Pushing

It's kind of crazy that we're more than halfway through November. This month has been very good to our family. We've seen two noteworthy changes/milestones: Hartley moving into her "big girl bed" and Patrick getting his first haircut. We've had a lot of fun enjoying the nice weather though we're not loving how early it now gets dark out! The kids and I have been battling gross colds - 'tis the season. And we've been greatly anticipating the upcoming holidays! 

I've come to my space today to talk a little bit about a new goal we have for Hartley. 

Brian, Patrick and I all had the pleasure of attending Hartley's Thanksgiving luncheon at school. Brian and I had really been looking forward to it. We'd been so eager to see her in her environment with her new friends. The teachers definitely told us it would be more chaotic than their typical day so I was expecting pure craziness but I was amazed at how orderly the class is!

That morning before we left, I was out with Winnie and got to talking to my neighbor. She was telling me to treasure these school events because they really are such special times. We definitely did treasure it. Brian took off work for it. We brought Patrick along. Our whole little family enjoyed the exciting first! 

We did come to realize that Hartley had the most difficulty sitting still and staying in her seat out of all of her classmates. Her teacher had actually brought this up to me recently, and I told her it was a work in progress for us. Its a struggle during every ballet class; she loves to move. But then, being in her classroom and seeing her relative to her classmates, it kind of clicked for Brian and I a little more. We both enjoyed our time but I think afterwards we both kind of felt like we haven't been pushing her as hard as we should. 

Something that I'm learning firsthand is how differently people learn. I always have thought that if you told your child what to do and modeled it yourself, your child would just learn it. It's pretty wild but as Patrick grows, I'm watching things just click very naturally for him. Whereas with Hartley, we have to actively teach her things, and even then, our "teaching" doesn't always work. 

Brian and I are both very soft parents. Instinctually, we like to see our children happy. So sometimes when we try to teach Hartley things, and we see her struggle and become frustrated, we pull back a little. 

Hartley, while very intelligent, naturally struggles a little bit more with following directions, learning self care, etc. And while she is a really happy kid, she gets very frustrated when things are hard for her, which is understandable. Brian and I hate seeing her feel frustrated and defeated so we stop pushing her. 

Well, on Thanksgiving lunch day, I felt like such a bad mom. Hartley was the only child who didn't want to sit in her seat to eat. I was going to let her just get up and walk around because I didn't want to cause a scene but her teacher made her sit. Hartley hated it but her teacher pushed her to do it anyway. She talked to us about making her sit at home. 

Both Brian and I turned to each other when we got in the car, and we could tell what the other was thinking - we have to start trying harder. I think we have to start accepting that some things aren't going to come naturally so we have to push more. Sometimes we're going to have to work on and practice things with Hartley that might come more naturally to other kids. 

We love that our daughter is happy. She truly is a wonderfully spirited, sweet, happy child. Neither of us want to become hard asses but we need to start raising the bar. Just because something is unpleasant and hard, doesn't mean we can avoid or continue to postpone learning it.

There's such a delicate balance in raising children. You need to push but also comfort. You want them to be happy but you also want them to grow and move forward, even if it's challenging to do so. For me, this is actually my biggest challenge as a parent. I think I'll be struggling with balance as long as I live. 

Our first night of having her sit for dinner, we tried to get her to take 5 bites of her dinner. She's atypical in the way that she doesn't understand things like "take 5 bites of your meal and you get dessert". She's a picky eater, and at this point, she can't be reasoned with. So we actually were unable to get her to take any bites of her dinner. We tried very hard and stayed strong for what seemed like an eternity. She ultimately broke down and began trying to get herself to throw up. Don't worry, if anyone hosts us for dinner we won't be pushing this hard at your house so you'll be spared that lovely episode ;) She crawled into Brian's lap and clung to him. She hit him a couple times, and continued to cry.

It was pretty pathetic but both Brian and I started tearing up. We felt so bad for her. It was awful. We weren't crying because she didn't eat her green beans; we cried because she just doesn't understand what we're saying. It's actually really heartbreaking to try to talk to your child and realize they are frustrated because they can't understand what you're asking of them. Earlier I referenced how different brains are. It's sometimes hard for us to watch things click for Patrick at 15 months that Hartley has struggled with for a long time and is only starting to get at close to 3 years. 

Despite not eating dinner, we did cave, and she ate freeze dried apples. We were trying to use those as a reward for trying 5, then 3, then 1 bite of her actual dinner. We were able to get her to sit and stay at the table eating freeze dried apples though, which was a victory for us. 

Tonight she might've eaten a bite or two of her actual dinner. We then gave her a yogurt pouch, and she was able to sit at the table for 14 minutes.

I write about this to come back and revisit. To remember on the days that I don't feel like fighting these battles, that there is a point to them. She is capable of learning. She will get there. But she needs my help - and Brian's help. And even if I think that this should come more easily than it does, that doesn't really matter. Everyone's journey to learn things is different. It might take longer but she will get there. I need to push myself to push her. Yesterday night was my wake up call to keep forging on. 

Soon I'll come on here and share all of the super cute little moments that have compiled this month but today I had to write this. As we roll into Thanksgiving I'm feeling very thankful for so many things but I'm already feeling that New Year's urge to start anew, too. This is my little way to hold myself accountable. 

Post Election

Yesterday started off a little rough. I made the mistake of mentioning to my 2 year old daughter that we were going to the playground with her friend Norah. She doesn't understand time so when I try to explain, "we're leaving in 30 minutes" that means nothing to her. 

She was excited to go to the playground so she sweetly attempted to carry over all 3 pairs of shoes - mine, hers, and Patrick's. This was a goal we worked on for months that just clicked. It's a life changer, by the way. I wanted to give her positive reinforcement because that's what every professional has said I'm supposed to do. So I hurriedly put on everyone's shoes, and figured we'd just get to the playground early. 

Well, when we arrived Norah obviously wasn't there yet. Again, my child is very literal so she begins screaming, "NORAH PLAYGROUND!" over and over and over. No ritz cracker bribe will work to calm her. No redirection is working. She's "hard to redirect" according to professionals. Strangers walking by gave me empathetic looks. Luckily Norah and her mom were there 15 minutes later. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then it was Patrick's turn to fuss. He's getting eight teeth at the same time so he's always on the edge of a meltdown.

I was able to cheer him up by taking him to chase balls on the tennis court but Hartley was devastated to leave Norah. I explained we'd give Patrick five minutes on the court, then we'd head back to our friends. She wasn't satisfied with this so she balled up her fist and began shoving it down her throat and gagging. Her eyes began to water. And I wanted to cry. She was so mad at me that she was hurting herself. So I went to grab Patrick, and I told her, "we're going to Norah right now. Please stop! It's okay." 

But it was too late. She was too far gone. She began biting her hand. And I fought back tears. I had just gotten to the point a week earlier where I told Norah's mom that Hartley has autism. I wanted her to know why things are sometimes different with Hartley, and I illogically feared if I told her, they wouldn't want to play with us anymore. Now here we were, my son screaming as I've interrupted his play, and my daughter hell bent on knawing off her hand. I said good bye quickly and jogged my stroller away. I told myself we were never going out in public again. I doubted myself, like I always do. 

I decided I wasn't going to vote. I was too tired. I couldn't do it.

But during nap time, an ad for Hillary came on that I've seen a hundred times this election cycle. There's a clip of Donald Trump mocking someone with disabilities and tears streamed down my face. I couldn't stop them. Poetically, Hartley began to wake. I went in to go get her, and I said, "good morning, baby!" She chirped in a mirroring inflection, "good morning, baby!" She echoes me. She does it less since starting school but all of the professionals we've met with have noticed this about Hartley within minutes of meeting her. I looked into her gorgeous, smiling blue eyes. And again the tears came. In that moment I decided, as hard as taking them to the polls will be, as embarrassed as I might feel at times, I'm doing it. And here it is folks, not PC at all, I wasn't voting for my son or my husband or even myself. I was voting for my daughter who is differently abled. As her mother, I was standing up to a bully. I was going to show how I felt, not my posting a rant on Facebook but rather by exercising my right. 

I uneffectively briber my children with candy and walked with my head held high as I cast my ballot. And on the way home, the tears came again. I had just voted for the better candidate. But I had voted for the first female president with my young daughter right by my side. If that doesn't give you chills, nothing will. I was doing my teeny part to shatter the hell out of that glass ceiling while standing for what I believe in. 

Spoiler alert: my candidate didn't win. 

I gulped back wine. I stayed positive until 2 am when the tears came yet again. But I reminded myself tomorrow was a brand new day. I had and have to be the strong woman I am each and every day. I owe my children that. I may feel surprised, disappointed, and even a little sick to my stomach. But life is no longer about me. It's about my kids and the example I set for them every day. 

If I cuss, they cuss. If I cry, they begin to cry. If I mope and wallow, they'll be sad. They look to me for guidance, positivity and security. And no matter who the president is, this is what I will give them. You can voice your opinions without anger and hatred. You can be strong without instigating. 

If I preach and practice love, acceptance and compassion - I pray my children will do the same someday. If I teach them to find the good in life, I hope it sticks. 

This is how a special needs mother of two feels this post Election Day. You can feel how you feel. You are absolutely entitled to that. But respect my right to do the same.

Our October

October was so good to our family. Just consider the bookends: October 1st Patrick took his first steps and October 31st the kids went trick or treating for the first time! 

The month actually started a little oddly. We were thrilled that Patrick decided it was time to start walking and things were really clicking for Hartley at ballet. However, we were in this weird space where we still weren't positive what Hartley's plan for fall was. September we learned she was eligible to receive special education services through the school system, and she received the ASD diagnosis. But we still had no idea if and when she'd start school or how she was going to feel about it. I remember feeling beyond burnt out from months of assessments, appointments and uncertainty. 

But after Hartley's IEP meeting and finding out she would start school, things really got so much better for us. I was nervous for that first day but she really loved it from day one. I credit Pathways to Preschool for our brilliant transition. It really just took about a week for us to settle into our routine, and it already feels like old hat.

It makes me so happy that she loves school, and Patrick loves his one on one time. Hartley is making great progress. We literally kicked off October with Hartley talking in 1-2 word/phrase labels. We have wrapped it up with her beginning to speak in sentences where she is genuinely expressing her own thoughts. I mean - phenomenal. It has been just one gigantic win for our family and easily my proudest moment of motherhood to date. 

Outside of the accomplishments made this month, we have taken full advantage of the beautiful weather and all of the fall fun that Northern Virginia has to offer! 

The kids have been taking lessons on Saturday mornings. Patrick goes to swimming lessons with Brian, and Hartley does ballet class with me. My mom takes Patrick to music class once a week, which he really enjoys. We have gotten to go to so many fun playgrounds and parks during the week. We reconnected with an old neighbor and having been having weekly play dates with them. 

We have done the big fall festivals. We went to Cox Farms. Brian's work has a certain day where they get discounted tickets and reserve a pavilion so we took full advantage of that. However, I have to say, I think the best fall festival is put on by Leesburg Animal Park; they do Pumpkin Village. Well worth the drive. We went once as our little family of four, and then I took the kids during the week so we could go with my sister, her husband, their baby girl, and my mom. The kids really love Pumpkin Village; there's so much for them to do! 

We took them to do the corn pit and a hayride at Krop's Crops in Great Falls. It's a much smaller operation but a fun little thing to do that's only a couple miles from us. 

Brian was out of town for 5 days in Florida so when he got back he gave me some time off, and he took the kids to the petting zoo. We are annual pass holders and after a couple months we've already got our money's worth out of them! And Brian had another day hanging with the kids when I hosted a friend's baby shower. He took them to Great Falls National Park, and they had a blast. 

I am a member of Herndon MOMS Club, and Patrick and I hosted the Halloween Costume Party Play date the Friday before Halloween. We had a huge turn out, and it was a lot of fun! 

Then we ended the month by trick or treating in my parents' neighborhood. The kids were Ariel and Sebastian (from The Little Mermaid) for Halloween. I was worried for how it would go. Obviously Patrick was too young to really participate but I wasn't sure how Hartley would do. Well, it went AMAZING. 

We ate pizza for dinner at my parents' house, then practiced knocking on their door and saying "trick or treat" and "thank you". Then we were on our way. Hartley loved dressing as Ariel, and after her first couple houses, she totally "got it". Then she was on a roll, and we were just going house to house like it was our job. Patrick rode in the wagon nibbling on cookies and Rice Krispie treats so needless to say, he was a happy Sebastian.

Hartley did a great job saying "trick or treat" and "thank you so much!" One house she actually said, "thank you, sir!" and I couldn't help but laugh. It was so cute. 

We couldn't have done it without our posse: Nana, Poppy, and Aunt Caroline (who dressed as Ursula - amazing). We all took turns walking Hartley up to the doors, and I think she relished in all of the attention. It was so sweet to see her proudly walking around in her sequined costume taking turns holding hands and knocking on doors with all of us. She truly was the sweetest Ariel. 

I'm hoping November brings us the same luck for more progress and lots of happy moments and creating more special memories. It truly is a month to feel thankful. 

Hope everyone else had a wonderful October and is able to find many things to be thankful for this month :)