Rainy days & Mother's Day

Rain, rain go away. 

The past couple weeks leading up to Mother's Day weekend have been all about the rain. In the beginning I was all about finding the good in it - an excuse to stay in our pajamas and watch some tv. I bought painting supplies for Hartley, and she went nuts for that. She is loving coloring and painting. 

We've been reading a ton. Patrick is army crawling around like nobody's business. Both kids had therapy this past week. We hosted a pizza party play date at the beginning of the week. But at the end of the week I felt like I was coming a little unglued. The rain has gotten to me. I hosted my first MOMS club play date on Friday morning, which went well but after that I was ready to collapse into a heap and just sleep until the sun comes out again! 

Of course that's not an option, and I had ballet with Hartley this morning. Last week I wanted a break and asked Brian to take her. She wouldn't do it without me. Brian said she darted out of the classroom every chance she got, screaming, "Mama! Mama!" So they bailed after ten minutes. Today, however, she did great. All she needs is her mama there and then she can shake her tush and bop her head and sometimes even follow directions ;)

I think the rain is making me a little off so I've been a little extra emotional this Mother's Day weekend. It's the first one since my grandma passed last summer, so that makes its kind of different. I guess I keep thinking a lot about how my mom doesn't have her mom this year, and that thought is really painful. I think about how I couldn't bear losing my mom and then I think about how my mom must be feeling. 

Then also my mom isn't here. She's in Europe - and totally deserves that vacation but I kind of wish I could hug her. 

So this Mother's Day it'll just be me with my little family - Brian and the babies. It's my first Mother's Day as a mom of two, and I feel ridiculously blessed. Patrick is the sweetest baby and the most amazing, chunky, happy addition to our family. It's hard to imagine he wasn't here last Mother's Day. 

Brian and the kids are taking me out for brunch tomorrow and then giving me the day "off". They gave me a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure so I'm thinking I'll redeem that, and I plan on lounging in bed and taking a bubble bath! 

Of course, I'll also do laundry and pack the kids for the beach. We leave on Monday for a couple days to go to Ocean City. Patrick will celebrate turning 9 months by putting his toes in the sand and seeing the ocean for the first time. I'm a tad nervous for our first family of four trip (the kids will be sharing a room for the first time which is what im nervous for) but mainly really excited. I can't wait to see what they think of the beach and pool. 

We'll do a little Mother's Day celebration with my mom when she gets back. That woman really deserves everything. She is such an incredible mother and nana. I almost thought about writing a blog for her but the truth is it would take days to write down all of the wonderful things about her. I'm lucky to call her my mom, and over the past few years I've loved seeing her as a nana to my kids. She loves them and takes care of them in the sweetest way, and it shows whenever Hartley makes imaginary phone calls, always saying, "Hi Nina!" She calls her Nina, asks for her regularly, and it's adorable. And Patrick gets his sweet smiling eyes from my mom; I love that people have started telling me that he looks like her. I know he loves her so much, too. She made him little Easter egg Maracas, and my little musician boy loves them. Can you tell I miss her? I do. 

It's funny how much becoming a mother has made me appreciate my mom so much more. She is seriously a real super mom, and my goal is to be half the mom she is :)

Well, better take whatever is left of nap time to rest up. We're having a cook out with my brother and sister in law tonight. Hartley will be so stoked to see them. Ever since she had brunch at their house last Sunday all I've been hearing about is her "uncle an-du and key-line". We're still working on the difference between aunts and uncles but for now this is pretty adorable!

And sorry this is written a little all over the place with the scattered thoughts and pictures but I slept like 4 hours last night so my mom brain is even worse than usuall! 

Infertility Awareness Week

I've read a few different places that it's national infertility awareness week.

It's funny, as a woman with children 18 months apart most of the world assumes I know nothing about about struggling to conceive. 

The other day I met someone with sons 2.5 years apart, and I told her mine were 1.5 years apart. She told me that's what she and her husband were going for but that it doesn't always happen the way you plan. I wanted to say, "It doesn't happen the way you plan is the theme of how both of my children came to be!" I smiled and nodded, and she probably assumed like the rest of the world that I had no clue. 

I don't mind this. 

In a lot of ways I consider myself "fixed" though I will openly admit that I don't plan on testing out that theory any time remotely soon!

But the reason I hardly ever identify myself as a woman who struggled with infertility is because there is a doubly happy ending to my story. Yes, I went through hell and back and did things most people never have to do in their lifetime but it gave me healthy children, and they are my rewards. 

A few weeks ago Brian and I paid rent on our embryos. I cried a lot for a couple days following. Many days I think I'm done having children but my attachment to my embryos, while impossible to explain, is extremely real. Right before getting their "rent" bill I debated giving them up for adoption. But I'm not ready. Neither is Brian. I sometimes think about the day when I'll give my babies away, and I just cry. I hope when that day comes that I feel ready and am able to focus on the positive that will come from helping a couple in need. 

I digress.

I'm getting very far off what I actually wanted to do with this blog entry but I guess I've had a few things on my mind that I needed to get out. 

In honor of national infertility awareness week, I'm sharing the story of Hartley's transfer day. I actually wrote this in a voice to Hartley the other day. Here it goes:

Hartley, 

I want to start your story the day I met you. You came into our lives in a very special way - via in vitro fertilization (IVF). "In vitro" means "in glass" because your earliest days of life were spent growing in a glass dish in a laboratory. Once you grew to a 5 day old embryo you were transferred back inside of me to continue growing. 

I'll never forget that day. Your dad and I nervously made our way back to a special room at the doctor's office. It was literally right next to the lab in which you were grown and residing. I will spare you the graphic details but I will always remember funny, small things from that day. I remember your dad fumbling trying to get his sterile surgical booties over his giant tennis shoes before we entered the room. I remember vividly the mixture of nerves and excitement we both had. I remember the embryologist shaking my hand and telling me they picked out a beautiful, healthy embryo. I remember gazing up at this poster of a Parisian street they had taped to the ceiling. It seemed so funny and awkward just taped up there to try to take your mind off things. 

I remember how everything was done so, so fast. They literally ran from the lab into the room and transferred you within seconds. They showed me on a screen, and I couldn't believe my eyes. In hindsight, that is the most miraculous thing I have ever gotten to watch. 

Most of all I will always remember they handed me a black and white picture of you as this perfect collection of cells. In that moment, my heart was all in. 

The doctor said, "hopefully that's the very first picture of your baby". 

The entire time I was in that room I prayed like I've never prayed before. 

A group of doctors and nurses wished us luck as we walked out.

The entire car ride home from Arlington to Reston I stared at your picture. I wondered if you were a boy or a girl, and as the question entered my mind I told God I didn't care. I asked him just to let you grow and be mine. I remember silently pleading to God: "please, please, please let this be my baby. I promise if you do I will be the best mother". 

This was the Friday going into Memorial Day 2013. I had plans to go to a cookout but we opted to lay low. My intuition was to lay around and relax so I followed it. 

I kept your picture in my nightstand and easily looked at it over a hundred times. I hope, prayed and cried when I thought of you growing.

It may be cliche to say but it is so true - I loved you so much before you were even born. There is nothing in this world that I have ever wanted more. And someone heard every single wish and prayer because I would find out on June 1, 2013 that I was pregnant! 

What I wrote is definitely a teeny sliver of the IVF process, and quite frankly, the easiest part. Women who battle infertility are warriors! 9 months of pregnancy and childbirth are hard enough as is, and these women are doing so much before that part even begins. From investing every piece of your heart and soul to injecting yourself multiple times a day for weeks and undergoing surgery - it is a battle like no other. 

But for those of us lucky enough to have a happy ending, I will say it over and over again - my children were and are incredibly worth it.

(**Patrick, while conceived "the old fashioned way", I consider a happy surprise byproduct of my treatment & pregnancy with Hartley. This is why I say "children") 

These Are The Days

The other day I was on the phone with my mom when she spoke the words, "these are the days". 

This particular phrase has been floating through my mind almost like an airplane banner daily. I've been yearning for a pause button, and it was reaffirmed when my very wise mom, who has three children herself, said it.

We had been talking about how Hartley now uses our names, and we can't get enough of it. When I get her from nap I hear a cheery, "hi, mommy". At night, I hear a sweet, "goodnight, mommy". Sometimes if I'm really lucky I get a, "hug, mommy?" when she asks for a hug. She does it with Brian and my parents, too. Brian will come home from work and she'll scream, "hi, daddy!" and run into his arms. Today when my dad left she said so casually, "bye, Pops!" 

When babies are young, you relish in those early smiles and laughs and take them as the reassurance you need to power through that giant adjustment of becoming a parent. Then you hear your child say "mama" for the first time, and you think it could not possibly get any better. Then they communicate with you so purposefully and address you letting you know what an important role you play. It's ridiculously simple to some but for me it's been amazing and so fulfilling. 

Every day around here is pretty great, and I know I'm living in the golden years. 

Watching Hartley begin to really interact with Patrick has completely melted my heart. It never gets old taking her upstairs with me each morning to "help me" get him from nap. At the top of the stairs I ask her, "Hartley, where's Patrick?" And she knocks on his door, as if Patrick was magically going to turn the knob to let us in ;)

I turn the knob and open the door. Hartley waltzes in, Winnie always trailing her, "Hi, Patrick!" "Patrick!" "He's SO cute!" 

Patrick lights up, happy to see all his favorite girls have come to get him to play. 

Sometimes Hartley sticks her head in between the bars of his crib to peer in, and he laughs hysterically.

It's little sweet things like that scattered throughout my day that remind me how lucky I am - and how much I wish we could stay here. Everyone is happy. Everyone is healthy. And everyone is beyond loved.

Every day we make memories. Simple memories. Finger painting in the bathtub. Finding out what play dough tastes like. Snuggling the dog. Snuggling each other. Learning how to sing songs. Learning to chasse and do somersaults. Tossing toys down the slide. Picking flowers and digging in the dirt. Holding worms. Drawing works of art. Licking frosting off cupcakes. Putting stickers everywhere and discovering the inner workings of a ball point pen. Taking bubble baths in the big girl tub. Hunting for Easter eggs. Chasing every animal. Sliding. Swinging. Running. Jumping. Cheering for nothing at all. 

The sun stays out later so so do we. 

And outside, everything is so wonderful. Everything must be explored. We talk about all the colors of the flowers and are working on our dandelion blowing skills. And when I tell Hartley to make a wish on that dandelion, it occurs to me I have nothing else to wish for. 

This is not to say I'm never tired. I am exhausted every single day of my life. My body physically aches from all the infant and toddler lifting and chasing I do. But is it weird to say it's an ache I almost like? It lets me know my body is working and doing so much each day. With that said I still wouldn't mind if my massive infant could slow his roll with that growing ;)

When Hartley was a young baby I sometimes found being a stay at home mom to be monotonous. Let's face it, infants are cute but they don't do that much. I remember texting Brian during the day on those bored days saying, "that yellow school bus won't get here fast enough!" But now the thought of Hartley someday leaving me for school is actually scary. I'll obviously have Patrick for a bit longer but I'm no where close to wanting these days to end. I love having them home with me and having this time.

Sometimes I will pick out a sappy book during story time, something about mamas and their babies, and I literally start to cry at the thought of these golden years not lasting forever. 

I love when moms say it just keeps getting better. But for now I'm going to soak in the mispronounced words and the arms of my babies wrapped around my neck like a scarf. I'll continue to sniff Patrick's hair when he falls asleep on me. I'll just keep listening to my baby girl sing songs over the baby monitor. I'll smooch Patrick's ridiculously chubby cheeks. I'll soak in when Hartley leads me around by grabbing my hand with her sweet little girl fingers. I'll take way too many pictures. 

And on that rare rough day where I'm begging God to make those school bus days get here faster, I'll reread this and remember that these really are the days, even the messy ones. 

Patty

Patrick Frank. Where to even begin!

I do sometimes feel guilty that when Hartley was a baby I was blogging her updates monthly, and Patrick definitely isn't getting that treatment. But let's get real, what Patrick is getting is far better - he absolutely loves being his sister's sidekick. And if two little ones means less blogging, I highly doubt he'd trade it! 

He continues to be the most well-natured baby I've ever known. He always has a smile and a laugh ready to go.

The most easy way to describe him is by saying, he is a giant ball of love. His continues to be a big baby. His large, squishy body is so amazing to snuggle. When he falls asleep on me I just want freeze time forever. I often joke with people that Patrick has ruined me for other babies. Not only his personality but his delicious baby rolls - I don't think I'll ever see another babe who can compare. I honestly think I'll cry the day he begins walking because I know those rolls will leave. And channeling Bev Goldberg, he won't be my little snuggle monster anymore!

I just wish time could stand still and he could stay this way always. 

He loves baths. He loves being sung to. He loves any toy that his sister is playing with. He likes books but he'll definitely turn the pages at his own speed ;)

He loves meal time. He loves outside time; he enjoys his baby swing. He loves Hartley, and Winnie, and pretty much everyone else. 

He loves rolling around. 

He's cool with outings and errands. The stroller and carseat don't phase him at all. We only noticed a teeny change in his disposition while getting his four teeth! 

I just asked Brian what Patrick doesn't like and the only thing we can collectively come up with is, "when you don't feed him his food fast enough". This is hilarious - and true. The only time I've ever seen him upset is when I was feeding him guacamole and accidentally put the spoon down to give him a little break! 

He is sitting on his own for about 5-10 seconds. He is trying to get his legs under himself to crawl but currently can only backwards army crawl and rotate. It's amazing how far he gets around with that and rolling as his only means! 

He is very chatty, which was pointed out at his assessment. We were told his development is fantastic outside a little delay with his gross motor skills. We were told how engaging his is, and of course, everyone marveled at his good nature.

Patrick gets these sorts of comments wherever he goes. And if I had a nickel for every time I heard, "he is the biggest, smiliest baby I've ever seen" or "he has the most beautiful hair!" Oh Lawd, I'd be a wealthy woman. 

I also have heard a hundred times how my son is going to be a linebacker. But, no, he isn't playing football! I told someone that the other day, and they told me that'll he'll probably be an astrophysicist instead. I'll take it ;)

My baby boy, you win hearts wherever you go, and your mama knows exactly why. You are as sweet and fun as you are cute. I just feel like you truly are going to do amazing things because you are just a ray of sunshine that lights up everywhere you go. In all my life, I couldn't have dreamt up a little boy as wonderful as you. I used to think I could never see myself as a "boy mom" but holy moly, you really changed that for me. I love being your mom and I love you to the moon and back. The world is a better place because you are in it. 

Easter Weekend

The week leading up to Easter was exhausting. Hartley had her first session with her speech therapist. It was a shit show; she cried for at least 90 percent of the session. Afterwards I felt terrible and questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. I have no clue what I'm doing but we'll see if next week goes better. 

We also had Patrick's assessment, which went beautifully. He is developing wonderfully but is slightly behind with his gross motor development. They said this was because of his size (you're shocked - right?). It was up to us if we wanted to have a physical therapist come out and work with him once a month. We chose to do it mainly because we are already paying for Hartley, so this is essentially "free" for us. Even though it went well, it was exausting. Apparently it was exhausting for Patty too because he napped for three hours afterwards! 

When Friday rolled around, I was spent. It's truly amazing to me how some weeks just kick my ass - and this was one of them. So Brian came home from work a few hours early, and let me run some errands solo. When I got home from errands we all went to Reston Town Center for dinner. We ate outside at Uncle Julio's, and Hartley ate her body weight in chips and queso. It was the perfect way to kick off the weekend!

Saturday morning my mom took me shopping. I know for her it was something simple to do together but she has no idea how much I really needed that. I haven't bought real, non-maternity clothes in years (pathetic, I know). So I got to spend a couple hours away from the babies while my mom treated me to new outfits that actually fit and look good on my mom-of-two body. Don't ask me how back to back pregnancies expanded my rib cage but they did! It's really sad but I hardly ever do stuff like that for myself so driving home from the mall it felt as refreshing as if I'd taken a week long vacation! Thanks, mom!

Saturday evening we hosted my best friend Johanna's family for a cook out play date. Her two sweet girls (my god babies!) are such fun playmates for Hartley. They're a year older than Hartley so she thinks she's hanging out with the coolest older girls, and it's adorable. Johanna brought the most delicious bunny cake and some sweet gifts for Hartey and Patrick. She's the best! A fun time was had but then it was off to bed so the Easter bunny could come! 

Easter morning the babies opened their Easter baskets. 

This Easter was special for a few reasons: we hosted brunch in our new house, it was Patrick's FIRST Easter, and it was the first holiday where I felt like things clicked a little for Hartley.

Hartley got play dough in her basket, and she didn't want to eat breakfast because she was having so much fun playing with it. It totally felt like having a little kid as opposed to a baby who could care less about a basket - and that was actually really cool. 

We had both of our families over for brunch. I honestly didn't have to do much; I bought a fruit salad and made zippy cheese omlettes. The menu consisted of those plus monkey bread, ham, shrimp, biscuits and potatoes. My sister in law made an adorable bunny cake and she and my mom made cute Easter sugar cookies. Mimosas flowed, babies got passed around and a fun time was had. Hartley hunted for eggs and got so into it! Patrick and their cousin Mary are way too little to get in on the action so I didn't know if she'd be bored hunting solo but she definitely wasn't. She loved having everyone watch her and cheer her on. I'm hoping Patrick is into it next year because I think it'd be hilarious to watch a little egg hunt competition! 

After brunch, the babes napped. When they woke, we took the party back outside for more egg hunting and swing set fun. They didn't mind that it was sprinkling, and Brian and I decided it was totally appropriate to do a little misty, outside day-drinking. Keeping it classy for the neighbors, of course ;)

The weekend went by too quickly as always. Another first holiday came and went too fast. 

With all of that, we wish everyone a Happy Easter! Hope it was full of good eats, drinks and company! 

Life Lately

I had started to write an entry detailing Hartley's assessment (to find out whether or not she was eligible to receive services from the county). Then I decided that it was something I didn't feel like sharing with the whole world. It's not because I'm embarrassed, I'm fine with saying Hartley is eligible and will receive services. She did a fantastic job at the assessment, and I couldn't be any prouder. But it was intense and I've chosen to share all the details and my truest feelings with very select, close friends. 

With all of that said, I don't have a "plan" of how much information I'll share about her sessions. I just want to be careful because it is something so personal for us and especially, Hartley. 

This blog started as a way for me to work through my feelings as I struggled with infertility. A handful of people have reached out to me and told me that portion of my blog helped or touched them, and that was a wonderfully happy accident. Then I chronicled my pregnancy and my experience as a new mom, and I found writing to be so therapeutic. Now, I'm no longer the star of this blog - my children are. That is wonderful and scary at the same time. I love talking and sharing about them but as they grow I'm trying to be very careful what I put out there about them. They are my pride and joy, and I honestly want to over share all their sweet moments all day long but I really don't want this to resurface some day and be a source of embarrassment. If that makes any sense. 

But if anyone does read this and is struggling as they notice their child developing a little more slowly than their peers, if you reach out to me I'm happy to share things with you.

With all of that said, life has been just as busy, tiring and fun as ever. 

This beautiful weather has made life so wonderful. We're constantly spending time together outside, and I love it! We've been going for walks and wagon rides, playing with sidewalk chalk, playing on our new swing set and dining al fresco on our deck. Spring is in the air, and our family couldn't be any happier about it. As a stay at home mom, I find this to be the very best season because it means there are a solid 6-7 months ahead of fun outdoor activities! 

Hartley is the star of today's blog. We haven't hit the terrible two's yet, only the terrific two's, and I've been absolutely loving seeing Hartley now more as a little kid. She says and does the cutest things, and she has the sweetest personality. 

She's started going to story time at the library regularly with my mom. My mom also takes her to swimming lessons weekly. This has been amazing for Hartley and I. It's great for Hartley to be bonding with my mom and getting these experiences, and it's nice for me to get a few hours a week of just having one baby! 

I've started doing Baby Ballerinas with Hartley on Saturday mornings. I touched on our first class, which was a little rough. Hartley was very shy and unsure of the whole thing.

Saturday, however, she really blossomed! The teacher came up to me and told me how much better Hartley did, and how she was so cute. 

I'll admit, following directions is not her strong suit. She definitely marches to the beat of her own drum. As the other ballerinas marched, galloped and skipped along side their parents in the circle, Hartley would let go of my hand and run to the middle of the circle to dance. She'd be in the center just doing her own moves as I traveled around the circle without my baby ballerina. After a bit, I'd grab her hand and try to get her to follow along. I was so proud that she'd warmed up that I didn't want to stifle her but I also didn't want to disrupt the class. It's one of those scenarios that is still a delicate balance for me to strike.

Sunday we took the kids to see the Easter bunny. I went up early and got the first spot in line, and Brian met me there about 10 minutes before the bunny got there. I thought Hartley would do okay because she was happy as a clam waiting. She was even enthusiastic to see the bunny but once she realized Brian and I were backing away after we sat her on his lap, she was not having that. Life and Easter pictures are never boring with this crew! 

The mall trip was fun after that. Hartley loved walking around holding my hand, and she got new sneakers. Patrick, as always, was just happy to be along for the ride.

Hartley and Patrick are starting to entertain each other these days so this past weekend we really relished in watching that. The best parts of motherhood to date are watching Hartley interact with Patrick and watching him squeal in delight and laugh when she gives him attention. My heart almost exploded this weekend when, unprompted, she went over to snuggle Patrick. It truly makes all the bits of exhaustion feel very worth it.

That is our life lately. I do hope to blog about Patrick more soon. He continues to be a giant ball of love. He's all juicy baby rolls and laughter. More on that love bug to follow soon - I hope :)

Babies are different

This is something I've actually wanted to blog about for months but today I saw an article on Facebook that reminded me of it. 

The gist of the article was that babies are not one size fits all. Some are difficult, some are easy, and many fall in that vast range. And that easy baby that's such a good sleeper isn't because the parents are magical, it's sheer, dumb luck. 

I am here to say that a couple years ago, I didn't really know this to be true. As a first time mom, I was always troubleshooting. Why the hell was my baby crying so much? She could cry for literally hours straight. One time I called the doctor and told them my daughter has been crying for two hours - clean diaper, fed, no matter how I held her, rocked her, put her down - it just wouldn't stop. They told me to make sure her needs were met. I had just told her they were though. I remember my mom coming over so Brian and I could just leave and go for a walk to get a small break from the non stop wails. 

At two months, Hartley's doctor diagnosed her... as a sensitive baby. I'll never forget the doctor told me I was doing a fantastic job but I just had a baby that was sensitive in every way. Sensitive stomach, sensitive to people, sensitive to different places, sensitive to how she was held or what she was doing. In a way, it was a relief. Finally A DOCTOR told me that I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't a terrible mom. But also, what I then realized was this wasn't likely "a phase". Note to past self: it definitely was not a phase. 

Hartley slowly adjusted to the world. But even now, she is slow to warm. The other day in baby ballerinas she was the only little girl that cried in class. She wasn't crying for any other reason than being very unsure of these new people and new surroundings. All the other ballerinas hopped, galloped, skipped during circle time - and I carried Hartley hopping, galloping and skipping along with them. I didn't want to leave the class. Me two years ago would've left the class in tears. But me now, knows to reassure Hartley but challenge her to try something she's not used to. I stayed positive and reminded her the entire time, "mommy is right here. I'm not leaving you." And when Hartley went up in front of the class (with me by her side), she refused to do a somersault like the rest of the girls, everyone laughed because it was cute. She thought everyone was laughing at her, and she bawled. I actually remember doing that so many times as a kid. You see, I was a sensitive baby and child, too. I was slow to warm. In fact, I'm still both of those things. 

However, I digress. When I was expecting Patrick, I was terrified. I was having panic attacks about how I could possibly spend hours trying to soothe a screaming baby while juggling my toddler. I often joke with people I had PTSD after Hartley's early babyhood. But even said in jest, there was a great deal of truth to that. At the end of my pregnancy my blood pressure was high and my liver was becoming sluggish. The doctors told me I had to calm down - that this baby could be a totally different experience. I thought they were all morons. 

Well, Patrick Frank entered this world as cool as a cucumber. I swear, I don't think I heard him cry his first week of life. In contrast, Hartley cried every single minute she was awake her second day of life - no exaggeration. It was the hardest day of my life.

So I asked the doctors, was something wrong with Patrick? Why wasn't he crying more? When was he going to start screaming? "He might just be an easy baby" they said. 

At his two week appointment, there were two women in the waiting room that had their two week old babies with them. Both of them were with their husbands. Both talking about how tough things were going, and the group looked a little defeated. And here I was, without my husband, feeding my 10 pound two-week old, he was happy as a clam, loving life. I honestly kind of felt like I was on vacation because I didnt have my toddler in tow. I swore up and down to both of them that this was some freak happening. I'm not a baby whisperer, I don't have my shit together, and the other shoe will drop soon. 

When I was back with the doctor, I again asked what was wrong. Why wasn't Patrick crying? And he was sleeping so much! Not on my chest - in a bassinet! 

The doctor told me everything checked out with Patrick; I should just savor this.

I savored it but I was always waiting for the boom. Every time I said he was easy I wondered if I was jinxing myself. I wasn't. He really was the world's easiest newborn. 

As he grows older, I see more of his personality shining through. He is so completely different from Hartley in every way. It's often very strange for me to be having the complete opposite experience from Hartley at his age. Neither is better or worse than the other - just so incredibly different. 

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being easiest, 10 being the hardest: I'd give Hartley a 9.5 and Patrick a 1. And I'm actually so happy about the order in which we had them. Hartley couldn't do errands or sit down restaurants as a baby (without screaming bloody murder) but Patrick surely can. We can go places as a family of four, and I don't feel panicked, anxious and judged. Ok, I felt a tiny bit judged in baby ballet but my girl and I are going to own it and rock it anyway!

But one of the main reasons I wanted to write this, sometimes I see girls on social media who seem frazzled while others seem like peaceful goddess mamas. I wish I had realized that Hartley being a "tough" baby wasn't because I was a shitty mom. I had a baby that no baby whisperer could tame And my first go around to boot! So, of course I was one of the frazzled moms! In the midst of it, I couldn't see clearly but now I know I should've cut myself a break, and I shouldn't have compared myself to anyone else. 

And the second time around with an easy baby, I've thanked God so many times for that "break". It's not because I'm some magical, 2nd time mom unicorn that my son didn't cry as a newborn. I almost wanted to type a disclaimer on his sweet newborn pictures "disclaimer: he's easy and I've earned an easy baby". 

I can also say, if some women say they love the newborn stage - they probably have an easy baby. I LOVED Patrick's newborn stage. I could have lived it the rest of my life. Hartley's was easily the worst time of my life, and you couldn't pay me to go back there. Sorry bout it. 

Another interesting point, 7 months was the age when Hartley got easier because she loves to be active and this was the age she started getting around well. Patrick cries more now than he did as a newborn because he physically can't get around much, and he's frustrated.  See - opposites. Don't ask me how my first child took her first steps at 10 months and was running outside just after her first birthday - I don't foresee that for Patrick. 

I leave you on this note - you know how all people are different? Well take a minute to think about that. Babies are just very young people - so doesn't it make a great deal of sense that they should all be different from one another, too?