, I worried about how I would juggle two very young children. I worried that I was robbing Hartley of her babyhood. I worried I wouldn't love Patrick as much as I loved Hartley. I worried Hartley would feel neglected while I tended to him and vice versa. I worried I wouldn't show them love equally. I worried I'd never figure out how to juggle two under two in public.

I have worried about everything - from what I've fed my kids to if they know they I love them. I've worried if they think less of me when I cry in front of them or have a nervous breakdown and yell.

And lately, I worry that they'll be different than their peers and get made fun of. I worry that any of their shortcomings, no matter how small, are my fault. I wonder if the little things I worry about now will be giant things down the road. And yet I worry that all this worrying will be a waste of this precious time we have together. 

This is motherhood. It is taking every ounce of your energy, every far reaching space of your brain, every fiber of your being and investing it whole-heartedly in to another person. It is knowing that there is nothing you care about more in this world than your children and their happiness. And it is the most fucking exhausting thing on the planet. 

Lately I honestly feel like I'm burnt out. I'd just rather have a day off from thinking and worrying and taking care of everyone. 

But somehow Hartley has learned to give me these magical hugs with her arms around my neck, face nuzzled right up to me. And she doesn't pull away. Since she can't say, "I love you", this is her version. It reminds me why I do this and why I worry. 

I love her and Patrick more than anything else in this world. I've literally googled to find the day when you stop worrying about your kids but I'm guessing it just a part of the lifelong role of motherhood. 

To my babies - I'll worry about you now and forever because that is exactly how long I will love you. 

Double doctor visit

So today the babes had their first "double appointment". The idea of taking an energetic 2 year old and a massive 6 month old to the doctor just sounded daunting so I asked my mom to come along to help. She was a huge help during our very long appointment. She held Patrick while I kept an eye on Hartley and talked to the doctor. It was also nice to have her there because my mom spends a lot of time with Hartley so I felt she could also offer helpful input for the doctor. 

I finally requested to have a certain doctor when I made the appointment. The doctor I choose to see is my favorite at the practice - very calm, relaxed attitude but certainly not dismissive, an extremely important balance to me. She's also great with Hartley. 

I kicked off the appointment by talking to her about my concerns regarding Hartley's "language". I'm using the word language because I hadn't been able to pinpoint my concerns in one word but the doctor Hartley saw last referred to it as language development. I brought the list of words Hartley knows like they asked. She conservatively knows and can say over 150 words. 

The doctor had no concerns about her word count. She actually said certain things were advanced. She said Hartley knowing her alphabet and counting is actually something they discuss at the 3 year appointment! 

But the concerns with Hartley are her inability to respond to her name, inability to answer certain questions (not quizzing her vocabulary questions, she obviously does that well), not doing parallel play with other kids, not forming many 2-3 word phrases, not using "me/my/I/mine, and just generally not being very social (the doctor observed and said this).

The appointment took a long time so it wasn't just me answering these questions - the doctor was able to observe Hartley for herself.

She referred me to the county to have Hartley assessed. 

Now this wasn't some earth-shattering, all the dark clouds roll in type of moment. I didn't cry or freak out. But let's get real, it sucks to hear that your kid isn't doing things their peers are doing. Everyone wants their kid to be progressing normally. For me, in the past well visits were about finding out my kids' percentiles and admitting to a doctor that I suck at getting her to eat vegetables. The waiting room usually takes longer than the appointment itself, we get chik-fil-a on the way home and I post a Facebook picture saying "yay! My kid did great at the doctor!" 

I'm not used to walking out with a referral to the county because my child has an "expressive language delay". 

My personal philosophy is that everyone learns different things at different rates (not just babies -adults, too!), and I'm okay if my kid is slower in certain areas. I'm truly fine with things taking more time to develop. But with that said, I also think being proactive with her being assessed and with her learning is very important. My biggest job in life is preparing my kids for the world, and I'll do whatever I have to to build a good foundation for that. 

But, yeah, it sucks and it hurts a little. 

On to Patrick. I laughed as I wrote these last three words because I definitely thought everything was fine with Patrick. Obviously most people know that there is an issue with one of Patrick's kidneys, so I figured they'd touch on that and tell me not to over feed him because he's massive. 

He weighed 25 pounds, 10 ounces. If you know babies, you know that is huge- 99th percentile. He's 81st for height. Nothing ground-breaking there. 

Anyway, he was diagnosed with mild hypotonia, a fancy way of saying his muscle tone isn't great. He can lift his head but he tends to slump over a lot. He can't sit up on his own. His legs tend to collapse under him. It's very hard for a 6 month old baby to support so much weight. People with small babies don't know this but a giant baby is going to have trouble doing certain things because they have to support so much more weight. People love Patrick's size because its adorable but it truly is very challenging to have a baby that big, and you can't understand it unless you've had a really big baby. It's harder to carry him around and hold him out to have him use his legs. 

They recommended using a bumbo seat. His thighs literally don't fit in a bumbo seat. They recommending holding him and having him push down with his legs. They recommended using an exersaucer. I'm also going to try doing more supported sitting and tummy time for him. Brian and I are hoping this can correct itself over time with "exercise". It's such a shitty thing to hear though. Hartley definitely didn't have these issues but I think she weighed like 7 or 8 less pounds than Patrick at 6 months, which is a huge weight difference for babies only half a year old. 

My mom called a bit ago to say she felt like she wasn't sensitive enough today. She totally was though. 

The truth is, some of this makes me feel like a shit bag of a mother. It really does. It blows. But that said, I have a lot on my plate every day of my life. Falling apart or being sad aren't really luxuries I cannafford. 

So we'll move on from today, tuck it behind us. I'll try to have Patrick exercise, and I'll wait to hear back from the people who will come out to conduct the assessment. Um, major bonus points for ths being free and that they come out to your house! 

And at the end of the day, even if life isn't always perfect, I'm so thankful for my two relatively healthy children. There are far worse case scenarios, and even if this hurdle is a big one for us right now, I'm grateful it's not something worse. 

"Behind"

Brian took Hartley to the doctor on Saturday because she wasn't acting like herself. It turned out to just be cold but while he was there he got some news no parent wants to hear. The doctor said Hartley's language seemed behind.

Now I will say, Hartley knows ALOT, I actually think shes very intelligent for her age, but she definitely doesn't use her language very socially. She talks the most with me but around others she talks very little or babbles. The doctor was concerned with her babbling and said half of what Hartley says should be understandable to strangers. 

She asked Brian to have us write down the things Hartley says and bring it in to her two year check up next week.

Now I've been losing sleep over this - worrying that my child is behind. I'll admit before the doctor said this it has crossed my mind that there's a possibility that Hartley is on the spectrum. I flip flop between that possibility and this just being her personality. 

She's been very independent since birth. And while she does engage people she's generally most interested in doing her own thing. She lines things up. Shes very interested in numbers and counting. And my biggest concern - she rarely responds to her name. 

I'm starting to compile my list. I figured I'd share this - partially as therapy but partially as a record.

Here goes the list. 

Words Hartley knows and phrases she uses by catergories: 

- knows numbers up to 20 (she knows sequences but also out of context)
- knows alphabet (same as above)

Foods she knows:

Apple juice
Milk (nilk)
Waffle (faffle)
Banana (bah-nina)
Apple

Apple sauce
Corn
Green beans 
Hot dog
Cheese
Cheetos
Chips
Cookie
Cake
Crackers
Lemon (lemmie)
Eggs (eggies)

Pizza

Mac n cheese
Cup
Fork

Shapes:
Star
Circle
Octagon 

Colors:
Black (back)
White 
Brown
Pink
Purple
Green (geen)
Blue
Red
Orange

Yellow
(Says the word "colors" to refer to markers and crayons) 

People:

Mommy
Daddy
Poppy
Nana (Nina)
Winnie (our dog)
Nutty (my parents' dog)
Baby (has said Patrick a few times)

Anatomy:
Eyes
Nose
Mouth
Ears
Belly button (calls Be-boo)
(Knows where all of these are on herself, others and stuffed animals)

Words:
Hi
Bye bye
Good night (can say good night mommy/daddy)
Go to sleep (she says this then lays down and pretends to snore)
Asleep

Open
Help
More _______
More please
Wait
Stuck
Yeah 
No
Stop
Outside
Boots
Shoes
Sunglasses

Hat
Coat
Brush
School bus
Plane
Truck
Car
Choo choo (train)
Poo poo in dipe
Pee pee in dipe (dipe for diaper)
Sun

House

Ball

Flower
Ghost 
Witch

Hug

Kiss

"Good girl" - she says to us when we tell her no and then she does the right thing

Outside things:
Rock
Leaf
Slide
Pumpkin

Butterfly (fly) 

Animals and their sounds:
Cat
Kitty
Dog
Pup
Doggie
Horse
Cow
Pig
Owl
Sheep
Goat
Cheetah (very random!)
Frog (fog)
Bat

Monkey

Bear

Woof
Meow
Neigh
Baa
Moo
Ribbit
Hoo

Can request certain books, i.e. Will say "Five Black Cats" (favorite book) 

Knows pieces of songs and will sing very short phases, 1-3 word (ranges from toddler songs to Taylor swift - "bad blood")

Characters: 
Elmo
Cookie
Abby
Oscar
All Paw Patrol Characters
Some bubble guppies 

She does script her books - we read a variety of books but she has memorized some and will fill in the blanks. 

I love my girl. She seriously is the sweetest. And if there is something wrong, I know my job is to do whatever I can to help her. I'll likely be updating the blog to share what I learn! 

almost two

I literally don't know where to start this blog entry. I guess the best place to start is by stating this, Hartley Glenn is my soulmate. 

I remember when she was born I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I questioned if things would ever come naturally, if I'd ever figure things out. She had a set of lungs on her, and I couldn't always soothe her. I had done so much research and yet when she got here I was a mess. Every new stage I felt like I was just guessing and fumbling. But something magical happened somewhere along the way over these last almost-two years. It clicked. I became the world's leading Hartley expert, and I genuinely feel I know her better than anyone. And I love her like no one else. I get her sensitivities and her silliness - she feels like my little soulmate of a daughter. 

At almost two, she is becoming more independent by the day. She asks me for things. It feels incredible to finally have this level of communication! I'm always so impressed when she says "mo peas" to me. This is Hartley speak for "more please". I often hear "mo cookies? Peas". "Bubbles peas". Shrieks of laughter as she calls out for "weeee" aka Winnie. I also always try to have on hand the other popular requests: apple juice, apple sauce, crackers, chips and bananas. Oh, and of course, pizza. 

At almost-two, Hartley loves baths and being read to. Her favorite toys include a wood puzzle, her little people farm, her tea set, shape flashcards (weird, I know), and her purses with fake phones, wallets and cosmetics. She loves to brush her teeth and her hair. She asks me to put bows in her hair. She loves stuffed animals - her very favorite being a white cat from nana and poppy. She loves all animals but especially cats. She loves wearing cat ears, pretending to be a cat and her favorite book is Five Black Cats, a gift from her great aunt Kathleen. 

She loves to dance. She loves to make random objects hats. 

She's almost always smiling and laughing. 

She's smart. She knows a lot of words. She knows her colors. I think she now has every letter of the alphabet. She can count to 20. She knows a lot of animals and the sounds they make. She knows a lot of various foods. She knows some shapes - her favorite to say is octagon, which always cracks me up because it seems like it'd be the hardest. She knows Mommy, Daddy, Winnie, Nana (she calls Nina), Poppy, Nutty - but Patrick is still "baby".

Her favorite tv shows are Sesame Street, Bubble Guppies and Paw Patrol. She spent all of December asking for "Elmo Day", which is what she called the movie Elmo's Christmas Countdown. She loves singing to a song in it called "Almost Christmas". 

Her girlie side is coming out a little more. She puts on necklaces and headbands. The other day I gave her her first make up lesson - how to put on Chapstick. But she also still loves cars, trucks and trains ("choo choos"). She loves playing in the dirt and hasn't met a puddle she didn't like!

I'm noticing her get a little more shy than she once was but we still make friends wherever she goes! 

I truly wish I could bottle this age up. I feel like I'm going to miss it the most some day. Some day she'll articulate her words clearly, and I won't see her playful spout of blonde hair racing around the house at lightening speed.  Until then I'm trying to soak up all the cuddles and all the toddler kisses I can get. Yes, I forgot her adorable kisses, which are just her saying "MUAH" and giving me her cheek to kiss.

I love my sweet little girl more than words could say. And my birthday wish for her this year is that she never loses her sunny disposition, her wild spirit and her never ending curiosity. 

An Ode to the Peach Townhouse

When Brian and I got married we lived in a 762 square foot, 1 bedroom condo. I remember people would joke that our marriage must have been amazing because we flourished in such a teeny space. That was our home together for almost three and a half years. Even though is was very small and very leaky, it was the start of something beautiful. 

Then in July 2012, we bought our town home. It seemed like a mansion. 3 floors! 3 bedrooms! How on earth would be ever fill such a vast amount of space? And we had a yard! A real plot of land that was ours. 

In the beginning there were empty rooms. The storage room wasn't overflowing. And I distinctly remember Brian and I agreeing we'd live in this townhouse for at least 10 years.

At that time I was struggling to conceive and someone told me a beautiful proverb, if you make space for something in your life, it will happen. 

Well, let me just tell you - that proverb worked for us. In February 2014, we welcomed our beautiful Hartley Glenn. I'll never forget leaving the hospital, at 6.5 lbs she was basically swimming in her little winter pram. I remembered telling her she was going to love her home.

She grew bigger and bigger by the day. So did her collection of baby gear, toys and clothes. 

And then shortly before Christmas 2014, I got the shock of a lifetime when I learned I was pregnant again. We moved everything out of the 3rd bedroom to build another nursery. Another sweet first room - and this time for a baby boy.

In August 2015, we welcomed our sweet Patrick Frank. When we brought him home from the hospital we waited for my parents to drop off Hartley and Winnie. 

And there we all were for the first time - a family of four and our fur baby, five beings under what now seemed like a teeny roof. 

We talked about moving. But moving was really scary. We loved our townhouse and all the trails and playgrounds around it. We (especially me) had grown attached to it all. 

Then one day, Brian's wandering real estate eye spotted a gem online. We went to an open house the very next day, fell in love, and I was literally contacting our realtor on the car ride home, telling him we wanted to make an offer. 

Meanwhile, we hadn't even listed our townhouse. In our 9 year relationship, the was the first and only impulsive thing Brian and I have ever done. It's not really our style. But our reaction to the house was "that feeling". The one where you just know - this was our house. 

So here we are saying good bye to my favorite home I've ever known. It houses some of the very best moments of my life. But I'm hoping our next home will be the start to another beautiful chapter in our lives. It will house even more firsts, and we'll create new memories. 

But there will always be a special place in my heart for the little peach townhouse on Autumn Ridge, my babies' very first home. 

Thankful

Last night we were sitting in bed and Brian mentioned to me that it's been a long time since I'vewritten a blog. It's crazy how much we think alike because I was actually struck with inspiration yesterday afternoon when I was outside with the babies.

For weeks I'd wanted to do a "life lately" post. The truth is October was hectic. Between going to New Orleans for a weekend for my brother's wedding and then Brian traveling and doing recruiting events for work, it's been a little different from our previous months of adjusting to life as a family of four. I could write about what it's like to juggle a 2 month old and a 20 month old all by myself but honestly, summarizing it in one word is simple enough: tough. 

I'd love to sit down and write about all the amazing places the babies (but more so Hartley, as she goes places with Nana and Poppy) have been but I'd easily be writing all day long. In the spirit of quickness a list should suffice: Stribling Orchard, Pumpkin Village, Great Country Farms, Meadowlark Bontanical Gardens, Cox Farms, Frying Pan Farm Park, Chuckie Cheese, visiting the great grandparents in Maryand, and every playground Reston has to offer. Yes, October has been busy but wonderfully fun.

Anyhow, back to Brian and I talking last night, he told me he was proud of me. He told me lately I've had a positive attitude and a great handle on things. Honestly, I have my bad days just like everyone else but he's kind of right about being more positive. I think it's Hartley's age and the glorious weather and all the help I've received from my parents, it's working for me. And yesterday afternoon, the sun was cast in such a beautiful way on everything, Hartley crunched around in the fall leaves while a Patrick snoozed in his stroller - and I wanted to freeze time and stay in that moment. I felt exactly how we're told to feel in November; I felt incredibly thankful. 

A few months ago, I was terrified at the thought of having two small children to care for - every moment of every day. And maybe there was something stronger than just the smell of leaves in the air yesterday but I realized, I am so incredibly lucky. I have two beautiful, healthy children, and to say I'm thankful is probably the biggest understatement of all time. Every day I get to hold the most important beings in my life. I get to watch them grow and learn. And yesterday, I got to watch Hartley give her baby brother a kiss before he was whisked away by Brian for bath time. It's cheesy and cliche but the three of them melt my heart, and the fact that we're all here and healthy is the greatest gift. 

While I absolutely love my boys, Hartley is the one who teaches me the most about thankfulness. It may just be her age but everything through her eyes is amazing and fascinating. Yesterday I was so thankful to get to watch her. We were walking to the playground and she found all sorts of treasures: sticks, leaves, rocks and acorns (which she calls corns). Everything was so beautiful; it all had to be explored and studied. When we finally got to the playground, there was a dog, which meant I had to ask if Hartley could play with the dog. I always hold her back until I get I get the green light. I let her loose and she immediately went in for kisses and she pet him. Then once they established they were friends, she hugged the dog. The owner smiled from ear to ear because there really isn't a cuter sight than a 1 year old snuggling a dog. Hartley laughed hysterically at the dog wagging its tail. She popped her face in front of his, laughing so hard, almost to tell him, "you know that thing behind you is really silly, right?" 

In that moment, my heart felt like it could burst. I'm so thankful for this girl who has the very best spirit. She always wants to run wildly and yet she needs to stop to soak in her surroundings. 

She found her way to the playground where she greeted these cute, older girls with a sweet "hi". She marveled at them, and I was so relieved when they gave her the time of day. They were so nice and very maternal with her. It's amazing how as a mother you just want the world to be kind to your babies even when they are very little and don't fully understand things yet. 

She crawled up the slide. She teased me as I tried to get her to come down but she was more interested in doing "fake outs". 

There is not a thing in the world that compares to watching your children smile and laugh. This is what I am most thankful for. I'm thankful that even on our worst days I know I can get smiles and laughs out of them. 

I'm thankful to hear Hartley's soft voice say "mommy". She says "mommy" more than any other person. I'm thankful to feel her arms around my neck when she hugs me as I carry her. I'm thankful for Patrick still nuzzling and sleeping on his mom. I'm thankful to feel his warmth on my neck when he falls asleep on my chest. I'm thankful for his adorable, healthy rolls and his sweet gummy smile.

I could write on but I'm being summoned by these sweeties for which I'm so thankful.

I will return before the month is out to reflect on what I'm thankful for outside of my babies. Until then, enjoy all this cuteness. Babies in fall. It doesn't get better.