34 weeks, 4 days.

Next blog I promise I'll include fun stuff like pictures. Since Brian is home, I feel bad spending a lot of time blogging because I don't want to waste our last bit of "just the two of us" time.

I had a sonogram today, and baby girl seems to be doing quite well. She was practicing using her lungs and doing a sucking motion with her lips. She was waving her hands in front of her sweet face. Though she was being active, I couldn't feel it. I don't feel her all that much lately but it's comforting to know that it's just me and not the baby.

She is measuring at 5 pounds, 11 ounces. I have known babies born at that size so it's pretty surreal to think she's that big. I think it sounds more in line with an average size baby (babies on average are 5.25 lbs at 35 weeks), and my guess is she'll end up being 8 pounds flat. That would be my preference too!

Hartley is head down. My cervix is nice, long and closed (the tech's words). So looks like girlfriend is snuggled in for a long winter's nap.

We need to call tomorrow to discuss the induction in more detail. I think we have a plan picked out but we want the doctor's reassurance that it is the right choice for us. Since I have no pregnancy complications currently, we want to ask the doctor what she thinks about me actually stretching the induction just a little further out than they normally do. God, I hope it's the right choice. There are so many conflicting opinions out there that I have found this extremely confusing. But I know the doctor will be honest with us, and her opinion is very important to me.

I will say this, as a first time mom, and being the IVF trailblazer among my family and friends, it's tough. It's very difficult not having a person to compare notes with. A lot of "normal" women don't really understand. And a lot of doctors do treat IVF patients differently, and it's confusing. I always thought I'd go to my mom with pregnancy questions. And while she expresses a desire to share her stories with me, she always advises me to ask the doctor because she knows my pregnancy
is different.

Well, I'll update on that whole big thing soon.

As we approach 2014 (how did that happen?), I'm brainstorming my New Years resolution. There are a lot of changes and new things we'll be doing but those aren't really resolutions. They are more like my mom/wife goals. My New Years resolution that is for me is to lose weight. By December 31st 2014, I want to be 30 pounds below my pre pregnancy weight. So, yeah, I'll probably be working on losing 50 pounds between the end of February through the end of the year. That's daunting but I'm going to take it little by little, and do it a safe, healthy way. I want to be a healthy mom, an attractive wife, but I actually really want to do this for myself. For years my goal has been to make a baby, and it usually wasn't about me. But I want this for me - to buy cute clothes and look in the mirror and feel like a beautiful woman. Last year I looked in the mirror and saw a broken woman, and I'd prefer never to see that again in my lifetime.

This year has been a truly spectacular one. It has been humbling, aching and overwhelmingly joyful. I have learned lessons this year that have trumped all of the previous years combined. I have never felt stronger, and I'm ready to use that strength in new ways. That strength is going to help me as I learn the ropes of motherhood and as I journey to become a more physically healthy version of myself.

Clearly this entry has gone from baby updates to my new aspirations in a completely non sensical way! But my pregnancy brain and my holiday carb coma just are making things that way these days. If I'm not on here tomorrow, a happy, healthy 2014 to you and yours! May your dreams come true and resolutions be achieved!

34 weeks.

Picture before we left for the baby shower on 12/21. 33 weeks, 2 days there!

How far along? 34 weeks

Total weight gain: 14 pounds

Maternity clothes: yep!

Stretch marks? Yep!

Best moment of the week? A lot of good ones this week. The obvious answer being the baby shower. But the most moving was my grandmother giving me a quilt she made for Hartley. It is truly a priceless gift, and I will love it forever. 

Miss anything? Wine. Bending over with ease. Shaving with ease. Sleeping. 

Movement: yes. She's still not a painful kicker nor does she move the way other women describe but she has hiccups and healthy kicks. 

Food cravings: unfortunately, restaurant food or fast food. My mom's Christmas cookies. Nothing healthy really. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not exactly - getting full easily and having the kind of reflux that feels like battery acid in my throat. 

Have you started to show? Um, I'm had someone ask me if I'm due tomorrow so yes. 

Gender: girl. Now complete with a very girlie room and frilly clothes.

Belly button in or out? In but Brian says it looks like it's going to pop out soon.

Wedding rings on or off? Squeezed them on for the shower. They are now retired for a while.

Happy or Moody? More like happy, emotional and confused.

Looking forward to: meeting our angel. Good lord it has been quite the ride, over 3 years since we started our journey to Hartley, and meeting her is going to be amazing.

A lot has happened since I blogged last so I will likely revisit the shower and gifts to share some details on that later. Her room is insanely ready so I will eventually update on that. We celebrated our last Christmas as just a couple with a puppy. 8 Christmases we've seen together, and I'm not entirely sure any of those will hold a candle to next year's. 

Life has been crazy. Things have been emotional. And I can't quite believe we're here.

Brian's work was insane leading up to Christmas. It made for a grouchy, stressed husband. And in turn an unhappy pregnant wife. We jumped in to the shower. Holy overwhelming. You've never seen a haul like this. At 2.5 hours it was the shortest shower I've seen, and at 30 guests, the biggest. So you can imagine what that present opening was like - tied back my hair and sweated like a pig but we got a lot of amazing gifts. It was a wonderful shower but a total blur. 

It took 3 cars to transport the gifts, and an awesome crew of volunteers to get them in to the house. They took up the dining room... And living room. And even working at lightening speed, took about two full days to unpack, not all, but most of it. I won't even tell you how many loads of laundry. 

Then we immediately started holiday celebrations. We were ping pong balls like we are every year - just bouncing from place to place. 

The tough part was that Christmas ended on a very, very tough note. We were supposed to go to my aunts house to see my grandma Frank but she needed to go back to her nursing home because the day was entirely too much for her. We visited her in her home, and I fought back tears the whole time. She has Alzheimer's and was reliving her parents dying. She kept asking us why no one told her - that she just found out. Asking had they died together and who lived in their house. Both of her parents have been dead since before I was even born. Her father has been gone for 38 years and her mom died several years after. My mom told us that next time we'll just pretend her parents never died so she doesn't have to relive that pain.

By the time we left we were all in tears. It's a tough thing to watch. And even harder to watch my mom watch her mom as her mind floats away. And it's tough to see her life in it's last chapters. There is a little solace in the fact that Hartley will soon start hers. A little piece of me wishes Hartley could've entered our lives just a little sooner so she could've really met her great grandmother the way I will always remember her. 

I might cry as I write this but all in all, it's been a good week. Just an emotional roller coaster that hormones don't exactly help.

But I digress, the next few days, we'll work on getting ready. And I'll post more details rom the past chunk of life soon.

33 weeks, 2 days

Today is Baby Shower Day! I'm very, very excited for it. Brian says I'm more excited this go around. The truth is - I am. Last time the thought of no one coming or asking people to drive through nasty, dangerous weather was pretty depressing. Today is supposed to be gorgeous weather. And the people coming from further distances (Maryland! Haymarket!) can make it. Everyone invited to this shower is important to us but it means a very, very great deal to me that my grandmother, aunts, and a few women who've known me literally my entire life will be there. And last time I couldn't ask them to brave the beltway in dangerous conditions. Side bar: it is pretty amazing, while only one of my grandmas can attend, that Hartley will get to meet both her great grandmothers on my side. 

This day has been a very long time coming. Not only the 33 weeks of pregnancy I have under my belt, but all the time we spent working on this baby. I used to go to showers as an infertile, get a little sad and come home and cry to Brian, how come I couldn't have one. And here we are, I'm 7.5 months pregnant with our daughter, and I am having a baby shower. 

I'm also oddly nervous. Something a lot of my friends don't know about me is I am actually an introvert. I get a little nervous in big groups of people and get really nervous when something centers around me. At bridal showers, I had a little liquid courage to take the edge off but not today! I'm pretty sure at one point I'll get teary too - pregnancy and any sweet gestures from people usually equals me being a pile of mush. 

I didn't do my 33 week update. I will try to before the week is up :)

Yesterday I was too busy getting pampered. I (best esthetician I know) gave myself a nice long, detailed facial, got a massage, and got my nails done. I purposely saved a red door gift card for this uncomfortable point in pregnancy, and let me tell you, prenatal massages are the best. Better than chocolate, better than sex - the best thing ever.

Brian ran out to the grocery store to buy me some creamer, and he'll make us breakfast. I love being princess, even if only for a day or two! And I have to savor this because soon I'll have to return to sore, uncomfortable, exhausted Pregnant Town, USA! 

We survived a lot of baby learning!

Yesterday completed our baby learning for now. Yes, in the span of 6 days, we had 5 classes/meetings pertaining to our baby. And I'm not even including my hour long doctor appointment yesterday. 5 classes = 13, yes, THIRTEEN hours worth of information. 

We are both thoroughly burnt out, and neither of us wants to talk about Apgars, jaundice or latching again until baby is actually here.

The pediatrician yesterday seemed fine. She talked fast and I was exhausted so it wasn't like I was sitting there just falling in love with their practice. But they got good reviews, are close by, and offer all the standard things we were told to look for. 

Even though I can't take a physical break from baby, I'm taking a mental hiatus until the baby shower on Saturday. And I honestly don't feel like I even need to pick up a baby book anymore. But maybe I'll do some cramming in late January. 

I finally slept. I slept without Benadryl for 8 hours. I woke up with a headache and sore and achy but at least I know my body got what it really needed for once. Last night I actually used my pregnancy pillow for the first couple hours of sleep. I used lavender oil. So maybe I'll be making those a routine. I might even indulge in some sleepy time tea tonight too. My body just seems to need extra rest (carrying around 5 lbs of human, maybe?) and I've heard a million times I should "sleep before the baby comes". 

I didn't even mention that Hartley looked great yesterday. She looked perfect. Active. Practiced using her lungs. Perfect heartbeat. Had hiccups during the appointment. She remains head down. And the tech said she will likely stay that way as she is running out of room to move. I guess that's a perk of being "short bodied" with a decent sized baby? She can't do cartwheels even if she wanted to! No space. 

I'm looking forward to the baby shower. No chance of snow in sight. I wish I were a happier, more pleasant pregnant woman but I'm sure I'll perk up before the party. And it's very nice that people are taking time out of their last minute holiday hustle and bustle to celebrate our little one. 

Plus, I'm going to make a massage appointment for Friday, and that should make me a new woman. I'm debating even getting my nails done for the shower - something I almost never treat myself to. But truth be told, I'm not entirely sure I can paint my own toenails anymore. Apparently at 7.5 months pregnant touching your toes isn't easy. 

Hopefully I'll be back on tomorrow with my 33 week stats but forgive me if I take a full on break from baby tomorrow! 

Kidney stones - and about 7 more weeks of this!

Yesterday was kind of a crazy day. After I wrote yesterday's blog, I actually got a little housework done. I cooked dinner knowing that Brian could just reheat his and eat it after Baby Basics class. 

Well, a few times during the day I had a sharp, stabbing pain in my right side. I convinced myself it was just a weird pregnancy thing. But when I was cooking dinner it was pretty painful. And it didn't just last a few minutes. I'd stop moving for a second and do some of the breathing techniques we learned in class. It's actually pretty interesting (and I actually learned this as a laser tech) that people have the tendency to forget to breathe when they are in pain. The breathing actually helped a little.

But then the pain became even more constant. When we were in class, I was having a little trouble focusing. I mentally debated asking Brian if we could leave. But we paid 24 bucks for this, and I needed to learn this stuff. Though, I also thought about telling the nurse who was teaching because it was really unpleasant.

Well, the worst came when we were winding down before bed. It hurt like hell. I couldn't lay on my right side. It was hard to breathe. I told Brian something had to be wrong. And of course everything online said pregnant women with sharp pain in their side should immediately seek medical help. I was looking for some affirmation. I needed to know that I wasn't nuts if I called my doctor. Brian told me it was probably just the baby sitting on a nerve. I told him that I just didn't think that was it; it really hurt. He told me to take Benadryl and sleep through the pain. I already had a doctors appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning so I should tough out the next 10 hours.

I took the Benadryl. And I must've just drifted off to dreamland quickly.

It didn't last long though. 45 minutes after popping the pills I woke up choking and gasping for air. I knew I was choking on my own vomit. I could taste it. Instinctively I gasped for air and kept trying to swallow as I ran to the bathroom. Brian asked if I was ok, and I shook my head. No, I'm not ok. He started to fall back asleep, and I didn't make it to the toilet before throwing up this clear sticky stuff in my hands. I told Brian, "something is really wrong. I think I need to go to urgent care." Imagine taking two Benadryl, being in a fog and being terrified. You feel this stabbing, you're worried about yourself and your baby. You're so afraid to fall back asleep out of fear of choking again.

He slept like a log. I took my temperature. Normal. I inspected my tummy to see if there was any redness, hardness or anything I could visibly see. I asked Brian to look so he woke up for a minute, felt my stomach and said it felt fine. 

I got back in bed. 3 pillows under me so I wouldn't choke. And I whispered to Brian that I loved him. There was a panicked part of me that was afraid of not waking up. 

Well, I lived to tell about it. But when I got to the doctor I told them, "I have to tell you about my crazy night." I told them everything. They inspected my kidneys during the ultrasound, and apparently they found something on the right one (some long medical jargon). They found my ureter was stretched out and open - the opposite of the closed ureters pregnant women usually have. It is usually closed because the uterus puts so much pressure on it. Mine was open, they said from passing a stone. Yeah, imagine something that is normally closed due to a uterus weighing on it, being stretched out. No wonder it hurt like a mother fucker. They inspected my urine. Something was wrong with it - white cells, platelettes, jargon I didn't get. They got another sample to send out for inspection. And they put me on antibiotics to prevent a kidney infection, if I don't already have one. I'm hoping their diagnosis is correct. To be honest, the area of pain made me think preeclampsia.

I told the doctor how Brian always reminds me that he knows how bad labor hurts because he had a kidney stone. The doctor gave me the "oh, silly men" look that all smart women know. I told her I was going home to tell him that I passed a stone, while pregnant, with no help from urgent care. Boom. Owned. 

Morals of the story:

1. Don't take Benadryl for pain. Call the damn doctor! Who cares if it even is a false alarm. Good lord, if I listen to my husband again I'll be popping Benadryl for contractions!! Plus, now I'm on antibiotics. If I hadn't already had an appointment for today this could have lead to big, big trouble.

2. Women are stronger than men. I kind of already knew that. 

3. Drink water. As much as you can fit in yourself. Cause those little bitches hurt. 

Ugh, fly by next 7 weeks! I'll tell you, after telling Brian last night that I'm not doing this again, I am so convinced that this is all she wrote, folks. One and done - for the win. And if Brian wants a son, I'm 100% cool with getting a boy dog :) 

32 weeks, 4 days.

So Brian and I had child birth class on Saturday and Sunday. Neither of us were that excited to spend 4+ hours in a classroom on both weekend afternoons. But we knew it was something we should do. We were both pleasantly surprised though - the speakers were great and we learned so much. 

I'm not afraid of my first time mom status. All moms are a first time mom once, and we all have to venture into a new realm that we start out knowing nothing about!

They covered so much! We took a tour of the hospital, learned the anatomy and stages of labor, learned breathing techniques and learned birthing options from no drugs to c sections. They covered complications and what they do to handle them. We learned how to diaper a baby and learned breast feeding basics. We had pediatrician guest speakers who talked about baby basics and what questions to ask when interviewing a pediatrician. We learned what to pack in our hospital bag, and how dad can help from pregnancy to helping with the baby. They made the dads to be massage the mamas to be during class! We learned countless small tips and tricks. Best $130 parents to be can spend; I highly recommend it to any first time parents to be. 

Tonight we'll attend our baby basics class. I'm thinking some will be repeat but repetition is awesome for learning. 

But I won't lie, I'm really tired and would rather lounge around drinking a hot tea and watching Elf. 

This week is so busy, and I just want to stay in bed lately. Yeah, I'm now tired for real third trimester reasons. It's not hormonal fluctuations, morning sickness or anemia - it's good old fashioned being too big to get comfy at night and getting worn out quickly during the day. 

Last night I woke up at 3 am and flipped and flopped trying to get comfortable. I had taken Benadryl the last 2 nights so I was going to tough it out. Well at 5 am I caved and took one. It worked. I woke up  at 9, sore because the pillow had slipped from between my legs while I was sleeping. I wanted to eat French toast and drink real coffee, so I did. Then I had to bring something to Brian, his gift for his work's white elephant exchange that he forgot at home. Ugh, eating something super buttery and sugary and drinking caffeine then getting in the car... STUPID. He was thankful when I pulled in. It seemed like he was going to even give me a thank you hug but I told him I couldn't stay for even a minute. I had to find a bathroom. Well, thank god for private Starbucks bathrooms. 

So now I feel drained, trying to stay hydrated. I feel tired. I feel sore. And I have so much to do. 

I think I'm going to try to power through life through Thursday. Then I think if I get all my stuff done, I'm going to treat myself to a Page day on Friday. I have been saving a spa gift card for when I get really uncomfortable, and I'm ready to use it Friday :)

Everything has been kind of weird lately. I'm big and tired. I've been having the tummy trouble I alluded to earlier for a few days now. I'm eager to have the shower so I can really get ready for the baby. I still have to buy some Christmas presents. Brian has been under a lot of stress since work has been so busy. It definitely affects his mood when he's home. And I don't have the energy to balance it out. He's already told me he'll have work to do over the holidays but I'm planning a couple date nights. We can't be this worn out before the baby even comes!

And it's tough, I'm feeling like I need a little extra love right now and feeling like he doesn't have the time or patience to give it to me. Thank God for Christmas break. 

I'm hoping we can be productive, romantic, and social - not only with family things but actually see some friends too! Our calendar looks crammed so the rule in the house these days are to make no additional plans, and definitely not without consulting each other. 

Ok, time drink my Gatorade and ask Santa for some better sleep and more energy. 

Oh, and not this can be helped because both are out of my control but being a short bodied woman with a bigger baby - I'm not a fan. A little scared if she stays on this path and goes to 40 weeks to be the 9 pounder projected. 7ish pounds sounds better, Santa :) 

Baptism class.

So we checked our first class off our list last night! Granted, it will likely be the easiest and definitely the shortest. 

Baptism class was a little over an hour, and it was just learning the meaning and learning the logistics. 

Brian was bored out of his skull watching the baptism video. Meanwhile, crazy pregnant lady over here is trying not get tears during it. But I knew when I was watching the babies be baptized on the video that we were making the right decision. I didn't realize that it mattered to me as much as it did until I saw the little ones being welcomed in to the church. 

They said we could pick the date already but I'm not doing that yet. Though I'm thinking late April or some time in May. We have godparents in mind but have to ask them. One has to be a practicing Catholic and the other doesn't have to be practicing but must be the opposite gender from said Christian witness. After we ask them and after Hartley is born, we'll figure out a date. I'm not entirely sure what to do about the reception as our house doesn't fit many, so I will likely be asking my parents for use of their house. And I'm not entirely sure about making a big deal out of it but I think extended family would be invited? Which is huge. But my friends invited their extended families. Brian has 1 aunt but of course I have 7 aunts, 6 uncles, not to mention my 15 cousins and their significant others. I don't even know about inviting friends, I think I'd opt not to? Or maybe just invite the friends who we attended their children's baptisms?

This is the last thing I'm really thinking about but it feels great to have it checked off our list. We attended class, paid ten bucks for our baptism candle and bib, and just have to call whenever we're ready to schedule it. Boom. One less thing.

Today is a day off from baby things but tomorrow we jump full speed ahead into the birth class. I'm gonna need a coffee for sitting and listening for 4.5 hours...

Today's Hartley update: it's all about movement. I'm feeling hiccups low and kicks high. She was a wild woman at 4:45 this morning so I just laid there loving it. Feeling her thump around in there is so comforting, and it makes me feel so connected with her. 

32 weeks.

Us gals at 32 weeks:

How far along? 32 weeks. Can you believe it?!

Total weight gain: 11 pounds (this gets crazier when you hear how big H is) 

Maternity clothes? Yes. And the top photo I'm in my favorite maternity sweater - so cozy.

Stretch marks? Yep.

Best moment of the week? Seeing our sweet girl today and hearing how everything looks normal. She looks healthy and perfect!

Miss anything? Alcohol. Not being fragile - though Brian was great at helping me in the car while I dodged ice patches. Being able to put on boots with ease.

Movement? Yep. She's a mover and a shaker... And I just started feeling her hiccups! The doctor said hiccups are a sign of a very healthy baby.

Food cravings? No real cravings to note

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!

Have you started to show? Oh yes! See photo above :) though people stroke my ego and tell me how good I look. Most people tell me I still look pretty small, which is nice to hear. 

Gender: girl. Every ultrasound I hear, "well there's no denying she's definitely a girl".

Belly button in or out? In... For now.

Wedding rings on or off? Off. And I have a feeling it might be a while before I pop my engagement ring back on. I've heard high set diamonds can scratch little babes so I might just sport my wedding ring for a while after birth.

Happy or Moody? Let me tell you - today is the happiest day of my pregnancy. Hearing how healthy Hartley looks was music to my ears. So so happy right now!

Looking forward to: the baby shower! And this is greedy, I'm looking forward to getting some awesome stuff at the shower. I have been amazing during this pregnancy, truly I've hardly bought anything clothes/blankets/toys/gear wise. So if Hartley came tomorrow, I would have onesies and a few days worth of disposable diapers donated to us from a friend. That's it! So I'm excited to get more prepared and get to be the mama to be showered with love and gifts.

Today's appointment was perfect. They said out of eight things they tested, Hartley did well on all eight. She is looking perfectly healthy. She is estimated to be 4 pounds, 7 ounces - which is in the 80th percentile. My mom had big babies, and I married a big guy - so literally everyone I talked to about this stuff had predicted a big baby from the moment I announced I was pregnant. IVF babies might be notoriously small but not this one!

She is head down. Head is low, snug against the birth canal. When I felt how low during the internal ultrasound, it was pretty weird! She is sprouting some hair already (yay! That's from dad - I was a bald baby!). She was showing off - practicing using her lungs and being an active little sweetie. 

They turned on the 3D ultrasound, and I was curious to see if Brian thought she looked like someone. When we left the room he told me, "she looks like you!" Who knows what'll happen to those features between now and arrival time but after seeing her in there, I'm positive they put in the correct embryo!! 

I think she'll have dark hair for some reason. But my friend told me she dreamt Hartley was blonde. 

Big, healthy, active, and cute to boot - I feel so lucky and so blessed. I seriously can't wait to meet her.

I am terrified of labor. I've heard so many horror stories. Plus, relying on my body is not my forte. So hopefully this weekend helps to ease those fears a little bit.

Whew, I'm telling myself 8 weeks is a long time so I have more time to get ready. But Brian is one excited papa to be because he gets all giddy when he talks about how close it is. 

Can HARTLEY wait! 

a mama crane is nesting.

So I've idealized bringing baby home for quite a while. A winter baby so it's cold outside and the three of us just snuggle in our cozy house. But let's be honest, those first few weeks I'm just going to be struggling to keep my head above water. Feed, burp, change diaper, teeny nap, repeat. Pump. Not entirely sure where showering, cooking, dishes, and laundry will fit in but they'll squeeze in there. The one thing I don't want to worry about is cleaning. And I don't want to avoid having visitors because my house is in hopeless and complete disarray. I'm sure no one is expecting me to be Martha Stewart but I refuse to have my guests sit on a dirty toilet seat or feel like they spent an hour in a musky, dusty cave. I don't care if women say this just happens when you have kids. Gross. I have a plan.

I will completely admit something: there are some cleaning tasks I only do a couple/few times a year. They are on my "nesting list". I'll first start with the stuff I do least often: washing couch slip covers, washing Winnie's toys (and throwing out the ones that are way too ragged to even be used), organizing Brian's dresser and my dresser, throwing away socks with no match, donating things, organizing the linen closet, washing the oven mitts, etc. 

Then I'll move on to the stuff I want to avoid doing at least the first couple months the babe comes: cleaning the microwave, windexing windows, dusting moulding, etc.

Then in those last few weeks the higher traffic areas will be cleaned.

I will still be doing a little cleaning those first few months. Thank God cleaning companies have made life so easy. 

Things that always offer a quick fix, that we love:

1. Clorox wipes. When Brian moved out of his parents' house he told me he didn't know how to clean. My cousin told him: Clorox wipes. And guess what? He used them, and they were completely 23 year old guy proof. I love them, and buy those in three packs because I will inevitably use them. Best things ever for a quick 2 minute toilet seat cleaning. 

2. Clorox toilet wand. If you don't have this, I pity you. Brian found that Target carries a 20 refill pack, so you better believe we bought that bitch. Cleaning your toilet has never been so easy - and so much less gross than a nasty wand you've used for years. 

3. The vacuum and swiffer ritual. Take a few minutes to vacuum and a few minutes to swiffer, and voila, the house smells good and just looks a thousand times better. I never want to have real hardwood floors because this routine for laminate wood is amazeballs. Vacuuming a carpet just makes a room look so clean. I only wish I could figure out how to do what Mama Godfrey used to do. The woman bought this scented stuff for her vacuum, and after she'd vacuum the house smelled amazing. 

My house has slipped while I've been pregnant. And even Brian has told me this. He's said, "this is so not my wife." And it really isn't me. I now can't get my vacuum downstairs so I require a lot more help. Plus things like bleach, because of the fumes, freak me out. Especially now that I can't open windows to ventilate. Oh, and my body is tired from growing a human. So I thought I would splurge and get a one time cleaning of our house in January but unless I find a stellar groupon deal, that's too much. So the hubby will help carry my supplies to the floor I need them on, and I'll get busy. 

Oh and future morning sickness cleaning tip for women who plan on doing the pregnancy thing: find a natural lemon scented cleaner. Lemon neutralizes odors. It was the only smell that didn't offend me. So I bought Mrs.Meyers Lemon cleaning products. Using that on my counters allowed me to walk in to my kitchen. Granite is porous, and you WILL smell everything that has been prepared on them. I can't stress lemon enough. And put a sliced lemon in your disposal to freshen it. 

Now I need to go and start my very, very long nesting checklist...

But before I do can I share something unrelated?

The thing I'm so looking forward to in two months (besides the obvious), is not being so fragile. It's felt like forever since I could live my life without constantly having to think about my body: things affecting my baby, my fertility or resting/healing post treatments/surgery. Seriously, I couldn't even drink last Christmas because of being post IUI. I can't wait to not have to think like that (though I won't get bombed while breast feeding). And once breast feeding is over, I get this body to myself! YAY! No more medicine, no more "taking it easy". Boom - awesome! 

 

Power hour. Totally different with a baby in the the ute.

Things are falling in to place. Life is getting more organized.

The baby shower has been rescheduled for Saturday, December 21st. I told a few friends and as I expected a couple have already told me they can't make the date change. I'm relieved it'll still work out to have one and will be looking forward to the new date! Please God, no winter weather crap that day. 

I cleaned the house a little today. *GASP* I also wrote a full "nesting list" of all the cleaning that needs to get done before the baby. I'll chip away at that over the next month.

My mom and brother brought over PF Changs for lunch. Oh to have a family member with 4 wheel drive who feeds me on a snow day! SO much nicer than the cereal I was planning on eating. 

And here's what's on the baby agenda... Watch how we do a power week...

THURSDAY: doctor's appointment to see little H, baptism class

SATURDAY: 4.5 hour childbirth class

SUNDAY: 4.5 hour childbirth class

MONDAY: Childcare class (this is the one I'm most excited for - hello first time mom who needs to learn this stuff!)

TUESDAY: orientation with a pediatric practice 

By the time I hit the 33 week mark next Thursday we'll have checked a lot off our to do list.

Then after the shower, we'll be laundering things and assembling baby stuff like its our jobs! 

Oh, and I'm not ready for Christmas. So once this junk outside melts, I gotta do some shopping.

On a total pregnant chick note, I actually am getting weepy. I cry pretty easily lately. It kind of sucks. I got a $70 ultrasound bill for ONE ultrasound (after thinking I wouldn't be billed for the crazy number of ultrasounds I've had - these bills are going to get scary), and I bawled. You would've thought they charged me thousands. Brian, who is the one who always stresses about money, was actually comforting me. Then I went on a rant about how regular women are so stupid when they talk about babies being expensive. This kid will already have the price tag of a fucking range rover the second it even exits the birth canal. Diapers are expensive my ass. 

Hopefully today's weepiness is behind me. Until some sentimental holiday commercial comes on, and then I'm screwed. 

But I'm not stressed about organization! Because shit is about to get real! 

Look forward to many blogs about all the new stuff I'm going to learn :)

the weekend of the special baby shower that didn't happen.

So I went in to the weekend the happiest I've been in a long time. 

Friday was nasty weather. But my mom and I had plans to go to Oatlands Plantation for a holiday tea and a house tour. Despite the gross rain, it was a wonderful way to start to get in to holiday mode. And for a pregnant woman who has had eating issues, eating mini sandwiches and pastries was delightful. It also got me really excited for doing things like that with Hartley some day. And I can't lie, it might have planted the seed to do a tea party birthday when she's a little bit older.

My mom talked about taking some time off work as soon as Brian has to return to work after his paternity leave so she can come over and help. And how over her spring and summer break we can take the little one for strolls. I can't believe that'll be life in almost no time! 

Then we went shopping for nursing bras. Something you can really only do with your mom. My mom didn't know anything about them so I collected some tips from a friend who just had a baby. I actually wore one all day yesterday because putting on my regular bras is like stuffing 10 pounds of shit into a one pound bag!

Saturday we went shopping for my sister's wedding dress. She hasn't seen me in almost two months so I think she was pretty shocked that I now look like a pregnant lady! I was thrilled to see the boutiques had chairs so we could sit down and watch the fashion show. Every dress looked great, making decisions really tough. It made me think about how long ago it was when I tried on wedding dresses. Life has changed so much since then. But I'm thrilled to play the pregnant big sister role, and I didn't realize how emotional it would be to see my little sister try on wedding dresses. 

Before I left Ashburn my mom showed me the shower favors she made - these sweet sugar cookies. Bunnies and chicks. Sidenote: the bunny has unofficially become Hartley's animal. The little heart tags on the favors read, "can Hartley wait". Yes, baby girl has a slogan. 

That night Brian and I watched the news like it was our job, and I prayed the weather forecast for a winter storm the next day was wrong.

Upon waking Sunday, I learned it wasn't wrong. The snow actually started even earlier than they said it would. At first I laughed a little. Kind of an "are you fucking kidding me?" laugh. Then I realized there was no way we could have a shower. I couldn't ask anyone to drive in this. And selfishly, I didn't want to drive in it myself. God forbid we got in an accident driving to my baby shower, I would never forgive myself if something happened. 

Brian said to me, "I'm sorry, bug. You deserve a shower more than anyone." Then I started to cry. I wasn't crying because the shower wasn't happening that day. It more had to do with the fact that nothing with this baby ever seems to go as planned, and I just wanted one day to go off without a hitch. And quite frankly, pregnant lady hormones don't exactly help the situation. 

I feel like we were both in phone mode for an hour. Brian on the phone with his sister and his mom. I was on the phone updating my mom, and I was texting everyone the shower wasn't happening that day. People have said how sorry they are this happened, very sweet because lord knows none of us control the weather. And I gave everyone the same response, which is what I truly believe - this stuff happens. It does. It's not the end of the world. Hartley just gained a new nickname, my little snow angel. And this hiccup is just another little thing that reminds us what we've spent years learning - you can't control everything! 

Last night, sitting with Brian on the couch cozied under blankets, Christmas tree lit up, listening to Christmas music, playing scrabble, I thought about how perfect life is. Yes, the day didn't go as planned. Hartley and I didn't get to be the princesses of the day, and I didn't get to tear through a bunch of girlie baby gifts. But everything I really needed was in that room, on that couch. A year ago this was merely a dream, something I wished for every time I saw 11:11 on the clock or tossed a penny in a fountain. Something I prayed for when I was alone. And even though it certainly hasn't been a flawless journey, we're just lucky to get to be on it. 

The shower will happen - another day. We will see our snow angel in 3 days. And someday we'll look back and laugh at the week of record temperature highs followed by a freak winter storm on a shower date we picked over the summer. 

And I'm pleased to announce after two weeks of my super amazing, expensive, magical new vitamins, I'm starting to get more energy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a little sluggish, but thank you, pregnancy gods. I needed that. 

Maybe it just isn't meant to be.

I thought about this yesterday. And when you read this, please realize that I'm not saying I'm not grateful to be a mom. I'm not saying that I won't be a fabulous one. And I'm not saying that I'm not overjoyed to be having Hartley become a part of our lives. But I'm speaking very candidly here.

When I was 25 and learned I would likely have fertility issues, I never fully believed doctors. I never thought I would need fertility drugs, let alone treatment, and certainly not IVF. The first time I heard that even with 3 rounds of Clomid it was suspected I ovulated twice in 2 years, I didn't buy that. Then when I actually saw my ovaries not produce follicles at multiple monitoring sessions, I started to think maybe the doctors were on to something. I was at the peak of my fertile years, and my ovaries couldn't do something that almost every woman's seem to be able to do. I took the gold standard of fertility medications - 80% of women respond to it, 10% of those even have twins - and at the highest dose my doctor would prescribe, it barely did anything. I never ever got a "mature" follicle. 

It was discovered my uterus was covered in polyps, which happens to almost 10% of women - almost all perimenopausal or menopausal women, not women my age. I was told that if I did ovulate, this could be a secondary cause of my infertility. They were surgically removed but will likely return again.

I was 27. I could have sex with my husband, and it didn't make a lick of a difference.

I am beyond blessed to be pregnant with an IVF baby. 

When I first became pregnant, and after the doctor heard her sweet little heartbeat, I was told I graduated from the fertility clinic. Only to be called the next day and told my body still wasn't producing the appropriate amount of hormones on it's own. No more graduation day for me. It took a few additional weeks for my body to begin producing the appropriate amounts of estrogen and progesterone. Thank god for syringes, suppositories and pills, right? Because what my body couldn't make could be engineered in a lab. 

Then severe morning sickness followed. Almost every meal was thrown up. A pound might be gained but it would just as quickly be lost. And I was told I was one of the rare women to have a loss of appetite during pregnancy and difficulty gaining weight. 

I couldn't feel my baby kick for the longest time. I not only had an anterior placenta but also placenta previa (which just recently corrected itself so I can feel her more). 

I was told I had an iron deficiency so I was given special prenatals with extra iron. And Brian and I were fine with spending $60 a month on these special ones while my friends spent not even 10 bucks a month on theirs. Then, I learn there is still not enough iron for my anemic ass in these very expensive vitamins. Now we're buying super extreme pre natal vitamins. When I go fill the prescription I might just not even look when I sign the charge slip.

I'm all of a sudden lacking any energy. My formerly high blood pressure has dropped over 25 points to the point they actually consider it too low. I have trouble eating, so in turn trouble gaining weight.

I just don't feel well at all.

And then I let myself realize what I've fought for years, I am not biologically meant to be a mother. My body is not meant for this. A thought that once brought tears to my eyes, now comforts me. Women can say I'm a wuss or it's a low tolerance for pain. But I truly believe my body is not meant to be pregnant. I will never be the woman who just got knocked up, sailed through pregnancy and then just did it again. That used to break my heart. That thought used to feel like a sucker punch every time I let it enter my head. But I am not meant for this. At 27 years old, getting pregnant was tough. And then at 28, pregnancy hasn't been a cake walk. And I'm starting to realize, that while I'm proud of myself for pushing myself to do this, I don't think I will again.

I think I need to accept that this is not what my body was designed for. I think I need to embrace the beautiful, amazing gift I've been given. My miracle of a daughter. I will be the best mom I can be to her. And then I need to move on with my life and put the ideas of more children behind me. I can use my heart to nurture my husband, my sweet girl, and my dog - along with our friends and family. And I can accept something I denied for a long time. 

I talked to Brian about these feelings last night. He actually said he completely understood where I was coming from. After all, he's watched all of this play out and watched it wear me down.

As I write this, the fan is blasting. I'm sweating profusely. I feel like I just ran a million miles even though I just slept a solid 5.5 hours - my best sleep in over a week. And I feel somehow calmed by putting this out there. 

I am the girl who always wanted to be a mom, who didn't listen when I was told it would be tough for me to become one. I have become the woman, who after my baby is born never needs to prove anyone wrong again. I fought nature. But thank God there's only two months more of being reminded. 

And please realize, I'm not writing this with tears in my eyes. I just speaking frankly like I usually do. 

I am thrilled to be in the homestretch. I am excited to have my baby shower on Sunday. And I am over the moon to meet our sweet babe. And amazed always by how far we've come. 

31 weeks.

How far along? 31 weeks

Total weight gain? Haven't been on the scale in 2 days but Tuesday it was 8 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Yep

Stretch marks? Yes

Best moment of the week? Decorating for Christmas with Brian

Miss anything? Alcohol. Having energy. Being able to bend over with ease. Feeling comfortable.

Movement? Yep, she is still a softer kicker. I never get the painful kicks some women describe. But she makes her presence known and it's comforting.

Food cravings? Was all about turkey and Brie sandwiches. The past couple days eating has become tougher. Much less room for food and as nuts as it sounds, I'm too tired to eat.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really. But everything is giving me acid reflux.

Have you started to show? Oh yes. Now strangers are confident enough to talk to me as if I'm a pregnant woman. Today while I was out this sweet salesgirl told me it was "mama day" at the store, I was the second one. I was so confused, and then I realized, oh yeah, I look really pregnant now. 

Gender: girlie girl

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? Off

Happy or Moody? Neither, just feeling very exhausted and a little overwhelmed at how quickly I got very big and tired. 

Looking forward to: the baby shower on Sunday. I'm very nervous for how well I'll handle being in a room with 30 people, and I have no idea how I'll have the energy to socialize with all of them. I have a feeling it'll be a little overwhelming and knowing my hormones, I will probably cry. But it'll be nice to see 30ish women who are all excited for baby Hartley :) and it's a very special day for both of us.

I am also very eagerly awaiting my sonogram in a week. This 16 day span of no supervision has been weird, emotional and tough.

I am exhausted. Biggest understatement ever. I feel big. I feel very tired. And my sleep has been subpar for a week. I am scared that this will be my life for the next 2 months. 

Today I went out to run a couple short errands, and I literally had to take a break while at Target (I was there for 30 minutes total and I literally sat and took a water and snack break). I can't do it anymore. I get dizzy and sweaty, and just want to get the hell out. And we're talking Target, my favorite place. 

I bought Winnie a dog toy while I was there. This is the equivalent of sitting your kid in front of the tv. I figured I'm too fucking tired to play with her so this better provide a days worth of entertainment. Best $5 I've spent in a long time. I'm laying it bed while she just attacks the thing. Ahhhh peace.

I bought a lazy woman's dinner: a jar of  pasta sauce, spaghetti and ground beef. Hello, spaghetti with meat sauce. Thank you for saving me from doing actual cooking. 

I bought the wrong size panty hose. I seriously can't think straight.

Now I don't know if this is the anemia or what but its awful.

And this is pretty much my 31 week update: tired.

The Decisions Women Make

Yesterday I went in to visit my old boss. I don't know how in the world I feel so at ease talking to a woman who used to be my boss about all sorts of personal things. I told her things I haven't said out loud to anyone else.

I sometimes think women have the tendency to judge the shit out of other women for no reason. So there are things I think that I can never phrase correctly to other ladies without them taking it the wrong way. 

I've had something on my mind lately that I can't articulate without sounding ungrateful. So I've buried it, and I mull it over when I'm alone. 

I'm very lucky to have been able to not work for most of this year. I'm very lucky that when Hartley is born, I don't have to return to work. I'm very lucky that my husband is very supportive of me staying home and taking care of our daughter. 

He has worked extremely hard at climbing the ranks at his job for the past 6.5 years. And we have been very good about building a giant savings cushion. 

I guess I just want it all because lately I question just staying at home. I am so completely torn. I want to be the one to spend the day with Hartley. I want to be the one who comforts her when she's crying. I want to be the one who puts her down for her naps, snuggles her, takes her for walks, changes her diapers, plays with her and reads to her. I know, being her mom, I am the one who can take care of her the best. Hell, I'm equipped with her feeding sources literally attached to my chest. 

I want to organize play dates for her. I want to do mommy and me yoga with her in tow. I want her to be in our comfortable home with her furry big sister. The three of us are just a walk across the street to the tot lot. And it all sounds like the right thing for our family.

But I sometimes wonder if I'm giving up on myself. People don't always know this about me but I'm actually very smart and hard working. You might be thrown by my blonde hair and beauty shop banter, but I am a very capable woman. And I wonder if I choose to stay home and not work at all these first couple years, am I not challenging myself? 

Then I wonder, does that even matter if I'm doing what's right for our family collectively? Does it matter if I don't work until I feel truly comfortable passing off my little girl to someone else?

I get it, this is a nice problem to have. Woe is me. My husband does so well I don't have to work. But I'm so smart and capable that I feel like I should.

But I won't lie, I worry about these decisions. It will have an impact on Brian, Hartley and I - not just me.

The truth is, if in 8 days we find out that Hartley might have special needs, well, the decision is made. I won't go back to work for a long time. I've cried a lot about this possibility but I have decided that if she has extra needs, I will dedicate my life to making sure they get met. 

But I will continue to mull this over. Yesterday my boss and I talked about me coming back, and I was excited at the thought. Then I spent an hour online researching child care and immediately started second guessing the going back idea. There's nothing wrong with daycare centers but I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of that right now. We have no time limit on this decision, and we can make the decision well after Hartley arrives. But like I've said before, sometimes you just wish you had a crystal ball. But that's life, right? 

Tomorrow is 31 weeks. That means 9 weeks until her due date, 6 weeks until she's full term. It feels like forever until I get to see her again. This is by far my most anticipated sonogram, and I'm very thankful that Brian will be there. 

Pregnancy cravings and the weight gain mission update

So eating is a world better these days. I'm not entirely sure I've been one of those women with real pregnancy cravings. The more I look back I realize I've just craved things I would want normally. And after experiencing the rare pregnancy symptom of appetite loss, I'm not entirely sure I'm eating a ton as much as I am eating more than I was a few months ago.

Yesterday I ran out and got myself my most recent craving, a turkey and Brie sandwich served on a crispy baguette from La Madeline. The whole time I was eating it I was thinking, "I'm a big fat cow but this is amazing." I've had 4 of these in the past couple weeks. And first or second trimester Page would never touch turkey or Brie... Both pregnancy no no's.

So when I woke up this morning I decided Thanksgiving weekend is over, and it's time to assess the damage. I mean, we ate two Thanksgiving meals, my mom sent us home with tons of leftovers including a pumpkin pie, and we had one day where we ate out all day. Time to see a middle digit I've never seen on my scale before.

Well, guess who lost 2 pounds? This girl. That means I am up 8 pounds from my pre pregnancy weight. That means when my 7 month pregnant body fit in to a Gap medium (not maternity) the other day, it might not have been the fluke I thought it was. 

My mom had a theory a long time ago that the fertility drugs I took for a year leading up to the pregnancy had artificially boosted my weight. Brian thought she was spot on. I wasn't too sure but now I feel like she has to be right. I'm not doing anything wrong (but I'm a first timer so I don't really know), and I might just never hit my 25 pound goal. So now I think I should realistically shoot for a 20 pound gain. That's 12 pounds in 9 weeks - sounds doable.

So I text Brian that maybe going back on the ensures was in order.

It's sad to force myself to gain because I have so much weight I want to lose after pregnancy. I would like to lose 30 pounds from my pre pregnancy weight. Which is daunting, especially once you tack on whatever I gain.

I'm not the kind of person who thinks you need to be thin to be beautiful. I actually embrace and love my curves, and it comes easily when you marry a man who prefers them. I've also embraced my changing body. I don't hide from Brian when I change. I'm extremely thankful to be pregnant and so proud of what my body is doing. 

But I'd like to lose some weight post pregnancy to be a little healthier and to give my body a fighting chance at correcting my hormone imbalance. I also would like to feel how I felt years ago, before I knew of my fertility issues. The truth is trying to conceive does not make you feel attractive. For years you become used to only being intimate when you could possibly be ovulating. And it's not something that makes you feel remotely desirable.

It's weird to me that for the next two months I'll fight to gain weight, then as soon as I'm allowed to diet, I'll fight a huge uphill battle to lose weight. But it's all in the name of a healthy baby and a healthy mama.

Though maybe I should knock off my daily French toast breakfasts. Pretty sure all that butter and sugar aren't providing us anything...

Holidays & Hartley

And so it begins. The holidays. The pregnancy home stretch. And a million different emotions.

I learned two things about pregnancy during Thanksgiving.

The Pro: you're wearing pants with a stretchy waist and you're sharing calories with a baby. Need I say more?

The Con: you can't drink. Let's face it, booze makes surfacey chit chat more enjoyable. If you disagree, lay off the wine for a holiday and get back to me.

I am a lover of the holidays. But do you want to know my honest opinion? They go downhill after you grow up. You juggle seeing two families. Which usually feels more like a chore than a treat. Especially if your families don't even talk to each other. Buying people gifts stops being fun and becomes more of a checklist. Everyone on your list already has everything or you don't know them well enough to think of something they would like. You have certain people you see that you have no clue what to talk about with them. And you're just longing for the days you played outside with your cousins, got to eat at the kids table or even better, you believed in Santa.

One of my all time favorite Thanksgivings was Thanksgiving 2009. It was my mom, dad, brother, sister, Aunt Mary, Brian and I. As a group we voted for loungewear being the dress code. My aunt brought her dog, we brought Winnie - and there was a dog play fest in the back yard. We had the tv on all day from the parade to the dog show to football. We lounged around in our comfy attire, no forced conversations necessary. Great food, awesome company - no need for anything else.

That Thanksgiving is my inspiration for our immediate family holidays with Hartley. The theme will truly be "comfort and joy". I want her to always have soft snugly pajamas. Even when she's 18, 19, 20 and home for Winter Break, she can still curl up with mama. I want there to be festive breakfasts, tv and movie traditions and hot cocoa (which will transition to spiked eggnog or wine when she's old enough). There will be drives around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. It will be a time to relax, unwind and be happy just to be around each other. I am really looking forward to having a little one around because I feel like we'll get to relive the magic that the holidays should be.

Brian and I started prepping for Christmas full speed ahead this weekend. We bought our tree, decorated it, along with the rest of the inside of the house. Sidenote: our tree is insanely lopesided. I laughed so hard I was pretty sure Hartley felt those belly laughs, and it was by a sheer miracle I didnt pee in my pants. Brian hung lights outside while I froze my butt off giving moral support with Winnie. I addressed all our Christmas cards. We did a little shopping, and I wrapped the presents we've bought so far. We watched our first Christmas movie together, Fred Claus, which Brian loves. We listened to Christmas music and lived in our pajamas. It was pretty awesome. I seriously can't wait for Hartley to share in the Crane kickoff to Christmas weekend we always do post Turkey Day. 

Meanwhile, we're really realizing how soon the little one will get here. I decided to keep a countdown on our little chalkboard. There's a lot to do but pretty much everything will be done within a month of today, January 2nd deadline. Though I'm sure we'll have a few last minute to do's that don't make that cut. I have a feeling she's going to be late but we're going to be ready come mid January as January 16th is the day she's considered FULL TERM!! 

The next couple weeks consist of the baby shower, baptism class, childbirth classes and childcare class. That knocks out a big chunk of things left. There's finding a pediatrician, laundering all her things, buying essentials that are not gifted to us at the shower, assembling things (ie baby swing, pack n play), installing the car seat, eventually packing the hospital bag (eeeek). We need to clean the house, a good deep clean, as I'm sure we'll be having some visitors in a couple months, and I will still be in survival mode not caring about scrubbing my toilets. We're going to research and attempt making some freezer meals. Oh you want to know the plus of trying to conceive for so long? I've read every last minute checklist ever written, so my list is the granddaddy of all lists. 

Brian is excited. I am excited but nervous. 

I'm glad we're counting down to Christmas as a distraction. But I can't lie, I mainly just have Hartley on the brain lately. I think we both do. Brian ordered our 2013 ornament, featuring who else but little H! Yes, my husband went on to etsy (unprovoked) and ordered an ornament of a brown haired man and a pregnant blonde lady holding an ultrasound photo, where the creator will use an actual Hartley ultrasound. 

So, Christmas season + baby being just a hair over 2 months away = excitement/nervousness/jitters/bliss/butterflies/sleepless nights

Here we go, last holiday season without our daughter. End of an era.