Some relief.

I was so relieved that the doctor called me back today. The radiologist hasn't reviewed the pictures yet but the doctor was very reassuring. She said because Hartley is always breech and this was her first head down sonogram that that could have changed the appearance. The angle could've been a little off. All the good previous scans make them very optimistic. Also her ventricle is only mildly enlarged. And if it doesn't change, she should be born without complications. She said this was nothing my infection caused. It's not my fault. She said I need to wait two weeks to get an accurate scan to disprove this one. So while we're not completely in the clear yet, I feel better. And as always, they're watching me closely.

My mom was also champion of the day. She stepped up like nobody's business. Offering to go to the doctor with me. Offering to go grocery shopping for me. Keeping me entertained all day. She told me she and my dad lost sleep over this last night. And even though they're thinking positive, if anything is wrong, I won't be alone. They'd pitch in and help. She said the news is a relief but we'll all just pray and breath the official sigh of relief in 15 days. It hit me that maybe she really is going to ace the grandma thing. She is the busiest woman ever, and she dropped everything to take care of Hartley and I.

My mother in law seemed really concerned about us going to Thanksgiving. So that was interesting. I guess I had other things on my mind and keep forgetting tomorrow is a holiday. But Brian said he's felt the same way. Hard to think turkey when you're worried about a baby. 

Now I think I can mentally prepare for a holiday. And not be too distracted.

Off to return to some normalcy. Time to think the best and enjoy this extra time with the husband.

Waiting

So I woke up at 5 am. I had a couple little tears rolling down my cheek as I came to. I didn't even realize that was possible. 

Looking at the clock I thought "4 hours until I call the doctor".

Brian just slept away. He actually sleeps when he's stressed out so he fell asleep yesterday at 7 pm as I was sitting on the couch crying. I debated for a while if there was anyone I could talk to that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I have a lot of well meaning people in my life who usually just make me feel worse. 

I decided to call my mom. I got through about my first sentence before I just bawled like a baby. She stayed very calm but let me know I was justified in being concerned. A brain anomaly is concerning. She pushed me to go out and get answers from my doctor. She said she'd go with me to be an extra set of ears. We talked a while and when I hung up I genuinely felt better. She called me back an hour later to tell me two things. She said she thought the baby looks so perfect on her ultrasound photos that she didn't look like she could possibly have a problem. And she told me no matter what happens, not to blame myself.

It's weird how even if you don't always know it, your mom knows you so well. How she knows that I had sat around all day beating myself up about my infection is beyond me. When I learned that infections cause this to happen, all I could think about was the bacterial infection I had between last ultrasound and this ultrasound. If I found out an infection caused this, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. 

I talked to my friend Kasie who knows about all this stuff. She even contacted a genetic counselor friend of hers to give some insight. And I talked to my amazing friend Sabrina. Who is one of the rare people who has that gift of always saying the right things at the right time. 

At 5 o'clock, I decided to sit and watch the clock. I decided to worry and to cry. (Side note: if people tell you to shut off worry like it's a light switch, make sure you don't use them as a source of comfort. I actually find the biggest worriers tend to use the "don't worry/it'll all be ok" line on others even though they are the worst ones. Worrying about this stuff is normal, so worry I will. Yoda style.)

I eventually fell back asleep. I woke up at 8:30 and watched until the clock hit 9:02 to call the doctor. I was armed with a list of questions. But the nurse told me that they can't talk to me about it until the radiologist reviews it. She said she'd call the radiologist to get a preliminary report and get back to me as soon as possible. I hope they call. Going in to a 4 day holiday weekend not knowing sounds like a fucking nightmare. Let me tell you I have already decided tomorrow will go down in the books as my least favorite Thanksgiving of all time.

I've decided I can likely fly under the radar at my in laws. I'm not one of the big talkers anyway and there will be enough people that I can get away with eating quietly. At my family's it will be such a small group that it should be easy. Plus, I don't remotely mind crying in front of them if tears accidentally slip out. Let me tell you, pregnancy hormones, first time mom status, plus upsetting news = tears like you would not believe.

Today my mom is coming to be with me. Which is really very nice of her. I didn't ask. She texted me this morning that she'd be over in two hours. Instead of fighting it and pretending I was ok, I decided maybe I should just let someone help me. She offered to go out and buy ingredients for my sweet potato dish, which B and I did yesterday. She offered to take me to get my nails done. 

Brian yesterday spouted off all this "you're such a strong woman" stuff. The toughest he knows. But sometimes I just want people to let me be the imperfect person I am. The woman who breaks down temporarily. I'm not a robot. I'm not a martyr. I'm a soon to be mom worried about my little girl. And I'm not trying to be anything else.

On a positive note. Baby girl stuck her face right into the 3D ultrasound thingy. Guess who she looks Iike? That's right, yours truly. The tech raved about how gorgeous she is. Meanwhile I was thinking, "that girl has mama's lips and nose". Brian noticed on the pictures I brought home. Incredible.

29 weeks, 5 days - our 30 week appointment

So it makes sense that it would rain today. After my appointment I just want to lay in bed and hibernate.

Disclaimer: I know everything will be okay. But I'm writing this to help me process things. And I don't want to talk to anyone right now. It was hard enough for me to talk to Brian.

The appointment started off great. Baby girl is looking gorgeous. You can see her facial features very well now. She has beautiful lips. A very sweet looking button nose. I actually got a decent profile shot of her. She is estimated to weigh 3 pounds, 2 ounces, and she is measuring at the 30 week mark. She is head down. Yay! She moved during the ultrasound. Usually she's as lazy as can be!

We got to my part of the appointment. They asked how I was feeling. I said I was tired and lightheaded but I knew that was normal. The nurse said, "it's a little early for that". In my head I just thought, "another bitch telling me I'm a wuss". How's this for wussy? My 24 hour urine test came back that I'm anemic, even with the iron I'm taking. No one told me that. So for the past 6 weeks my chart said that I'm anemic. No one told me. And this is why I get so tired and dizzy after being on my feet. I got bumped up to a higher dose of iron. They said it will take a while for it to take effect and to get me back to normal.

So I figured, ok, cool. I asked if I was good to go, and the doctor said no. 

She couldn't lecture me about my weight. I'm up 10 pounds. Wonder what this is about.

She wanted to talk about my ultrasound. She asked if I knew about anatomy. I kind of know that stuff actually so I told her that I know a little. Then she tells me that something didn't look right with the baby's brain. She said her left ventricle was prominent. She looked at me to see my response but I just stared and looked blankly at her. What else was I supposed to do. I asked what this meant and what was going on. She told me a radiologist would review it. They want me to come back in two weeks to check again, unless the radiologist thinks it needs to be sooner. She said it is likely nothing - a 10% chance. The fact that it has only shown on one scan is good. She said if it is abnormal in two weeks, they will pass me off to a specialist who can help. I decided I wouldn't cry in front of her. But it was painfully obvious that she and I were both uncomfortable.

She walked me up to the receptionist to help me make the appointment. Right before she began talking about the appointment, she turned to me and asked if I was comfortable with waiting a full two weeks. I said yes. I didn't want to say no, even though no is the real answer.

She looked at me with a very sweet look and told me to rest, to take it easy. And I told her I would.

I walked on to the elevator to be greeted by the perkiest pregnant woman. She too is due with a little girl in the beginning of February. She was all smiles. I tried to be too. Secretly wondering, how are your baby's ventricles?

As soon as I got in my car, I cried. I'm not dumb. I know statistics. I know 10% isn't much. But I also know its still easy to fall in to that 10% group. I cried because I just saw my beautiful daughter then had a doctor tell me she might have a problem. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. There's nothing I can do to help my baby. 

I needed to cry on that car ride home. I needed to not talk to anyone about it. 

Then I got home and had to tell Brian. He asked if he could call. I told him no, I'd text him the details. I hate people seeing or hearing me cry. We're both processing this.

And no, we're not over reacting. We're letting it sink in. Then staying optimistic. 

But as I write this, the walls are spinning a little. I'm having a little trouble taking deep breaths.

I know it will be ok but I can't hear that from anyone right now. This blog might turn back in to my therapist over the next few days. 

7 years ago today.

7 years ago today I met the man I would marry.

When I first saw him I thought, "this guy is so handsome." If you ask him what he thought when he first saw me he'd tell you he thought I was really short. 

He was extremely shy. He would look down when he talked and seemed extremely nervous. I thought it was funny because I'm not the kind of person that people get nervous around. I pretty desperately wanted him to be at ease around me. So at the end when he seemed to be debating whether or not to give me a good bye handshake, I just gave him a big hug.

At a foot taller than me, it was like hugging a big bear.

That day was like any other day for me really. At 21, I went out on lots of dates, and I had no idea that would be the one where I met my husband. 

I sometimes think we're those same two college kids. But the truth is we met at a funny time in life. Because even though seven years may not sound like all that long to some, we actually grew up a lot.

When we met we were living at home with our parents. Brian had just turned 22. Our lives were those of normal college kids. Brian studied a lot. I should have been studying more. I remember the cold December day Brian interviewed for his job, and he's been working there for 6.5 years... now as a manager. He was funny about not going to his commencement ceremony but he bought me a Georgetown sweatshirt from the bookstore on one of his last days on campus. When I graduated he was there. There are pictures of us holding my book at my senior art show and pictures of him with his arm around me in my cap and gown at graduation. He made some big purchases: a condo and then a ring. I moved out of my parents house and in with Brian. Which at first felt like we were just playing house - I was 23! We had our wedding. We patched leaks. We celebrated anniversaries. We had lots of fun, easy days, and then we had some challenging ones. We sold the condo and bought a family friendly townhouse. I got pregnant. And in a couple months, we're going to be parents. 

It seems like forever and the blink of an eye at the same time. It sounds so ordinary yet looking back feels kind of extraordinary. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

And when I think about how much love we have for each other and how well we do as a couple, I know that Hartley is going to be a very lucky girl. We are so lucky to get to be her parents, and she is so lucky to have us as her parents. 

Brian told me this morning that he's so excited for our eighth year. It will certainly be one of the big ones. It can go slowly. I'd love to savor our little family as long as we can. But undoubtedly next year, I'll tell you how it flew. How the baby that grew in my belly during Thanksgiving 2013 might be trying some of her first Thanksgiving foods in a few days. And how it goes too fast. 

7 years. No itch. But some amazing memories and lots to look forward to.

Welcome to Hartley's Nursery (so far)

So a shout out to Brian for figuring out what I clearly couldn't: how to add pictures here!

Lets face it, when Hartley arrives my life is going to change big time. I'm not remotely assuming this parenting thing will be easy (especially the whole keeping an infant alive part). But between all the not-so-fun preparations, the nursery has been a blast to work on.

Obviously the nursery is not done. I have a bit over 10 weeks of baby growing left, and my baby shower in 2 weeks. Obviously I'm not going out and buying linens off my registry just to stage a blogpost for you, so use your "potential goggles" here please. 

Without further adieu, I give you (unfiltered cell phone/not the best quality) pictures. And since you might not want to read captions, I give you numbers so you can read captions below if you choose!

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1. Welcome to the nursery! This is the view as you walk in. The walls are Behr paint but in Sherwin William's "Mountain Air", a very light grayish blue. And yes, we did the less expensive paint in a designer color route. Cut corners where you can, right?

2. This is my homemade cotton ball wreath. I completely copied it from a PB Kids catalog. I did add gold glitter dots that I cut out of glitter paper to give it extra oomph.

3. This is the corner where her crib is. I absolutely love this Jenny Lind crib from Target. Probably should toss up a just crib picture. It's adorable spindles and vintage inspired design give it a lot of charm... For less than $200. I bought it before we knew gender because I loved it that much.

4. As you can see in the "corner picture" this little guy is perched on a shelf. If you read this blog from the beginning you might remember this was our first baby purchase, which we bought the day we found out I was pregnant. But this shelf is also where the video baby monitor will perch to peer in our girl. The shelf is amazing. A container store find. At $30 it wasn't particularly cheap but it's sturdy and gorgeous.

5. My homemade wall art. I made this a couple days after learning her gender. I looked online and found tons of amazing artwork for her room, only to realize I'm not Miss Moneybags, and blowing a ton of money on wall art would just be stupid. So I bought these frames at Michaels, buy 2, get 1 free. I used scrap paper and my thin tipped sharpie and went to town. It reads "We love you... With all our Harts." Cheesy. But I'm cheesy.

6. The splurge of the nursery! This glider was a gift from my in laws. It actually is a Pottery Barn splurge. It is the most comfortable glider in the world. And the wingback design? Amazing. When it's done it's nursery use, it will grace another room in our house with it's presence. I love the lamp too. The lamp is Target - I mean, where else? 

7. The bunny picture I made. I bought this obscenely expensive paper - $8 for a 2 by 3 foot bunny print paper. I had no purpose for it. And I knew Brian wasn't going to be happy. So I ran to Michael's, fished a $12 frame out of the clearance bin and slapped this together using about 1/3 the bunny paper I bought. I just cut out a bunny silhouette from some white paper I had and voila, instant artwork. At less than $16, it's one of my favorite things in this nursery. 

8. Fell in love with a gorgeous Land of Nod version. Reminded myself again that I'm not Miss Moneybags. Bought this curtain rod for less than half the expensive version. Target find. The curtains are Simply Shabby Chic from Target. Have loved SSC for the past 10 years.

9. Here's the dresser slash changing table from Value City furniture. It is amazingly sturdy and appears to be a very quality piece. Bought it on sale - $100 off. Paid $0 to have it delivered because Brian and my brother are two very strong guys and my dad has a truck. Still on the hunt for a mirror for over the dresser...

10. The plastic bins I bought looked majorly cheesy... But they were a lot less expensive than the baskets I liked. Hello, bunny paper, gold glitter ribbon and double sided tape. Looks like boutiquey drawers but they are just some of my "fake it til you make it" creations.

11. Adorable socks gifted to me from my mom's friend. And this little glittery box? $1.79 at the container store. Can use to hold small hygiene products like diaper rash cream, q tips, cotton balls, hair accessories, etc. Might buy 1 or 2 more once we see what she needs at her changing/grooming station. 

12. So this basket isn't perfect for holding books but I had it laying around my house so I figured why not. We'll keep 8-10 books in this basket at a time and the rest will be in a bin in the closet to rotate out when we need them. I'm not one for cluttering a small space with book shelves. Too much. Maybe some day I'll go all out and get a basket with a chalkboard label but for now, the free one works.

13. Not exactly a nursery picture but this is her planned take home outfit. I know it might not be feasible or could be the wrong size but for now I'm hoping it works because I LOVE it. And yes, it's from Target. 

By the way, I felt compelled to disclose some sources and prices here. In a world where we are all pinning well staged, expensive, designer nurseries, I think it's important to remember that we don't have to have those nurseries in order to love the ones we make. My thoughts: splurge when you really want to, save whenever you can, and remember your baby isn't going to remotely care how much you spend on that first room. Oh, and don't let people tell you blue walls aren't a girl nursery thing.

29 weeks.

Last week in the 20's! And for the math geeks - 1 week away from being 75% done. Baby is full term in 8 weeks.

How far along: 29 weeks

Weight gain: 7.5 pounds (doesn't make sense if you saw how many donuts and chocolate crossiants I've been consuming)

Maternity clothes? Yes. I added 4 maternity sweaters to my collection last week as a Christmas gift to myself. Thank goodness for Motherhood Maternity's prices. 4 sweaters and a pair of maternity hose for $120. Still shocked Brian though.

Stretch marks? Yes. But best husband ever says they make us twins, and I love him for that.

Best moment of the week: Anytime I've laid in bed or eaten out. Those are the two things that make me happiest and most comfortable now.

Miss anything? Alcohol. To all the people posting pictures of Christmas cocktails on Facebook, I like your style but I hate you right now.

Movement? Lots of kicks that can't be felt from the outside.

Food cravings: Sweets! Cookies, chocolate, pastries. Today I cut down on it because I've been eating them like nobody's business. But I can't lie, I basically day dream about Christmas cookies non stop.

Anything making you queasy or sick: over eating donuts and some antibiotics I've been taking. But it feels funny to even mention in comparison to the morning sickness from hell!

Have you started to show? Yes.

Gender: sassy little girl

Belly button in? Yes. Please stay that way.

Wedding rings on? Nope. Basically I walk around looking like an unwed mother. 

Happy or moody? Mostly happy.

Looking forward to: seeing her again in just 5 days. Learning her weight update.

29 weeks. I really can't believe it. 

I am on top of the moon almost all the time. Then this little, "uh oh I'm not ready yet" feeling creeps on in. Last Friday, I had a little spaz attack, so Brian and I wrote a checklist. AND started working on it. He changed the outlets in the nursery. They looked pretty awful so there are now new white outlets and new white faceplates. I registered for childbirth and childcare classes. He ordered dreft detergent off amazon so we could wash clothes and linens after the baby shower. We ordered the nursery lamp. Never been so in love with a lamp before. It's a white candlestick floor lamp with a soft pink shade from Target. Target has become a go to place for a lot of the nursery needs. 

He got all the tools and extra junk out of the nursery. I made a cottonball wreath (sounds ugly so this is a time where a picture would be nice so I could prove I'm not crazy).

The crib mattress was delivered yesterday (a gift from my parents since they knew no one wanted to buy us a mattress as a shower gift) so now the basics of the room are taken care of.

I researched how to get pictures up here because I have a million cute ones to share but to be honest, I'm not savvy enough to do it on this iPad.

I have also thought about printing some nursery pictures to bring to the baby shower. Which sounds silly. But here's the reason why as illustrated in conversation form:

Random person: What color is her nursery? What's the theme?

Me: Oh, I think it's really cute. It's blue. There's no real theme - just a very whimsical vibe and the linens and accessories will be all different shades of pink.

Then I get a weird look like I clearly am the worst mother ever for not picking a jungle theme and lugging home a bed in a bag set from my local babies r us. 

Look my parents didn't pay for my art degree for completely nothing, people. (Thank God they didnt just read that) Trust me, I think I know how to decorate a cute nursery. It might not be Pottery Barn Kids or Land of Nod everything but I'm an awesome budget buyer, crafty lady - I got this. 

Well, enough of my random ramblings. It's time for some eggs, turkey bacon, and dunkin coffee. Lucky little girl is actually getting protein instead of straight sugar for breakfast! Then I'm visiting little baby Molly, aka Hartley's future buddy. 

The Question I Can't Answer

Brian told me the other day how creepy I am because I walk through life making conversations with almost everyone I come in to contact with. It came up because while I was at the dermatologist I ended up sitting next to this sweet girl who is due with a boy 4 weeks before I'm due with Hartley. We exchanged numbers and were conversing over Facebook. Brian, looking on, was telling me how much of a weirdo I am. I am weird. But it's so nice to talk to a person my age, due roughly when I'm due.

We actually were in the waiting room for a while so we talked about quite a few pregnancy things. One things we touched on was how funny it is that people ask us both how many kids we're going to have or when we're planning on the next one. She completely shared my sentiments: "Um, can I finish this one first, please?"

I actually don't mind questions like this; I used to ask people stuff like that. And in my case, most of the time, only strangers ask me, and occasionally close friends that think I'll let them in on the mystical secret answer. 

The truth is, over the years, I got comfortable sharing my infertility with the world because I got a little tired of people asking when Brian and I were going to have kids. I could write a whole long blog entry about the evolution of my response to that question over the almost 4 years of marriage before announcing my pregnancy but I digress. 

My new question is one I'm beyond ill-equipped to answer.

For about the first 21/22 weeks of pregnancy I was pretty sick, and I felt pretty miserable. I repeatedly told Brian he better love whatever he gets this pregnancy because it was all I would do. I mean, imagine 7 months of grueling fertility treatment, basically starting pregnancy tired, only to have severe morning sickness. There were days I cried when the light at the end of the tunnel (actually feeling decent) started to sound like a myth. 

Also, after not knowing if we'd ever have one child, I fell in love with the idea of having my one miracle baby. I just basked in that thought and threw away the idea of another baby. I couldn't see ever feeling like I needed anything else. And I usually still feel this way (95% of the time).

But lately as the awfulness seems to have fully exited, I've started to think about having another. I see dads with their sons, and I have this urge to give that to Brian too. So I started researching spontaneous pregnancy after IVF. It does happen. It's certainly not what usually happens but it's not impossible. They see it more often in women with unexplained infertility. Where as my infertility is very explained. Obviously, if we were able to achieve a spontaneous pregnancy, we would be thrilled to have more than one.

We are both very apprehensive about doing fertility treatment again. We are forever grateful for it, and we plan on storing our embryos until we are 100% ready to close that door forever. But neither of us can imagine going through it again. And neither of us wants Hartley to see it. Yes, moms drag their toddlers to their monitoring appointments. It's almost unavoidable. And I don't think I could ever have my daughter know about all that stuff until later, when I think she's ready. And I don't want her to see my weaknesses. I want her to always feel like her mom is a strong lady who can do anything. I don't want her to ever know the women who needed syringes and pills every day and couldn't keep her shit together.

Though I threw out to Brian the other day, "what if they transferred two, we had twins and actually had three kids total?" He seemed thrown through a loop by my question. We hadn't even thought about the possiblity of 3 kids in a long, long time. Yes, as newlyweds we thought we were going to have 3 or 4! Insert boisterous evil laugh here.

So when people ask, I've started with my very vague response of, "we're not sure yet." People give me the same weird looks as they did when I used to tell them Brian and I weren't sure when we'd start our family. Wondering in their minds, "don't you morons discuss these things?"

Somedays I want to say, "depends if this pregnancy fixes my fucked up lady parts." But I have to remember how uncomfortable everyone else in this world is with that kind of honesty.

I think over time my stock answer will evolve. But Brian and I know the true answer. The true answer is that we have no idea. We don't know what life has in store for us. We know that ultimately how many kids we have won't entirely be our decision. And it's taken me years to realize that's the right way to approach things. Yes, hardest life lesson ever. Sometimes you just need to let go of the set numbers and expectations. You say "fuck it". And you let life take you where you need to be when you're supposed to be there.