Proud

The last blog I wrote about Special Ed preschool I wrote for myself. I wrote it to vent but I didn't fully disclose why I was venting. That week was a hard week. Hartley couldn't focus; she could hardly sit still. She was speaking in a lot of gibberish. And if I'm being brutally honest, I cried almost every night. 

I cried in part because I was completely unsure how I could continue to maintain my patience despite her "head in the clouds" behavior. I also cried because I was so frustrated and defeated. I was completely unsure if we had made any progress since starting speech therapy and since enrolling her in her spring activities. And I honestly kind of wanted to just let out a scream because I didn't get why everything was moving at a glacial pace. 

I emailed with her service coordinator and her speech therapist; I had to ask what else I could do. I felt so helpless. Was I failing her? I didn't think so but things just weren't going that well. They said to just keep doing everything I was doing. 

I'm happy to report, that week was just a bad week. It felt like we were backsliding but it was just an "off" week. And after many conversations about the speed at which things were progressing, I resolved to continue to try to make peace with the fact that some milestones are just going to happen later here. 

Last week we had a quick meeting to discuss and schedule some assessments for Hartley. I'm going to admit, in the waiting room I was feeling fantastic because Hartley was talking up a storm. 

When we got called back, she found a giant pile of toys in the corner of the room and quickly settled in and began to play. I was so proud of my little girl; she was so easy and happy. I wanted to sit there and just watch her but I had to swivel my chair around and pay attention. Though I'll admit, sometimes I uncomfortably tuned out of the voices talking about development and opted to hear the clanking together of the plastic blocks instead. No matter how nice and sensitive all of the people we've met along the way are, sitting around a table with strangers and analyzing the crap out of your child's development is awkward. 

I'll admit as vocabulary words poured out of Hartley and she behaved like an angel, I was feeling very proud. I was taken down a few notches when one of the women said to us, "I just said her name a handful of times and she didn't respond at all". At one point I think I got a little defensive and recited what I've said so many times, "well, she's so bright and we wonder if she's just shy and introverted like my husband and I are". 

One of the ladies chimed in and said she didn't think it was shyness. She thought (and I do agree with this) that Hartley presented some sort of social/emotional deficiency. 

I actually spoke up here and said that I agreed. With Hartley, so far, we always referred to this as a "language delay", and I find that to be a very inaccurate description. Hartley has a beautiful mastery of language and she learns new words very quickly. The functionality of her language is different; it's not as conversational as it should be. And the concern from her initial assessment was - why does someone with such a large vocabulary not want to use it conversationally? Or why can't she use it more functionally? 

This panel did think Hartley needed to be further assessed. We scheduled the assessments, and I flip flop daily on whether or not I think she'll be deemed special Ed. I'm constantly trying to not be dramatic or negative but also not be in denial. All the while I'm fairly certain objectivity is impossible to maintain as a mom so fiercely passionate about her children. 

However, today I've actually come to my little space on the Internet to brag a little bit. Yesterday I had my proudest moment of motherhood to date, and I feel the need to shout it from the proverbial rooftop. 

The past couple weeks, things have really been clicking for Hartley. She's doing such wonderful things that she would've never have done a couple months ago. She's starting to be able to consistently bring us things we ask for. She's started making major improvements in being able to make choices or answer yes or no questions. The other day my mom asked her on the phone "do you want to go to the pool with nana?" She said "yes", and we were both in full shock. And the hugest thing? We've heard her use "I" a handful of times. The other day she said to me, "I want Popsicle purple". It was seriously the most beautiful sentence I've ever heard. You better believe that kid got a purple Popsicle! And I bought 40 Popsicles at the store today so she can repeat that sentence as much as she likes, and I can honor it :) 

Sorry, I had to spew all of that because we have been working so, so hard. 

However, I have to tell the story of the real cherry on top of all of this. I bought Hartley a few rewards for doing so well at the meeting on Tuesday. One of these treats was the book In My Heart. It's a book about feelings. 

I surprised her with the book when she woke up from nap on Thursday. She loved it so much she asked me to read it over and over. Each page of the book talks about a different feeling and at the end of the book, it poses the question, "how does your heart feel?" Well, after the fourth time reading the book, and the fourth time reciting the question, "how does your heart feel?" Hartley looked me right in the eyes and said "happy". I cried. I couldn't believe it. I've always been able to tell she was happy by her smiles and laughs. But at 2 years, 4 and a half months, she verbalized it to me for the very first time.  It felt so glorious. 

I've always been proud when my children have hit milestones, ahead or behind. But this particular thing, asking Hartley a question and having her give an answer about something as abstract as a feeling? Unreal. And I'll toot my own horn, I'm so proud of myself, too! Because milestones that I've actually had to work hard to teach have honestly been a little extra sweet.  

My heart feels very, very PROUD!

Hartley & Patrick Updates

I keep thinking that maybe it's time I wrote a blog because so much has changed since I last wrote in detail about the babes.  And I wish my mind weren't so scattered so I could write in a thorough, ordered manner. But my brain is a hot mess so this will be my best attempt at an update! 

The main reason I find it so difficult to sit down and write what's new is because something new happens every single day. Back when it was just Hartley, I could usually keep track of what's going on but nowadays that's just not the case! 

Patrick at 10 months continues to be a happy, easy baby. I'm not sure of his size because I have such a hate-hate relationship with my bathroom scale ;) But at 9 months, he weighed 28 pounds, 1 ounce. He was 99th percentile for weight and 98th percentile for height. And now that we are beginning to see Patrick upright much more I'm starting to notice that he really is a tall guy. Inevitably the Godfrey genes will kick in and Brian's NBA dreams for his son dashed - but for now, he's still a gigantic baby. 

Being that big, all of his gross motor skills have come in more slowly. As a first time mom I probably would've been worrying away but being the 2nd time around and having a 2 little ones to watch, it's been a godsend. I've actually told Brian my goal is for Patrick not to walk before our beach trip in September! 

With all of that said, he's still getting around a ton these days. "Where's Patrick?" is now a phrase used on a daily basis in our house. He army crawls all around the house. Since our family room is sunken in, he can go up and down that one step easily now. Hence, the "where's Patrick?" He can easily start in the family room and end up anywhere on the first floor. Which has made sweeping and vacuuming a much more frequent occurrence. 

He had been trying so hard to pull up for weeks. He was able to pull to kneel but struggled with getting up past that, and he always had the most defeated look. He's also had a hell of a time finding what to pull up on that could support his weight. Sadly, Hartley's chairs have just been flipping on him before he was able to get all the way up. Injuries have been on the rise in our house :( But today he managed to pull himself up on his crib railing, and he was so proud! Luckily my dad had just lowered the crib down to it's lowest setting a week ago - whew!

His favorite things right now are knocking down block towers, trying new foods (he loves Popsicles like his sister!), chasing Winnie, pulling Winnie's fur, and playing with Hartley. He also loves baths in the regular bath tub. Adios, pink whale tub! He and Hartley have been bathing together, and Patrick loves it! He loves to splash in the tub. He loves his inflatable baby pool. He loves wagon rides. He loves putting anything and everything in his mouth. He loves to bounce. I don't know what it is but both of my kids as babies love/d to bounce themselves. 

He babbles quite a bit. I've been working on "dada" with him because I'm well aware getting him to say mama first is a lost cause. Plus, I already hear "mama" a minimum of a hundred times a day ;) He's been also testing out sounds he can make so I often hear that creepy gasping Hartley used to do at this age. He has 5 teeth. Probably more actually but he definitely bites you if you try to look for them. Again, a 2nd mom thing - not worth it to know how many teeth if I stand to lose a finger! 

Things Patrick doesn't like. Let's see. If you take food away from him, he'll get upset. He can't do the swing for a notable period of time. I remember Hartley was the same after becoming good with mobility. He also doesn't like sitting to read a book. Hartley had the same thing at this age. They just want to eat the pages or wriggle themselves out of your lap! 

But for the most part, he just continues to be a happy guy. Generally always smiling, laughing and exploring. It really continues to be a golden age for him. 

On to Hartley. Or should I say, my little kid! She grows up so much each and every day. It's truly amazing. It's wonderful and scary all at the same time!  Her vocabulary continues to grow at the speed of light. Literally every day she learns at least one new word; she truly is a sponge. 

Her language is still pretty broken; however, every day that improves, too. She is beginning to piece together phrases or very simple sentences more and more. She has started to say simple things like, "Patick napping?" if she can't figure out where Patrick is. And yes, she calls him "Pah-tick".

She has also started talking more about who things belong to. Examples: Mama shoes. Hart-wee shirt. Patick car seat. Patick baby food. 

She says the most hilarious things. One day I plan on writing a blog with all of the funny things she says because there truly are so many. 

She has extremely strong expressive language and can ask for what she wants. It's often something like this:

"Mama! Mama! Mama!"

Yes, baby?

"Mo spinkles, peas. Spinkles on yogurt."

(This is Hartley speak for "I want yogurt with sprinkles, aka one of like 3 things she'll eat)

Hartley's speech therapist has told us though that she is echolailic, so sometimes when she asks for me, and I say "yes, baby?" She'll repeat back to me, "yes, baby?" 

And while we shouldn't encourage her, sometimes her repeating just makes me smile and laugh. One day she went up to Patrick and kept saying, "hi, handsome!" Which is something I always say to him. I loved it, even if it was just parroting. 

She does talk about herself in third person. We don't reinforce it but I do still find it to be very cute. While most kids this age can say, "I want to go outside", Hartley says it more broken. "Outside? Hart-wee shoes?" Because you do have to wear shoes outside!

She most recent "skill" has been spelling her name. She also likes to spell out words and I've noticed her trying to sound them out. It seems very early for reading but I could swear she's trying to.

Things she loves right now. Oh lord, a lot of things! I'm just going list style: coloring with markers or crayons, painting, drawing with sidewalk chalk, playing outside with her gigantic ball, going for wagon rides, eating Popsicles outside, playing on her swing set, putting toys down the slide, her inflatable baby pool, swimming in the real pool, strawberry picking (she went twice this spring), the beach, the sandbox at my parents house which she calls "the beach", dogs (especially our neighbor's dogs). She loves dressing up in hats, sunglasses and necklaces. She loves to sing and dance. She loves to do pretend play. She enjoys being read to and sung to. She loves hugs, high fives and cuddles. She blows kisses. Her favorite shoes are Sesame Street, bubble guppies, and paw patrol. She likes the Little Mermaid. Her favorite songs to listen to are Under the Sea and Hakuna Matata. She loves stuffed animals and sleeps with about 10 every night. She knows if one is missing and won't sleep without a missing friend! 

She's very sensitive and very kind-hearted. Any time she accidentally hurts someone or does something wrong, she is so quick to say "i'm sorry, mama/patick". She has a sweet little girl voice and I'll never tire of hearing her say "good night, mama" every evening and every nap time.

This spring she took swimming lessons, music lessons, regularly attended story time and she took ballet. A huge thank you to my mom for her help with those; she's been invaluable to getting Hartley out there to try all these great things. All classes are over though so we'll be hunting for fun summer activities soon, I'm sure. 

I'm sure I'm missing lots of things but that's the best my fried mom brain can do. I actually went to the doctor and asked about my lack of memory and all tests proved its just "mom brain". 

I guess a quick update on myself, I am the most exhausted I have ever been. I never fully realized how busy and tiring life with a 2 year old and 10 month old could be! I'm surviving on coffee, wine, occasional girls night out, bubble baths and Monday Bachelor nights. Oh, and prayers. I'm fairly certain I pray for physical strength, energy and patience daily. 

But everyone is healthy and happy and chugging along so I couldn't ask for more! Cheers to a fun summer ahead! 

Honest Ramblings from the Mom who toured Special Ed Preschool

A week ago we toured a county run special Ed preschool for Hartley. She took to the classroom and teachers right away. I was thoroughly impressed with everything. The teacher was just fantastic and sweet; she said she thought Hartley would be a great addition to their class. But as we left I said a little prayer: "God, please don't let my child be special Ed." I loved the teachers, the classroom and all the awesome things they do with the kids but I just wanted professionals to deem Hartley "typical" instead. 

I've spent the past few months of my life celebrating her victories, not even thinking about when other kids hit the same milestone. 

They say the ability to respond to one's name comes into play at 9  months. I now believe this because Patrick can. Yes, my 9 month old son is better at responding to his name than his 2 year old sister. 

But when Hartley does respond to her name, I cheer like you wouldn't believe - partly because I'm giving her positive reinforcement so she'll do it again sometime and partly because I am so overjoyed that my child is acknowledging me on my terms. I have said her name literally hundreds of times without her flinching. I wondered if she was hard of hearing but an audiologist shot that theory to hell. 

Regardless, I celebrate her victories one after the other, no matter how small. And I feel like because of this, I've been blissfully ignoring my child's shortcomings. I tell myself whether she's developing typically doesn't matter because she is developing. The way she speaks is very basic and babyified but she's speaking! She articulates things well! And I brush off her weird scripting and her inability to answer the simpliest of yes or no questions. I tell myself she's just quirky and introverted. 

Then I see her around another kid or someone brings up pre school or something, and I'm forced to face reality. I'm forced to wonder if there's something wrong with my kid. I know there is. I know she wouldn't be receiving speech therapy otherwise. But I wonder, is this just a speech delay that she'll catch up from? I reassure myself that it is. But lately I've started to let reality sink in, it could be more than that. When we talk about special Ed preschool we're talking about getting a "label" like developmentally delayed or the autism spectrum. 

Then I wonder how will that affect all my hopes and dreams for my child. Maybe 16 years from now I'll be moving her into a UVA dorm room laughing about the fact that I've ever let my mind go there. But who knows. I surely don't. 

I'm processing this finally. I'm trying to look at my child objectively. I'm trying to not be sad at the thought of her receiving a label on her school record. I'm trying not to be jealous when I hear other two year olds hear their name and come running or answer their parents' questions. I'm starting to realize that this isn't because of some shortcoming on my part. Lord knows that child has been exposed to so much and has been socialized - but I'm starting to think that her brain is just wired differently. She just needs something extra that I'm not equipped to give her. Praying for her not to qualify for special Ed preschool isn't the answer. 

And I know, these thoughts and feelings and this situation may be trivial compared to terrible things other parents have gone through. I'm aware there are other parents out there praying for their babies to live another day. And sometimes I feel guilty because I'm sitting here worrying about if my child will receive a label telling me she's different from her peers. But I guess the only justification I have for that is we all just want the very best for our kids - and that's why I sometimes cry about all of this. 

Every day we truck on. I wait to hear from this screening committee. I try to do whatever the speech therapist tells me to do. I try to stay patient when sometimes I just want to scream. I try to balance keeping this in perspective and staying positive while still being proactive for my child. 

I guess no one has ever said motherhood is easy. It really isn't! But lately I've found myself just praying that I'm doing the right things, hoping for everything to just work out. I also know, however, no label will ever define who she is. Hartley Glenn is one of a kind! 

The Beach

So we successfully took our first family of four vacation this week. We've taken Hartley on several trips but they were all to meet up with family so this was actually the first time we vacation just "our little family". 

I was actually pretty optimistic for how it would go and was only really worried for how we'd do with the whole sleeping thing. My reasoning was this: my normal life the ratio is one of me and two of them so this was actually a true vacation for me because my workload would be halved! Plus, life around the homestead can get a little stale, especially with boatloads of rain, so a change of scenery and heated indoor pool sounded pretty damn good! But obviously a hotel isn't a great deal of space for people to have private sleeping space. We picked a nice hotel that was set up with a small living room (enough to fit two cribs) and had a door to shut it off from the bedroom.

My only fear was that no one would sleep. The good news is that people actually did sleep... just not in the arrangement we thought. That ended up being totally fine because as all parents know, it's not really how you sleep, it's that you get to sleep that matters!

We left our house at 9:30 am on Monday to avoid rush hour traffic. The drive would usually take us about 3 hours but with kids it ended up being a little over 4 hours. There was a bottle and diaper change stop and a coffee & donut stop. All the important things! 

We did let Hartley watch tv in the car. We ordered a headrest tv for the trip, and it was perfect. And Patrick was good in the car with toys and books. He's now in his "big boy" car seat, which made the drive more comfortable.

When we got there it was raining so we decided to take our crew to the indoor pool. It was advertised as being heated but the heat wasn't on. However, our kids were so awesome that the cold water didn't stop them and they splashed around happily.

Since we didn't eat lunch on the road we were hungry for early dinner so after the pool we took them to this awesome place called Dead Freddie's. It actually has an outdoor eating area with a playground! So after Hartley was done eating I took her to the playground and Brian kicked back and had a couple beers with Patrick. We decided since the rain had stopped to take the kids to the beach that evening. Hartley went nuts for it. She loved the beach.

She actually calls the sandbox at my parents house, "the beach", so I thought she'd like the real deal. It did not disappoint. Brian showed her how to use her buckets and sand moulds and shovels. She thought it was great.

She wasn't nuts about leaving but bedtime was approaching, and Patrick had a runny nose that was tiring him out more than usual. 

This night we put Patrick down first, then Hartley. They both laughed and shrieked back and forth from their cribs. Then Patrick fell asleep, and Hartley managed to fall asleep, too. However, Patrick's congestion caused him to wake up after a little while so we took him into bed with us. He actually fell right asleep in our bed, and since it was a king size there was plenty of room. I slept like crap though because I was so afraid something would happen to him. 

The next morning we ordered room service - and as pathetic as it sounds that was a huge highlight of the trip for me. Having someone deliver a meal to you that you didn't have to prepare or clean up? Um, heaven. 

After breakfast, we took the babes to the beach. Keep in mind it was in the 50's the whole day so they were very bundled. Again, kids are so easy, they didn't mind. They did have cute beach outfits they never got to wear but oh well. 

Hartley discovered seagulls and seashells, and we had the whole beach to ourselves. When Patrick started getting tired, Brian took him back to the room to nap, and I took Hartley to the pool. Another highlight of the trip was having special one on one time with the kids. Hartley loved her mommy and me time at the pool. Added bonus was some lady had complained about the water temperature so the heat was turned on, and it felt so good! Hartley didn't want to leave the pool so I eventually had to bribe her ;)

We got back to the room, and Brian went out to pick up subs for lunch. Then after lunch it was time for Hartley to nap so Brian and Patrick left for the boardwalk. Our hotel became a girls napping suite because I napped, too! 

Our male counterparts were less lazy - Brian and Patrick walked 4 miles. They did the whole boardwalk and grabbed a beer at Hooters. Father son bonding at its best, right? 

After their boardwalk adventure, Hartley and I were up. So we all did the indoor pool together as a family. The kids again loved it. We took turns carrying each of the babies around the pool. Patrick was all about the splashing and kicking, and Hartley was more about the relaxing back float, resting the back of her head on my chest.

For dinner I didn't feel like schlepping the kids around in the cold and rain so Brian picked us up pizza. 

After dinner, he took Hartley to the arcade in the hotel, and she loved it. Patrick stayed up in the room with me. I got the room organized and tidied, and we relaxed and snuggled together.

Then we attempted having them share a room again at bedtime. Patrick we put down asleep. After about 20 minutes of Hartley calling out his name to wake him up - he woke up. He was so tired and not happy to be woken up by his crazy sister. So we put his crib in our room. He slept while we watched the New Girl finale. Then Brian and I crashed, and a good night of sleep was had by all! 

The next morning we decided since the kids loved the pool so much we'd take them for one last swim. They had a blast one more time at the pool. Then we headed out.

The drive home took a while because we did end up in some early rush hour on the way back. But we all bathed when we got home, put on fresh pajamas, and I managed to wash all the dirty laundry from the trip! Our dining room table is still covered in duffle bags that I'll eventually get to unpacking... someday! 

But honestly, I'm shocked at how well the trip went. There were no meltdowns or tantrums. Everyone enjoyed themselves. Brian and I managed to have energy and not be exhausted afterwards. I think we both wish we'd stayed longer but we did anticipate it being tougher than it was. 

I think if there was something we did "right" to make our trip so successful is that we planned the trip around the kids. It was a manageable length of car ride, a family friendly place to stay and not a long trip. I also think compiling a long packing list in advance was very helpful because an infant and toddler aren't exactly light travelers, and you don't want to forget anything they deem important.  But I also thank God for the vacation luck he sent us and hopefully next time the weather gods cooperate too!

Rainy days & Mother's Day

Rain, rain go away. 

The past couple weeks leading up to Mother's Day weekend have been all about the rain. In the beginning I was all about finding the good in it - an excuse to stay in our pajamas and watch some tv. I bought painting supplies for Hartley, and she went nuts for that. She is loving coloring and painting. 

We've been reading a ton. Patrick is army crawling around like nobody's business. Both kids had therapy this past week. We hosted a pizza party play date at the beginning of the week. But at the end of the week I felt like I was coming a little unglued. The rain has gotten to me. I hosted my first MOMS club play date on Friday morning, which went well but after that I was ready to collapse into a heap and just sleep until the sun comes out again! 

Of course that's not an option, and I had ballet with Hartley this morning. Last week I wanted a break and asked Brian to take her. She wouldn't do it without me. Brian said she darted out of the classroom every chance she got, screaming, "Mama! Mama!" So they bailed after ten minutes. Today, however, she did great. All she needs is her mama there and then she can shake her tush and bop her head and sometimes even follow directions ;)

I think the rain is making me a little off so I've been a little extra emotional this Mother's Day weekend. It's the first one since my grandma passed last summer, so that makes its kind of different. I guess I keep thinking a lot about how my mom doesn't have her mom this year, and that thought is really painful. I think about how I couldn't bear losing my mom and then I think about how my mom must be feeling. 

Then also my mom isn't here. She's in Europe - and totally deserves that vacation but I kind of wish I could hug her. 

So this Mother's Day it'll just be me with my little family - Brian and the babies. It's my first Mother's Day as a mom of two, and I feel ridiculously blessed. Patrick is the sweetest baby and the most amazing, chunky, happy addition to our family. It's hard to imagine he wasn't here last Mother's Day. 

Brian and the kids are taking me out for brunch tomorrow and then giving me the day "off". They gave me a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure so I'm thinking I'll redeem that, and I plan on lounging in bed and taking a bubble bath! 

Of course, I'll also do laundry and pack the kids for the beach. We leave on Monday for a couple days to go to Ocean City. Patrick will celebrate turning 9 months by putting his toes in the sand and seeing the ocean for the first time. I'm a tad nervous for our first family of four trip (the kids will be sharing a room for the first time which is what im nervous for) but mainly really excited. I can't wait to see what they think of the beach and pool. 

We'll do a little Mother's Day celebration with my mom when she gets back. That woman really deserves everything. She is such an incredible mother and nana. I almost thought about writing a blog for her but the truth is it would take days to write down all of the wonderful things about her. I'm lucky to call her my mom, and over the past few years I've loved seeing her as a nana to my kids. She loves them and takes care of them in the sweetest way, and it shows whenever Hartley makes imaginary phone calls, always saying, "Hi Nina!" She calls her Nina, asks for her regularly, and it's adorable. And Patrick gets his sweet smiling eyes from my mom; I love that people have started telling me that he looks like her. I know he loves her so much, too. She made him little Easter egg Maracas, and my little musician boy loves them. Can you tell I miss her? I do. 

It's funny how much becoming a mother has made me appreciate my mom so much more. She is seriously a real super mom, and my goal is to be half the mom she is :)

Well, better take whatever is left of nap time to rest up. We're having a cook out with my brother and sister in law tonight. Hartley will be so stoked to see them. Ever since she had brunch at their house last Sunday all I've been hearing about is her "uncle an-du and key-line". We're still working on the difference between aunts and uncles but for now this is pretty adorable!

And sorry this is written a little all over the place with the scattered thoughts and pictures but I slept like 4 hours last night so my mom brain is even worse than usuall! 

Infertility Awareness Week

I've read a few different places that it's national infertility awareness week.

It's funny, as a woman with children 18 months apart most of the world assumes I know nothing about about struggling to conceive. 

The other day I met someone with sons 2.5 years apart, and I told her mine were 1.5 years apart. She told me that's what she and her husband were going for but that it doesn't always happen the way you plan. I wanted to say, "It doesn't happen the way you plan is the theme of how both of my children came to be!" I smiled and nodded, and she probably assumed like the rest of the world that I had no clue. 

I don't mind this. 

In a lot of ways I consider myself "fixed" though I will openly admit that I don't plan on testing out that theory any time remotely soon!

But the reason I hardly ever identify myself as a woman who struggled with infertility is because there is a doubly happy ending to my story. Yes, I went through hell and back and did things most people never have to do in their lifetime but it gave me healthy children, and they are my rewards. 

A few weeks ago Brian and I paid rent on our embryos. I cried a lot for a couple days following. Many days I think I'm done having children but my attachment to my embryos, while impossible to explain, is extremely real. Right before getting their "rent" bill I debated giving them up for adoption. But I'm not ready. Neither is Brian. I sometimes think about the day when I'll give my babies away, and I just cry. I hope when that day comes that I feel ready and am able to focus on the positive that will come from helping a couple in need. 

I digress.

I'm getting very far off what I actually wanted to do with this blog entry but I guess I've had a few things on my mind that I needed to get out. 

In honor of national infertility awareness week, I'm sharing the story of Hartley's transfer day. I actually wrote this in a voice to Hartley the other day. Here it goes:

Hartley, 

I want to start your story the day I met you. You came into our lives in a very special way - via in vitro fertilization (IVF). "In vitro" means "in glass" because your earliest days of life were spent growing in a glass dish in a laboratory. Once you grew to a 5 day old embryo you were transferred back inside of me to continue growing. 

I'll never forget that day. Your dad and I nervously made our way back to a special room at the doctor's office. It was literally right next to the lab in which you were grown and residing. I will spare you the graphic details but I will always remember funny, small things from that day. I remember your dad fumbling trying to get his sterile surgical booties over his giant tennis shoes before we entered the room. I remember vividly the mixture of nerves and excitement we both had. I remember the embryologist shaking my hand and telling me they picked out a beautiful, healthy embryo. I remember gazing up at this poster of a Parisian street they had taped to the ceiling. It seemed so funny and awkward just taped up there to try to take your mind off things. 

I remember how everything was done so, so fast. They literally ran from the lab into the room and transferred you within seconds. They showed me on a screen, and I couldn't believe my eyes. In hindsight, that is the most miraculous thing I have ever gotten to watch. 

Most of all I will always remember they handed me a black and white picture of you as this perfect collection of cells. In that moment, my heart was all in. 

The doctor said, "hopefully that's the very first picture of your baby". 

The entire time I was in that room I prayed like I've never prayed before. 

A group of doctors and nurses wished us luck as we walked out.

The entire car ride home from Arlington to Reston I stared at your picture. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl, and as the question entered my mind I told God I didn't care. I asked him just to let you grow and be mine. I remember silently pleading to God: "please, please, please let this be my baby. I promise if you do I will be the best mother". 

This was the Friday going into Memorial Day 2013. I had plans to go to a cookout but we opted to lay low. My intuition was to lay around and relax so I followed it. 

I kept your picture in my nightstand and easily looked at it over a hundred times. I hope, prayed and cried when I thought of you growing.

It may be cliche to say but it is so true - I loved you so much before you were even born. There is nothing in this world that I have ever wanted more. And someone heard every single wish and prayer because I would find out on June 1, 2013 that I was pregnant! 

What I wrote is definitely a teeny sliver of the IVF process, and quite frankly, the easiest part. Women who battle infertility are warriors! 9 months of pregnancy and childbirth are hard enough as is, and these women are doing so much before that part even begins. From investing every piece of your heart and soul to injecting yourself multiple times a day for weeks and undergoing surgery - it is a battle like no other. 

But for those of us lucky enough to have a happy ending, I will say it over and over again - my children were and are incredibly worth it.

(**Patrick, while conceived "the old fashioned way", I consider a happy surprise byproduct of my treatment & pregnancy with Hartley. This is why I say "children") 

These Are The Days

The other day I was on the phone with my mom when she spoke the words, "these are the days". 

This particular phrase has been floating through my mind almost like an airplane banner daily. I've been yearning for a pause button, and it was reaffirmed when my very wise mom, who has three children herself, said it.

We had been talking about how Hartley now uses our names, and we can't get enough of it. When I get her from nap I hear a cheery, "hi, mommy". At night, I hear a sweet, "goodnight, mommy". Sometimes if I'm really lucky I get a, "hug, mommy?" when she asks for a hug. She does it with Brian and my parents, too. Brian will come home from work and she'll scream, "hi, daddy!" and run into his arms. Today when my dad left she said so casually, "bye, Pops!" 

When babies are young, you relish in those early smiles and laughs and take them as the reassurance you need to power through that giant adjustment of becoming a parent. Then you hear your child say "mama" for the first time, and you think it could not possibly get any better. Then they communicate with you so purposefully and address you letting you know what an important role you play. It's ridiculously simple to some but for me it's been amazing and so fulfilling. 

Every day around here is pretty great, and I know I'm living in the golden years. 

Watching Hartley begin to really interact with Patrick has completely melted my heart. It never gets old taking her upstairs with me each morning to "help me" get him from nap. At the top of the stairs I ask her, "Hartley, where's Patrick?" And she knocks on his door, as if Patrick was magically going to turn the knob to let us in ;)

I turn the knob and open the door. Hartley waltzes in, Winnie always trailing her, "Hi, Patrick!" "Patrick!" "He's SO cute!" 

Patrick lights up, happy to see all his favorite girls have come to get him to play. 

Sometimes Hartley sticks her head in between the bars of his crib to peer in, and he laughs hysterically.

It's little sweet things like that scattered throughout my day that remind me how lucky I am - and how much I wish we could stay here. Everyone is happy. Everyone is healthy. And everyone is beyond loved.

Every day we make memories. Simple memories. Finger painting in the bathtub. Finding out what play dough tastes like. Snuggling the dog. Snuggling each other. Learning how to sing songs. Learning to chasse and do somersaults. Tossing toys down the slide. Picking flowers and digging in the dirt. Holding worms. Drawing works of art. Licking frosting off cupcakes. Putting stickers everywhere and discovering the inner workings of a ball point pen. Taking bubble baths in the big girl tub. Hunting for Easter eggs. Chasing every animal. Sliding. Swinging. Running. Jumping. Cheering for nothing at all. 

The sun stays out later so so do we. 

And outside, everything is so wonderful. Everything must be explored. We talk about all the colors of the flowers and are working on our dandelion blowing skills. And when I tell Hartley to make a wish on that dandelion, it occurs to me I have nothing else to wish for. 

This is not to say I'm never tired. I am exhausted every single day of my life. My body physically aches from all the infant and toddler lifting and chasing I do. But is it weird to say it's an ache I almost like? It lets me know my body is working and doing so much each day. With that said I still wouldn't mind if my massive infant could slow his roll with that growing ;)

When Hartley was a young baby I sometimes found being a stay at home mom to be monotonous. Let's face it, infants are cute but they don't do that much. I remember texting Brian during the day on those bored days saying, "that yellow school bus won't get here fast enough!" But now the thought of Hartley someday leaving me for school is actually scary. I'll obviously have Patrick for a bit longer but I'm no where close to wanting these days to end. I love having them home with me and having this time.

Sometimes I will pick out a sappy book during story time, something about mamas and their babies, and I literally start to cry at the thought of these golden years not lasting forever. 

I love when moms say it just keeps getting better. But for now I'm going to soak in the mispronounced words and the arms of my babies wrapped around my neck like a scarf. I'll continue to sniff Patrick's hair when he falls asleep on me. I'll just keep listening to my baby girl sing songs over the baby monitor. I'll smooch Patrick's ridiculously chubby cheeks. I'll soak in when Hartley leads me around by grabbing my hand with her sweet little girl fingers. I'll take way too many pictures. 

And on that rare rough day where I'm begging God to make those school bus days get here faster, I'll reread this and remember that these really are the days, even the messy ones.