Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Weekends are for getting stuff done!

We just came off a very productive weekend. 

I actually worked on Saturday. I woke up dreading it. I mean, a high of 75 and sunny? Family time? I felt so sad to miss that. But I ended up having a great day art work, and it's always nice to bring home a little bacon. 

Since I was already on a roll of being away from my sweeties, I ventured out to Party City afterwards to get stuff for Hartley's baptism.

Before I knew it it was H's bedtime!

Then we had a lazy Sunday morning followed by me cleaning like a mad woman. Trust me, you don't even want to know. The past month our house has been dust and dirt build up everywhere. I completely let it slip because our weekends were too busy for me to squeeze in cleaning. But now it feels good to be in a nice, relatively clean house. 

Then, after all that productivity, we went out on a date. I love date night. And I love date night a thousand times more now that we have Hartley. Let's face it, romance dies a little when your conversations revolve around poop and spit up. So it's nice to put on something other than sweatpants and be grown ups for a few hours. A huge shout out to my parents who have made all of our date nights possible by baby sitting Hartley. 

That was our weekend, and now we head into a somewhat busy week!

I'll be updating about all our little mini adventures soon :)

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Throwback Thursday

Lately I do this crazy thing when Hartley naps, I look at "old photos" of her. She's not even 3 months yet, and she's so much bigger than when she was first born. "A big chunk of change" as my mom would say. 

I can't say I really miss it. I've gotten to soak up everyday and watch her grow bit by bit. But I love looking at how far she's come as a little human being.

And today, I went even further back. I looked at my bump photos and the video of her gender reveal. Watching Brian proudly hold up the pink slice of cake to display it to everyone while he says, "it's a girl!" still brings tears to my eyes. If only I knew how that little girl was going to melt our hearts so fast. At the time I was just so excited to go out and finally buy a baby outfit for our baby, not someone else's.

And when I go even further back than that and see pictures of us in St.Michaels, snuggling in front of the snuggery, I get chills. I was already pregnant and would find out the very next day. 

And even just a week before that, a picture of her as a 5 day embryo. I will never ever in all my life forget seeing that picture for the first time and being so incredibly hopeful. Praying so hard that was a picture of our baby.

A year has changed so much. A year ago I was just trying to have faith. And today I get to hold my miracle baby everyday. 

Oh throwback Thursday, you really make me treasure all those memories! 






Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Our Decision To Formula Feed

On the night of Hartley's two week birthday, we made a big, unpopular choice. We decided to exclusively formula feed her.

It wasn't a decision we made all that lightly. We had spent money and time working with a lactation consultant... at 3 two hour long sessions. I spent two weeks struggling to get her to latch and actually suck. Each feed took about an hour, though a few times it would take an hour and a half. I had days I literally fed her 50% of my day, and it drained me to the point I constantly felt sick. I'm not saying "whoa is me". I'm sure many women had this experience and powered through.

But on the day of her two week birthday, Hartley wouldn't latch. It was 3 am, and I woke up Brian so he could give her a bottle while I pumped. I sat there feeling like a dairy cow. And Brian said, "you guys have regressed."

I started crying. "Don't say that. We're working so hard."

Then he corrected his statement, "I mean - it's not you, she's bad it."

Imagine a snappy 2 week post partum mom, "don't say that about our baby! She's perfect!"

Then Brian spoke in a way I understood. "I'm just saying why are we doing this? This is the least efficient way to feed her. She's miserable. You're miserable. Why is this so important?"

And I thought for a second, racking my sleep deprived brain for a really good reason to give him. Breast is best? No, that's a stupid slogan, not a legit reason. I looked inside myself, asking myself why this really was important. Sadly, a woman who is never at a loss for words didn't have any profound argument. I told him the complete truth. I had to because everyone breast feeds . It would be embarrassing to tell people I didn't or couldn't breastfeed. 

What kind of mother was I? The reason I needed to breast feed my baby wasn't for her benefit, it was so I would fit in. It's not that I don't think breastfeeding is great but I was a formula feed baby. Which means I happen to think formula isn't a baby ruiner at all. The fact that I wasn't breastfed hasn't negatively impacted my life in the slightest. And I happen to think my mom did a terrific job raising my siblings and I. So I was actually miserable trying to breastfeed so that I could fit in. Like high school all over again really.

Brian suggested exclusively formula feeding after giving me a couple weeks to wean my boobs off producing milk. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much that would positively change our situation. Only one person would need to get up for night feeds because it wouldn't be the feed/pump combo we had been rocking. Better rested parents would be happier parents for more energy with the baby. Not wasting over an hour on feeds meant I could actually enjoy my time with Hartley and soak her in. Ironically, being such a large chested woman I never felt nursing was bonding because I actually couldn't see her face, it was so smothered in boob. So formula feeding was the first time I old actually have her eyes stare in to mine. And one other amazing thing? I'd get to watch our family members feed her. So beautiful. It also made me not feel so irreplaceable. A lot of mothers love to feel so needed but that actually gave me anxiety and made me feel very trapped. 

I would never try to tell a woman not to breastfeed for the above reasons. I think breastfeeding is terrific. But it just so happens those reasons made formula feeding the right choice for our family.

I feel so much better after discontinuing breastfeeding. I think I was on the verge of depression, and formula actually saved me. 

Do I look at pictures of mothers breastfeeding their babies and think its beautiful? Absolutely. It gorgeous to see how nature works. But do I wish I were the one doing it? Nope. It never looked serene in our house. It was a screaming baby dangling off a weepy mama. 

I'm so glad Brian suggested formula feeding. As a woman, breast is best is drilled into us so I could've never considered formula without him suggesting it. 

This will be the only time this decision is addressed on my blog. Not because it's shameful but because I'm not trying to promote or convince people to formula feed. If posting this helps relieve a little stigma, that'd be great but I'm not attempting that. The other reason this will not be talked about any further is because in the grand scheme of parenting issues, this is the least important in my opinion. And even then, most "mommy wars" are problems of the upper middle class that don't hold a candle to the other issues in this world! 

So breast feed or formula feed - as long as you're feeding and loving that baby, you're doing awesome in my book :)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It really does get easier

So Hartley and I had our usual morning. Starts off with her waking around 7:30. Like clockwork she take a massive poop to start the day. And afterwards she doles out smiles while laying on her changing table, almost like she's proud of herself. You know I'm her mom because as weird as that is I find it adorable.

We head downstairs. I put on my coffee and have breakfast while she plays solo on her mat. Then I feed her and we snuggle. What we do after that is different based on her mood and the weather and how much housework I have to do ;) 

Today it was a nice stroll before the rain came. We bumped in to a neighbor who had her baby girl the exact same day I had Hartley. We exchanged phone numbers to hopefully organize some nice weather walks and play dates. 

After we got home, we both ate lunch and then played. Now she's snoozing in her swing, and I just finished browsing on pinterest. 

Then I looked over at her and just thought, life is good.

What experienced moms tell you when you have a teeny newborn is, "don't worry, it gets easier/better". And you know what? They're right. It really does.

Life is rough for a couple months. Your body is healing. You, your husband and your baby are all adjusting. You are deciphering cryptic crying. And you are surviving. Each day under your belt is a triumph.

Then something happens, and it clicks. And you stop surviving and start living.

Your life is different, that's for sure. But you find a groove.

I've learned to keep things low key. Our first outing was to a winery, and I quickly learned this summer will be a summer we utilize our patio and our trails instead. Lugging a baby for mini day trips is more trouble than it's worth at this point. I've learned running errands is better done while one of us stays home with the baby instead of me carting her to Target all the time. And doing things spontaneously is no longer on the menu.

Those are teeny adjustments in the grand scheme of things. 

I'm currently learning that kicking back, being low key and relaxing with Hartley is totally acceptable. And so most days, that's what we do. Relax. Go for walks. Play. Snuggle when she lets me :)

Don't get me wrong, she has her moods. And she has funky days. But they are becoming less and less, and are usually cured with naps.

I'd hate to tell the mother of a newborn "it gets easier" when I know all she wants is sleep and a break. But we have gotten to the light at the end of the surviving tunnel, and it's glorious. 

Life is good. And it just keeps getting easier and better :)



Monday, April 21, 2014

Hartley's First Easter


In the past couple years I've gotten a little bored with holidays. I definitely get in the spirit but the excitement had been lost a little. When you're a kid, they are always magical. Then when you're in high school, it's time off school. When you're in college, it means everyone comes home and fun times are had. Then, I got married. And Brian and I finally spent holidays together (we didn't while we were dating and engaged). And that was so sweet. But then after a few years, it just seemed like holidays kind of lost it. Just a group of adults eating too much and gifting gifts. Not hating on that but it just stopped having that special something.

Let me say, even though Easter isn't a huge holiday, I loved having a holiday with Hartley. I am so jazzed that they'll just keep getting more exciting as she better understands them... and as she someday has cousins to play with :)

Showing her her basket was so fun - even if she just studied it for a couple minutes totally not getting it. And baby girl rocks an Easter dress like nobody's business. 

She really just slept most of the time. But it was nice for me to get a holiday where I could partake in the drinks. Mimosas... Yummm. And my mom's spread was amazing. It was a nice small group: my parents, Andrew, Caroline, my mom's friend Mary Ellen and us. The usual conversation: the Centreville heroin ring, River Creek swingers, and spelling happiness... without penis. It was nice to kick back and enjoy some food, drinks and family on a beautiful Sunday. 

And c'mon, look at my Easter bunny. Isn't that one cute babe? :)











Sunday, April 20, 2014

The cranesicles - a random rambling

I used to call our embryos our little cranesicles. Little frozen baby cranes. They were these abstract things to me. Just groups of cells that sat in a freezer that I could assign a cutesy name to.

After having Hartley, things changed drastically for me. They weren't abstract things anymore. They became Hartley's brothers and sisters, our sons and daughters. The more I get to know her and see her personality develop, the more I wonder about her siblings. And it breaks my heart that I won't meet all of them. And I feel guilty. 

Someday, whatever we don't use, will be donated to another couple. And our biology will become someone else's miracle child. And for the rest of my life, I'll have this curiosity if someday, somehow I'll ever cross paths with one of them. 

I was talking to my mom yesterday about going back to the clinic and doing another frozen embryo transfer (not now but later). I asked if she'd be willing to baby sit Hartley during some of my appointments. She was surprised. She told me she thought after Hartley I wouldn't have any more kids. She said I was pretty convincing when I told her, "one and done!" 

I tried explaining my feelings to her, and I realized, no one will ever get this. It's too bizarre to explain to people. I must sound fucking crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

Then, and this just shows you how scary it is that my husband and I think exactly alike all the time, Brian brought it up to me. We were out for a family stroll last night when he started talking to me about it. 

He started off randomly: "I know you said the whole 'in two weeks' thing (referring to us quasi trying to get pregnant again) and I know it would be a blessing but -"

Then I was waiting. Oh god, he's going to say he thinks I'm nuts. He's going to say Hartley is already a handful, and he doesn't want other kids. He's going to think I was weird for even talking about other babies. 

Then he continued "but, don't you feel kind of guilty? I know it'd be amazing to get pregnant naturally and it'd be a miracle and wonderful. But don't you feel like Hartley's siblings are just sitting there waiting for us?"

I wanted to cry happy tears. I forget that I'm not the only one in our boat. I forget that Brian is in this, too. And it was so bizarre to have someone randomly say the words I had said earlier that day. It's a little crazy - the situation we're in. But I forget WE are in it. 

When a normal person reads this they will likely be confused by the feelings I'm describing. But it's so amazing to have the person I'm the closest to know the exact feeling. 


Monday, April 14, 2014

Updates

Completely forgive the fact that this entry will mostly be unorganized ramblings but lately there is something new and exciting happening almost daily, and I'm not the best about writing about each little nugget!

Where to start...

Spring Strolls

Now that spring is finally in full gear, our little family is all about spring trail walks. We talked about future family trail walks the day we moved in - how much we were looking forward to them. Well, can I just say they exceed expectations. Nothing like fresh air, a cool breeze and together time. And yesterday we ventured to Sweet Frog on our walk, and that wasn't half bad either ;)



Cloth Diapers

At Hartley's two month appointment they said her diaper region looked a world better. Thank goodness. Took several weeks, lots of naked time, baking soda baths and triple paste but we got there! I had given up on cloth diapering, since the manufacturers say diaper paste breaks down cloth diaper absorbency. I almost had Brian list them online to sell. But now that her rash cleared, I took the plunge. I love them. They are awesome. The only kind of hard part is poopy diapers. But I'm managing. Using a pitcher of water and rinsing the poo into the toilet. We still have a ton of disposables so we're using them at night to make changes easy in case of crazy number twos at 3 am. I also plan on using disposables when we're out or if someone babysits. I'm not squeamish about poop but asking someone else to rinse my kids poop into the toilet sounds like a bit much. Oh, and with her sensitive skin, we'll keep disposables on hand in case of rashes. 


Homemade wipes

This is something I'm spotty on doing but I love my homemade wipes. When I've had a rough few days and don't get to making a batch I'm happy to use the store bought ones. But now with cloth diapers I'm using a spray bottle with water, wetting a washcloth and wiping. Saving the homemade wipes for poop. 

The Easter Basket

I bought just a few things for Hartley's basket. I was going to add more but my mom came over with bags full of Hartley goodies. I've decided to toss some of those goodies in her basket and voila, done. 

Toys

Like I said, my mom went nuts buying us adorable stuff at Target. Love that lady. She got her a purple seahorse stuffed animal that's tummy lights up and plays music. Hartley loves it. During changes I make it swim in font of her, and she's intrigued. I'm also teaching her to give kisses, so the seahorse gives her kisses. My mom also got her bath toys. I was holding off to give them to her at Easter but she loves baths so much I have her a few early. Brian narrates stories about her toys during bath time, and her friends squirt her. It's the cutest thing you've ever seen. Brian also bought Hartley a bumbo seat at Walmart before work today. I'm so excited to watch her try it tonight. 

Sitting and Standing

Obviously she's not doing either on her own yet but she loves to practice. She hates being held on her back now unless she's tired enough to sleep. It's all about being held standing. She loves pushing off with her legs. I've also started to let her sit propped up. But the bumbo will be safer! She is just itching to be a big girl. So crazy. I think we're going to have an active explorer on our hands in the near future. 

Hands

So the pacifier is a huge fucking flop. Excuse my language but I'm disappointed. I thought she was "getting it" but it didn't last at all. But she's started eating her hands. And I'm happy. I know people say, "but you can't take a thumb away". Um, why would I want to take it away? Anything that soothes my child is good with me. If my kid is like 20 and sucking on their hands, I'll freak out. But for the next few years, I say, "go ahead and eat those hands if it soothes you, baby." 



The Girl Cave

Ok, so a lot of people probably find that a confusing name for a room. It's really a super room - combining a playroom, storage and a mini office. A teeny room that wears many hats! I'm making progress. I painted. The bookcase is the big part, and it's assembled and fixed to the wall. It's slowly getting filled up with mine and Hartley's things. This was the smartest idea I've had in a long time. Any family with a kid and a spare room should consider this option :) 


Big Girl

Yesterday Hartley started wearing a few 3-6 month pieces. The pants are still a little big but it looks like 0-3 month things will be on the way out shortly. This is a much tougher transition than getting out of newborn for some reason. I'm excited to see her wear her new size but I'm so sad that her beautiful 0-3 month wardrobe isn't going to be usable soon. I think her newborn handy me downs were less of an attachment because they weren't gifted to Hartley. But these outfits were bought for her by friends and family. I truly think of the person who bought the outfit when she wears it. 


Well, there you have it. All our random tidbits! Ah, feels good to get em on the blog! 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Paying rent.

This morning I was feeding Hartley when I got a phone call. The number looked so familiar but I didn't fully recognize it. When I answered and the woman said she was from the fertility clinic, the phone number clicked. I used to see that phone number on my caller id on an almost daily basis. Fertility treatment seems like forever ago but a year ago this time I knew that phone number by heart. 

She was returning my call about the storage of our embryos. Lately I have this bizarre anxiety. I think about the embryos, and I start to think, "what if the clinic throws them away?!"

Like everything in this world, you know no one will provide a service without sending a bill. Now that the embryos' year of free storage is almost up, I'd been looking for a bill for the next year of rent. I hadn't gotten anything and was oddly panicking. So I had to call. 

The lady was sweet. She almost acted like she'd gotten my question a million times. 

"We would never ever dispose of them without talking to you. We're just a little behind in billing, that's all." 

A few weeks ago I didn't have this anxiety. The doctor gave me hope that pregnancy would "fix" me. She predicted my period to come last weekend, and it was going to confirm the pain I had was ovulation pain. Even though my intial guess was ruptured cyst. Looks like I was right. And it feels like my body is going back to it's old self. I'm waking up to that. Brian and my mom both told me not to start thinking my fertility had magically been restored but being the person I am, I kind of fell in love with the idea that it had. I have a kid. That means I'm good at making them, right? Not quite. On the best study I found, conducted over 10 years, 17% of women achieve spontaneous pregnancy after IVF for their first child. The majority of successful women have unexplained infertility. 

I'm not sad like I was before Hartley. I have her. I am insanely blessed and lucky. 

But I want to make sure I have her brothers and sisters safe for the future. Because after knowing Hartley, I think about them being our little sons and daughters. I think Brian has the desire to meet them, too. Let me tell you that unless you've been in our shoes, you can never understand the feeling. And right now, I'd be devastated to lose them. Someday we'll be closing that door, donating whatever doesn't get used. But today isn't that day. And hey, maybe if we win the lottery, we'll meet them all. Don't discount the lottery winning. 

Ironic that yesterday was National Siblings Day. I love my siblings so much. If Hartley never gets to know that kind of love, that's okay. But for now, the possibilities exist. They are just chillin. Literally. 


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Two months.


Dear Hartley,

Today you are two months. You seem so much bigger than a month ago! You're no longer looking like a newborn; you look like a real baby! Aunt Laura complimented your sweet baby leg rolls. We can't get enough of you Michelin man legs :)

You are a mover and shaker. Your dad and I always say we've never seen such a young baby be so active. You pull on things. You do leg presses. You instinctively try to crawl when you're placed on your belly. You somehow rotate yourself while you're laying on your back. 

You've been hitting your milestones: following objects with your eyes and lifting your head. You are a bit of a bobble head and always give accidental head butts. You are cooing. I could swear you're really trying to get words out. 

You just started giving out smiles but you give them out sparingly. You've given them out to nana, grandpa, dad and I. You give them mostly to me in the mornings when you're having naked time in between diaper changes. But you usually sport more serious looks. You tend to furrow your brow and do lots of mean mugging. You also like to sport a pensive look. No matter the expression you always look focused, like you're taking in every detail around you. 

You've started to actually enjoy baths. You splash now! Nana bought you bath toys, and dad narrates stories about them during tub time. You also love to look at lights. Chandeliers and skylights are your favorite. You still love to eat. It's probably you're favorite thing to do. You love your kick n play piano and your baby swing. You love walks and car rides. 

You sleep amazingly at night. You sleep in your crib. We started that when you were 6 weeks old, and you did amazingly from day one of it. You've always seemed to know night from day, and sleeping at night is your strong suit.

You don't hate much in particular. But you get in fussy moods like no other. Nana says you get it from me. Apparently I was a "fusspot", too. The doctor noticed how sensitive you were to little changes. And I admitted you are the finicky type. Evening is your "witching hour". And when you're angry, you are hellbent on staying angry. 

Dad calls you "Hartley Glenn" a lot. It's adorable. I call you "Hartley Bear". We never really call you Hart like I thought we instinctively would.

Your eyes are still blue. Sometimes I think they'll change but right now they are a beautiful blue grey. Your hair is getting longer, and I'm hoping it doesn't fall out! Aunt Laura said you look like you'll be a ginger. But I'm thinking you're just going to get the red undertones that your uncle Andrew and I both have. You seem to be taking after us looks wise but every now and then, posed jut right, I see a little of your dad in you.

You have dad under your spell. And you are definitely your mama's daughter. We love you so much, Hartley Glenn/Hartley Bear! We couldn't imagine our lives without you. 

Happy 2 months, love! 

Love,

Your mama

Monday, April 7, 2014

A nice weekend and a week of catch up

Last Thursday I bought paint for the girl cave. I was going to tape Friday night, paint Saturday during the day, take Hartley to visit my sister Saturday evening, go to a friend's bridal shower Sunday, and get together with my family afterward. And we'd be passing Hartley back and forth all weekend. 

Brian told me it was too much. I didn't listen.

My mom told me it was too much. A woman with an 8 week old baby painting a room while juggling errands and social plans - all in a 48 hour period - was pretty nutty. I listened.

So we had a nice weekend. And I'll play catch up this week. I've decided no visitors this week and weekend so I can get some things in order, and then we can focus on all the spring fun. 

But the nice weekend...

Friday my mom came over, we ordered pizza and hung out. Hartley slept the first hour she was here so I could finally catch up with my mom without being interrupted. Thank you, Friday nap luck! 

Saturday we worked on getting rid of stuff. We went through the guest room boxing up donations and tossing out trash. Brian also put aside some stuff to donate that had been stored in the attic and in the storage room. I boxed up maternity clothes and Hartley's newborn clothes, and they got tossed in the attic. And now the girl cave is almost a blank canvas! And our house will soon feel a little lighter once we get these boxes off our hands. 

I went grocery shopping. I went shopping to buy a gift for Caroline's birthday. Mom brain means gift cards for all these days!

I took Hartley out to Ashburn to have dinner with my parents and sister. She was in a total funk so we only stayed a couple hours. It was probably for the best as my mom and sister did a ton of work to get ready for the shower the next day.

Then Sunday I snuggled Hartley for a couple hours in the morning knowing I'd be gone for a big chunk in the middle of the day. Then I left for the shower.

It was a blast! I'm normally not a bridal shower person. But this shower was wonderful! The food was delicious, the wine was great, and I loved the company. I hadn't seen Caroline, Danielle or my sister in a while so it was really nice. My mom and sister did an amazing job. It got me thinking about Hartley's baptism, and how I wish they were the party planners. I might try to copy the shower set up as closely as I can. How my sister found all these adorable, perfectly coordinated lavender things I'll never know. 

Well, time to toss in pictures. Send some productive vibes my way this week. Even though I'd rather just snuggle my (almost two month old!!) baby and watch movies in bed. Cloudy, rainy day motivation level over here! 





Friday, April 4, 2014

Stay at home mom

My old boss contacted me a couple days ago about coming in and working a Saturday shift. I jumped at the chance. To me it means a handful of hours rejoining the working world and a few extra bucks in my pocket. And it really got me to thinking - should I be trying to go back to work? I'm not sure work is where I want to be but there certainly are days it sounds appealing. 

At the end of my pregnancy, some hurtful things were said about me (albeit jokingly) regarding my financial contribution, or lack thereof, to my family. I comforted myself with "sticks and stones" and making pee in your pants jokes about the irony of it all. But sometimes I think how nice it'd be to make money so the money I have is "my money". Because I go out and earn it at a "real job".

So I chatted with Brian last night about what he thought. I started by asking if he was nervous to have a full day with Hartley while I was at work but then decided to ask what he thought if I actually really went back. I was happy he finally boldly stated a preference. He told me he wanted me to stay at home with Hartley. 

Then he elaborated. And I was insanely impressed with what I heard. 

He told me he knew how my new job is a lot harder than my old job. He told me taking care of Hartley, him and our home is an extraordinary amount of work and a priceless contribution to our family. He told me how lucky Hartley is to be receiving the best care around and to be raised by such an incredible woman. And he told me how much he needs me - how I keep our little family going and how I make sure everyone is happy and taken care of. He said I'm the cog that keeps our wheel of a family turning.

I was so impressed that all the little things I do don't go unnoticed. To hear from a man that my work is real work, despite it not bringing in actual dollars and cents. 

I know he's right. I know I'm a phenomenal wife and a pretty damn good mom. And I'm constantly trying to be better at both. But it never hurts to hear it.

My mom once told me how hard is it to be a stay at home mom but how it's also beyond rewarding. The hard parts? You lose a bit of your own identity and let's face it, the job security is jack shit. But you get to watch your children grow in to people. And let me tell you, my mom raised 3 healthy, happy people and created one hell of a fun, tight knit family. She knows her shit.

To the men out there, remember how a little praise here and there goes a long way. All the little things your wife does for you and/or your children deserve a nice thank you from time to time.

And to the women out there, let's take time to appreciate each other and give thanks and praise. Lord knows, we take care of the people in our lives out of instinct but it doesn't make it any less notable. That certainly goes for working moms too! Double high fives for being able to do so much!

And for your Friday viewing pleasure. A picture of my boss. Sleeping on the job. I'll take it. 


Editor's note: directly after writing this entry I noticed Hartley was having too solid of poops with extreme difficulty passing them. There was lots of crying. Then a little apple juice drinking. Then no pants time while I did bicycle kicks with her legs and watched her butt like it was a play dough fun factory (children of the 90's know). Then I inspected the stools - their firmness and to see if there was blood. What big deal thing did YOU do at work today? 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Rinse, Lather, Repeat

Yesterday I got caught up in my daily existence. As much as I love my life and am grateful for everything in it, I hit a wall.

The day started off great. I felt like I hadn't seen Hartley as much over the weekend since my parents baby sat twice, and I left her with Brian while I ran some errands. So I decided to go in to her room, while she was asleep and pick her up out of her crib. I took her back to my room, crawled in to bed and plopped her on my chest to sleep. When she eventually woke up, we went downstairs for breakfast. Her with her formula. Me, trying to be good, with my egg beaters. But once I realized I was still hungry, I gobbled up a couple Reese's eggs. 

After breakfast, I changed her diaper and her clothes and made sure her diaper bag was packed. I loaded a couple bags of hand me downs a friend had lent us in the car along with a pair of too snug yoga pants to return to Target. We drove out to Sterling, dropped off the clothes then hit up Target to return the yoga pants. She was so perfect during our errands. We got home and I took her or a nice stroll. By the time we got home it was time for a change and a feed, and then the stars aligned and she napped.

While she napped, I ate lunch: a sandwich, chips, and more Reese's. I wrote a quick blog. Then I got busy. I folded her laundry and washed her bottles and pacifiers and tidied a little. I caught up on some thank you notes and put a few other things in the mail. I started working on dinner. Then when she woke and it was time for our usual diaper change and feed. Then there was story time and play mat time. And a couple meltdowns. And before I knew it, Brian was walking up the front walkway coming home from his day at work. I finished making dinner - a recipe he loves, my mom's enchiladas. 

He ate. Then I took my turn eating. I hadn't showered in over 48 hours so I was going upstairs to take a bath, and Brian asked me just how much Easter candy I had eaten. To be honest, I killed 6 Reese's eggs in the course of 2 days. So yes, 3 eggs per day, plus some smaller chocolates here and there. Being that I've had to watch my weight for over a decade, I am well aware just how bad that was. And then he said something to me about it, I don't remember exactly what. Something about how was surprised I ate that much, and it was time to be healthy for Hartley. And I started to cry.

I thought I was winning yesterday. I thought I had finally managed to do more with my day than just keep Hartley alive, fed and clean. But all of a sudden I felt like a fat pig failure. I didn't do a work out DVD like I had planned. Hell, I was just proud of myself for pushing the stroller around the neighborhood. And I didn't know what to do other than cry at that point.

Honestly, I wanted to eat more Reese's right then. 

My life is beautiful and wonderful. I love my sweet girl more than words can say. But something about the rinse, lather, repeat (and lack of that being literal) of my life gets me sometimes. I wipe the world's cutest butt to get the Dijon mustard looking poop off it (sidebar: I just learned about projectile poop the other day - its real and disgusting). I know I'm just going to be doing that same thing again in a couple hours: searching through adorable baby rolls to find poop stored away as if to add an extra surprise. So I eat chocolate, and it doesn't seem as gross somehow. Thank god her poop isn't remotely chocolate colored!

I'm going to attempt to get rid of my chocolate crutch. I'll join the rat race of suburban moms vying to be MILFs. But I hope I eventually find the proper motivation. Doing it because I want to do it. Because right now, I want to wear clothes with stretch, snuggle Hartley, and eat Easter candy. Here's hoping I wake up one day and want it for myself. And hopefully that day is soon. 


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The girl cave (before)

So I had a little panic attack a bit ago. Of the "oh my god, we are already running out of space and she's not even 2 months old yet... let's get rid of everything we own and live like the ultimate minimalists" variety. 

I love our townhouse. It is nothing huge or fancy but it is perfect for us. The location is stellar, and the neighborhood is wonderful. And I want to stretch as much time as humanly possible out of this house. People always say come having another kid we'd need something bigger. Well, with just Hartley we could be here forever. Throw another kid in the mix and my goal would be getting Hartley close to double digits in this house. That's right, trying to squeeze 10 years and 2 kids out of this deal. And if we could last longer, props to us. But if you were to see our house right now, you'd be thinking, this house is bursting at the seams with stuff, they'll never make their goal of making it last forever.

Well, I will say there are two solutions to this problem, and we will institute both:
1. Find a way to make more space
2. Get rid of stuff

So now you're sitting there wondering how we plan on making more space. Well this was something I was stumped with at first. Then browsing Pinterest, something caught my eye. It was a home office make over but to me it looked like a fancy pants storage room that with a small desk could be called an office. And an idea was born. Let's get rid of the guest room. We never have overnight guests, so we really have no need for a guest room. And it will be the girl cave. I call it the girl cave because my husband gets 600 square feet of man cave. But what it really is is storage for Hartley's toys and books and my crafting supplies and odds and ends. 

By the way, sidebar to that, the man cave will not exist if we have multiple children. Brian is the only man I know who has one. I really don't mind that our basement is all his. But the day our family needs that space for something else, the cave is gone just like the guest room. 

Back to the girl cave. It's a very small room: 9 feet by 9 feet. But it's just enough to do basically a wall of storage and throw a small desk against the other wall. I have a vision. I have a color palette. But I'm keeping quiet so I can get a nice before and after surprise on here. 

So here is the before for your viewing pleasure. Adios, guest room! It's been nice... Not using you?


Oh and by the way, that pink tray? That's my current desk - where I address Christmas cards and birth announcements and do my artwork and crafting. It's a plastic child craft table from Michaels. Yeah, mama's getting an upgrade.