Monday, April 20, 2015

Perspective

Lately life has been wonderful. There is something amazingly powerful about fresh air and sunshine. Once we started seeing days consistently in the 50's and above I felt like I was reborn. I actually think spring might be my new favorite season.


I've stopped blogging for the most part. The truth is there's not much to say. Every entry would look the same. Life is good. We spend a lot of time on walks, on the soccer field or at the playground. And while Brian and I are finding every damn thing Hartley does to be adorable beyond words, I'm sure most of the world doesn't share our same fascination. 


But yesterday I finally felt inspired to write a blog. 

While life has been absolutely wonderful lately, I still carry around a lot of minuscule worries. They are pretty silly things to worry about but they're the things that are big in my life currently. 

I'm scared for Patrick's arrival. I'm scared to go through child birth. I now know what to expect, and it isn't easy. I'm scared for the post partum period. I'm scared for the newborn phase. I'm scared to attempt breastfeeding again. I'm scared to juggle two very young children. I'm scared for how everything will affect Hartley. I'm scared that it will be a long time before life feels easy again. Like I said, I know these fears will strike many as trivial but they are still the fears I have. Ok, trivial isn't the correct word here. They aren't trival worries as much as they are good worries to have because they are the worries that accompany a baby. 

Brian and I have also been talking about making a big change in about a year. It's not another baby so don't even go there! I'm not putting it on the blog since it's still very far away. My close friends and family have heard us talk about it, and they're probably laughing at how silly I am. I truly worry about changes that aren't even that crazy of changes - and changes that are far away. I second guess and think of all the hard parts. So yeah, I'm worried about something we've discussed doing in a year, that's a very happy, positive, exciting thing. 

So like I said, life has been great but even still I'm not totally living worry-free. 

But yesterday things clicked for me.

We were going to visit my grandparents in Maryland. I'm very fortunate to still have 3 of my grandparents still living, which means H has met 3 of her great grandparents. Pretty amazing. 

As we were driving out, we were running late. We left about 5 minutes later than my latest cut off time. Hartley had napped long even though I purposely put her down for her nap very early. I was already stressed about that but then I was sitting in the car worrying more. What if she poops, and we have to take a diaper change detour? What if she starts flipping out and cries the whole way? What if she melts down when we get there or she makes a total mess? If you're the parent of a small child, these fears may sound familiar. Of course, we missed our exit. It wasn't a big deal but I worried that we were going to be even later. 

Well guess what happened? We got there a little late. But guess what else? My grandparents weren't mad or disappointed. There were just happy to see us. Even though Hartley was running around like a whirling dervish, they just lit up watching her. Hartley smiled, laughed and had fun. So did they and so did we. Everything was fine. Then she left and visited my grandma in her rehab center (she just suffered a stroke). Again, everything went wonderfully. Hartley ran around and danced and chased bubbles, putting on her little show. My grandma smiled and lit up watching her. And nothing went awry. 



Everyone had fun. All went well. And Hartley even slept in her carseat on the way home. But I wasted an hour on the drive over worrying. 

On the way home I looked back and thought, "how silly am I?" 

We spent time with 4 generations under the same roof. It was a beautiful thing. Everyone was happy. My grandparents were happy to see us, and we enjoyed seeing them. I think they truly treasure getting to see a baby toddle about since it's been a very long time since my cousins and I have been that small. They weren't sweating the small stuff in that moment - so why the hell was I? The beautiful wisdom that comes with age.

It's hard but I need to let the little stuff go. Things will sometimes slip around me. That's ok. I need to stop worrying about the bad parts of things. The truth is, Patrick is a miracle in the truest sense of the word. I am beyond blessed to be pregnant, especially because it was very difficult (understatement) for me to conceive Hartley. I'm growing human life. I'll be welcoming my son. And it will be difficult but someday these baby days will be gone. While they can be exhausting, they are fleeting, and I will one day miss them. 

As long as life can be, it will still always be too short. 


So I took Hartley for a walk this morning - both in our pajamas. I savored being able to push that big stroller with my big babe. Even though my pregnant back can get achy, I remembered to savor what I was doing. I was breathing in misty rain soaked air and listening to Hartley kick her feet around and laugh about nothing. Life is wonderful. It's never perfect but wonderful. These days of just her and I are numbered so I'll soak them up and appreciate them and try not to live in fear of what is to come.

I realize this entry is a little cheesy but I'm hoping it reminds others (especially on a Monday) not to sweat the small stuff and appreciate the good stuff. If we could all focus more on the positive and less on the negative, what a wonderful world it would be. I'm constantly trying to be the best person I can be. I will inevitably fail at times (that's life) but today I'm motivated not to take things for granted. 

Hartley has brought me a copius amount of perspective on life. But sometimes it slips away in the doldrums of the day to day. Seeing the joy she brings to those much closer to the end of life than the beginning refreshes that perspective. These are the days, and it's time to enjoy them without getting bogged down in worries. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

14 months.

Dear Hartley,

You've been here for 14 months now but I've gotten to the point where I can't remember life without you. As usual, this has become my favorite age! 

You have blossomed so much. This past month has really be defined by lots of playing outside. It's your favorite thing. You love to run. You love to find sticks and rocks. You also love pulling these little warning flags out of the ground that are in the ground on the pipeline. Of course you loved "hunting" for Easter eggs, too.

You've also gotten really into bouncing your ball and even trying to dribble it. 

You are constantly babbling. It's adorable. You prefer babbling to speaking with your words but you have quite a few under your belt now. You can say the following words: hi, bye, yeah, no, dada, mama, woah, baa (sheep noise). You also know quack and moo (which sounds like "oooo") but you're more shy about saying them in front of people. Lately I've also thought I've heard you say "ball" a couple times. 

You're very proud of your skills, as you should be! You often bring your sheep to me so I'll ask you what a sheep says. You'll say "baa" and smile from ear to eat with pride. Sometimes you even clap for yourself. 

You've mastered stacking rings on your ring stacker. You're starting to get how to use your shape sorter. You have the most success with getting the circle in it. 

You still love to dance. I have so many videos on my phone of you dancing and you're continuing to get new moves. I think your current favorite song is Uptown Funk. I have a cute video of that one! 

On Easter you liked playing with chalk but crayons haven't really taken off here yet. When I give you crayons you color on everything that isn't paper. 

You love being read to and have started sitting in my lap for story time. You love The Biggest Kiss and The Belly Button Book. Dad reads you Tacky The Penguin almost every morning, and I love to sneak in and watch you guys. 

Since I'm pregnant with your little brother, we definitely need tv chill out time sometimes (especially today because I have a nasty cold). You love Sesame Street. You love Elmo. You love to dance, clap and stomp along to the songs. It's so cute. Dad got you a Cookie Monster doll, and you give the Cookie Monster doll hugs. 

Your favorite foods are basically all fruits. The top two are grapes and blueberries. You're definitely in a toddler phase of only wanting to eat what you like so we often save fruit for dessert. You also love hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets and green beans. Total toddler palette! 

You also love to make music with your xylophone and piano. You're starting to get wood puzzles like the one of your name. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting lots of things but in summary, you are an amazing little person. You have a very sweet, happy go lucky personality. You have little fear. You are wild, active and adventurous. Your dad and I love seeing you smile, laugh and explore.

I love you so much, lovey. 

Happy 14 months! 

Love, Mama


Monday, April 6, 2015

Easter

I think this Easter takes the cake for the favorite holiday of my adult life. 

Hartley is still at an age where she definitely doesn't "get" the Easter bunny coming and bringing her a basket of goodies yet. I'm thinking each holiday after this one it will start to click a little more. 

As awful as it makes me sound, I missed her Easter morning expression when she got to see her gifts. The night before Easter I was up from 1:30-5:30 and slept in to a whopping 7:30, just long enough to miss the basket time. I'm told she was pretty excited though!

The truth is we hardly bought Hartley anything for her birthday (a puzzle and a small little people set), and we really just bought her one big gift (a bunny rocker) for Christmas. So as Easter approached we both were having the itch to buy her specific toys that were bigger than traditional Easter gifts. So we went for it. Brian bought her a little tikes basketball hoop, and I bought her an easel with a magnetic white board and chalkboard. The room we once called a family room is now a full on playroom. As my mom would say when she had small children, "my interior decorator is fisher price". I swore I'd never let that happen but I kind of love it actually. 


After Hartley's morning nap, we went to my parents' house for brunch. My mom outdid herself this year. I swear that woman gives Martha Stewart a run for her money. It was heaven for a pregnant woman. I'm pretty sure my favorites were her egg & sausage casserole, cheesy "funeral" potato casserole, monkey bread and strawberry fields salad.


After eating we went outside to "hunt eggs". Basically we all went to the backyard so Hartley could run around picking up empty eggs. And my envy over my parents' backyard grew exponentially. It's completely perfect for Hartley who just loves to cover as much ground as possible. She could toddle all over that yard all day, which meant Brian and I actually got to kick back. Normally taking her places means chasing after her to make she she avoids scary furniture and uncovered outlets. An acre of grass for the win! She also got to chase the dogs, which is totally hilarious to her and pretty funny to watch. 







My parents also installed a baby swing under their back deck so she totally got a kick out of that. It's so much nicer than the ones at the neighborhood playground so she was probably feeling like the princess of the day. They got her a cabbage patch doll and stroller for Easter so she can "practice" having a baby around. She slammed into into the floor a couple times so I'm sure she's going to be a natural ;)



Honestly, I say it was my favorite holiday because it was Hartley's favorite holiday. Watching her get to have a fun day totally in her element was so nice. And I'll selfishly admit, her getting to be outside and have tons of space to roam really makes my job insanely easy. It was like an Easter gift all around. 






At the end, even Hartley was yawning. And since my dad was laying on the grass (and Hartley is over the moon about him), he made the perfect piece of lawn furniture for her to climb up on for a little rest. 



When we got home, of course the afternoon nap was off the table. The party couldn't stop! So we took her to a soccer field next to our house and let her run free. We thought ahead to being balls for her to kick around, and I swear she dribbled (and not just talking about the dribbling drool) for the first time. Side note: if you have a toddler who likes to cover area and you don't have a yard - soccer fields are amazing. 

By the end of the day, we were all insanely exhausted. Of course yours truly is getting sick (a sore throat and sneezing crept in Easter night). But my last time being sick was my birthday last year so I've had a good run. My sore throat and I were up at 4:30 am, hence the quick turnaround on an Easter blog. 

And today, as the one woman show I am, won't be as much fun for Hartley as it was yesterday but at least we have Easter goodies laying around for some Monday fun! Hope everyone else had a nice Easter, too. Hope your bellies got filled with good eats and candy and you got to enjoy that amazing sunshine! 


Saturday, April 4, 2015

Nesting (well, mentally)

Well, I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and basically I have made zero progress on getting the babes' rooms together. I'm waiting on our window project, and who knows when that's going to happen. We're waiting to get an installation date, and I'm hoping it happens in April. 

Patrick's due date is a little over 4 months away so I have time but it's weird not to even have a room that's empty for him to move into or put his stuff in for that matter. It's making me start to compile a list of what we'll need/want this time. 

We were smart to go gender neutral with all the big things last time. The nursery furniture and even the wall color are totally gender neutral. The pack n play, rock n play, baby swing, car seat, baby carriers, exercise/play mats are all gender neutral. 

But since we'll have two babies who will be in cribs at the same time we need some things. I'm thinking (and hoping) the biggest purchases will be the crib, crib mattress and a double stroller. And we're buying a new dresser for Hartley since Patrick is stealing her dresser (it doubles nicely as a changing table and fits perfectly in the nursery). 

Outside of that, most of the purchases will be less expensive. It's really mainly clothes, a few sleep sacks and some linens. Not that Patrick can't use pink sheets and burp cloths but I'd like him to get a couple of his own fitted sheets and maybe a few blue burp cloths for when we're out places. Unfortunately, because Hartley was a winter baby her micro fleece newborn and small sleep sacks are not going to fly for an August baby. And I'm thinking I'll buy Patrick a "boy" blanket for when we're out for walks so he doesn't have strangers calling him a girl. Oh, and come summer I'll be buying itty bitty diapers again. 

It's really not that much but for some reason it feels like so much stuff. But I guess we are taking on a whole new human life so it's not exactly a nothing thing. 

I had come up with the sweetest theme for his nursery which I immediately scrapped at the sight of this quilt:

Close up details:

I was dream shopping on The Land Of Nod, and this beauty was on sale and completely changed the theme. I feel like little ones love farm animals (Hartley does and I did) so it seemed like a great theme. 

I'm waiting for the quilt to arrive then I'll try to copy the style of the animals on the quilt when I make artwork for the room. 

It sounds ridiculous but buying that quilt was probably one of the first times it really clicked that a baby really is coming. I asked Brian before buying it, "am I buying this too soon?" And he said no, it's time to start getting ready; this baby really is coming this summer.  

I realize this isn't true for all pregnant women but after going through IVF and then achieving a natural pregnancy, I've felt a lot of disbelief and doubt and bonding has not come easily to me at all this pregnancy. I actually remember in the very beginning saying that I was going to lose the baby because it was a fluke; me getting pregnant went against nature in my eyes. For some bizarre reason, "nesting" helps me. I know there are people out there who will twist this and say I just love to buy things or something foolish like that but not everyone has to get it. As terrified as I am to go through another excruciating marathon labor and those horrific first couple of months, having a sweet space for him makes me excited to meet him and take him home from the hospital. So if buying a quilt and crafting helps get me excited, then that's what I'm doing :) 

I'm also worrying about how Hartley will do with her new room. I feel so much guilt over taking her babyhood away too soon. I know she's getting the best gift - a sibling - but sometimes I illogically think I'll damage the hell out of her because I didn't give her enough time as the baby. Ridiculous, right? You have to love pregnancy hormones. 

Give me a couple months then I'll post pictures and talk about how everything went smoothly. If we put it out there, it comes true, right? ;)



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The pause button.

Another day has come and gone. Somehow the days can creep slowly yet the weeks and months are flying by at lighting speed.

This morning I saw Patrick during the anatomy scan. He looked perfect. I'm feeling pretty blessed that every test he's had has come back "perfect". Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the boom. "You mean it's really this easy to get pregnant and there are no strings attached? Everything really is going to be ok?" That plays in my mind, and I can't fully wrap my head around it. I can't fully understand how we're so lucky - even if this is how it happens for almost everyone. 


In his pictures today, he's got the same exact facial features that Hartley had in sonograms and as a newborn. It's nothing short of incredible to me.

And I'm doing wonderfully - no complaints. I'm up 6 pounds, which is on the lower side so I can gain a pound a week from here on out and be on target for a "normal" weight gain. Though I'm certainly not crying if I gain more. 

Hartley is growing up so fast. 



I am so in love with who she is and who she is becoming. I don't feel like she has my personality or Brian's for that matter. She's fearless, explorative and expressive. She seems so focused yet so fun and silly. I'm in awe of her, and sometimes say to Brian, "don't you wish you could just be her?" 


Everyday she keeps me on my toes. I'm loving being home with her and watching what each day brings. 


At the end of each day my body aches from tired and my mind gets to the point it can't think straight anymore. And it's probably the most blissful type of exhaustion that I've ever experienced. 


Every day there's dancing and babbling and walking and running. There's crying and the most fantastic sassy face that you ever did see. There is tickling and singing and laughter. And as much as I want to meet Patrick, I'm clinging to these days. Most days it feels like I'm spending my whole day with my best friend, and we're so in sync. While I know adding to our family is going to make things even more fun, this is simple and sweet. Patrick can take his time getting here. 


Every now and then I get a little overwhelmed by the drastic changes that lay ahead for us.

Then I remind myself to breathe and focus on today. 

That's the one thing that changed for me the most when I became a parent - focus on today. You'll never get it back. Watch your kid run and laugh because life will someday might not be this simple so take it in. Worry about the other crap later. 


I get that this writing is all over the map. It's how I feel lately. I'm struggling to balance excitement for the future and inexplicable need to hit "pause" on my life. 

I want to meet my baby boy but I don't want to end my time with just Hartley. And god knows pregnancy hormones don't help. Pray for my husband ;)