The last bit of us time

It's funny. I don't like to think too much about it being my last bit of time that's just Brian and I. It makes me cry and makes me realize that our relationship will be changing. 

By no means have we been robbed of "just the two of us time". We met in November 2006, so it's been over 7 years of childless time, which not everyone gets. But it seems so final. Which is silly because we have the worlds best baby sitters available - my parents. And when she's a little older, I'm happy to fund the neighborhood girls' mall trips by hiring them to baby sit miss h. 

I thought this last bit I'd want to squeeze in all these activities. But the truth is I'm pretty tired, and I really just want to curl up on the couch with him.

Last night he sat on the toilet seat talking to me while I took a bubble bath. That's not remotely special, not like some fancy dinner or exotic vacation, but that's what I'll miss. Our ordinary "just being together".

I'm scared to become "just a mom" or him "just a dad". So I need to cherish this last bit but make an effort to remember our wife/husband roles should not be lost. 

39 weeks.

How far along: 39 weeks. Fun fact, this is when a woman is considered 9 months pregnant, since 40 weeks is a bit longer than 9 months. 

Total weight gain: 15 pounds

Maternity clothes: yes

Stretch marks: they are out of control, thank goodness I don't have much more growing to do

Best moment of this week: receiving our first freezer meals from friends. You know it can't be long if you're already getting that freezer stocked.

Miss anything: sleeping, bending over, lunch meat (like a really good Italian sub), and alcohol

Movement: good movement, she's strong now

Food cravings? You name it, I want it, and I wanted it 5 minutes ago! Brian is now used to grocery runs for cherry Garcia, heart shaped sugar cookies and Reese's eggs. But I love a good dinner - that someone else cooks!

Anything making you sick or queasy? Overeating

Have you started to show? Um, strangers do the "you're about to pop" and "it's gotta be a big baby" thing so yeah, I'm showing.

Gender? Girl.

Belly button in or out? In. Success! Please stay this way.

Wedding rings on or off? Off

Happy or moody? 90% of the time I am very moody and irritable, and I can't even lie about it. My ability to put up with crap is usually very high but lately the slightest bit of nastiness sets me off. Beware.

Looking forward to: meeting Hartley. I've dreamt of this for a long time and it is so surreal that its about to happen.

I can't believe it's 39 weeks. Feels like yesterday was the day of my dad's retirement party, and I was sneakily taking a pregnancy test while Brian was at the gym. I don't know what people are talking about about pregnancy going slow, it flew. I won't miss it but it did go fast. 

I am nervous and excited. I have days where I cry - worried I won't be good at taking care of a newborn or scared that I won't know what to do. I worry if she'll like me and if we'll form that instant bond that we're supposed to. All I want is to be the best mom off the bat, and that's a lot of pressure! But I have days where I just wish I could have her safe in my arms already, and I get my "Christmas morning" moment with her. 

Today I need to finish my hospital bag, though it sounds like she's waiting until her scheduled induction. And this weekend Brian and I will do a bit of walking so she gets the memo to drop a little!

So how's this for wild:

6 days until Winnie gets dropped off at my parents' house

7 days (just a week!) until we check in to the hospital 

8 days (knock on wood) until we meet our daughter 

about this blog

So I am struggling with the idea of making this blog private. Amazingly, it managed to gain a little following, and my friends and family use it to keep up with things. And I really like that they do.

I started this blog 100% for myself. I was going through some uncharted territory in my life and had no mentor who had been through it to help me. This became an outlet for me to sort out what I was feeling, even when I didn't even fully understand it myself.

I continued during pregnancy when a couple friends urged me to. Pregnancy is a road far more traveled than infertility but since it is still uncharted territory for me, I've found blogging continues to be  therapeutic.

In a matter of weeks I will transition to another personally uncharted realm, motherhood. And blogging about that, along with chatting about the life and times of Hartley, sounds like it will be the most fun (and probably therapeutic) of all.

While I do blog mainly for myself, there is a message to my blog entries that I want people to take away from them. I want people to know that I am far from perfect. 

So many women love to keep up a facade of always having all of their shit together all of the time.

 I have actually been at the point in pregnancy where I was puking 4-5 times a day and had a woman say to me, "well, that's strange, all my pregnancies were wonderful." And I remembered thinking, "thank you for kicking me while I'm down. How big of you." 

But that's the world we live in, especially as women. We can log on to Facebook/Instagram/whatever social media I don't even know about yet, and see a hundred pictures of perfection. We see flawless looking culinary victories, amazing vacation spots, massive engagement rings, perfectly staged interior designs, selfies of people on their perfect hair days, and smiling adorable babies. And while it's wonderful to share our triumphs and cheer each other on, sometimes we seem to be living not just to share our happiness but to paint pictures of perfection that could bring out the green eyed monster in the best of people. 

This blog has pictures of me smiling with my giant belly, only in the maternity clothes I deem photo worthy. It has pictures of a nursery I am incredibly proud of. It has entries where I ooze about my love for my husband or talk about the amazing good luck streak that's going on. But I also am very open in sharing things on here that people might not always advertise to others. Yeah, I have budget talks with my husband, and while I think our marriage is the best I've ever seen in real life, we don't always agree. Yeah, I'll tell you about my nervous breakdowns or the horrendous funk I'm in. I will tell you the not so pretty things, like stretch marks, weight gain, leaky boobs and uncontrollable tears. I openly advertised every single set back or failure during fertility treatment. I let you know about vomiting bile for a few weeks there.

I don't put the bad stuff on here so that people feel sorry for me or to embarrass myself or others. I put it on here because, if people do read this, I want them to know that this is REAL life. These are REAL feelings. If you can relate, I'm sending a virtual high five your way. 

I will never be the woman who makes another person feel like a freak. I will never be the one to kick you while you're down. I will always be a genuine person because I personally believe that trait to be one of the most valuable that a person can possess. 

I am human - with a big personality and a foul mouth. And I have feelings. Hell, I have a whole lot of feelings these days. But when I share them, I'm hoping people can take it for what it is. A person being honest and real. I truly feel if we had more honest people in this world, it would be a much better place. We could all feel a little less inadequate and a little more "normal". Whatever the hell "normal" is.

The empty hospital bag.

So at 37 weeks, 1 day, my hospital bag has nothing in it. Most first time moms generally pack early to have all their bases covered. Second time moms usually say they like to be packed around the time they are full term. And I'm the weirdo who can't pack her bag.

I am a planner. Hartley's nursery was painted and her furniture purchased before we even knew her gender. And a few weeks ago I deemed the nursery ready for its occupant and have hardly had to touched it since. In fact, I put her linens on so early I'm wondering if they'll accumulate dust before she arrives. 

And for the most part, I've hated pregnancy so much that I wanted it to end as soon as it was safe enough for it to end.

But now I feel like it just went so fast. I'm in denial that she is going to enter this world without having me as a constant shell of protection. And I don't know how ready I am, though there's nothing I could possibly do to prepare myself more. It's like a test you've studied for non stop, you know as much as your brain can hold, but you can't shake those butterflies (and you might even pray for a snow day).

I know I'm holding myself to incredibly high standards but after so much build up over the years, I just want to be perfect for her. I will make mistakes but I don't want to. 

And the second I load things in that bag I'm going to realize that we can't stay like this forever. I can't just hold her in and not take the next big leap. 

At the same time, I am excited to welcome her in to the world. And I need to realize that even when she's here I can still be her bubble of comfort and safety - just not the literal version that I currently am. I can't even fathom what it will be like on her birth day or what it will feel like to hold her in my arms. But I need to focus on that and use that image to spur the packing process. 

Keep your fingers crossed that I at least start packing today. It's time to realize motherhood isn't just some dream that will never come to fruition. In a few weeks, it will very much be my reality. 

The differences between men and women. And money matters.

The past few weeks I have noticed how different Brian and I are handling the end of pregnancy. I am not bashing on my husband but I'm going to address this as its something no one ever shared with me.

My husband and I are the same in a lot of ways. We have similar values. We are low key, generally easy going people. Neither of us are extravagant; we're quite simple with our needs. 

My husband is frugal, with a capital F, folks. And I'm the woman who rarely buys new clothes and almost never spends more than 50 bucks on a dress. Hell, my wedding dress was $400 - and that seemed like the world's biggest splurge ever. I wear $2.50 old navy flip flops in the summer and every nice pair of shoes I own are from DSW or a gift. My tennis shoes last 4-5 years easily. And my husband has more shoes and higher end clothing than I own myself. Yes, he has way more shoes than I do. And the price tag of a pair of his shoes equals like 4 pairs of mine. Not kidding.

Yesterday night, we're sitting on the couch. He was eating a homemade dinner (not expensive take out!), and he says we need to talk about our budget. Sometimes he might not say this in an accusatory way but seeing as how I'm not bringing in an income, I sometimes take it that way. And this is when I lost it. I did ask where all our money was going before I lost it. There was a small part of me wondering if Brian was blowing money on something I don't know about because let me tell you, I'm not blowing our money. Apparently we just had a big grocery run for freezer meals, and we spent a lot at Target buying baby essentials (no, not clothes). We also just paid our yearly tax bill, 6 month car insurance bill, and are basically forking over tons of money for my (our?) ultrasounds. And I know my vitamins are 60 bucks a month at Target. We still haven't even gotten my hospital bill yet. Ugh.

Now we're supposed to talk about a budget. Here's the thing, we aren't losing money, we just aren't saving it. And I'm okay with that for this second in time. We put money away for this baby for this reason. And yeah, she's coming right after Christmas and during the year of weddings (I'm sure bridal showers and baby showers will be popping up like crazy as per usual at this age). 

I told Brian if he gives me specific changes, I'll make them. I say this knowing he can't tell me to change my ways. I was sitting there in a pair of maternity pants on lone to me, a top my mom bought me and a pair of fuzzy Target socks that Santa brought me. Yeah, bubble burst - I don't lounge in designer clothes from Nordstrom.

But to get to the hormonal outburst of tears, it's amazing how men and women are so different.

My husband counts down to Hartley in days, checks marked off on a list, and the dollars and cents of it all. He'll whine about how he might pass out during delivery, jokingly tease me about my body never being the same, and view his paternity leave as 2 weeks of vacation to hang out with his kid before his life jumps back to normal. He will be a great dad, but his responsibilities lie more in the financial and weekend departments. 

In the past couple weeks, I struggle with every emotion in the book. Will I like being a mom? Will I be good at it? Was leaving work and undertaking a 24/7 commitment to a human life a good decision? Because it sounds really scary. Can she stay in longer so I'm more ready? Can you take her out now so I can stop toting around a small person inside of me? Will I ever have the body I had on my wedding day - I mean, do stretch marks and loose skin ever go away? Will I someday get back to building my career and still be a stellar mom? And when will that happen so I can know. And for the love of God, please let her be healthy when she gets here! I mean, pneumonia right at the fucking end? Seriously? 

So when Brian wanted to sit down and talk about money, I really wanted to say, " hey buddy, that's your job. Work out a REASONABLE budget, give me guidelines, and I'll fucking stick to them. But for the next couple months, let me finish growing our kid, shove her out the birth canal, learn how to use my boobs as feeding tools, and live on 3 hours of sleep a night, mkay?" Newsflash, I've never done this before, and yeah, it's priority one in my book. 

No one wins in these situations. I know Brian needs to talk to me when he's stressed. But I had to admit to him yesterday that I couldn't carry an extra worry right now. I can continue to be mindful of how I spend money but we saved up money for a reason and adding to savings just isn't on the front burner for me right now. As much as I love to be there for my husband, I asked that maybe for now he can just be there for me. He said he could. He said its hard because I'm usually the strong one who remains calm and carries us. And while there's definite truth to that, right now I need his love and support so I can make the biggest adjustment of my entire life. Then we can sit down and talk dollars and cents.

We will work out a budget after Hartley arrives. Brian thinks it'll be a week after she's born but I have a feeling he might be in for a rude awakening of what he's thinking about a week in to her life. We've made some awesome financial decisions during our marriage, and even if we're not stockpiling cash right now, I know we'll be back there again someday. 

This is marriage. We've been together for a long time. We've been through a lot. But we are always working on this thing. Men and women are not the same. My husband wants a big bank account. I want our daughter to get here safely and to be good at this mom thing. That's wonderful and awful at the same time. And I want Hartley to see this. Not to burst hopes of a fairy tale (Brian can be a Prince Charming) but communication and compromise are life. 

At this point, Brian can analyze the bank account. I'm going to hunker down and pray for daylight :)

37 week appointment and a mama who needs her mama.

Well there she is - Hartley Glenn in 3D!

We had an interesting appointment this morning. It was 2 hours! Which Brian wasn't thrilled about. Here we are in the waiting room: him grumpy, me crying. But I'll get to that.

At first glance, Hartley was looking perfect. Beautiful. Even has hair. She is estimated to weigh 6 pounds, 12 ounces.

Then we spent 30 minutes in the sonogram room. We were just waiting for Hartley to "practice breathing". This is her first appointment where she didn't :(

Frustrating because I was already concerned with the pneumonia affecting her. So far on all her biophysical exams, she has always scored a perfect 8 out of 8. Today she scored a 6 out of 8. She wouldn't practice breathing and her movement was low. 

I was weighed. I'm up 13 pounds. They did a cervical check - long and closed so she's not trying to get here. We talked about my pneumonia. Then I asked if we could go and the doctor told me she was debating having us do an Non Stress Test to make sure Hartley wasn't in fetal distress. 

I know she decided yes because I was stressed out. If Hartley didn't absolutely need that test, I needed it. 

They sent us back to the waiting room to wait for the NST. Hence the Brian being grumpy and me crying. I was crying in part because I was worried and in part because Brian seemed so preoccupied with how the length of the appointment was affecting him. I swear, sometimes I don't understand men... at all. 

Well, we got called back, and they hooked me up to monitors. They gave me a lollipop and ice cold water to drink to get her moving. I pushed a button every time she kicked. The point being her heart rate should always be up, especially during movement. So I laid there for a while, and when the doctor eventually came back in she said the baby did fine. Brian asked how they gauged it, and she showed us the graph the machine printed and explained it to us. 

In the car, I told Brian I was sorry it took longer but that he needed to understand how important them monitoring the baby is. I worry about Hartley so much already, and it sometimes disturbs me that Brian doesn't have the same sort of reaction. He told me that when he's stressed he gets grumpy. I get it but I can't lie, it doesn't help me. I hope he can keep his cool during delivery because to be blunt, it's far scarier for me than it is for him. 

The past few days haven't been a ball. Though today I do feel like I'm actually on the mend. There has been other stuff going on the past couple days that will not be featured on the blog. 

Though on a very positive note, my mom and I have been connecting very well. She's called every day since Friday to check in on me and has offered several times to help me however she can. That's saying a lot as she has a lot going on in her own life. And it's funny how even when you're 28, your mom worries about you, and it's comforting that she still wants to take care of you. We also had a major breakthrough. My aunt told my mom that because my pregnancy has been difficult that she shouldn't pressure me to have more kids. And my mom said she was sorry that this pregnancy thing hasn't been fair, and she would completely understand if I choose never to do it again. I know that is my decision to make but it was a relief hearing that I wouldn't be getting grief about it from someone who's opinion matters to me. 

She taught me to play the Pollyanna game - to find the positive wherever it is. So when she said she can't believe all the shit that has come my way, I responded with, "but I'm lucky to be pregnant." And she gave me permission to whine and admit that it just hasn't been fair. And I think it was the first time I said out loud, "this isn't fair."

She has also talked about taking off work the day of the induction. My brother is talking about how he's going to be on his "A game" the first time he holds Hartley. I get lots of sweet excited/countdown texts from friends. I love the enthusiasm. It's helping me to shake a little bit of my nervousness. 

We have 3 weeks, 3 days until she will definitely be here. I haven't packed my hospital bag. I'm a nervous wreck over her. And I flip flop between wanting time to slow down and wanting my sweet angel in my arms. Let the roller coaster ride continue...

Finished nursery & some goodies (pictures finally!)

Since I'm not feeling awesome I decided to write a fun blog entry to get me all hyped for the 24 days left before Hartley's due date! 

I'm doing this just like how I did the last nursery entry with numbered photos so you can choose to read captions or just look at pictures.

And this is the "bright version" of her nursery. Her other linens are more muted in color so they give the room a softer vibe. But I think this is a really fun version to share. And excuse the fact that I don't own some swanky camera, these are all from my iPhone 4S. So I like to think this looks better in person...

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12. 

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

1. Brian put together the video monitor! Success! Works perfectly. And I bought the adorable little heart bowl at Target ($1.79!) to put odds and ends in, ie pacis, hair bows, whatever.

2. The changing station is complete with a changing pad and a bin for diapers, wipes, etc. We also hung our wet bag to the left for dirty diapers. 

3. The glider/reading corner. I got the adorable wall hanging as a shower gift. The artist who makes them does the most amazing work, and this randomly just worked really well in Hartley's nursery. I usually avoid buying people wall art because its such a matter of personal taste but this worked great! It did mean I had to shuffle around other pieces but everything still fits in the room.

4. The wall with her crib and hamper.

5. Love this. My brother's girlfriend bought me this piece of art from etsy. It is far more gorgeous in person even. I am just so in love with it. I found the frame for 8 bucks at home goods. It was a bit small for such a big wall so I crafted the "sweet Hartley" garland myself to hang over it to give a little extra oomph.

6. The deer hamper. I registered for this with every intention of keeping it in the closet so the room wouldn't be cluttered. Well, it was far too cute to be shoved in a closet. It was one of the few duplicate shower gifts. But I love it so much I kept both. I think one will eventually be used as a toy bin or some other storage.

7. Her closet. Not completely sorted yet but getting there. And no, that's not even her whole closet - it's 2/3 of it. 

8. Toy bin. This has to be kept in her closet so big sister Winnie doesn't tear everything to shreds. And she would. In less than an hour... Easily.

9. Totally a gift my mom would get me - and I love them. One is Hartley's baby book, though age 5! The other is an amazing idea - a calendar to mark her firsts complete with milestone stickers. 

10. ... And I'm my mother's daughter because I had already started her memory box. Stuffed with cards, ultrasound photos, and my "girl" fortune from my fortune cookie. The other box is full of pacifiers. Brian and I are determined to contain baby clutter as much as humanly possible.

11. So this was a very generous Christmas gift from my sister in law and her fiancé. My Kate Spade diaper bag. I love it for many reasons but here are my top two. 1. You can easily use this after the diaper years. It would make a great overnight bag or a great bag for a day out when you've got lots to tote around. 2. I know more than most women my age what a privilege getting to be a mom is, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to not have to look "mommy-like" all the time. Like I've said, some women own the mom hair cut or the use of the word "stinkin" - I am not one of them. I prefer to be me, with an adorable baby to boot. So I love that this bag doesn't scream "I'm a mom".

12. Oh melt my heart I love this. This was a shower gift from my cousin. The sleep sheep. Plays the sweetest sounds to lull baby to relax and sleep. Not to mention, it's adorable. I need one for my room.

13 -15. Outfits! I wish I could post pictures of all of them but these are some favorites. And I'm seriously thinking the one with the bunny ears for her Easter outfit this year. Too cute.

16 & 17. So my friend buys these for her kids, and I think they are so cute. Baby legs - baby leg warmers! They get tons of awesome reviews and are supposed to make diaper changes a breeze. My friend gifted me the heart ones. Perfect for Hartley's first spring. And I had actually bought her Christmas ones... A couple days after learning she was a girl :)