Well Visit

Baby bump at 17 weeks, 2 days

And there it is! Baby crane making it's presence known.

I had my well visit today. And everything looks great. Baby was moving and grooving, with a perfect heartbeat. I'm up 2 pounds, and the doctor said that's fine. She said it's probably just delayed due to the severe morning sickness I had. She said my minimum weight gain during pregnancy should be 15 pounds, as long as it doesn't affect the baby's size. 20 would be best. A little over 20 would be fine, too.

We talked about something I knew about but hadn't thought about in a while: how IVF is going to play a role from here on out. To be honest, I kind of felt like things would likely be the same as a normal pregnancy but  I know that IVF makes a woman more prone to deliver early and have a baby with a lower birth weight. We learned about this in our initial IVF paperwork. Disclaimer: this is not to say all women who undergo IVF will have a baby earlier or with a lower birth weight. I'm rooting for it not to happen to us; it's just statistics. 

The doctor told me that because I did IVF to get pregnant, the baby's weight is more of a concern. This is a general rule; it's nothing that's wrong with me or baby crane. Because of this they'll need to begin monitoring baby more closely now that baby crane is going to start packing on it's pounds.

I'm still thinking I might have misunderstood - maybe not all of these appointments will require a sonogram. But from the sounds of it, I'll be going in a lot and seeing a lot of the little one.

Baby Crane and I will have appointments at 20, 24, 28, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39 and 40 weeks. I don't mind it. I'm used to that type of thing. It's surprising because we've already had more sonograms during my pregnancy than the average pregnancy total.

My mother in law guessed the more frequent schedule was because the doctors think I'm anxious. Oh regular women. How nice it must be to think doctors want to see you to ease your fears as opposed to monitor the safety of a non-traditional baby. Brian thought that theory was funny. He thinks it'd be awesome if I could fake anxiety to see the baby. Though he had a good point that every first time mom would be faking anxiety, and they'd need to be open 24 hours a day to accommodate all of us.

I might try to act anxious next time I go in to see if her idea works though...

I am very eager to see the baby in 2 weeks. The past couple ultrasounds it measured a little behind but I'm routing for it to be measuring ahead so I don't have to think about the possibility that the doctor could be on to something. I'm also excited Brian will get to see it looking like a baby an opposed to a gummi bear.

And it's crazy to think that this time next year, baby will be about 7 months old!

Keeping baking, baby crane! At least until February! But your dad and I are super excited to meet you.

Stay At Home Mom?

I always voice in my blogs that people should respect each other's differences. No two people nor their situations are exactly the same. The blog I'm about to write refers to my family: my husband, my future baby, my pup, and I. This is absolutely an individual situation, and I'm in no way saying what everyone should do. There, I wrote my disclaimer, so read with an open mind.

When Brian and I got married, we discussed a lot of how we saw our lives going. People might think that's weird. But I tell you the most underrated component to a relationship is communication. There are things you should talk about before just running in to something completely unaware of how your partner feels.

As I've said before we talked about the age/financial point where we wanted to start having kids. Yes, I said financial. The obvious reasons for that are the cost of a family home and providing for a child. The funny thing about our trying to conceive journey is we accidentally hit the nail on the head. This is the age we originally planned to start our family. And this is the financial place we wanted to be in as well. 

Another reason we had a financial goal to start a family was because we both felt extremely strongly about me being a stay at home mom. Yes, of all the men I know my husband is one of the few who wants his wife to be a stay at home mom. We both are believers of the big benefits that come from a mom taking her kids to play groups and on field trips. A mom who has time to cook, clean, volunteer in the classroom, facilitate social activities and help with homework. A mom who is always there to read to her kid, talk to them about things and tuck them in at night. 

That is absolutely not to stay that a woman can't do those things while working. But let's get real, it's more challenging to be able to juggle a full time job and all the responsibilities that come with caring for and raising human beings. 

Yesterday, I caught myself doing two things: talking to my next door neighbor about how to join the Reston Moms Club (mainly for stay at home moms) and then registering for a laser seminar in a couple weeks. That's right. As with everything else that's changed about me, my viewpoint towards working after kids has too. I would like just the slightest bit of part time work to allow me to have my own identity outside of motherhood. 

Now, if I had my life perfectly, and I could just pick my situation post baby it would be one of two things:

1. Working 1-2 days a week, preferably at the last medispa I worked at, while a family member came over to baby sit. My dad is retired and at one point offered to help in that kind of way but it's obviously something you can't ask of someone unless they offer.

2. Starting my own business and working a few hours a couple weekends a month while Brian got to have dad time with the kiddo.

See, both scenarios revolve around my mainly staying home but giving me an opportunity to do a little work doing something I enjoy.

At no point in time have I considered being a full time working mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being one. My field is one where you obviously can't work from home. My husband has a relatively demanding job so I feel it wouldn't be fair to our child to have two parents who weren't around much. In my eyes, it really defeats the purpose of us having a kid in the first place.

I'm not stressed about this decision. I'm lucky to have a husband who has a great job and who is very smart with money. And it's currently not essential that I bring in income. 

But I will say I sometimes wish I had a crystal ball to see what happens! 

But like most things in life I won't know until we get there. I just wanted to write this blog because it's something I think about. And it's something that's tough to discuss with others because we all have our opinions about what is best. The beautiful thing about life is that it all magically works out the way it's supposed to for all of us.

What Makes Up 2 Years and 7 Months of Trying to Conceive

I'll start the story about 3 years ago. It was Labor Day weekend, and Brian and I were headed to St.Michael's to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. On the car ride there I told Brian I was really uncomfortable, and there was something wrong in my lower abdomen. It was pain and there was pressure, and it felt not right at all. I was maybe a few weeks late. Even though we used contraception, I took a pregnancy test before the trip. It was negative. Whew. We weren't ready yet.

He said if I was concerned maybe I should just go to the doctor when we got back. So I did. And little did I know that trip to St.Michael's would be the last time in a long time where I felt carefree about my life.

The doctor said everything was probably fine but he'd run a panel of blood work. Well, time crept on after that, and they never called with the results. So I decided to call them, and when I did NO ONE would give me my results. They said only the doctor could tell me. So I set a phone appointment for Friday afternoon, right before I was to go out to dinner with my newly pregnant friend.

I texted my friend I'd be a little late because he hadn't called yet. He called me at 6 o'clock to deliver the news. He told me I had some hormonal imbalances. It would affect my fertility. He rambled off numbers I wrote on a post it. Brian watched as tears streamed down my face. I wiped them away because I had to leave to go to dinner. But I called my mom to tell her during my drive to the restaurant and the tears flooded back.

I cried for days.

And even though we knew out best chance at having a baby was to start trying right away, it was too scary. Mainly financially. We lived in a one bedroom condo. We couldn't afford a baby. There was no space for a crib.

Then in November after many long talks and bouts of inconsolable crying, we began trying to conceive. We weren't going to lose our minds over it, just the old fashion boy and girl make baby stuff.

Well, in March, things changed drastically. I went in for a pap smear and was called very soon after to come in for an ultrasound. I made Brian come with me because I was so confused. The afternoon after the ultrasound (yes, the exact same day), they asked me to come in the next day for an endometrial biopsy. Side note: Something I've now learned is when something is really wrong, doctors never delay tests/procedures.

When we went in for the procedure I asked why they were doing it. The nurse said it as casually as a waitress reading off the daily specials, "we're checking you for cancer." The doctor explained to me that my lining was very thick, and that's basically how endometrial cancer starts. Of course, if it's a late stage cancer it's treated much like other cancers but it's an extremely dangerous form of cancer as it can spread to surrounding internal organs easily. But in it's early stages, it meant a hysterectomy.

Holy shit, I'm 25 years old, and we're talking about an invasive form of cancer and a hysterectomy. I didn't know how to tell my mom. I didn't want to scare anyone, even though I was scared out of my mind. I remembered thinking it was too early to leave Brian, we were practically newlyweds, and I prayed so hard for everything to be okay. I told God if he saved me I'd never ask him for kids again. Words that still chill me when I think of them.

I was going to be home alone when they called with the results. My mom refused to let that happen and rushed out of work to sit with me. We watched Oprah while we waited for the call. And they called and told me the biopsy came back negative; I didn't have cancer. I had endometrial hyperplasia and polyps but no cancer. Thank God.

However, this was the turning point. We became more scientific with our trying to conceive. We knew that I could lose my lady parts, and we didn't have all the time in the world like every other couple. And fuck it if we had to live in a teeny leaky condo with our baby. It didn't matter. It wasn't our dream or our plan but it didn't matter one bit.

I would go long stretches without my period. We visited an endocrinologist. She prescribed metformin. It made me sick but it also did not work at all. They upped the dosage and gave me extended release tablets. Still, nothing. I charted. No ovulation. We went to Boston, I was a month late, and I took a pregnancy test at Wellsley Country Club. Classy. Nothing. 3 months without a period, I got provera to induce a bleed. It regulated me for two cycles. The first we did everything right, no pregnancy. The second, the faintest line you've ever seen! Yay! Period a couple days later. Then back to no ovulating and no periods. Unsure if I wanted to start Clomid due to my latest doctor appointment saying my cholesterol was dangerous. Decided screw it, threw caution to the wind and asked for Clomid. Did diagnostic tests before starting. Started Clomid and progesterone. 1,2,3... fail, fail, fail.

For those who wonder where I calculate literally years of trying to conceive. This covers the two years before I saw a fertility specialist for 7 months before getting pregnant. People may not count this because there aren't fancy acronyms like IUI or IVF. But trust me when I tell you, there were plenty of tears and more than enough heartache. There were doctor's visits, blood draws, testing, charting, medicines, and more negative pregnancy tests than I care to admit. The stress was unbearable. My hair fell out, and my eyelids would scale after months of no period. I didn't know how to explain my physical appearance to people so I called it "hormone therapy".

Everyone is different but we did not choose a fertility clinic right away. We choose to think we could do it on our own. We see people hop to the clinic as their first step and wonder if they needed that help as badly as we did. We truly learned we had no chance on our own and are so thankful for amazing doctors and assistive reproductive technology.

And people would say to me that I was young and I had time. But I could vividly remember a few weeks when I was 25 when I realized you can be young and out of time. The thing is, I'm rare. Someone at 27 requiring IVF to get pregnant is highly unlikely; something much less than 1%. Someone who's had 3 internal biopsies to check for female reproductive cancer before the age of 28 is also rare.

I get frustrated when women act like fertility treatment is commonplace. One - it's not. Second - the abuse of this technology is disgusting, and I say that as someone who truly needed it. I hear of women using ART for minor problems that can be corrected with medicine alone, and I cringe.

This is 2 years and 7 months that changed me as a person. I wear those 31 months like the badge of honor they are. They made me strong as hell.

And people can say 3 IUI's and a round of IVF. But Brian always says to me, if only people really knew.

17 weeks!

How far along? 17 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0 pounds... holding strong at my pre pregnancy weight

Maternity clothes? I'm doing a combination. It's cute to see my normal maxi dresses get all tight around the tummy though when I wear them. I've worn my maternity jeans and there's a minor slippage issue but after a run through the wash and a little more tummy I'm sure it won't be an issue.

Stretch marks? Yep, but only a few faint ones that don't appear to be growing.

Sleep: I'm back to sleeping and probably sleep 8 hours a night. I do wake up with creepy nightmares pretty often but way better than my bouts of insomnia.

Best moment this week: Painting the nursery.

Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach. 

Movement: No. Stupid anterior placenta. But I've read some women say later movement is a blessing because it makes the mama more comfy so I'll think about it that way :)

Food cravings: absolutely none - I now think pregnant women lie when they talk about their cravings. I call bullshit; they just want an excuse to eat crap.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Mainly smells. Everything I eat gives me the most horrible sour fruity after taste. While I'm not sick like I was before, I definitely have my moments of not feeling great.

Have you started to show yet: I think so. My body is changing from head to toe I think.

Gender: Lately I think girl (because 90% of people tell me girl) but in conversation I often slip and call the baby Patrick.
Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 

Looking forward to: my next appointment in 5 days.

So my biggest pregnancy news is my trying to gain some weight. I'm pounding Ensures like an old person in a nursing home. Sometimes I drink two a day (that's 500 calories!) hoping to get on the scale and see change but it doesn't budge.

I won't be bummed out if the doctor says this is healthy and fine. If they say, "Page, if you don't gain, you don't gain - no big deal." Then, score! Wayyy less weight for me to lose after baby. Because like a super vain person, I plan on finally losing all extra fat I've been lugging around the past few years.

I just want to make sure I do whatever is best for the baby. If they told me I had to gain 30 pounds for my pregnancy to be healthy, well then I'd just be eating all day long.

My weight the past few years has been a real issue for me. And it's something that has always been very hard for me. I went from being known as "potbelly Page" to a petite blonde that turned heads (that sounds vain but I just told you my horrible nickname). Then a couple years in to dating Brian I started to slowly creep up on the scale. And saw numbers I haven't seen in a long time to numbers I'd never seen before in life.

When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't planning on gorging but I told myself, enjoy these next 9 months of eating because after this, you're changing your life. When I told myself that, I knew the next 9 months were all about me doing exactly what I needed to do for the helpless little thing inside of me that needed my help. And right now, all I want to do is give this little one the best chance at good health.

Lately, I think about 2.5 years and how long that really is. I think about how much my life changed right about 3 years ago. And I think about everything Brian and I went through. I'm going to write a blog entry for the people who don't understand what happened to us prior to fertility drugs and treatment. And how after all that hell, I'm not going to let anything hurt the baby. So whatever the doctor says in 5 days becomes the law around here. And I'll do anything they tell me to.

A Nursery Painting Kind Of Weekend

The nursery is painted! And I love the color. The pictures don't do it much justice. It's a color by Sherwin Williams called Mountain Air. It's a very soft sky blue that almost has a hint of gray so it feels quite neutral. In some pictures it looks white, in others it looks dark, but in person it's just a subtle wash of calming, tranquil blue.

Once we start to put some things in it, I have a feeling the color will show a bit better in pictures, and it will likely make more sense.

Even though to most people blue doesn't scream neutral, I chose it because it's calming and soothing. And if baby happens to be a girl I can toss pink in that nursery without it looking like pepto bismol central.

We had a great weekend and this room was the icing on the cake.

On Friday night we went to my sister in law's for dinner. As much as I roll my eyes when people claim to have "pregnancy brain", I have to assume that's what led me to forget to bring over the dessert I made. But everything she made was delicious; she's quite the cook. To my surprise she had a pasteurized soft cheese as one of the appetizers! Now I will say I've been invited to dinner at a friend's house where they took into consideration the diet of a pregnant women; she had her husband cook my steak a little extra. I thought that was awesome but not surprising as she's done this pregnancy thing twice. I guess since my sister in law has friends who've been pregnant she knows the guidelines. And I was impressed that she let me know about the cheese and didn't say how silly it is that women avoid unpasteurized cheese. Ahhhh, sweet relief - this is how everyone should be!

It's a huge contrast from my family's "joke" about how pregnant women should drink while pregnant. Or my mom doing this weird thing where she refers to my baby as her baby. 

Oh to eat in normal people world where people don't say weird shit.

Saturday was a glorious day, it was gorgeous out. So we actually walked to Home Depot with Winnie in tow. Girlfriend loves nothing more than riding around the store in that orange shopping cart while people fawn over her. We picked up the paint and some supplies. I taped. Then Brian exiled me to the first floor to stay away from the fumes. He was just painting, drinking beers and rocking out. Needless to say, I was pretty jealous.  After the first coat we went out to dinner and ate outside at one of our favorite spots: The American Tap Room. We returned home, he did a quick second coat, and we attempted to sleep downstairs on the sectional. It wasn't happening so we went upstairs and chanced it. But since we had the windows open all day it wasn't smelling of strong paint fumes.

I woke up on Sunday morning like it was Christmas morning and walked into the nursery to take a look. So in love. It dried and somehow looked even prettier than before. I touched up some spots where paint got on the baseboard. The only last little touch up will be getting some paint out of the carpet. I guess that's to be expected when you drink and paint.

But it feels nice to have a lot done... after all I've crept past that 40% done mark... and am getting ever closer to halfway! Yay for a growing baby and nursery progress!

16 weeks!

How far along? 16 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0 pounds... back at my pre pregnancy weight :(

Maternity clothes? Yes! I can still fit into my maxi dresses, yoga pants and t-shirts but maternity stuff is so much more comfortable. The shirts are longer so nothing rides up, and I am so in love with the t-shirts I bought from gap that I should've bought more. They were on sale for $12, and I only bought two... dumb.

Stretch marks? Yep, I tell myself they're not super bad though. The coco butter does seem to be helping, and Brian reassures me they'll fade over time.

Sleep: This is very hit or miss, mainly miss. The pregnancy pillow is so big and awkward so generally I put a regular pillow between my legs, and I'm more comfortable.

Best moment this week: Getting the baby's glider and getting a few other baby gifts from my in-laws.

Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach. 

Movement: I'm going to sound completely nuts but I thought I felt 2 subtle kicks yesterday but they came and went so fast it was hard to tell. I should feel movement any week now.

Food cravings: none really

Anything making you queasy or sick: only smells really. I was in the grocery store yesterday, and I threw up as soon as I got home because the grocery smells were too much.

Have you started to show yet: Yep. Strangers probably wonder if I'm pregnant or just have a big beer gut though. 

Gender: I no longer have any idea. Some days I wake up and think boy and sometimes I think girl.
Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 

Looking forward to: my next appointment on September 3rd. The glider arriving. FINDING OUT THE GENDER!

Hitting 16 weeks feels glorious. I know this is the time a lot of women find out the gender or their baby so it feels brutal that we'll still be waiting another 5.5 weeks. 

I feel pretty wonderful lately. The only real pregnancy tells are a little extra tiredness and a little extra tummy.

The only real worry I have is my not gaining weight. I've decided to put my mind at ease and call my doctor today. I think because I'm overweight to begin with, it's probably okay but I'm unsure because from the books and blogs I've read most women seem to have gained between 5-10 pounds at this point. I have been very surprised at my loss of appetite during pregnancy, and I probably should be eating more than I do. 

My mom told me her doctors accused her of dieting while pregnant because she didn't gain weight early on either. But since I'll be hitting that halfway mark in 4 weeks, I don't know if this is still early on enough not to be gaining anything.

Brian says it looks like my weight has been redistributed; that it looks at though fat from other areas is gone and set up camp around my mid section. I kind of agree. And I think I look like a healthy pregnant woman. 

He's also the biggest encourager when it comes to reminding me to eat because neither of us wants the baby to be too small.

Whenever people say they think I'll have a big baby I get really excited, and I really hope I do. Brian always says he hopes it's a big baby that gets his height and my looks. 

Guess in 24 weeks we'll find out if the big baby bets are true!

Infertility Special & Shopping

The glider. Ours will be a little different but it's this beautiful wingback style.

A gift for baby from Bunty and Dan. I think it's so cute that Bunty is going to be Mimi!

So you're reading this title and wondering how I'm going to relate infertility to shopping for baby goodies. Well, I'm not going to magically relate them but I want to touch on both today.

First, let's start with what happened first for me: the infertility struggle.

I'd never watched Katie Couric's talk show before. She's likable but she's no Ellen or Dr.Phil so I'd skipped giving her show a whirl. But a couple weeks ago she did a special on infertility, and I had to watch. They interviewed "funny man" Tom Arnold about his extremely long struggle with male factor infertility. Needless to say a man who looks so tough and strong, who battles life with humor, was crying on stage. 

They also interviewed a handful of women who have struggled or are struggling with conceiving.

I will fully admit it: I cried so hard watching this special. 

It's the most bizarre feeling in the world to hear strangers talk about something so personal and be able to connect to them as if you'd gone through it together. 

One of the women addressed her biggest fear is that her husband will leave her. When I heard that I cried to the point where my body was shaking. In all my life, I will never ever forget that plaguing thought. As much as my husband loves me and shows it, it was my biggest fear. I will never forget a memory that's etched in my brain of a day we drove home from an unsuccessful monitoring appointment; through my tears I asked Brian if he would be forever disappointed in me if I couldn't give him a child. Even though he said "no" and meant it, I felt like I was letting him down. And how can you love someone more than anything in the world and let them down so badly?

When that particular woman spoke I wanted to jump through the TV screen and hug her the tightest hug she's ever gotten. I wanted to tell her it would be okay, even if I know that there's no guarantee that it will be.

It's bizarre to me that in watching that special I can remember every emotion and thought those people discussed. The people around me in my life can have empathy for those people but I've lived part of what they've lived, and I actually know how they feel.

Not to be completely cheesy, but it has affected my pregnancy in the most truly amazing way.

People have said to me that I need to slow down with my planning and reminded me I have plenty of time. The truth is I can't slow down. I can't stop. I have reached a point in my pregnancy where I feel so comfortable and confident, and I can't stop soaking it in for the life of me.

Last Saturday I saw my grandparents, and when I walked in the door they said, "look at the mom to be!" And I got chills. I am the "mom to be". Not some pregnant women standing next to me. I will never forget that moment because someone actually said I was a mom to be. I'm not the girl who can't make eggs and needs copious amounts of help to make a baby. I'm a mom to be.

The best was today. I went shopping with my mother-in-law to pick out a glider. Here we were in a store, and I am still the mom to be. We're picking out a glider for my baby's nursery. And Bunty is the future grandma. The salesgirl congratulated me and asked me when I was due. You'd think the girl just told me I won the lottery with how that made my heart feel.

Flashback to after my surgery, I was sitting in the bathroom in pain. I had a pottery barn kids catalog in there, and I looked longingly at the gliders. I imagined snuggling my baby on a beautiful chair like that, and even if it was in the middle of the night, it would be perfect. Even though Brian and I weren't planning on buying a glider quite that nice, it kept me going to look at that stupid catalog. 

And today, Bunty bought me the same glider I stared at on so many hopeless days. 

I came home from shopping, and the crumply old catalog was sitting on the baby's dresser with that glider page dog-earred. I just stood there and cried the happiest tears. It's a dream that's coming true, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I got to be the person lucky enough to live it.

I'll never stop feeling bad for all the people go through a tough time on their journey to building their family. I feel like the best thing I can do is to savor these happy times for anyone who never gets to experience them. To most woman out there, buying a glider is just buying a glider. But for me, its looking back at that girl who clung to hope in the form of a catalog and celebrating exactly how far she has come. It feels like a right of passage.

Baby Crane is going to love snuggling and story time in that chair. I'm going to love the memory of buying it and sitting in it just daydreaming of the little one before he or she arrives.

Baby C,

Your dad and I are going to fight over who gets to read you your nightly stories!